Love, Always

by Yessi Smith

  “Dee, sweetie, there’s no need to bring that up,” my mom says, and I can see the anger behind her eyes, but I push on.

  “He hadn’t been drinking or anything, just a typical teenage boy. Horny,” I laugh, still not understanding why he’d go after a twelve year old girl. I feel Adam tense beside me, so I squeeze his hand trying to reassure him the way he had reassured me earlier. “I don’t think I was depressed before then, just some sad moments when my parents were gone for extended periods of time. Anyway,” I shake my head trying to gather my thoughts in a coherent fashion, “he didn’t do a lot. Just touched me and had me touch him, but he didn’t like go inside of me or anything,” I say, more for Adam than anyone else. “When I got home that night, I told my mom what had happened and she just laughed it off. You know, boys being boys. But in my twelve year old mind, what he had done was wrong, and I felt violated. I tried to remember what my mom had said, that it was nothing, but the more I thought about it and my mom’s disinterest, the more it hurt. It hurt so bad that I thought my insides would explode from the pain. I needed a release, do you understand?” I ask Ms. Tejada. “I needed a way to express my pain.”

  “What did you do, dear?” she asks, empathy clear in her eyes.

  “I got my razor and cut myself.” I inhale sharply at my own words and trace the permanent white scars on my forearm. Although not very visible, I know they’re there, and carry them with me as a reminder of who I never want to be again. “It was the first time I’d ever cut myself, and while it hurt, it also felt better than the emotional pain I had carried with me.”

  “Physical pain is sometimes more bearable than emotional pain,” Adam whispers from beside me. I grab hold of his hand again, grateful for his understanding and acceptance of me just as I am.

  “Yeah,” I agree. “I cut myself pretty good and went to my mom when it kept bleeding and I panicked. I’ll never forget the look on her face.” I look at my mom as I speak. “It wasn’t disappointment or even fear. She hated me. It’d never been so obvious than that moment. My mom hated me.” I look back at Ms. Tejada with a sad smile on my face. “She didn’t yell at me or help me clean myself up. I went to bed that night feeling lonelier than ever. I woke up the next morning ready to apologize to her, but they were already gone. I think it was to Hawaii that time, and they were gone for three months. I started cutting myself a lot after that. The nannies would find me and I’d hear them plead with my parents to come home and take me to the doctor. It usually fell on Juan’s shoulders to take me to the hospital and explain things.” I shrug. That’s my life in a nicely wrapped nutshell. Nut being the keyword here. “I’ve needed help for years, and only received that help when I admitted myself. I have a letter from Dr. Rios explaining my treatment. She is willing to speak to you should you feel the need.” I hand Dr. Rios’ sealed letter to Ms. Tejada, and she nods as she takes it.

  “I think I’ve heard enough,” Ms. Tejada announces, pushing back from the desk as she excuses herself. “If that’s okay with everyone, I’d like to end this meeting and meet again tomorrow morning.”

  I nod, but my mom pushes herself from her seat abruptly, forcing all attention on her. “And what about the boy?” She nods towards Adam. “My daughter can weave you a sad tale of her prominent upbringing, but you cannot hide the fact that he is cruel; an animal.”

  I roll my eyes at her, done with her and her fiasco.

  “I did my research, and that boy is not suited to take care of my granddaughter. No one who is capable of killing an innocent puppy is suited to be a father to anyone.”

  I look over at Adam, who is glaring at my mom.

  “I spoke to your teachers and your neighbors, all of which described you as a strange boy, a loner. You’ve only ever had two friends. That doesn’t sit well with me.”

  I hear Ms. Tejada sigh as she situates herself back on her chair. “I’m not interested in your opinion on Mr. Pena’s psychological well-being. If needed, we will get him evaluated. Mr. Pena, is there anything we should know before I decide whether an evaluation is necessary?”

  My hand stays in Adam’s, and I run my thumbs in circles over the back of his hand. I don’t know what happened, if anything did happen at all, but I know Adam, and he’d never willingly hurt anyone or anything.

