by Lucy Lennox
Even though I didn’t think it was, nor did I regret it. And given the chance to have him again like that, I’d take it. Every single time.
But not at the expense of the kids. Aiden had been right. I’d lost focus about why we were here. And I needed to remember that this thing with Xander would come to an end in a matter of days, but the kids… they were forever. Just like with Colin, I wanted to be a part of as many of these kids’ lives as I could. As much as I wanted something with Xander, he wasn’t my future. He’d made that perfectly clear.
“I think we need to figure out how to make this work for the kids, Bennett,” Xander said.
I let my stick play with some of the shapes Xander had drawn with his stick. “I agree. What do you think? Truce?”
Xander was quiet and I smiled when I realized what kind of pattern he was drawing in the dirt. “Yeah. Truce,” he said.
I watched him draw an X in the middle square of the Tic Tac Toe board he’d drawn.
“Why are you always X’s?” I asked.
He looked at me flatly. “Uh, Xander. X. Duh.”
I chuckled and felt my body tighten up when I spied what I’d been working my ass off to see this whole fucking trip.
The smile.
The quiet, soft Xander smile that was mine. It was folly to think it was my smile… that he did it just for me, but I chose to believe it anyway.
“You’re so predictable,” I groused. “You always pick the middle square.”
We’d played the game often enough when we were kids that it was burned into my memory.
“Shut up and play,” he said.
I picked a square and drew a circle.
“Nice circle,” he said snidely. “No wonder you almost failed geometry.”
“Shut it,” I returned and watched him take his turn. “Can I ask you something?”
He nodded.
“Where did you and Aunt Lolly go?” I asked softly. “I mean… after… you know.”
There was just the slightest tensing of his body. I wasn’t certain he was going to answer at first. But he kept playing the Tic Tac Toe game so I figured I hadn’t pissed him off with the question.
“All over at first. West coast mostly. She had some friends living in a commune in Oregon.”
“A commune?”
“Yeah, all these people got together and bought some land and put a bunch of trailers and small houses on it. They shared all the responsibilities, worked the land together, ate what they grew and sold the rest at farmer’s markets and stuff.”
“What was it like?”
“Not bad,” he said. “Just… different. But it’s where I realized I wasn’t ever going to be that guy.” He looked at me and said, “You know, working in a cubicle, staring at a computer all day.”
I nodded. Xander had done well in school, but he’d never had any one particular goal in mind when it had come to a potential career. His father had dreamed of him going to college, which Xander had been planning to do, but he’d never been able to answer the age-old question of what do you want to be when you grow up like most kids our age had. I’d had the stock answer, the one that had been fed to me since birth. But I’d always dreamed of being able to answer like Xander did.
No idea, but I’ll know it when I see it.
“We joined a couple of communes for a few years before settling down here in Colorado.”
“Does your aunt still live nearby?” I asked.
“Um yeah, she… she lives in a colony in a small town just north of Denver.”
“A colony?” I asked. “Like that movie where all the people turned into zombies?”
Xander laughed and bumped me with his body. “No… idiot,” he said with a smile. “It’s… it’s a nudist colony.” His face scrunched up slightly.
“Oh my god,” I laughed. “A nudist colony in Colorado? Isn’t it too cold? I mean… things are probably so shriveled up, you can’t tell what they are.”
“Shut up— I have to work really hard not to think about that shit.”
“Sorry,” I said, though we both knew I wasn’t.
“They have a lot of indoor activities,” he said. “Can we not talk about this? I already have to consider bleaching my eyes every time I visit her there.”
I began laughing hysterically and barely managed to keep my voice low so I wouldn’t wake up the kids. “You go there?”
Xander pushed me so hard with his hand, I nearly fell backwards off the log. He grabbed me around the waist to stop my fall, but I couldn’t stop laughing.
Until I finally realized I was pressed up against his chest and he’d gone deathly quiet. His body was stiff beneath my hand, which had somehow gotten tucked up under his armpit. My other hand was at his back. We both began breathing hard, but I dared not look at him. I knew what would happen if I did.
But god, I really wanted to look. I really wanted what would come after I did. The sweetness of his mouth, the firmness of his lips that were both gentle and demanding at the same time.
“Sorry,” I murmured as I untangled myself from his arms.
“S’okay,” he said.
After a few moments of tense silence, I asked, “What made you decide to work as a guide?”
“Living in a commune was fine and all, but I knew it wasn’t the life I wanted. So, I got a part-time job at a farm supply store. I saved up enough money to buy a car and used it to drive to Denver to get a job that paid better. It was at this really cool adventure outfitter shop. Some guys I worked with asked me if I wanted to go hiking with them one day, and that was it. I was totally hooked. Every second I wasn’t working, I was out here. After a couple of years, I started exploring on my own and worked my way up to taking people on guided trips all over Colorado.”
I took in what he was saying and thought about it before saying, “But why this?”
He seemed to understand what I was asking, because he studied me for a moment and then looked towards the lake. “You know I was never good with people, Bennett. I never really fit.”
