It's a Waverly Life

by Maria Murnane

  “I know, I know. And we did talk about some personal stuff, so I’m making progress. I think that was just a minor setback in an otherwise great weekend.”

  “So he knows you really like him?” Andie said.

  “I think so.”

  McKenna narrowed her eyes. “Did you tell him so?”

  “I may not have used those exact words, but I’m pretty sure he knows. I mean, he must know, right?”

  She shook her head. “You’d better make really sure he knows, Wave. I know you think of him as some sort of superhero, but he’s not a mind reader. Guys never are, even the smart ones.”

  I picked up my phone to check the time. “Oh man, I’ve gotta run. I need to be at a meeting in fifteen minutes.”

  Andie waved a hand in the air. “No problem. You don’t have to be here for us to keep talking about you. Scoot.”

  I stood up and gave them each a quick hug, then bolted out the door.

  I was conflicted about my new life as a freelancer. On the one hand, visiting the San Francisco Sun reminded me of how trapped I had felt when I had a regular job. I hated getting up early, especially on Mondays, and I could never take a nap in the middle of the day (one of my secret all-time favorite activities). But Jake had been right to suspect that a small part of me missed my former agency. Wandering the busy floors of the Sun made me nostalgic for the structure of an office, the camaraderie of being part of a team, the pride in leading a team. Plus I hadn’t realized how much I’d miss the simple daily interaction with other human beings. It had only been a few months, and I was already contemplating getting a cat just to have someone to talk to. Yikes. So I was grateful for the Wednesday afternoon staff meeting at the Sun. It wasn’t entirely necessary for me to attend, given that my column had nothing to do with news, but I wanted to make a good impression, and no one seemed to mind when I showed up every now and then.

  “Hey, Waverly, how’s it going?” Ivy looked up as I approached her desk. “Got bored at home?”

  I crossed my arms and leaned over the low wall of her cube. “Exactly. What’s new?”

  She patted a huge stack of forms on her desk. “You’re looking at it. Boring, boring, and more boring. Have I told you how much I hate this job?”

  “Many times. You really need to quit.”

  “I know, I know. I’m just waiting for the right time.”

  “Still dreaming about photography?”

  “Always.”

  “Don’t wait too long. Life is too short to stay in a job you don’t enjoy. Believe me, I know.”

  She started chewing on her fingernail and looked a bit stressed, so I decided to lighten up the conversation. “Hey, I got some great e-mails this morning.”

  “Yeah? Maybe some are from my friends. Seems like they’re all dating crazies these days.” She took off her horn-rimmed glasses and let them dangle around her neck on a retro silver chain. “I mean lu-na-tics.”

  I laughed. “There are definitely a lot of psychos out there. But on both sides of the chromosome. It’s not just guys.”

  She nodded. “Oh believe me, I’ve done my share of stalking. Thank God that part of my life is over. I think my next tattoo might have to be Casey’s name, just so he feels too guilty to break up with me.”

  “For real?” I remembered Jake’s tattoo story. The thought of anyone’s name tattooed on any body part was just…ick.

  She shrugged. “Maybe. You can never underestimate the power of permanent ink. So give me a good story. Does anyone ever ask you for actual advice?”

  I laughed. “Sometimes. Okay, I’ve got a good one. This girl who lives in Russian Hill e-mailed me yesterday to complain about a blind date she’d been on over the weekend at Houston’s. She ordered a hamburger, and the guy ordered just a salad.”

  Ivy narrowed her eyes. “Just a salad?”

  “Just a salad. And when she asked if that was all he was going to eat, he said he was a vegetarian.”

  She pushed a few red curls away from her eyes. “Okay…”

  “So the food comes, and the guy starts eating his salad. The girl picks up her hamburger, and as soon as she takes a bite, he makes a mooing sound.”

  “A what?”

  “A mooing sound, you know, like a cow.”

  “You’re joking.”

  “Not joking. So she looks at him, and he says something along the lines of I’m sorry, but I can’t stop thinking about how you’re eating a dead animal.”

