Broken Wing

by Judith James

  With a radiant smile and eyes full of tenderness, she threw her arms around him, hugging him fiercely, and said words no one had ever spoken to him before. “Oh, Gabriel! I love you!”

  He knelt there by her bed as she rocked him in her arms. Overcome by emotion, they didn’t speak, they didn’t kiss, they just held one another, neither of them wanting to let go, but too soon they had no choice. The day was almost upon them, and the house was beginning to stir.

  “God, Sarah! I don’t know if I can leave you,” he said, his voice unsteady. “There’s so much I want to say to you … to tell you … I—”

  “Shhh,” she whispered, kissing his lips. “You can tell me tonight.” Her eyes were warm and full of promise.

  His lit with hope and joy. “Yes, mignonne. We’ll talk … I’ll tell you … tonight.” Exultant, Gabriel left her room, seeking out Davey, seeking out something, anything, to pass the hours until he was warm in her arms again.

  Sarah lay in bed, eyes wide open, long after he left. She felt a connection with him so deep it transcended anything she’d ever known. She loved him. She had always loved him. At some level she had recognized it, and she had recognized him, the moment she’d first seen him standing, proud and wounded, in Madame Etienne’s library. She felt frightened and exhilarated, as if she stood on a cliff edge, poised to fly. She didn’t know what would happen next, but she knew that things would never be the same.

  She thought about what he’d told her last night, still horrified at how close Jamie had come to something vile, to being changed forever, his innocence stolen, his trust in the world, and himself, destroyed. But he’d had a protector. At last, she fully understood, viscerally, in her stomach, and her heart and her lungs, what Gabriel had tried so hard to tell her. “Oh, my God!” she moaned aloud, hugging herself. For him there had been no protector, no one to save him, not ever.

  She cried for him, for the childhood he’d never had, and the pain and sorrow he’d endured, alone and friendless. She cried out of pity she knew he wouldn’t thank her for, and with gratitude, that somehow, through some source of inner strength, he’d managed to survive it and become the decent, sensitive, remarkable man she’d fallen in love with. She vowed he would never find himself alone or friendless again.

  Later that afternoon, exhausted from his labors, his body clamoring for sleep after all the restless nights he’d spent worrying about leaving, Gabriel excused himself from his duties, and crawled into his own neglected bed for an uncharacteristic afternoon’s sleep. He dreamed, of course, of the German, of blood-bursting veins and white-hot rage, of the guilt when he saw himself, savage and half-mad, reflected in the stricken eyes of a small boy. In the midst of it she came. She stood behind him and wrapped her arms around him, whispering to him and drawing out his pain, lifting him effortlessly from the blood-splattered alley, and carrying him away with her to a deep and peaceful sleep.

  CHAPTER

  16

  Gabriel awoke refreshed and eager for nightfall. Sarah had said she loved him. There was little about him she didn’t know. He wasn’t sure she really understood what he’d tried to tell her. He found it hard to believe she could love him, want him, or allow him to touch her if she fully understood, but he hadn’t lied to her, or hidden anything from her. He’d been as honest as he knew how, and if she chose to ignore certain things, or to pretend he was something better than he was, he wasn’t going to argue. He wouldn’t allow himself to plan or hope beyond the present, but he was going to enjoy every moment with her he could steal.

  He didn’t get to see her that evening. Davey had need of his help. A quantity of British wool had arrived unexpectedly, and was waiting in a secluded cove to be exchanged for a small fortune in brandy and tea. They slipped away under cover of darkness, catching the night breeze and cutting silently through the still waters of the bay. Once they were well underway, Gabriel gathered his courage and sought out Davey on the quarterdeck.

  “’Tis a fine evening, is it not, lad?” Davey welcomed him with a merry grin. “I smell profit and adventure in the air tonight. You’ve something else on your mind, though, I think. Spit it out.”

  “There’s a private matter I’d like to discuss with you, Davey, when you have the time.”

  “No time like the present, my boy. This lovely lady is well underway. Come with me to my cabin. We’ll share a brandy and you can tell sweet Davey all your troubles.” The fellow looked as skittish as a cat in a roomful of rockers, Davey thought with a grin. He directed him to a comfortable chair in front of his desk, and poured them each a brandy. Amused, expecting some breathless revelation about his feelings for Sarah, he was a little taken aback when Gabriel finally blurted out his business.