  “After I lost my dad, I kinda withdrew into myself. My life revolved around my mom and taking care of her. I went to school, came home to cook and clean, did homework, and then went to bed after I made sure my mom had taken a shower and eaten. That was my life ‘til my mom put me in a music summer camp and I met Josh, Josie’s real dad. He brought me out of my shell and I started hanging out with him. He was my first friend,” he admits. “Dee was the second when Josh started dating her. So yeah, I guess that makes me strange and a loner, but I’m not dangerous.

  “I killed the puppy because I had to. He had been hit by a car, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get anyone to take me to the vet to have him looked at. I didn’t want to kill him, but I didn’t want him to suffer anymore. I knew he wouldn’t make it without veterinary care, and I couldn’t get him the help he needed, so I took care of him. I was fourteen, didn’t have a driver’s license, my mom was working so she couldn’t take me. I took care of him, but I didn’t want to.”

  My heart breaks for Adam and his gentle soul. How horrifying that must have been, no matter the age.

  “Adam isn’t the type to shrink away from responsibility,” I tell Ms. Tejada. “He takes care of what’s his, and when he found the puppy it became his. He didn’t pass on the responsibility because it was heartbreaking. He shouldered on, just like he always does.”

  Ms. Tejada nods her head once before speaking to Adam again. “I understand you are a member of a band. Wasted Circle?” she asks and raises a single eyebrow. I feel Adam squirm beside me; figures the name of the band would be brought up.

  “That’s correct,” he says, clearing his throat. “It’s just a name.” He shrugs. “You can drug test me if you’d like.” Ms. Tejada simply nods, so Adam continues nervously under her watchful eyes. “I’ve taken care of Josie since the beginning. We postponed going on tour until her pediatrician gave me the okay. While Dee was in the hospital…” He looks nervously at me, so I give him my best encouraging smile. “When Dee was in the hospital, I had a nanny take care of Josie, but Dee’s her primary caretaker since leaving the hospital. She’s a great mom; nurturing, patient, loving. All the things a baby needs. Together or apart, we’re good parents. We love Josie and do our best by her.”

  “But what about when you’re apart?” Ms. Tejada asks. “Certainly a growing baby needs the stability of a normal home with both parents present.”

  “Josie and I will continue to go on tour with Adam until she starts school,” I answer. Although Adam and I have never spoken about it, it sounds like a good plan. “While we visit cities, we take Josie to playgrounds so she can play with other kids.”

  “When she starts school, I can talk to the band about only touring over the summer so that they can come with me. Or,” he shrugs again, “I’ve been thinking about starting a music school and staying home permanently.”

  I feel my eyes triple in size and stare at Adam who’s looking back at me shyly.

  “You’d leave the band?” Ms. Tejada asks.

  “I found something a lot bigger than music.”

  After the meeting, Adam and I pick Josie up from Hayley and Max’s place and then head to the beach for an early dinner. I take Josie to the shore, removing our shoes so we can soak our toes in the water while Adam orders our pizza.

  We talked quite a bit on the drive, and I can’t believe how much thought Adam has put into opening up a school. He’s gone as far as speaking to a realtor and actually looking at locations. It’s insane to think that one day he’ll leave all his hard work behind without a second thought. But he wants to be there for Josie. And for me. We’re a couple of lucky girls.

  I smile back at Josie as she splashes her fe
et in the water, getting us both wet in the process. After a while she tries to stand, so I stand with her, holding her chubby little hands in mine and keeping her upright on her unsteady legs. It’s hard to imagine her walking in a short few months and the independence she’ll find with each step. But I encourage her to move forward, not wanting her to be afraid.

  “Mama’s got you,” I tell her as we walk along the shore.

  She squeals when the water washes over her feet, and I hear Adam’s chuckle in the distance. I look up at him, and my heart stops when I see him and his panty dropping smile. Mine. Not completely mine, since I share him with our daughter, but mine all the same.

  Adam takes over with Josie while I pull out our blankets and set up our picnic. After a while I call Adam and Josie to me and hand Josie her beach toys as Adam and I settle into our dinner. We eat quietly, with only Josie’s babble between us and our hands constantly brushing over each other.