  “There’s no way that really happened.”

  “She could be making it up, of course. You never know.”

  Ivy put her glasses back on. “Okay, that’s it. I’m getting Casey’s name tattooed on my hip after work tonight. I’m locking that man down.”

  “You ladies talking about me again?”

  We both turned our heads as Nick Prodromou, the Sun’s IT guy, approached Ivy’s cube.

  “Hi, Nick, how’s it going?” I said.

  He yawned. “It’s going. Where there are computers, there’s always a need for the master.” He was wearing a yellow shirt that said, “Even Awesome Needs to Sleep.”

  I laughed. “Nice shirt.”

  “Isn’t it amazing? I bought it at Walgreens on the way to work this morning.”

  “You bought it this morning?” Ivy said.

  “Indeed I did. My bowling league was last night, so I didn’t have anything to wear today. I couldn’t just show up to work in my jumpsuit.”

  Ivy and I exchanged glances.

  “Come again?” I said.

  “You wear a jumpsuit?” Ivy said.

  “I’m confused,” I said.

  “The whole bowling team wears them. They’re amazing. Last night my roommate had friends in town, and they were staying in my room, so I hooked up with this new girl on the team so I’d have somewhere to crash. I didn’t have time to go home before work this morning, so I stopped at Walgreens and tossed the shirt on over the jumpsuit.”

  I stared at him. “You hooked up with a girl on your bowling team just so you could have a place to sleep?”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Do you even like her?”

  He shrugged. “Warm bed.”

  “Warm bed? That’s your answer?”

  “Very warm, actually. I had to open a window.”

  I laughed. “Don’t you think she’d be upset if she found out the real reason you hooked up with her?”

  “Perhaps, but I’m going to file that under Not My Problem.”

  I turned back to Ivy. “What were we just talking about?”

  She reached for her phone. “I’m scheduling that appointment right now.”

  Later that night, there was a message on my phone from Jake, but it was too late in Atlanta to call him back. The time difference made it hard to connect, but I secretly liked that we couldn’t talk all the time. I was surprised at how much I thought about him, how often I wondered what his opinion on something would be, how many times I felt like calling just to say I miss you. But despite my feelings, I just wasn’t ready to be in touch on a daily basis. I needed to keep some emotional distance, so while I always returned his calls, I tried to avoid jumping to the phone every time I wanted to hear his voice.

  Besides, the messages meant that I could listen to his voice…over and over.

  “Hey there, it’s Jake. Just calling to say hi and see how your week’s going. We lost tonight, but it wasn’t all bad, no injuries. After the game I was approached by an executive of one of the pro leagues down in South America about a project…might be some opportunity for me there…just something to think about. Anyhow…give me a shout when you can…I…miss the smell of your hair.”

  I closed my eyes and smiled. For this Waverly moment, his voice was enough.

  A week or so later, I was working on my column when the phone rang. It was Scott Ryan, a reporter from The Today Show who had long ago transitioned from media contact to dear friend.

  “Scotty! How are you? It’s been ages!�
��

  “I’m good, my love, hanging in there. The winters here are even worse than I’d feared.”

  “Super cold?”

  “You have no idea. I thought Dallas was cold. New York takes cold to a whole new dimension.”

  “How’s Tad?”

  “He’s great, even bought me a down sleeping bag in the shape of a coat as an early Christmas present. He doesn’t want me to freeze to death after I up and moved here just to be with him. He said he’d feel guilty.”

  I laughed and picked up my coffee mug. “I’m sure he’d feel more than guilty.”

  “He’d better, he’d better. So listen, my love, I don’t have much time to chat, but I wanted to ask if you’d be up for putting your pretty face on the show. We could really use you.”

  I put the mug down. “The show?”

  “Yes, my dear, the show.”

  “The Today Show?”

  “The one and only.”

  “But why?”