  “I killed a man, Davey, just over a year ago, almost in front of Jamie. I dream about it all the time. Sarah says … she said I should talk to you about it.”

  “Do tell.” Davey sat back in his chair, crossing his ankles on the desk, and sipped his brandy as he watched his pupil intently. Sarah says. So that’s the way of it, he thought. “Pray continue, lad.”

  Gabriel told him about the German, his obvious interest in Jamie, and how he’d found him attempting to molest the boy. He was a little more candid with Davey than he’d been with Sarah about some things, and less so about others. The result was the same. He’d killed a man in the throes of rage, and he’d enjoyed it.

  Davey closed his eyes, nodding his head as Gabriel spoke, as if listening to some internal music. He stopped when Gabriel finished his story, and took a sip of brandy, motioning for his protégé to do the same. He considered a moment before responding. “A man may kill for many reasons, Gabriel. To defend himself or his country, to protect that which is his; his holdings, his woman, or those who depend on him; to avenge an injustice … some fools even kill to avenge their honor over any slight, real or imagined.” He shrugged. “Generally we accept these reasons as just and worthy. Others kill for greed or gain, out of anger or jealousy, even for pleasure or sport. I’ve been a mercenary, lad, and I’ve seen men kill and be killed, for all these reasons.” He swung his legs down and leaned forward across the desk, one finger absently circling the rim of his glass. “Sometimes it’s a coldblooded business, and other times it’s not. Sometimes a man hates. It’s easy to kill when you hate, and there’s joy in it.”

  He looked directly into Gabriel’s eyes. “You killed to protect your own. There’s no shame in that, but if you took pleasure in it, I suspect you must have hated him a great deal.” He shrugged his shoulders, still fingering the glass. “Nevertheless, it didn’t drive you to kill him until he put his hands on the boy. I wouldn’t worry about it overmuch. For what it’s worth, I’d have done the same. Still … a word to the wise, Gabriel, eh? Hatred is a powerful thing. It crawls up inside a man when he’s empty, filling him, pretending to be his only friend, and then it eats him from the inside out, killing every worthy feeling he has, leaving no room for peace or pleasure, happiness or love. If a man has hatred in his heart, it’s best not to feed it. Leave it starve, let it loosen its grip, let it die before it kills you.” He stood and clapped Gabriel on the shoulder. “Now, that’s enough of my blathering, lad. We’ve a tea party to attend.”

  A heavily armed contingent of custom men was waiting with the wool, and Lieutenant Brey and the Hind skulked in the shadows of the cove. A hasty change of plans precipitated a mad scramble on deck. Davey shouted orders and the L’Espérance heeled in the wind as she hove to the right, back toward open waters. Her sails slackened and flapped for a moment as she strained to recapture the breeze, then fluttered, popped, and billowed as she surged forward, running before the wind with Lieutenant Brey in hot pursuit. It was twenty-eight hours before he gave up the chase.

  Cursing and laughing, Davey handed Gabriel the wheel and took his glass to watch the cutter disappear over the horizon. “Bon Dieu, but he’s a tenacious bastard! That was a close one, boys. Discretion being the better part of valor, and as we’re already halfw
ay to France, I do believe we shall do our business on a different coast for the next few days. Let that panting cur pick up another scent. I’ve no mind to skulk home without a profit.”

  In the end, rough winds, treacherous rocks, and serendipitous opportunities along the French and Irish coasts resulted in an unplanned, but very profitable delay in their return home, and it was almost three weeks before Gabriel saw Sarah again. He was in his element, and gloried in life at sea. Davey gave him the wheel more often than not. He was assigned to one of the watches, required to muster the men at night, and took command of watering parties ashore. It was his first time in a position of leadership. The men accepted it readily, and he performed ably and well.