  After Adam throws away our trash, he pulls me into his lap and kisses my cheek. “Move in with me,” he says, not a request, but a statement. “We can sell your condo and—”

  “And,” I interrupt, “sell yours and we can buy a house.”

  “A house?”

  “With a pool.”

  “And a garage.” His face is pressed against mine and I can feel his smile spread.

  “Well, yeah,” I agree. “How else is Josie gonna start her own band?”

  We walk the short distance to my condo, already making plans to put our condos on the market tomorrow and start looking for a house. Our home.

  I bathe Josie and leave Adam and her to their own devices while I make the final adjustments to my manuscript so I can publish it in a few hours. At midnight. My heart races just thinking about pressing that little button that will change my life. After midnight, I will be a writer. An author. Whether I succeed or not is irrelevant. I’ll have done something few people are capable of. I’ll have made myself completely vulnerable, only allowing my written word to define me.

  I may have to take a sleeping pill and sleep the next few days away so I don’t sit obsessively at the computer checking my rankings and ratings.

  After a couple hours, I find Josie asleep on top of a snoring Adam. I crawl into bed with them, hugging them lightly so I don’t wake them, and soak in my family. I doze off next to them and only wake up when I feel Adam stir.

  I open my eyes and find Adam smiling at me.

  “I’m gonna put her in her crib.”

  “Then you’re mine?”

  He raises his eyebrows and I wink at him, feeling the tension begin to build up between my legs.

  “I’ll be quick.” He adjusts his shorts before picking up Josie, and I giggle like the carefree girl Adam brings out in me.

  I roll onto my stomach and close my eyes as I wait for Adam. After a short minute he returns, jumping in bed on top of me. I turn around and look at him.

  “What do you want?” I tease.

  “Nuh-uh. You said I was yours,” he reminds me.

  “Yeah, to cuddle.”

  “No cuddling.”

  He bites my ass through the covers, and although I feel the tension increase, I stay on my stomach. Adam pulls away my covers and slowly removes my underwear, but I remain where I am with a sly smile on my face.

  “Scratch my back.”

  “I’ll do better.”

  He leans over me, and I feel his penis throbbing against my back as he kisses my neck. I go to turn over, but he keeps me in place with his full body weight on me.

  “Can’t breathe.”

  “Shhhh.”

  Without another word, Adam slips inside of me, and I gasp into my pillow. With one hand supporting himself and the other rubbing my back, he begins to move slowly inside of me, and I am helpless to do anything but savor the moment.

  His movements become more pronounced and I scream into the pillow when one of his thrusts hits a nerve that forces me to release everything.

  “Adam.”

  “I’m almost there, sweetie.”

  I continue to moan out his name until he twitches one last time and collapses on top of me. I turn over, taking him with me, and kiss his nose when we are facing each other. Adam pulls me to him and I curl into his chest, wanting to hear his heartbeat.

  “Now we can cuddle,” he tells me as he runs his fingers through my hair.

  Adam

  “If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?” I ask Dee, and she scrunches her eyes at me as she thinks it over.

  “An island,” she replies after a couple of moments. “My very own private island. A waterfall would be nice, but not necessary.”

  “A private island with a waterfall, got it.” I kiss her lips softly, enjoying her early morning grogginess.

  “You should probably have it sprayed for bugs too.” She yawns before wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me closer to her.

  “Anything else?”

  “It should also have a big beautiful house in the midst of all the exotic wilderness. With lots of windows so the animals can see us fuck.” She winks at me.

  “I liked it better when you didn’t swear.” I trace my tongue over her lips and can feel her smile.

  “You better make it two houses if you want me to quit swearing.”

  “Two houses then,” I murmur into her neck, and she wraps her legs around my waist as she runs her fingers through my hair. “I’d buy you ten islands.”

  “That seems excessive,” she says, pushing me away. “My vagina would get sore from all the love making.”

  “Your vagina,” I say, rubbing my fingers over the lips of said vagina, “enjoys me.”