I knew that was true. But he’d fit with me. I wanted to tell him that, but knew he didn’t want to hear it. It would just stir up things that needed to stay in the past.
“Out here, I don’t owe anyone any explanations. I don’t have to pretend. I don’t have to rely on anyone or anything but myself.”
Pain shimmied through my body as I realized what he wasn’t saying.
No one can hurt me again when I’m out here.
The reminder that our truce wouldn’t undo the damage I’d done to this man killed off something inside of me. Maybe I’d hoped, despite Xander’s insistence that this truce was for the kids, whatever was between us could have turned into something more.
“It suits you,” I said as I tried to mask my inner turmoil. And I meant it. I could tell he loved his world. But I couldn’t help but wonder if he still might love it just as much if he could share it with someone special.
Someone like me.
No, not someone like me.
Me.
Fuck, I needed to stop doing this.
As the silence between us grew, I felt the exhaustion of the day settle over me. Part of me would have loved to stay there all night with him, but being so close to him and not being allowed to touch him was a unique form of torture.
“So, tomorrow is about the kids,” I said.
“Yeah,” Xander agreed before sending me a smile.
“I should go to bed,” I said awkwardly as I stood. Xander stood too and my heart flip-flopped when he didn’t immediately step away.
“Yeah, me too,” he murmured. Was that reluctance I was hearing?
God, I was terrified of walking away from him. Even with the truce, I was still afraid of losing him again. What if he was cold, angry Xander again tomorrow? What if none of this stuff tonight had mattered? What if what had happened by that tree didn’t matter?
Ask me to fucking come to your tent, Xander.
I practically screamed the w
ords in my head, but externally I did something much tamer.
But still incredibly stupid.
I reached my hand up to clasp the back of his neck before brushing my mouth over his in the briefest of kisses. “Good night, Xander,” I whispered, and then I walked towards my tent.
And another piece of my heart sheared off when he didn’t stop me.
Chapter 17
Xander
The hike to Gin Lake started with the kids playing a game of I Spy that kept making Bennett laugh so hard, I couldn’t help but join in.
“I spy something white and wet,” Toby called out as we hiked across Saddle Pass.
Frankie’s eyes widened as he stopped and looked around at the snow drifts surrounding us. “Holy moly, Toby,” he said with exaggerated goofiness. “Could it be… snow?”
“You got it in one, Einstein,” Toby responded with a laugh.
“I spy something white and puffy,” Frankie shot back.
“Hmmm,” Lucky said with a finger to his chin. “The clouds maybe?”
“Bingo,” Frankie said.
“Not a lot to choose from, I guess,” I suggested. “Maybe you guys need a little help identifying interesting items found above the tree line in the alpine region? I spy something that’s a prime example of flagging.”
I had taught them about trees growing branches only on one side due to alpine winds at altitude, but I was curious to see how many people remembered that’s what flagging meant.
“Bennett’s flagging,” someone called out. “Does that count?”
I turned back to find Bennett several yards back, hopping on one foot. After handing the map to Toby to keep leading people across the pass, I quickly made my way back to see what was wrong.
When he saw me approach, he tried waving me off. “Just a rock in my boot. Don’t worry about it. You go ahead.”
I looked around at the snow everywhere. “You can’t sit without getting your ass wet and cold. Here, prop yourself against me while you take it off,” I said, pulling his pack off before running my arm around his waist to support him. I tried not to lean in and smell his neck. Everyone had recently washed in a lake and I knew he smelled like an intoxicating blend of biodegradable camp soap and his own clean sweat smell. I’d reveled in it the night before when I’d had him pinned up against the tree. God, just the thought of him up against that tree made my blood travel quickly southward.
“Is it hard?” Bennett asked.
“What?” I blurted, looking at him with startled eyes. He tilted his head at me and furrowed his brows.
“Being responsible for everyone out here all the time,” he repeated. “I asked if it was hard.”
“Uh, yeah. Kind of. I mean, it’s easier when it’s just me, but I also like showing people how amazing it is out here. So, it’s worth it. Being responsible for everyone, I mean.”
God, there went my babbling mouth. I felt like I was in middle school all over again. Uncontrollable cock and uncontrollable mouth.
I flushed crimson and glanced down as he shook the rock out of his boot. The curved muscles of his calf flexed as he balanced on one foot, and I couldn’t tear my eyes off a familiar scar on the side of his knee.
“Is that the scar you got—”
“Yo, dudes, you coming?” Frankie called out from up ahead. “Aiden said we had to wait for you to catch up before we could keep going.”
“Coming,” Bennett called out, the word sounding suggestive in light of my current state of extreme arousal this close to him.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah. We’re, ah, coming. Be there in a minute.”
Bennett looked up at me as he lowered his booted foot back to the ground. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Who, me? Nothing… What?”
He laughed. “Yeah, you. And it’s obviously something. You’re being weird.”
I reluctantly pulled my arm away from him, unable to resist grazing his ass with my fingers as I did. His eyes flared and his eyebrows danced at me.
“Is that right?” he murmured. “Got something to say?”
