Love, Always

by Yessi Smith

  “Dee, baby,” he murmurs as we move our bodies faster.

  I squeeze him gently and enjoy the soft moans in my mouth. Even though his desire is evident, he takes the time to give me long lingering kisses that I will taste for days.

  Feeling the build up inside of him, I give his balls one last quick squeeze and then wrap my arms around his neck. We keep our eyes steady on each other and I climax. I stay with him and take Adam with me on a scream when he releases himself inside me. He shudders once and exhales my name before slowly dropping beside me. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me, not ready for the warmth of his body to be pulled away.

  “We have to go,” he tells me as I feel my eyes close, wanting to drift to sleep.

  I watch him dress and lazily put my clothes back on. We should probably go back to the hotel room. I giggle, imagining someone walking in on us in Adam’s dressing room. They would have gotten quite the eyeful.

  “I’ve never done that before,” I tell him and feel myself redden when he looks at me questioningly. “I mean, I’ve had sex before, obviously. I mean, I’ve never made love before,” I rush on, wishing I hadn’t said anything at all. “You made me feel special.”

  “You are special, silly.” Adam kisses my forehead and pulls me closer to him. “You’re it for me.”

  That night, Adam and I tangle our limbs together in our hotel room, braiding ourselves to one another as we sleep with our little girl sleeping soundlessly in the crib beside us. For the night, Amber is forgotten as I find peace cloaked in Adam’s arms.

  Adam

  Dee knows I love her now. There’s no going back from it. We both still have our inner demons to face, but if we do it together, maybe it won’t be so hard.

  I kiss the side of her lips and she murmurs my name. Even in sleep she’s mine. I’ve never trusted anyone with my heart because she’s the only one to have ever held it captive. Now that it’s free, I’m hoping we won’t destroy each other.

  I pull her closer to me so that our bodies are flush to one another and breathe her in. I doubt I’ll ever get my fill of her. Dee wakes up slowly, blinking up at me a few times before she smiles. My heart expands and I run my hand over her face before I lean in to kiss her lips. I feel her smile grow when our lips touch, so I sneak my tongue in, which she welcomes with a light moan.

  Last night was incredible. There was no grappling, but soft words and caresses. I took my time discovering her body and pleasuring both of us as I lingered over her, savoring her. We found our rhythm as I learned her body, inch by lovely inch. She responded with slight tremors, a catch of her breath and throaty moans that would forever be etched in my heart.

  In return she taught me what it truly meant to love her. I held the reigns and set the pace but she held my heart. I’d never given my heart to anyone else, but somewhere between our touches and whispers, I surrendered it to her.

  Just thinking about last night, my length grows against her body, so she eases her hand into my underwear, touching me as I throb in her hand and deepen the kiss.

  This is my girl. This is my life. Always.

  “You had sex, big deal,” Hayley laughs my concerns away. “Men and women are known to do that every now and then. It’s not like you have a platinum vagina that needs a lock and chain.”

  “I really hate being friends with you sometimes.”

  “Okay, drama, I’ll give you some advice.”

  I look up at her from my coffee cup, mentally preparing myself for her so-called advice.

  “Put your phone to record next time,” she giggles as I try to swat her. “I mean, how big is he?” she asks, and I blush. “I knew it!” Hayley jumps up in a celebratory dance. “He’s good too, right? Like he has some crazy moves?”

  “This conversation is over.”

  “No, no, no! I’m sorry,” she laughs. “Don’t be a buzz kill.”

  While Hayley hasn’t helped me at all with my current problem, she has eased my nerves so that it doesn’t seem like such a big problem. I had sex with a guy who has a girlfriend. And that girlfriend happens to be my daughter’s nanny.

  I have to talk to Adam. I probably should have thought of that before I escaped early this morning to my own hotel room.

  “I’m gonna go for a run,” I tell Hayley, who is packing her bags to go back to Miami.

  “You should probably take an inhaler or an oxygen tank with you,” she suggests, and I roll my eyes at her. “Don’t die out there!” she shouts at me as I pull off the tags from my sports bra and yoga pants.

