by Lucy Lennox
“Bennett?”
Xander’s voice had me jerking to an upright position. Holy hell, I’d completely forgotten about leaving him and Aiden alone by the lake.
“What?” I yelled as I jumped to my feet and jerked at the zipper of the tent. “Who’s bleeding?” I asked as I practically fell out of the entrance to the tent.
Xander’s hand shot out to catch me when I tripped on a rock.
“Where is he? I’ll get the first aid kit,” I said as I turned to go back in my tent.
“Relax,” Xander said with a light laugh. “He’s fine. Still breathing.”
I eyed him suspiciously. Why wasn’t he pissed? Last time I’d seen him, he’d been ready to rip me a new one.
“Come take a walk with me.”
“What? Where? Why?”
“You know, Bennett, just because pot’s legal in Colorado now, doesn’t mean you should be trying it again. You remember what happened last time you did?”
I cringed at the memory. It had been the summer before we’d started high school. Our last summer together. A kid at the summer camp my parents had forced me to attend every summer for two weeks had given me a joint as a parting gift the day camp had ended. Xander and I had smoked the thing one night while my parents had been out of town. I’d spent the weekend at Xander’s, and Mr. Reed had been asleep when we’d snuck outside. We’d gone to our special spot by the fish pond to smoke it. After two puffs, I’d been high as a kite and had ended up wading into the water so I could take a piss.
“Shut up,” I groused.
“Come take a walk with me.”
“Why?” I repeated.
“Because I asked you to.”
“Why?”
“Jesus, Bennett, because I want to fucking apologize to you!” he said, throwing up his hands.
“You do?”
He glared at me.
“Okay,” I said. “Fine, let’s… walk.”
I noticed most of the kids were using their free time to explore the water’s shoreline. Aiden was having an in-depth conversation with a couple of the kids about something, but it wasn’t until I heard him mention Batman that I realized he was having the same fight he’d had with me countless times. The man was convinced Batman would win in a fight against Superman. I personally didn’t know the first thing about either character beyond what I’d seen in the movies Aiden had forced me to watch, but I usually picked the opposing character just to mess with him.
I scanned the area for Lucky, but didn’t see him. I knew it was possible he was off getting firewood, since he’d been assigned the task for the evening, but I still felt my concern edge up. Especially when I also couldn’t find Calvin.
“Have you seen Calvin or Lucky?” I asked Xander as we left the clearing.
“Um, yeah, I saw Lucky a minute ago. He was going to get the firewood for the night.”
I nodded absently.
“Bennett,” Xander said, but when he didn’t say anything else, I turned my attention on him, and I realized that was what he’d been waiting for.
“Sorry,” I murmured.
He shook his head and laughed. “You’re kind of stealing my thunder, here.”
“Oh, sorry.”
At his chuckle, I shook my head and smiled. “Just gonna shut up now.”
We kept walking, but this time I kept my attention on him.
“I believe you,” he finally said. “About Aiden. And I’m sorry for not trusting that you were telling me the truth.”
“Thank you,” I said. “Aiden didn’t exactly help things,” I added.
Xander shrugged. “He cares about you.”
I expected him to say more… to make some remark about what an ass Aiden was, but to my surprise, he said nothing. I was about to ask him exactly what had happened between him and the other man after I’d left, but movement to my right caught my eye. As soon as I realized who it was, I grabbed Xander’s arm and pulled him to a stop and then quickly shoved him behind a tree.
“Bennett, what the—”
I slapped my hand over his mouth. “Look,” I said softly.
He turned and looked in the direction I was pointing. “Oh,” he said in surprise.
It was a feeling I shared because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Less than a hundred feet away, Calvin had Lucky pressed back against a tree and they were softly kissing. From my conversation with Calvin yesterday, I’d figured he was struggling with his sexuality, but I hadn’t been one hundred percent sure.
The boys separated after a few seconds, and Calvin stepped back, a startled expression on his face as he touched his fingers to his mouth. I tensed up as he stared at Lucky, but instead of lashing out at him like I expected him to, Calvin hurried past the shorter boy and began trotting back to camp. Lucky, for his part, stood there against the tree for several long seconds, looking as equally stunned as Calvin before he finally bent down and gathered up the pieces of wood scattered at his feet.
Xander drew me back behind the tree as Lucky walked back towards camp. I ended up standing closer to Xander than I realized, and when I looked up at him once Lucky was out of sight, I knew he was feeling the same thing as me. Had it really been less than twenty-four hours since he’d had me pressed up against a tree just like this one, his thick length buried deep inside my body?
“So, um, yeah, that’s new,” Xander said as he motioned to the spot Lucky and Calvin had been.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Was that what you wanted to talk to me about?”
“What?” I asked.
“Earlier when we saw the bears. You took Calvin aside and then said you might need my advice.”
“Oh, yeah,” I said. “I mean, no, not that exactly.” I sucked in a breath and took a few more steps back to put some space between us so I could think more clearly. “Calvin said something today, but I’m not sure if I should believe it. But after seeing that,” I said as I motioned to the tree Calvin had had Lucky pressed up against, “I’m thinking maybe he was telling the truth.”
