Kisses to Remember

by Christine DePetrillo

  Slowly, Holden let his gaze travel back to Johanna’s face. She hadn’t moved a muscle since he’d told her he loved her. Shouldn’t there be some nausea or something in his own stomach over making that declaration? There wasn’t. Not even a little bit. In fact, he wanted to say it again. Announce it to the world.

  She reached out a hand and traced the edge of his beard around his chin. “I can’t say it back to you, Holden.”

  His throat tightened and he dropped his gaze to the plane’s floor. Johanna’s fingers lifted his chin so he had to look at her.

  “I can’t say it back until I know you don’t belong to someone else. When I say it, I want to know I can keep you forever.” She leaned forward and kissed him gently. Chastely.

  “Then my next order of business is to prove I belong only to you.”

  “I hope you can.”

  Carl came back and Johanna opted to stay behind at the terminal to call Ted. Holden wanted to give her some space to think. He didn’t regret saying he loved her and had a strong suspicion it was taking some will power for her not to say it back to him. He could understand her perspective. It wasn’t just herself she was protecting. She didn’t want Kam to get hurt either. Holden had no intentions of hurting either one of them. He only wanted to love them both.

  He’d fly this plane, then go back to Johanna’s house to make arrangements to go to Texas. He’d check out his house, hopefully find it uninhabited, and investigate Donovan Electronics. Someone there had to know him. He’d spend a week tops in Texas, then he’d pack a few things, fly back to Nebraska, and jump into Johanna and Kam’s waiting arms.

  Having made this plan, Holden listened as Carl gave him the rundown on the protocol for this particular airfield. In his head, the voices of some of the controllers he’d worked with in the past while flying for DE echoed. He was more certain than ever he’d worked for DE and that someone over there was playing games in saying he hadn’t.

  Why would someone want to deny employing me? That question made his stomach clench a bit. Was it because he’d been a sketchy employee? Was he not a good guy? He felt like a good guy. He wanted to be a good guy for Johanna and Kam. Companies didn’t just forget employees, though, did they? Something wasn’t right.

  “All right, kid,” Carl said. “You’re in position. Let her rip whenever you’re ready.”

  Holden gave it some gas and the small plane rumbled beneath them. The familiar thrill of rolling down the runway, of picking up speed, of leaving the ground behind filled him. Within moments they were climbing in altitude and leveling off.

  “A natural, kid,” Carl said. “A complete natural.”

  “Yeah, I feel like…like me.”

  “That’s got to feel good after all these weeks.”

  “It does. A few more details to sketch in and I’ll have the complete picture.”

  “And the girl too.”

  Holden glanced at Carl quickly and the old man smirked. “How long have you known Johanna?”

  “Since Ted introduced us a couple of years back. Shame what happened with her husband and daughter.” Carl shook his head sympathetically, and Holden’s chest tightened at the thought of Johanna going through all that. “But you seem to have put a smile on her pretty little face.”

  “Yeah, and I’d like to keep it there.”

  “That’s the tricky part. Me, I’ve been solo for about six years now since my Julie passed.” He shot a look up toward the ceiling and made the sign of the cross. “I play around with Sandra, but she’s grumpy most of the time and almost never smiles. I’ve tried everything.”

  “Even flirting with women Johanna’s age?”

  “Well, yes, I see your point. I suppose I could cut back on that particular activity, but I get bored sometimes.”

  Holden laughed as he guided the plane a little higher out of some wind.

  “Nice adjustment there.” Carl settled into his seat a little more. “You know, I’ve been looking for a partner. I’m getting too old for this stuff, but I’m not ready to completely throw in the towel. If you decide to stay in Nebraska, you want a job?”

  Holden blinked in shock. “Really?”

  “Yeah. You’ve obviously got the skills. I’ve got a lot of clients and you’d probably find ways to get even more, handsome guy like yourself. Only thing is you got to keep my name on the business. Rutherson’s Wings is a household name around these parts, and I did a shitload of work to get it that way.” Carl rubbed his left kneecap. “Sitting for the longer flights wears on me, so I could do the local stuff still and you could take the interstate stuff. Think on it. I know you got some things to sort out still, but when you’re ready, give me a call.”