  I take the elevator down to the ground floor and ignore the vending machine begging me to eat my worries away. But I’m trying to have a healthier frame of mind, so I figure exercising until I am too exhausted to think has to be better than binge eating. Right?

  Wrong. And Hayley was right. I should have brought an oxygen tank. I bend over with my head between my legs and try to remember how to fill my lungs with air. Oh man, this sucks. Next time, I’ll just sit in front of the vending machine and eat twinkies. Gah, all I did was run for twelve minutes and I feel like death warmed over.

  I shuffle my way back to my room, upset that a treadmill defeated me. I stay in the shower longer than necessary, hoping to permanently erase every desire to ever exercise again. Maybe I’m more of a yoga and meditating type of person? I hear my bathroom door open and shut and wait for Hayley to start some random conversation while she pees into the toilet. For some reason that’s where she gets her best ideas.

  “Any suggestions for my current problem?” I ask when she remains quiet.

  “What problem?” Adam asks. Surprised, I move the curtain to find him naked and ready to join me in the shower.

  I hide behind the curtain with only my head sticking out and I try not to openly gape at this gorgeous man.

  “Wh-what are you doing here?”

  “I thought I’d take a shower with my girl.”

  “I’m not your girl, Adam,” I tell him without making eye contact. I hate how uncomfortable I feel around him.

  “Don’t start, Dee.” He rolls his eyes at me and comes into my shower as if what I say is of little importance to him.

  “I’m serious, Adam. We’re not together.”

  “Fine. Hand me the soap.”

  Hand him the…? I’d rather shove it up his ass.

  “I need to finish first.” I turn away from him and purposely take my time under the spray.

  I can feel his eyes on me, so I stretch my back out slowly as I rub the soap on my chest and moan softly. I lean over to wash my legs and can feel his body inches away from my ass. I ache for him and hate him for dating Amber. But just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I can’t torment him, so I stay under the spray until it starts to cool. “Done,” I sing and turn around to hand him his soap.

  “Not quite,” he growls in my ear. “You missed a spot.”

  I want to move. I beg my legs to carry me out of the shower, but I am transfixed by Adam’s eyes. He already cheated on Amber once with me. I can’t let it happen again. He rubs the soap between his hands and then massages them onto my shoulders. I feel my lips separate, and I want to protest, but a small involuntary whimper escapes instead.

  “You’re mine, Dee.”

  I shake my head at him. “I’m nobody’s.” I feel my resolve coming through and force myself to do what is right. “Amber,” I tell him, “is yours. Not me.”

  I look back at him, wanting him to deny it, but he stares back at me with his eyes wide in shock. He runs his fingers through his hair, an obvious sign of his discomfort, and I know. So I step out of the shower and leave Adam.

  “Shit,” I hear him whisper. Needed a reminder there, buddy? “Dee, fuck me—”

  “We already did that,” I interrupt him smugly. I feel anything but smug though.

  “We did not fuck,” he says slowly as if I were an idiot. He shuts off the water so I hurry up and get dressed so I don’t have to face him any longer.

&
nbsp; “We were a mistake.” I shrug as if my world wasn’t being torn apart. Again.

  Adam grabs my shoulders and turns me around so that I’m facing him. I try to ignore the pain in his eyes but can’t force myself to look away. I press the palm of my hand to his face and he leans into me and sighs slowly.

  “We weren’t a mistake,” he tells me, and I want to believe him. He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me. “I’ll explain, just don’t leave me. Promise me you won’t leave me.”

  I shake my head no at him and leave him standing there naked and disappointed, not because I don’t trust him, but because I don’t trust love.

  I’m going back home. I’m pretty sure Adam won’t even notice at this point, because we’ve barely spoken since I walked away from him six days ago. But he’ll notice Josie’s absence. I’ve already packed our bags and am just waiting for Adam to come by to tell me he’s leaving for rehearsals. Nerves have overtaken my stomach, and no amount of water has been able to refresh my dry mouth.