  “We’re doing a Valentine’s Day feature on relationships, and they want to have an expert or two on hand. Given that you’re an advice columnist now and have a successful line of greeting cards for women, I suggested you, and they agreed.”

  “For real?”

  “Of course. I think you’d be great, plus it would be great exposure for your new gig at the Sun, not to mention your Honey Notes.”

  “But Scotty, I don’t really know anything about relationships.”

  He laughed. “Come on now, Waverly, give yourself some credit. You were in People magazine just a few months ago. To a lot of people, that makes you a minor celebrity, regardless of your credentials.”

  “What would I have to do? What would they ask me?”

  “It would be easy. Seriously, a piece of cake. You’d have to give a few words of wisdom, maybe tell a disastrous dating story or two, and snap, you’re done.”

  “That would be it?”

  “That would be it. Plus you’d get a free trip to New York. How can you pass up a chance to come visit me?”

  I laughed. “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It will be, I promise. Now say yes so I can get back to work.”

  Why not?

  “Okay. Let’s do it!”

  “Beautiful. I’ll be in touch with the details after the holidays. I look forward to seeing your lovely face in February.”

  “Bye, Scotty.” I hung up the phone.

  I was already nervous, but kind of excited too.

  For a moment I thought about calling Jake to tell him, but instead I dialed McKenna’s number.

  That Saturday, for a change of scenery and some relaxing girl time, McKenna, Andie, and I drove fifteen minutes north of San Francisco to have lunch in the quaint town of Mill Valley. It was a crisp, clear day with very little wind, and the water beneath the Golden Gate Bridge was unusually placid. After a yummy lunch of hot tomato soup and sourdough bread at Depot, we wandered over to LaCoppa Coffee in the center of town. Andie bought us all hot chocolates and sat down across from us at a large oak table.

  “So you’re really going on The Today Show?”

  I blew on my hot chocolate. “Is that nuts, or what?”

  “You’ll be great,” McKenna said. “The camera loves you.”

  “Thanks, Mackie. I just hope I don’t say something stupid. Live TV is a lot of pressure, and we know how I can be under pressure.”

  “Yeah, you do tend to choke under the spotlight,” Andie said. “Remember when you were the emcee at that charity fashion show in college?”

  “You mean the one where I fell off the stage? Do you think I will ever forget that?”

  “That was an awesome Waverly moment. One of my all-time favorites.”

  McKenna laughed. “I’d totally forgotten about that. I think I choked on whatever I was eating at the time. Didn’t you break your wrist?”

  I held it up. “Sometimes I can still tell when it’s going to rain.”

  Andie clapped her hands together. “I love it.”

  “Of course you do. My embarrassing Waverly moments are to you what your crazy Andie stories are to me. Speaking of which, do you have any good ones we haven’t heard yet?”

  “Actually, I do. Wanna hear it?” Then she lowered her voice. “It’s pretty gross.”

  McKenna and I leaned in and lowered our voices too. “Yes,” we said in unison.

  She pushed her hair behind her ears. “Okay, here goes. Last week I had a date with this guy I met at an engagement party. His name is Will, and I cannot emphasize enough how good-looking he is.”

  “So how did you end up on a date with him?”

  “Waverly!” McKenna hit my arm.

  “Oops, sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. You know what I meant, right, Andie?”

  She shrugged. “No worries, I know I’m cute. So anyhow, after chatting with him at the party, he asked me out, and a few days later we went to an amazing dinner at Gary Danko. We shared a bottle of nice wine, had great conversation, great chemistry. I was totally into it.”

  “He took you to Gary Danko on a first date?” I raised my eyebrows.

  “Affirmative.”

  “Wow, impressive.”

  “So?” McKenna said. “Then what happened?”

  “After dinner he asked if I wanted to see his apartment in the Marina, and I said sure.”

  McKenna laughed. “Of course you did.”

  “Did you sleep with him?” I asked.

  McKenna hit my arm again. “Catch up. Of course she did.”

  I rubbed my arm. “That hurt a little bit.”

  She looked back at Andie. “And?”