  “Thanks. That’s generous of you.”

  “I’m a right generous guy.” He tipped an imaginary hat.

  They flew on for about thirty minutes, then Carl said, “Let’s turn this bird around before we end up on a Mexican beach downing adult beverages we can’t even pronounce. I did that once and I’ll be willing to bet it’s a little like having amnesia.”

  Holden made a wide arc to turn around as Carl spoke with the controllers about landing. By the time the plane touched down on the runway and taxied back to the gate, Holden had remembered where he’d learned to fly, how he’d gotten the job at DE, and that he’d once flew through a hurricane off the coast of Florida.

  After thanking Carl profusely, he found Johanna sitting in a seat by Carl’s gate. She smiled as he approached and he always wanted to have that effect on her.

  “How did it go?” she asked.

  “Like riding a bike.” He took her hand and led her away from the gate. “And Carl offered me a job should I wish to stay in Nebraska.”

  Johanna turned hopeful eyes to him, but quickly tried to mask her gut reaction by looking away.

  “Oh no you don’t, Johanna Ware.” He stopped walking and put his hands on her shoulders. “I saw it. You want me. You so want me.”

  “Shut up.” She collapsed against him and nuzzled her nose against his neck.

  He wrapped his arms around her and gave her a good squeeze. “I’m going to make it so you can have me, so we can have each other. I promise.”

  She sighed contentedly in his hold, and he swore to himself he’d do whatever was necessary to keep that promise.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Sabrina stared at Claus Vannekar and Eli Brom as they sat in one of DE’s conference rooms. The two burly Germans looked like brothers with their light blond hair, stony blue eyes, and stern expressions. She would have loved to cut them loose, but she needed them. For now anyway. Just until Donovan Electronics ruled the world.

  Based in San Francisco, Claus and Eli ran a smooth operation aside from bringing people into the fold that left invoices behind for her corporate pilots to find. They’d taken care of that person as she had taken care of Vaughn. As she would take care of Holden too. In time.

  Her sources reported he was still with Johanna Ware in Nebraska, still not remembering exactly who he was. Claus and Eli had heard Holden was still alive and refused to continue with the next phase of manufacturing until he had been properly dealt with. Sabrina had assured them she’d take care of it, but they were wary.

  “We cleaned up our mess,” Claus had said, his accent grating on Sabrina like sandpaper on teeth. “You must do the same.”

  Must? No one told Sabrina Donovan what she must do. She did whatever she pleased. She sold electronics because it made her money. People couldn’t live without their gadgets and gizmos. She’d linked up with Claus and Eli because they could turn her televisions, computers, and phones into weapons capable of going undetected by authorities and creating damage the likes of which the world had never seen before. She’d sell them for a ridiculous price and roll around naked in her trillions of dollars.

  But not before she rolled around naked with Holden Lancaster.

  ****

  “But he’s coming back, right?” Kam climbed on Johanna’s bed as she fol
ded laundry and made a separate pile of Holden’s things.

  “Yes, I’m coming back.” Holden leaned against the threshold of Johanna’s bedroom. “We’ve got to finish Ted’s cabin, don’t we?”

  Kam smiled, but his eyes were sad like Johanna’s. “Yeah, Pep needs his own space. Today he told me he’d like to gather up all my Legos and send them into orbit around the moon.”

  “Did he happen to step on one of the blocks?” Johanna asked.

  Kam nodded. “But it wasn’t my fault. He came into my room. If you enter, you have to expect there will be Legos on the floor.”

  “Maybe you need a caution sign.” Holden sat on the edge of Johanna’s bed and picked up a pair of her cotton underwear. Kam giggled as Johanna ripped it out of his hands.

  “Give me those, for crying out loud.” She quickly collected the others like that pair, some of them sporting holes and frayed elastic, and stuffed them all into her bureau drawer.

