Love and War

by Maggi Andersen

  "Not like that, woman,” he said, taking it out of her hands. “Fetch me a mirror."

  She gave him a hand mirror and watched his long fingers grip the razor as he expertly shaved off the beard. “You get used to this in the army,” he said, as he tidied his sideburns.

  "You never talk about your army days."

  "Maybe some day I will.” The note of finality in his voice warned her not to pursue it.

  He wiped his face with a towel. “That feels better. How do I look?"

  He still had dark circles under his eyes. She took a breath, aware of just how sick he'd been. “Much better."

  She picked up the scissors. His hair was almost shoulder length. “How short shall I make it?"

  "Just lop off a couple of inches,” he said indifferently.

  She leaned in, feeling his shoulder press into her stomach as she ran her fingers through his hair. The gold strands were as silky to the touch as they appeared. She combed it and cut the ends with only the sound of their breathing and the click of the scissors in the quiet room. The atmosphere seemed heavy with expectation as her fingers touched the nape of his neck. His hair was so thick it slid away from the scissor blades, making her fear she would hack it out of shape. She parted it and cut it in sections, tuffs of hair falling onto the sheet and the floor.

  She moved around to face him and see what she had done. He was looking up at her, his expression one she hadn't seen before. The edgy look she was used to was absent. To be replaced by what? Trust? Not love, surely. She dare not hope for such a thing.

  He put an arm around her hips and pulled her onto his lap. “Give me a kiss."

  "You're not well enough yet,” she said, pushing him away and jumping up. Although ever fiber of her being yearned to kiss him, she was afraid to give in to him. She knew if she did all her resolve would be gone, and the war that waged between them, he for her acquiescence, she for his respect if not his love, would be lost.

  "I'm going to Bath to visit my sister on Friday."

  He looked up at her uncomprehendingly, “You're going away?"

  "You are much better and are in good hands here. The doctor will attend you while I'm away."

  His eyes clouded. “I suppose you do want to get away for a while from all this."

  Her heart ached for him. “Annie's given birth. I have another nephew."

  "Of course you must go. Enjoy yourself."

  "Thank you. Let me tell you what the gamekeeper and I discussed this morning."

  He brightened. “Yes, did you give him my orders?"

  She nodded. “He is to have the bramble cleared and some of the dead trees removed to let in the sun, but not all, for they afford the game some protection from foxes. Others pruned of dead wood. As far as restocking goes, game birds have bred uninterrupted to large numbers. The deer also. They must be culled and will provide excellent venison for the table. There's a good supply of salmon in the river, too."

  "I feel well enough to do some fishing,” he said. “I'll have Frobisher bring down the rods and equipment from the attics."

  "That's a good idea. Take care not to get wet. We are coming into winter. It wouldn't be wise."

  "How long will you be away?"

  "A month."

  "That long?"

  "Anne and the children want to see me."

  He looked down at his hands in his lap. “I'm sure they do."

  "When I come back, Gyles, we must talk."

  "Oh?"

  "We have not discussed what happened on the first day of our marriage. I feel it stands between us."

  His eyes narrowed. “I may be weak at the moment, my girl, but you can only push me so far. I will tell you what I choose and when I choose it."

  "As you wish, my lord,” Selena gave him a curtsey and went to the door.

  "Selena?"

  She turned.

  "When you return from Bath, you and I shall begin life as man and wife."

  "How do you know I will return, Gyles?"

  "If you're not back here by the end of the month, I'll come and get you."

  Selena went to her room to organize the packing. She was trembling with a surfeit of emotions; anger and disappointment that he didn't love or trust her enough with the truth, and to her great annoyance, she also suffered an overriding desire to have him come to fetch her away and make passionate love to her.

  If only she didn't love him so much, she could live with him quite contentedly. She could then even endure the prospect of him seeking love with other women, a practice common among the Ton. Was she fighting a battle that was impossible to win? She wondered if she should give up and try to protect her heart from further assault.