“What did he say?”
“He said Lucky’s foster parents were hurting him. Abusing him.” Even the thought had me wanting to go find Lucky and force him to tell me the truth. “But I know Ed and Gloria… they’re good people. At least, I thought they were.”
“Did you talk to Lucky about it? Has he ever even hinted that something could be wrong?”
“No,” I began, but then a memory popped into my head.
“What?” Xander asked gently and I felt his hand close over my arm.
“A few weeks ago, he had a bruise on his stomach. I only saw it because we were playing basketball and his shirt rode up when he was taking a shot. He said he got it during gym. I… I didn’t have any reason to think he wasn’t telling me the truth.” I shook my head. “A few nights before we left to come out here, he asked if he could spend the night at my house. I thought he just wanted to talk about the trip because he was so excited and he liked going over the maps Gary sent us… I told him yes, but that I had to work late and I couldn’t pick him up until after dinner. He told me never mind and then changed the subject.”
I looked at Xander. “He wanted me to pick him up from school. What if he didn’t want to go home, Xander? What if I missed something and he—”
“Don’t,” Xander cut in and then both of his hands curled around my upper arms. “Don’t do that to yourself, Bennett. If something did happen, there was no way you could have known.”
Bile rose in my throat as I began questioning more and more encounters I’d had with Lucky where he’d been acting strangely. Either quieter than usual or he’d been moving slower. What if he’d been hiding something each time? Like the bruise I’d seen on his stomach.
“Oh God.”
“Bennett, look at me.”
I shook my head as I tried to pull free of him. “I missed it,” I whispered, in disbelief. I began struggling violently against Xander’s hold. “Let me go! I have to talk to him.�
�� I could feel hot tears starting to slide down my face, but I didn’t care. My only thought was to get to Lucky. “Xander, let go!” I yelled. “I have to help him!”
“Baby, stop,” Xander said firmly as he turned us so that my back was to the tree. “You need to calm down.”
“No! He needs me!”
“He’s safe, Bennett.” He gave me a little shake and said, “He’s safe.”
The reminder helped my racing heart start to slow, but the shame quickly took over and coursed through me like a living thing. “I failed him, Xander. He trusted me to protect him and I failed him.”
“No, baby, you didn’t,” Xander whispered and then he was tugging me forward. His arms went around me and I felt his lips skim my temple.
“I don’t know what to do,” I admitted. My insides felt like they’d been scraped raw.
“You’re going to help him, Benny,” Xander murmured against my ear. “Because that’s what you do.” His hand came up to hold the back of my head, and I just stood there and soaked in the comfort he was offering. When I finally felt like I could breathe again, I pulled back.
“I need to talk to him.”
“I know you do, but can I suggest something?”
I nodded and looked up at him.
“Give him this trip. Let him have the next few days where he doesn’t have to think about the shit back home. You guys will have a couple days at the lodge before you have to go home. On the last day, talk to him. That will give you time to figure things out. What to say, who you’ll need to talk to about what happens next.”
He was right.
“Okay, yeah,” I said.
“He’s going to be okay, Bennett.”
“He has to be,” I whispered.
“He will,” Xander said and then he pulled me back in his arms and I happily went.
Chapter 21
Xander
The following day was our last full day in the backcountry and the kids woke up hyper as hell. Everyone scrambled to pack their gear so they could be the first to report to me for their solo route assignments. We were departing from Gin Lake and would be camping that evening at Caldera Lake. To get from one lake to the other, we had to navigate over Mount Wodash in between.
This was the pinnacle of excitement for most kids on these wilderness adventure trips— the solo hike. I’d spent time every day going over the tools needed to make it from point A to point B in the backcountry, and I’d surreptitiously quizzed each kid’s navigation skills the previous day. Everyone had passed with flying colors, and the route I’d chosen was a fairly straightforward one.
Mount Wodash sported a high pass with a large, open view of the valley below leading down to the lake. Any lost hikers would be easily spotted from that vista as I came through last to pick up any stragglers. The kids didn’t know that it was almost impossible to get lost between Gin and Caldera Lakes, so hopefully they would feel a massive sense of accomplishment by nightfall.
One of my favorite parts of these trips was the final night’s campfire where everyone would be chattering excitedly about their solo adventures. A storm was threatening far off in the distance, but if I had to guess, I’d say it was more likely to spoil our final short hike to the trailhead the following day rather than mess up the solos or our celebration night.
Bear lifted his head from where it had been resting on his paws as I heard someone approach.
“Xander?”
“Hey, Lucky. You ready for your solo today?” I asked with a smile. I tried to hide my concern for him by turning to dig his copy of today’s topo map out of my bag.
“Well, yes. Sort of,” he said hesitantly. “I mean, I’m almost ready, but I think one of the other guys is really worried about it. I heard Frankie crying in his tent this morning when I walked past on my way to take a pee.”
I glanced in the direction of Frankie and Calvin’s tent group and noticed Frankie sitting on his pack with his face in his hands.