  “And the sex was amazing—I mean amazing. Some of the best I’ve ever had.”

  “Excellent,” McKenna said.

  Andie took a sip of her hot chocolate. “It was awesome.”

  “So what happened then?” I asked.

  She put her hot chocolate down. “So when it was over, we were both just lying there for a few minutes, trying to catch our breath.”

  “And?” McKenna said.

  “We were totally basking in the afterglow.”

  “So…?” McKenna and I said in unison.

  She put both her hands on the table. “And, unfortunately, ladies, that’s where the magic ended.”

  We stared at her.

  She leaned closer to us and lowered her voice again. “So once we finally caught our breath, we started cuddling and chatting…”

  We kept staring.

  “And then, literally two minutes later, I started to feel sick.”

  We said nothing.

  “Like stomach sick, sick.”

  McKenna sat up straight. “Oh no.”

  “Oh yes. It was not good. And the problem was, he has a studio apartment, and the bathroom is like, pretty close to the bed.”

  “Oh no.” I made a face.

  “Oh yes. But I had no choice, I had to go in there.”

  She took another sip of her hot chocolate, and we waited.

  She put her mug down on the table.

  “Then I got diarrhea, and it was loud.”

  “OH MY GOD!” I covered my mouth with my hands.

  “So loud. I’m sure he heard every squirt.”

  “NO WAY!” I yelled through both hands. I now had tears streaming down my face.

  McKenna dabbed her own tears of laughter. “I can’t believe it.”

  “Oh, believe it. I had to believe it myself for about three hours, which is how long it lasted.”

  “THREE HOURS?” I yelled again. “What did you eat?”

  “God knows. And could you please keep it down? We’re talking about diarrhea here.”

  “Has he called you since?” McKenna asked, still laughing.

  Andie tilted her head to one side. “Would you call me after hearing that?”

  McKenna scrunched up her face. “Ooooh, good point.”

  I finally calmed down enough to speak at a normal decibel, although I was still laughing. “I
’m so sorry, Andie. That’s really brutal.”

  “It’s okay.” She waved a hand in the air. “To be honest, it killed the romance for me as well. But I’ve moved on, because I’m a champion, and that’s what champions do.”

  I moved to her side of the table and put my arm around her. “Andrea Barnett, I think we need to get you your own TV show.”

  “I would consider that.”

  Girlfriends are the best.

  We left the café and strolled aimlessly around the cute downtown streets, window shopping and chatting more about the possibility of my having a monumental Waverly moment on The Today Show.

  “What if I do something totally embarrassing? Do you know how many people watch The Today Show?”

  “Yeah, but who are they?” Andie said. “I mean, do you know anyone who actually watches The Today Show? Doesn’t everyone you know have a job?”

  “This is true. Except for me, I guess.”

  “Please, stop complaining. You have a great job,” McKenna said. “Just not a traditional one.”

  “Yeah, you’re a minor celebrity. Isn’t that what your TV friend Scotty called you?” Andie said.

  I laughed. “You two are way too nice. I woke up at ten o’clock yesterday.”

  Andie nodded. “Just as a minor celebrity should. Major celebrities don’t wake until after twelve. But seriously, who are the people who watch The Today Show? You know they’re out there, but you don’t know who they are.”

  I pointed at her. “That’s how I feel about people who litter, or who don’t wear seatbelts.”

  “Exactly. There you go.”

  As we headed back to the car, we passed a woman pushing a stroller. As soon as she was out of earshot, I turned to McKenna and Andie and lowered my voice.

  “Did you guys see that?”

  “What?” they both said.

  “That lady who just passed us. Did you see that awful lace headband she had on her baby? Does she really think that looks good?”

  “Baby headbands are child abuse,” Andie said.

  I held up my arms. “I don’t understand what’s going on with fashion these days. I went shopping last week and tried on what I thought was a long shirt to wear with jeans, but then I realized it was a dress. What is up with that? I mean, it barely covered my butt.”