  “If we had ten islands, my vagina would hitchhike her way to a nunnery.”

  I lift my eyebrows and she giggles. I love the sound of it and want to hear it again. “You don’t think nuns get some sort of foreplay?

  “Not in excess, and you, sir, are excessively horny.”

  I roll off of Dee and take her with me as we laugh at our ridiculous banter. Now that she is on top, her hair drapes down so that it rests on my bare chest. Every inch of her is perfect. And she’s mine.

  “I wanna get you something,” I tell her.

  Her eyes glow before she jumps off of me. “I have something for you,” she says, rushing off the bed before I can grab her again.

  I prop my head up on the pillow and watch her rummage through her drawer until she finds it – a piece of paper. She hands it to me, but stays standing by the bedside as a blush creeps into her cheeks.

  “Don’t make fun,” she says as her cheeks turn redder. “It’s my first love song. Although it’s not really a love song, just a bunch of rambling.”

  My heart swells at her words, and I want to pull her onto my lap, but I know Dee, and now isn’t the time for lovey-dovey mushiness.

  I hand it back to her with a hidden smile. “I can’t understand it, Dee,” I tease, and the blush that had once invaded her cheeks evaporates.

  “Well, I’m not reading it to you.” Her eyes are slits, and I try not to openly chuckle at her sudden anger.

  “Oh, c’mon, sweetie.” I try to grab her waist, but she moves away. “Your handwriting is chicken scratch,” I say, and she smacks me. “Like a drunk chicken.”

  She huffs at my joke and turns quickly on her heel. “I’m gonna be in the toilet while you try to decipher my hieroglyphics.”

  “That’s sexy,” I laugh and look back at the words she’s written for me.

  “You’re a lucky man, Adam.”

  “The luckiest,” I agree.

  I concentrate on the paper and her words and am in shock. This woman who has every reason to fear love has exposed her soul to me. These simple words scribbled on a piece of paper leave her naked and vulnerable. The trust she’s put in me is overwhelming and humbling. Yeah, I’m a lucky man.

  I grin like a love-sick idiot as I re-read her words. Dee chose me, not because tragedy threw us together and unified
us, but because of me. She just fell in love with me all on her own.

  When all I saw was darkness, you were my light.

  When I was lost in despair, you were my hope.

  You saved me from myself before I knew I needed saving.

  Your sturdy heart grounds me.

  Your patient ways found me.

  Your love blooms inside of me,

  Giving me more than I ever dreamt of.

  I am your lover, your friend

  Your heart and soul

  Because you saw what wasn’t there

  And made me.

  I love you, my sweet heart.

  Always

  It seems like every one of my blog subscribers not only bought my book, but forced their friends to do so as well. And when Adam tweeted about his girl self-publishing a book, the sales went through the roof. I’m waiting for the NY Times to come knocking on my door, begging for an interview. Now, I just have to wait for the reviews to come in.

  Some will come in on their scheduled stops on my upcoming blog tours and hopefully others will trickle in as readers finish my story. Gah, I hope it doesn’t suck.

  “Turn it off,” Adam calls from behind me.

  I forcefully shut off my brain at Adam’s request, and sit on the floor with him and Josie. I listen to Adam read her a story as she smacks the book with her flailing hands, and I can’t believe in a few hours a complete stranger will decide our fate as a family. Not that I think she’ll decide against us. I mean, if my parents were able to prove that I’m crazy, then they also proved how unfit they are to even be called parents.

  Hayley and Max arrive on time to watch Josie, and I can’t help but grin at the trio. I wonder what my parents would think if they knew Josie’s babysitters consisted of a fellow crazy and a homeless guy. But my friends and I only go to show that you can’t judge someone based on circumstances that are outside of their control.

  My mom waits for us outside of the arbitrator’s office by the entrance, and when I try to pass by her without acknowledging her, she grabs my arm, forcing me to stop. I know from the expression on her face that she has something to tell me, so I glare at her, not wanting to hear anything from a woman who was incapable of being a parent, yet wants to take my daughter away from me.