  On Friday, Gyles kissed her goodbye. When she drew away in the pretence of fastening her bonnet, she thought she glimpsed sadness in his eyes, but it may have been a trick of the light.

  "Have a safe trip,” he said.

  "Take care of yourself. I shall be back before you've noticed I've gone."

  He laughed and shook his head. “Who will play chess with me in the evenings?"

  "You always win anyway,” she said smiling.

  His eyes gleamed. “Not for long I believe."

  He would experience the long dull evenings she had when he was gone, but she didn't wish him to suffer. She could stay longer with Annie until he came for her, but it didn't sit well with her to play games of that sort. And in the deep recesses of her mind, she feared he wouldn't miss her, just merely go on living the life he'd grown used to.

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  Chapter Five

  Annie, Hugh and the three children rushed out at the sound of the carriage. Selena was so happy to see them, she fumbled for a handkerchief as tears ran down her cheeks. During the trip, she'd realized how tired she was. She'd thought of nothing but Gyles since he first asked her to marry him. It would be good to think a little of her own needs.

  Annie held out the small bundle towards Selena. “Meet Benne.” Selena peered inside the blanket at the snowy-haired cherub, deeply asleep tucked into the blanket.

  "He has his papa's strong chin."

  Hugh grinned. “Welcome, Selena,” he said, stepping forward to kiss her on the cheek. “It's delightful to see you. You and your calm good sense have been sorely missed."

  The children had visibly grown in the few months she'd been away. Six-year-old Lucy was determined to bring Selena up to date on the fate of their pets. One guinea pig had passed away and had been buried in the orchard. The poorly named Rupert, one of their cats, had had a litter of kittens and Aunt Selena might take the black one with the white paws home with her.

  "Not all at once, Lucy,” Annie laughed. “Let Aunt Selena come in and have a cup of tea, first."

  After she washed and shed her travelling clothes, they all gathered in the morning room to drink tea and eat cake.

  "Everyone in town is looking forward to seeing you,” Annie said. “We are going to have a party."

  "How lovely,” Selena said, thinking quite the opposite. There would be interminable questions and she would have to throw the truth out of the window to answer them.

  The first of them came almost immediately. “Why didn't you go to London?” Annie asked, her delicate brows meeting in a puzzled frown.

  Selena knew that her sister was already on full alert to detect any sign of unhappiness. “We just wanted to get home."

  "What's it like, Halcrow Hall?"

  "It's very beautiful,” Selena said. “I can't wait for spring when all the flowers are out. Imagine, Annie, acres of blue bells and hyacinths through the woods and daffodils and daisies dotting the meadows. When I first arrived the trees dressed in their autumn foliage were just glorious. Great chestnuts, oaks, birches, maples, cedars and limes.... The garden is of an ancient and very clever design ... the house enormous. It has dozens of rooms. I haven't actually counted them yet. There's a very well-stocked library, if I had time to read, but Gyles and I have been so busy with the resto
rations. We have great plans for it...."

  "Enough, darling,” Annie laughed. “Drink your tea. You have four whole weeks to tell us."

  Selena looked up to see Hugh watching. He winked but he looked uneasy.

  * * * *

  Although the following weeks were crammed with soirees, picnics, rides in the country and dances at the assembly rooms, Selena felt they crawled by. She could not shed her guilt at leaving Gyles, even though the doctor had assured her he was close to making a full recovery. When she closed her eyes at night she saw his face, and her dreams were filled with him. She would wake up feeling she hadn't slept at all. She longed to return home earlier than planned, but didn't seriously consider it. Annie was so happy to have her there and she held the hope that absence would make Gyles’ heart grow fonder.

  The only person she felt she could confide in was Elsbeth Millichamp, who was away in London. She was soon to return and Selena looked forward to seeing her again. When she saw Elsbeth coming up the path, she rushed out to hug her.