  “I just remembered I like women who wear sensible underwear.” Holden hooked his finger in the belt loop of Johanna’s shorts and dragged her toward the bed. She fell between Kam and Holden and loved looking up at both of them.

  “They’re comfortable.” Why did she feel the need to defend her choice of undergarments?

  “I said I like them, Johanna. No need to get crabby.” He rolled his eyes making Kam laugh again.

  “Mom doesn’t usually get crabby,” Kam said. “It must be because you’re going away. We’ll miss you.”

  Holden’s face softened. “I’ll miss you too. Both of you.” He knocked knuckles with Kam and rubbed Johanna’s shoulder. “But I’ll be back in a few days. I’ve got almost everything back.” He tapped his head. “A few more puzzle pieces and I’ll be normal again.”

  “You’ve seemed normal to us.” Kam pulled at a string hanging from the sleeve of his T-shirt. “You actually made me feel normal.”

  Johanna pushed to sitting and cupped Kam’s face. “I know exactly what you mean, sweetie.” She pulled him into a hug and looked at Holden. She mouthed the words Thank you and squeezed Holden’s arm. Holy Hell, she wanted to say she loved him before he left, but the words got stuck in her throat. She couldn’t risk it. He could find just about anything waiting for him in Texas. Anything and anyone.

  She looked down at Kam’s dark head resting against her. No, she had to be sure Holden was free to be with them first.

  What are you going to do if he’s not? She quickly pushed that nasty question aside.

  “Kam?” Ted called from the living room.

  “Coming, Pep!” Kam squirmed out of Johanna’s grip and ran down the hallway.

  Johanna watched him for a few moments until Holden touched her leg.

  “Can’t you reschedule your meetings and come with me? Both of you?” He gestured to where Kam had been sitting.

  Johanna shook her head. “Let’s face it, Holden. I haven’t been doing a great deal of work since you arrived. I’m not saying it’s your fault, but…”

  “It is.” He gently pushed Johanna back onto the unfolded laundry and kissed along her jaw to her earlobe where he spent a few moments nibbling. “I like being a distraction.”

  Johanna fought to keep her moans of pleasure low. She wanted to scream for more, scream his name over and over. “You’re very good at being a distraction, and that’s why I have to stay here and catch up. I know I’m the boss and all, but if I don’t crack down hard on myself, who will? Two of the meetings are with clients like DE. They could mean a serious gush in the cash flow for Kam and me. That’s always a good thing. Besides, you don’t know what you’ll find in Texas.”

  “I can’t imagine the possibility of finding someone as wonderful as you in Texas. I’m going to miss you like wild while I’m away.”

  He kissed her again, this time on the lips, and Johanna found herself crawling on top of him as she kissed him back. By the time the kiss ended, she was straddling his hips, pinning him to her bed, wishing he were naked.

  “Promise if you do find that you’ve…got a family or something, you’ll at least call and let me know.” Holy Hell, she hoped that call never came.

  “Of course. Look, Johanna, I said I love you and guess what? I meant it. Even if I do find someone in Texas has been waiting for me, I’m fairly certain that person will be on my shit list.” He sat up when Johanna climbed off him. “I mean, if this person exists, where has she been? Why didn’t she come looking for me? I can’t mean that much to her if she didn’t try to find me, right? I don’t want to be with someone like that.” He took Johanna’s hands. “I want to be with you.”

  “Well, if you do find someone there, give her a chance. You don’t know what situation she may have been in. If something’s going on with DE, maybe something is going on with your family too.” That thought more than concerned her. “In fact, you should be careful, Holden. Very careful.”

  He hugged her. “I will. And I’m ninety-nine point nine percent sure I’ll be back right here this time next week.”

  “Oh, that wretched point one percent though.” Johanna stood and handed him his pile of clothes. “Pack up, get out, and come back.”

  “Yes, my lady.” He dropped another kiss on her forehead and headed for the basement.

  Johanna stared at the indentation his body had made on her bed’s quilt. She pressed a hand to that spot and let his lingering warmth permeate her palm. In just a short while she’d have to drive him to the airport and let him get on a plane to Texas.