  Sarah had been right about talking with Davey. The older man’s straightforward advice and calm analysis acted as a balm. Gabriel had dreamed of the German only once since he’d been at sea. He dreamt of Sarah every night. In his dreams she welcomed him deep into her bed, and there was nothing between them but naked flesh. He missed her terribly. He had watched, wide-eyed, in amazement with half the crew as a magnificent whale almost sixty feet in length surfaced off the bow. Davey identified it as a sperm whale, and Gabriel had turned in delight to share the moment with Sarah, before he realized she wasn’t there. Every time he had an exciting thought or saw something worth remarking, it was lessened somehow because she wasn’t there to share it.

  Aching to hold her, starving for her kisses, his entire being was thrumming with excitement when they finally sighted the harbor, and home. He had so much to tell her. He determinedly banished the creeping anxiety, whispering to him that with time and distance she might have changed her mind, and what had been said in the heat of the moment might now be regretted. He was absurdly pleased to see her waiting for him on the dock, dressed in breeches and boots, her chestnut hair streaming down her back. She stood there waving, with the motley assortment of laborers, tradesmen, sweethearts, and wives who’d come to welcome them home. His heart swelled in his chest and the breath caught in his throat as it occurred to him that his sweetheart was waiting for him. By coming to greet him this way she acknowledged it, to him, and to everyone present, putting all his fears to rest.

  Sarah devoured him with her eyes. He was waving to her, a dazzling smile on his face. She watched with a huge grin as Davey waved him away and he leapt over the rail and onto the quay, landing catlike and graceful, amidst the laughter of the men. He strode toward her with an eager grin and she rushed into his embrace, flinging her arms around his neck.

  Pulling her tight against his hard muscled frame, he hugged her wildly, rocking her back and forth, as the crew cheered their approval. “God, how I’ve missed you, mignonne!”

  “I’ve missed you, too,” she said breathlessly. “I could kill Davey. Where have you been? I was so worried about you!”

  “We had a little trouble and ended up off the French coast. Davey had some business there, and then in Ireland, so it turned into a bit more of an adventure than anyone expected,” he said with a smile. He let go of her abruptly as he spied Ross making his way down the pier. “I’ll tell you about it later, mignonne,” he said, giving her a parting squeeze. “Your brother doesn’t look pleased.” He wasn’t sure if Ross had seen them, but he was bound to hear about it soon enough.

  Sarah followed his gaze. Ross stalked toward them, his eyes hard, and his face grim.

  “Sarah.” He gave her a curt nod and turned his attention to her companion. “Gabriel! I have business with Davey. I would like to speak with you immediately after. Meet me in my office within the hour, if you please.” That said, he turned on his heel and marched over to Davey’s sloop, where the two men were soon deep in a heated exchange.

  Shaken, Gabriel turned to look at Sarah. She grimaced, sighed, and wound her arm though his. “He had to find out sooner or later, Gabriel.”

  He had known that this day would come if he continued to pursue his feelings for Sarah, but he’d hoped to delay it as long as possible. “You realize if he doesn’t throttle me, he’ll have me on my way by sunset.”

  “Nonsense, Gabriel! He’s not the ogre you make him out to be, and in any case, you haven’t done anything wrong.”

  Presenting himself in Ross’s study exactly one hour later, Gabriel prayed she was right.

  Ross stood, arms folded behind his back, clearly agitated. “Come in, Gabriel; sit down.” Not wanting to antagonize his beloved’s brother any more than he already had, Gabriel did as he was told.

  “I’m going to tell you the same thing I told Davey,” Ross said, pacing back and forth. “I did not bring you to my home to have you end up swinging at the end of a rope. You are a young man, and doubtless prone to the fancies and foibles most young men share. You wish for adventure and excitement, heedless of the consequences. You look at Davey, and you think him glamorous, romantic, but there’s nothing romantic about swinging in the breeze, piss running down your legs as you void your bowels and slowly choke to death. Have you ever watched a man hang, Gabriel?”

  “No, sir,” Gabriel replied, completely bewildered.

  “No? I thought it was a common form of entertainment in most cities. It might have been enlightening for you.”

  “I doubt I would find such a spectacle entertaining, my lord.”

  “You would like it even less, lad, if you were the center of attention.” Ross stopped pacing and leaned forward, placing both hands on the desk. “You almost sailed into a trap three weeks ago, Gabriel. You would have been hung, had you been captured. It would have been most upsetting to James and Sarah. I suggest you think about that.”