“Xander, do you think maybe I should offer to go with him so he’s not alone?” Lucky asked, reaching down to give Bear the petting he’d started nudging for.
“No, Lucky. I don’t want your solo experience impaired. If I need to hike with him, it’s not a problem, okay? Finish up packing your gear and let me handle it.”
“M’kay,” he replied, still focused on my pushy dog. We stood together in silence for a few moments before I caught him sneaking a peek back at Frankie and then at me. He kept quiet and continued petting the beast.
“Lucky?” I asked quietly. “What’s really bothering you about Frankie?”
“No, no. It’s not that,” he said quickly. “It’s not Frankie.”
“Alright. Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is?” I asked carefully as I thought about what Bennett had told me the day before. The thought of someone who’d been entrusted to care for this boy, but had abused him instead, made me physically ill, and I wanted to reassure him no one would ever dare lay a hand on him again. It was a promise I couldn’t make, but I sure as hell wished I could. For his sake… and Bennett’s.
More dog pets and more sneaking glances back toward the group of kids packing by the tents. It occurred to me that he likely wasn’t looking to talk to me about his foster parents at all because he was just too light and relaxed.
“It’s just… I mean. I guess I was wondering…”
A blush had started to rise on his cheeks, and in that instant, he reminded me so much of Bennett, it almost made me laugh— so bumbling, and awkward, and eager. So, I did what I’d always done with Bennett— offered a lighter non-subject to buy him some time to get his thoughts together.
“Hey, would you mind walking Bear down to the lake for one last drink before we set off? I need to double-check these maps to make sure I have enough.”
Lucky’s head snapped up and a grin widened on his face. “Yeah, sure. C’mon, Bear.”
As I watched the two of them wander down to the water’s edge, I caught Bennett’s eye where he was burying the remnants of our fire from the night before. He shot me a soft smile and then cocked an eyebrow with a nod in Lucky’s direction.
I held up an “ok” symbol with my fingers, and he responded immediately with a swift combination of hand gestures that had me desperately trying to stifle my laughter. When I failed miserably, I shook my head at him. A massive grin broke out on his pretty mouth before he turned back to what he was doing.
When we’d been in the fifth grade, I hadn’t made the cut to get into Spanish class with the cool kids, so I’d been stuck in American Sign Language class instead. I’d struggled like crazy just trying to learn the basics until Bennett had finally gotten sick of me whining about it and had tried to help me study. We’d watched a video to learn how to sign “Hello, my name is Xander” and every time after that, anytime something was confusing or we just wanted to make someone think we were talking in code, we’d sign to each other, “Hello, my name is Xander.”
It had nearly gotten us in trouble on more than one occasion, like the time we’d almost earned ourselves a trip to the principal’s office when we’d been playing a softball game in gym class one day in middle school, and Bennett had been the pitcher. I’d signed parts of that sentence to him every time someone new had been at bat so it would look like I was making pitch suggestions like in the big leagues. He’d nodded his approval or shaken his head and asked for another until it had driven our classmates up the fucking wall. Bennett had finally started laughing so hard, it had set me off, and the coach had threatened to bring the principal, Mr. Titweiler, into the picture. And since neither of us had been able say the principal’s last name without laughing our asses off, we’d begged and pleaded with the coach to give us a second chance. We’d only managed to avoid a stint in detention by using our gloves to cover our faces whenever we’d looked at each other and started laughing all over again.
When I finally managed to get myself under control and turned back to check my maps, Lucky was coming back
up from the lake with a noticeably wet Bear.
“Hey, you big oaf. I told you no morning swims,” I lectured the giant fuzzball. He just lolled out his tongue and grinned at me right alongside a smiling Lucky.
“Sorry, Xander. I told him not to, but he didn’t listen.”
“Sure, sure. That’s a likely excuse. At least you didn’t decide to go in too,” I teased, handing him a copy of the map. “Did you think about what you wanted to ask me?”
He ran a hand through his hair as he shoved the map into his pocket with the other. “Uh, yeah. I guess. It’s just… how do you know if it’s okay to like someone?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, even though I was pretty sure what he meant.
“Well, you see… There’s this guy, and I kind of like him. But he’s been an asshole to me in the past. Like really hurt my feelings, you know?”
“Yeah. Go on,” I said carefully.
“Well, how do you decide what kind of things are unforgivable? If, like, you like someone and want to be with them, but you can’t forget the things they’ve said that hurt you.”
“First of all, want to be with them how? Like as friends? Or more— like kissing?” I didn’t dare mention sex because I just wasn’t prepared to go there with a sixteen-year-old kid.
His face turned even redder. “The kissing one,” he said.
“Well, first of all, you’re still a kid so it’s not like you’re making a permanent decision. So, really, you’re wondering if it’s okay to enjoy being physical with someone, even though they may have said and done shitty things to you in the past. Right?”
“Yeah, exactly.”
I tried to think about what the right advice was before saying something that might steer him wrong. “I think that you have to consider how they feel about you now. Do they still have negative feelings toward you or have they changed? Plenty of people seem incapable of changing, but with kids your age, it’s different. There are people trying shit on and learning lessons from their mistakes, you know?”