  In just a short while, everything she wanted might be lost.

  ****

  Being a passenger on a plane didn’t feel right. Holden ached to be in the cockpit instead, although he preferred smaller aircrafts like the King Air 350i. He stared out the window at the green and gold Nebraska fields getting smaller and smaller below him. He had to believe he’d be seeing them again.

  Saying goodbye to Johanna, Kam, and even Ted had proven to be more difficult than he’d anticipated. He was almost certain he’d be coming back, but as Johanna had said, that point one percent could screw up everything.

  He reached into the carry-on bag Johanna had loaned him—the only bag he’d packed—and pulled out the Lego racecar Kam had given him. Turning it around in his hand, he remembered the boy’s bottomless dark eyes as he’d said, “You’d be a great dad.” Holden’s eyes stung even now over those words. Was it wrong to want to be a father to the kid? So much of what he had enjoyed about Nebraska had been because of the time he’d spent with Kam.

  Ted had taken a more practical approach in his goodbye. “If I have to call someone to finish that skeleton of a cabin out there, I’m going to be pissed. You hear me, boy?” The hug that followed, however, conveyed another message entirely.

  And Johanna. Oh, Johanna. She’d held him so tightly. Tight enough he almost couldn’t breathe. Tight enough he almost said the fuck with Texas. Nothing there could mean as much as she did. But she was right. He needed a few more answers before they could truly be together. He just hoped he got the answers he wanted.

  Across the aisle from him, a mother, father, and boy probably a little younger than Kam played a card game. They spoke in low tones, but there was much laughter, much love. Holden allowed himself a moment to imagine he, Johanna, and Kam on a trip together, perhaps to Hawaii. They wouldn’t look much different than the family across from him now. He closed his eyes and let the pleasant image soothe him.

  When he opened his eyes again, the attendant was saying something about contents shifting in overhead bins. He glanced out the window confirming they had landed in Texas. Rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his hair, he pulled his carry-on bag into his lap and waited for the two other people in his row to get up.

  After disembarking and renting a car, Holden found himself meandering through the streets of Fort Worth. He remembered the way to his house as if he’d never forgotten it. The entire experience was dream-like.

  “Weird.” He pinched his own arm to be sure then s
hook his head as he took a final turn onto his street.

  His house was right where it was supposed to be. The two garage bays looked like giant sleeping eyes in a face of brick. He pulled into the driveway and grabbed his bag. At one of the garage doors, he pressed the code—his birthday, 0-7-3-1—into the keypad and the door hummed open.

  “Ho-ly shit.” Holden dropped his bag as a glossy black Camaro came into view. He ran his fingers over the splattered red paint on the nose and sides of the vehicle. “I remember you, baby.” He refrained from pressing his lips to the hood, but it wasn’t easy. “I’ll be taking you for a spin later.”

  Everything was in order and how he remembered it in that garage. The worktable, the shop stool, the tidy tool cases lined up on shelves, the supplies he kept on hand for waxing and buffing. It was all there. No signs of kids’ stuff like bicycles, skateboards, hockey sticks, jump ropes. “So far, so good.”

  He picked up his bag and made his way to the door at the back of the garage. His hand hovered over the doorknob, wary of what might be on the other side. “You came all this way, shithead. Just open it.”

  He turned the knob and swung the door open into a darkened kitchen. His kitchen. He recognized the appliances, the black and white tiled floor, the hum of a fish tank.

  “Fish tank? Damn.” He set the bag down on a small carpet by the door that said Born to Fly on it and walked into the living room. Sure enough, a large fish tank lined one wall. Dead fish floated at the top and Holden let out a groan. “Sorry, guys.” He flicked off the light to the tank and made a mental note to take care of that later.

  Racing magazines covered the top of the coffee table and a shelf below the television. Some of them had sticky notes hanging out of them, and Holden remembered how he liked to take what worked in other cars and put a twist on them for his own designs. He picked up a few magazines and paged through them. The thrill of remodeling a racecar zipped through his body.