  "It's so wonderful to see you, Elsbeth. Come into the parlor. Annie, Hugh, baby Benne and the children are away for the afternoon, visiting Hugh's mother."

  "Oh, Selena, how I've missed you,” Elsbeth said, hugging her. She wore a pretty sprig muslin gown under her warm pelisse, her poke bonnet tied with a primrose ribbon. She looked rosy-cheeked and her eyes sparkled.

  When they'd settled on the sofa, Elsbeth took Selena's hands in hers. “I have such news, you'll never guess."

  Selena laughed. “Then you shall have to tell me."

  "Freddie Goodwin and I are to be married."

  "How wonderful,” Selena said, delighted for her friend. “Tell me how it came about."

  As Elsbeth described her meeting Freddie again at a ball, Selena decided to say nothing of her troubles.

  "But, what about you, Selena? You must be deliriously happy with that handsome husband of yours."

  "Gyles fell ill with the influenza, but he has recovered now."

  "Oh, that's why he didn't come with you. I am sorry. Tell me more about the house, it is known to be very grand, but not in the best repair."

  The rest of the afternoon was spent with light inanities. When Elsbeth departed, promising an invitation to the wedding, Selena felt relieved she hadn't been tempted to burden her friend at such a happy time of her life.

  When it came time for her to return to Halcrow Hall, she found she was nervous. She hid it as well as she could, saying a warm goodbye to everyone and hugging a tearful Annie, who promised to visit when Benne was a little older.

  As the coach entered the gates, the butterflies ceased battering Selena's stomach. She was home. She leaned forward with interest to watch the men at work in the woods. Piles of dead wood waited to be carted off for fuel. The rest set alight, sending flames and smoke billowing into the grey sky.

  Winter had arrived to stay. The ground was all sleet and sludge, the clouds threatening snow. She threw off the carriage rug as they approached the house, hoping to see Gyles. Joseph stood on the steps and Frobisher waited at the open door. The household had known of her coming. Selena felt cold fingers clutch at her heart that had nothing to do with the weather.

  She was out of the coach as soon as Joseph put down the step and opened the door.

  "How is Lord Devereux?” she asked Frobisher when she reached the top of the steps.

  "Gone, early this last week, my lady,” he said.

  Her heart sank to somewhere in the region of her half-boots and she couldn't hide her dismay. “Did he say where, Frobisher?"

  She saw the concern in the butler's grey eyes. “He received a missive and left the same day. The carriage took him up to London, my lady."

  Selena went to her suite. “Leave the unpacking until later, please, Alice. I'd like to be alone."

  She buried her head in the pillow and cried. She had failed. He did not care one jot for her, beyond having a dutiful wife to fulfill his needs. He respected her so little, he didn't even write to tell her he was leaving, probably for the fleshpots of London.

  Questions rushed to fill her mind. Had she been wrong? Should she have stayed and become submissive to his needs? Would he then have fallen in love with her? Her sister's cool assessment of love came back to her. You can fall out of love just as easily as falling into it. Why didn't she believe it of herself?

  * * * *

  Christmas came to Halcrow and Selena had never felt so lonely. It snowed for the next three weeks without pause. They were virtually cut off from the world and she began to feel horribly shut in. Every morning she woke to find a blinding blanket of white covering the landscape. There was little she could do but wander the house. She spent one day allotted to each of the rooms, tidying while the servants cleaned. The huge reception rooms on the ground floor were the most demanding. Heating them just for her was out of the question. She had taken to wearing mittens while spending any time in them. The library was by far the most cozy of the rooms and a fire was lit there during the day. She took her luncheon there and scoured the shelves for something that might take her fancy. It was an impressive assemblage, she wondered if Gyles had read many of them. There were well-thumbed editions of the Classics on the shelves. She knew so little about him, beyond the fact that he had been educated at Cambridge. Dusting one of the lower shelves, she shook a book and a note fell out. It was written in French. Feeling a little guilty at prying, she carried it to the sofa and sat down to decipher it, her French rusty from neglect.