“Nope,” I said, handing him his pack before turning around and starting off again down the path the boys had forged across the snow.
As I walked, I argued with myself about Bennett. On the one hand, we had agreed to get along for the sake of the kids. And I wanted to jump his fucking bones— like, all the time, and even more so when I accidentally touched him. But on the other hand, I didn’t want him. Not like that. Sure, I wanted to fuck him up against a tree again and find any way of getting him naked and writhing underneath me as soon and as often as I could. But that was just because I was horny and desperate.
I’d gone without sex for too long and clearly my hormones were taking over. That’s all it was. Just plain lust for physical release. I’d feel that way about anyone, really. Hell, I’d probably be willing to fuck Aiden if he wasn’t such a giant asshole.
But there was a part of me that knew I was bullshitting myself. I wasn’t just horny for anyone. I wanted Bennett. And it wasn’t just lust. It was the knowledge that Bennett had a piece of me I’d never be able to give to anyone else. A big piece.
Even with him having been out of my life for so long, I knew it hadn’t really changed anything deep down in that part of my heart that I never let myself think about anymore. Bennett Crawford was simply mine. Had been for a long time now and would be for the rest of our lives. But that didn’t mean we could be together. Because he’d pulled the rug out from under me so long ago, I knew I’d never be able to trust him with my heart again.
I set my jaw and reminded myself that it was a truce only. A temporary visit down memory lane with an old friend before he returned to his real life and I went back to mine. I could be friendly without jumping the man, for god’s sake.
Couldn’t I?
Chapter 18
Bennett
I wanted to kick Xander’s ass for reminding my body how good it felt to be touched by him. He’d held me up while I’d emptied my boot and then brushed his hand along my ass before stepping away. My balls tightened and I felt my breathing hitch. What the hell was he up to?
Was Xander flirting with me? Surely not. He’d made it more than clear that I would never be anything to him but a reminder of the past he’d just as soon forget.
I followed him across the snowy expanse of the pass and down the ridge past the tree line to the edge of a meadow. Before leaving the shade of the trees, I saw several of the kids had stopped to take a snack break. They’d pulled out bags of nuts and dried fruit and were taking sips from their water bottles.
Just as Xander finished setting down his pack in front of me, he threw his arm out across my chest the way mothers did when they came to a quick stop in the car.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Shh. Guys, look,” Xander said in a soft voice, raising his other hand to point through the trees. There, on the far side of the meadow, about as far away from us as the length of a football field, was a pair of black bears. One was wandering through the flowers, snuffling at the ground, while the other was sitting straight up, sniffing the air.
“Oh my god,” Lucky whispered. The other boys followed suit as they murmured their surprise at seeing the unusual sight.
I stood there in awe of the pair, and all I could think was how amazing it was that this group of inner-city kids was standing in the wilderness of the Rocky Mountains only a hundred yards away from actual bears. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and glanced over at Aiden.
He was looking at me with a small smile of excited satisfaction and I knew he felt the same way I did. Mission accomplished— after months of planning and hoping, we were finally there, watching these kids experience incredible new things.
I felt a tentative hand on my elbow and looked over to see Calvin, of all people, grasping the sleeve of my fleece.
“You okay?” I asked softly. He looked terrified, and I was almost positive there were tears in his e
yes.
He shook his head. “I’m scared, B.” It was so quiet, I wouldn’t have heard what he said if everyone else hadn’t been silent too. As it was, I was the only person who heard his words, and I turned to remove my pack and set it down as quietly as I could.
After catching Xander’s eye and tilting my head toward Calvin and the trail behind us, I put an arm around Calvin’s shoulder and walked him back into the woods, farther enough away from the bears to give him reassurance we were safe.
When we’d gotten enough distance from the group not to be overheard, I turned to face Calvin. “Do you want to talk about it?”
His bottom teeth came out to scrape across his top lip as he considered my question. A small black and white bird landed on a branch nearby and trilled, causing Calvin to laugh softly. I raised an eyebrow at him, but didn’t say a word.
“Even that little bird isn’t scared of the bears. I’m a pussy.”
“First of all, that bird can fly away at the drop of a hat, so there’s nothing for him to be scared of. Secondly, you’re not a pussy, and can that please be the last time we use that particular word?”
Calvin blew out a breath but didn’t look up at me. “Are you gay?”
The question took me by complete surprise, not so much because it came out of the blue, but because I had thought everyone on the trip knew I was gay. I didn’t keep it a secret around the kids because I didn’t ever want them to think there was anything wrong with being gay.
Before I had a chance to answer, Calvin went on. “I mean, I’m sorry. I don’t know if that was rude or not, and really, it’s none of my business. I mean, I think you are. Are you? I think you are. And anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s just that I—”
I put my hand on his shoulder to stop his stammering and waited for him to look up at me.
“Yes, Calvin. I’m gay. Why do you ask? Does this have something to do with what you were saying to Lucky last night?”
His face paled and he looked away again. “That was… that was bad.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “It really was.”
“I’m sorry, B.”