  He’s gonna hate me.

  I swallow hard when my door opens. I close the book I was reading to Josie and put her in her stroller. I have to protect myself; my heart can’t handle another blow.

  Adam sees my luggage before I have time to speak and gestures towards them. I cross my arms and take in a deep breath. “We’re going back home.”

  “We?” he questions me with his eyebrows raised.

  “Me and Josie.” I swallow hard again and ready myself for the upcoming argument.

  “You’re going home,” he corrects me. “Josie is staying with me.”

  “Adam—”

  “You wanna leave, go!” he shouts, and I involuntarily flinch. “I can’t win with you. No matter what I do. So leave, Dee. Leave me the fuck alone already. But Josie belongs with me.”

  “Josie is mine!” I yell at him, hating myself for the truth in his words. “She’s all I have.”

  “You’ve got a lot more than her.” He grips my arms tightly, forcing me to look up at him, but all I see is the anger of my own betrayal in his face. My inability to give a fraction of what I’ve taken is the greatest betrayal I could have ever committed. “You just don’t want it.”

  I stiffen my spine, resolved to live out the life I’m forging, and grab the hotel phone to ask for assistance with my luggage.

  “You’re her dad, Adam,” I tell him softly after I make arrangements with the concierge. “You’ll always be her dad, but she doesn’t belong on the road. She needs something steadier in her life.”

  “You need something steadier in your life,” he counters, and I shrug.

  Whatever.

  “Let us go.”

  Adam turns away from me so that he can pick Josie up from her stroller. I watch as he cuddles her close to him.

  “I love you, baby girl. Remember, Dada loves you always.”

  My heart cracks a little more, exposing my open wounds even further. I know I’m screwing up, but even knowing it doesn’t stop me from moving forward, destroying the happiness Adam and I shared.

  He kisses her forehead one last time before he puts her back in her stroller and walks away from me.

  “You know what I respect most out of all the bullshit you’ve done?” Hayley asks, and I’m afraid she’ll answer, so I ignore her question as I continue to eat my chocolate ice cream on my living room couch. I’m glad to be home. Only this is Adam’s home, not mine.

  “Leave her alone,” Max says in my defense, and I toast him with my spoonful of ice cream.

  “I respect you because I’ve never been brave enough to be a liar or a cheat.”

  “A liar or a cheat?” I scoff at her and she nods. “You’re so full of shit, Hayley, it’s dripping out of your ears,” I say, pointing my now empty spoon at her.

  She rolls her eyes at me and continues undeterred. “You’re lying to all of us, which is fine. It’s your life, and if you wanna live it full of lies, whatever.” She shrugs. “But you’re cheating yourself in the process.”

  “You don’t get it.”

  “What’s there to get?”

  I left the hotel room shortly after Adam and was proud of the tears that didn’t fall. The ride back home was long but uneventful. I received several compliments from fellow passengers on how well-behaved Josie was during the flight. They probably would have been less impressed had they known how well seasoned of a traveler Josie was.

  I arrived home only a few hours ago and was looking forward to some solace and ice cream after putting Josie to bed, but Hayley was determined to make sure that didn’t happen. I love my friend, I really do, but sometimes I’d love for her to just keep her mouth shut. I don’t need her telling me things I already know as if I’m some imbecile unable to form these ideas on my own. I know what I’m doing. And I know how stupid I am for doing it.

  “Just leave her alone, Hayley.” Max comes to my rescue and leads Hayley to the room they’ve been sharing.

  Alone isn’t bad. Alone isn’t lonely. I still have Josie.

  Adam

  I told Dee the truth about Amber, but she brushed me off with a noncommittal fine that stuck in my chest longer than it should have. Granted, I took the pussy way out and explained my lies through email, but she knew the truth now. Or maybe it’d be better if I’d never told her. At least then I’d still have some remaining dignity.

  So that’s what I started out doing tonight; looking for my dignity with a bottle of Jack. Only a problematic redhead checked in on me and I allowed her to give me what she’s been offering for months.