  Dear Gyles, You are in my thoughts, mon amie. I cannot thank you enough for saving Papa from the gallows. I know you could not take me into your confidence about what it is that you both do, and you took a great chance in being exposed. Papa and I shall remain in your debt. You have our undying love and gratitude.

  It was signed Marie Clair Delaunay.

  Selena read it again carefully, studying every word. Frustratingly, it told her very little and left too much to her imagination. Gyles had acted bravely, if clandestinely. She refused to consider he might be a French spy. She began to wonder what it was the Hussars actually did, and realized she was hopelessly ill informed. She had heard they were dashing and brave, could ride like demons and their swordplay was incomparable. She sat down with pen and paper and wrote to Hugh for more information, saying she wanted to surprise Gyles with her erudition.

  A few days later, it stopped snowing only to start raining, but at least the roads to the village were cleared and she could send the letter. Her curiosity roused, she revisited the portrait gallery, studying each of the painted faces there. Gyles inherited his looks from both parents. His mother had dark hair and had been quite beautiful, his father blond and handsome, his blue eyes gazing at the artist with the same deceptively, lazy glance as his son. His features were different though, his lips thinner and his nose high-bridged. The portraits took her back through the centuries, but she came away with only a fleeting notion of the family history. Would her husband ever come back to tell her more?

  In the mahogany armoire in Gyles’ bedchamber, she took out his blue hussar uniform, its pelisse trimmed with silver braid and fur edging and the breeches with their leather panels on the inside of the thigh to prevent wear during long periods in the saddle. She examined the leather belt with its polished, silver buckle and curved honors scrolls. How handsome he must have looked in it. On the shelf below sat his shako, boots, saber and a brace of pistols. One pistol missing. She gasped. She told herself there were perfectly logical reasons for its absence.

  After a few days, the weather improved and Selena was able to ride around the estate again. The recent rains had caused the river to rise alarmingly, close to breaking its banks. If more rain came soon, the bridge would be flooded and cut them off from the outside world again. She felt if it did she would go mad.

  A letter came from Hugh. She rushed to the library to open it. Hugh had sent a ten-page missive, tactfully refraining from asking why she couldn't just ask Gyles. In his opi
nion, the Hussars were very brave and their work extremely dangerous, consisting mainly of reconnoitering and hit-and-run skirmishing to inform Wellington and disable the enemy. He had great admiration for them, despite what happened at the Battle of Badajoz, almost a year ago. The battle itself, he outlined in great detail for five or six pages, but she skipped over most of it-she would read it later. Thousands of British soldiers were killed and he felt sure that Gyles’ regiment would have been devastated. What followed threw great shame on the British army. After the British victory came mass looting and disorder, as the redcoats sought revenge for their lost comrades. There was wanton sacking of Badajoz. Many homes were broken into, property stolen and Spanish civilians killed. Scores of soldiers were flogged as punishment and a gallows was erected to hang those found guilty, although none faced the hangman.

  Selena sat and reflected on this new information. It gave no clue to the French woman's letter. Gyles had come to find her not long after this battle. Had he resigned in disgust? Why, when he must have been sorely needed, was he allowed to leave the army? He wasn't injured. One thing she was sure about, he had not returned to the wars, his uniform was proof of that. Wasn't it?

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  Chapter Six

  "There's been a stranger lurking at the village, Lady Devereux.’ The bailiff stood before Serena, hat in hand. “And he's been seen in Halcrow woods."

  "A poacher?"

  He shook his head. “We don't think so. He's not dressed like those around these parts."

  "Thank you for telling me, Grieve.” Why did she think this had something to do with Gyles? “If he's seen on Halcrow land again, please come straight to tell me."

  "Right you are, my lady."

  Selena walked the length of the library, skirts swishing in agitation. She could not spend one more day waiting for Gyles. She would go to London and confront him. She knew he would be angry, but his anger would be easier to bear than being ignored.