  “I’m not a child, Huntington.”

  “No, you’re a grown man and I can’t order you about. You will make your own decisions. I’m well aware of that. I simply ask that you consider what I am saying.”

  “I will take it under advisement, my lord.”

  “Good! See to it you do. Now, to the matter at hand. I’ve been called away on urgent business. I expect to be gone about two months. I would have left before now, but I didn’t wish to leave Sarah and the household unprotected. Davey has his own business to attend to, as you’re no doubt aware. He cannot be depended on to be available. Jamie can stay at Sidney’s while I’m gone, and I expect, indeed, I insist, that you remain on the estate. I have already informed Davey that you will be helping Sarah with the management of the property, and will not be available to him until my return. She is not to be left unprotected in my absence. Is that clear?”

  “Most assuredly. You may rely on it.”

  Ross gave him a sour look. “And who will protect her from you?”

  Gabriel flushed. “You must know that I care for her deeply, Huntington. I would never harm her.”

  “Are you telling me your friendship is an innocent one?”

  Gabriel took his time and thought carefully before answering, not wanting to lie, or to antagonize him. “If you’re asking if we are lovers, then the answer is no,” he said, his gaze steady and direct.

  Ross nodded. “I don’t want to see her hurt.”

  “Neither do I.”

  “Good. Then we understand each other. Well, then, I shall be leaving at first light. My bailiff will take care of most of the day-to-day management of the estate, but I will expect you to help Sarah supervise and settle any disputes. I also meant to ask if you wished me to invest your money while I’m in London, as we’ve discussed in the past.”

  “I would appreciate it, Huntington. Yes.”

  “Good.” Ross rose and extended his hand. “I would like to discuss some last minute details with both of you after dinner. As of tomorrow, you will be the man of the house.”

  Gabriel left the study with mixed feelings. He was relieved no mention had been made of his leaving, proud that Ross had placed such confidence in him, and elated that after three weeks apart, he was about to have Sarah to himself. He also felt guilty. He hadn’t lied to Ross. He and Sarah were not lovers. Not yet. But they were sweethearts, they
were in love, and he’d decided upon seeing her waiting on the dock, that she was a prize he was going to fight for, whether he was worthy of her or not. He fully intended to do everything he could to make her his completely.

  Gabriel and Sarah remained closeted with Ross late into the night, reviewing finances, current tenant disputes, and a myriad of other details. It made Gabriel’s head spin in a way that being at sea on a heaving deck had never done. Since setting out with Davey, the only thing he’d wanted was to return to Sarah and continue the conversation that had been interrupted three weeks ago, but by the time Ross retired, it was nearly dawn, and it was impossible. He smiled, exhausted, and turned to her. “I’m sorry, Sarah, there’s so much I want to tell you.”

  “You’ll tell me tonight. Don’t leave yet, Gabriel, there’s something I want to give you.” She stood in front of him, a tentative smile on her face, her hand outstretched. He shifted his gaze and felt a strange emotion, tender and hesitant, a new kind of aching he couldn’t define. It was a pair of wrist guards. Made of black leather, with silver buckles in the shape of the quarter moon, they were intricately tooled with a Celtic serpent design, and inlaid with silver stars. He looked up.

  “They’re for—”

  “I know what they’re for, Sarah. Thank you.” He caught her lower lip with his thumb, gently pulling her down to his kiss, sighing soft against her mouth.

  “Good night, ma chère.”

  “Good night, Gabriel. Welcome home.”

  He slept late the next day. It was a welcome relief not to have to practice or report to Davey. As much as he enjoyed the other man’s company, the past eight months had been a marathon of grueling activity, little sleep, and always something new to learn. It was a guilty, but undoubted pleasure to lie abed, anticipating the night ahead. He saw Sarah at dinner and told her about the whale he’d seen, longer than their ship, and about his talk with Davey. He told her how happy it had made him to find her waiting for him on the docks. They went to the music room after dinner, speaking to each other through tempo, cadence, and gentle harmony, and when the big house quieted for the night, she retired to her chamber, and he walked restlessly along the cliff’s edge, waiting until all was dark, so he could climb the big oak into her arms again.