  Her silky skin is almost translucent with the overhead fan light draping over her. Her red hair lies straight over her shoulders, cascading over her bare breasts. Her breasts are unnaturally big and firm. She’s wild in bed, experienced and willing.

  She’s not Dee, and that’s exactly why I’m so open to her. I don’t care if I hurt her. Even better, I don’t care if she tries to hurt me. My heart is locked away and only one person has ever held that particular key.

  As months tick by, my feelings for Amber have grown into something unexpected – not quite love, but something comfortable and complacent. With more time, it could grow into more. I like spending time with her. She’s funny and canny. She knows how to talk to my fans and make them feel like they’re part of the package. The constant travel excites her and everyone in the band loves her. Even Ricky, who doesn’t particularly like anyone. Actually, especially Ricky. I should probably keep an eye on him, but honestly, why bother?

  I hardly talk to Dee anymore, except to talk about Josie or talk to Josie. I’ll always be connected to Dee because of Josie, but that’s all we’ll share and I’m okay with that. Amber has reminded me that I’m not a recluse. Women want me, want to be with me, and literally throw themselves at me. And I’m sitting here pining over one silly woman? When I can choose a different woman every day?

  Amber suits me. She’s reckless and unpredictable. She doesn’t depend on me for anything which is a nice change. And even better, I don’t depend on her.

  We’re good together. We can be even better together given the opportunity. We could have a future.

  It’s been months since I’ve seen Adam. I’ve gotten so desperate for his smile that I’ve started cyber stalking him. But the pictures on the internet only remind me of one thing: I’ve lost him. Amber is wrapped in his arms possessively in almost every picture. It’s my own doing, and really, at this point it shouldn’t even hurt anymore.

  I sit on the couch with Josie, who is busy watching cartoons while I stare at my door and wait for Adam to knock on my door to my new condo right by the beach. Even though Adam spends most of his time on the road, I insisted on getting my own place. Adam and I needed that break from each other, even though we barely see each other anyway. But more than that, I needed to be on my own and learn how to live my life without relying on others. I chose to live by the beach because the beach was my home. Even Josh’s death can’t overshadow the simple joy the sand and
surf bring me.

  When I finally hear him knock I cross my fingers, hoping it’ll just be Adam on the other side, but then berate myself for my childish behavior. He and Amber are dating, and from the pictures on the Internet they’re fairly attached to one another; of course they’ll be together.

  I plaster a fake smile on my face and open the door to find Amber firmly pressed against Adam’s chest with an obvious hunger in her eyes. I don’t roll my eyes at them because I’m trying to be a bigger person. I’m trying, but damnit, it’s hard.

  Adam quickly takes Josie out of my hands, and their reunion is full of squeals and laughter that brings tears to my eyes. Josie is Adam’s girl, and she’s missed her daddy more than I realized. I let Amber through the door after a quiet hello and awkward embrace. The awkwardness only grows when Adam moves in to give me a hug. While I don’t wrap my arms around him the way I normally do, I breathe him in, trying to memorize his scent and he looks back at me strangely. Did he notice me smelling him? I smile sheepishly at him and guide them to my living room.

  Adam sits on the floor with Josie and puts her on a mat I bought for her to play on. The rest of the world might as well disappear they’re so engrossed in one another. Guilt fills me to my core for keeping them apart.

  “I won’t keep Josie away from you again,” I blurt out and fake a cough to hide my discomfort. “I mean, we’ll visit you while you tour. She can stay with you.” I look at Amber to make sure she knows I’m not trying to overstep any boundaries, even though I want to. “I’ll get my own room…” I trail off when I find Adam staring back at me with an intensity that makes my heart beat so hard in my chest I’m surprised it hasn’t broken a hole straight through my ribs.

  “Of course!” Amber chirps. “That would be fantastic. We’d love to spend more time with Josie.”

  Amber joins Adam on the floor and quickly scrunches up her nose.