Overall life expectancy has increased, but we cannot bank on numbers. At this point in our lives, we are likely to have lost dear friends or family members. Such experiences can be catalysts for change in our own lives.
It is easy to make excuses about why we cannot do something. Many of us are caring for our aging parents, for example. But that does not mean we cannot do things for ourselves. In fact, practicing self-care helps us to better care for others. On flights, we are always commanded to put on our own oxygen masks before helping others with their masks. What gives your life oxygen?
Women are generally very adept at adjusting and recalibrating. Ask yourself if your life is as you would like it to be. If not, cut out the things that no longer feed your spirit. How do you want the rest of your life to go? Do you want to ease into a gentle retirement? Or are you fulfilled by dynamicism and excitement? Or a combination of these? Pause and assess the alchemy of your life.
Let this chapter of your life be about you. Brainstorm a list of 50 things you’ve always wanted to try that are within the realm of possibility. If you are 60 years old, challenge yourself to do 60 new things. I would like to find a cure for cancer and achieve world peace, but those goals are outside of my skill set. Your list can include lofty goals, but can be as simple as beautifying your garden or making a small altar of things that inspire you. But please choose some badass mama things that will challenge you outside your comfort zone.
I have a friend who learned to ride a bicycle at age 57, having given up cycling when her bike was stolen 50 years prior. She crashed more than a few times, but the pride she displays when she talks about cycling and the joy it brings her are worth the bumps and bruises she sustained. For her, this was the best activity to start with on her post-50 enlivening journey.
Prioritize the items on your list. Evaluate the feasibility of each (consider time, distance, and money required). Get an accountability partner to help motivate you and keep you moving forward on your list. I started my list on my cell phone. Some people find making vision boards5 help inspire and remind them of what they would like to manifest. Check out the appendix (for sample lists from two of my dear friends and lists of more things I want to try and things I tried before turning 50), my Fifty After 50 Facebook page, and my website, www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com for more ideas.
When you are ready to share your list, join my reader challenge. Check my website and Fifty After 50 Facebook page for details. We will cheer you on every step of the way!
Below are some areas of inquiry to get you brainstorming. Grab a notebook or a journal and start your list. Give yourself permission to change your list and let it be an organic document. You undoubtedly will be more successful with your pursuits if you believe you can do them. Even if not every item on your list goes completely as planned, you will be happier if you dared to try it. It’s your life; it’s up to you what you do with it!
Places I Want to Go
Look at a map of the world. If money were not a concern, where would you like to go? Why? What would you like to see or do there? Which are feasible, given time, finances, and other commitments?
You need not do them all in one year. Prioritize your list of favorites. But start dreaming now, before it is too late. Part of the thrill of travel includes the anticipation before you even step out of the door.
Do some research. I thought an African safari would be out of the question. But I have become quite adept at traveling on a shoestring budget. If you have never done that before, take a look at some of the Lonely Planet travel guides, or others like it. There are many ways to travel on a budget if you are willing to do the legwork to find out how to do so. You also could volunteer abroad with an organization. There is a wide range of volunteer vacation opportunities available, for varying lengths of time.
Regarding air travel, before you take a flight, make sure you are signed up for that airline’s flight award program so you get credit for every flight you take. You can get free flights this way. Always check a site like Kayak.com to see if traveling a day earlier or later would save you money.
Once there, walk as much as possible. Not only does it save on transportation fees, but you will see more than if you simply took taxis around the area. I have happened upon such joyful surprises while on foot.
Make a list of places you want to see before you die. If you do not know where to start, check out travel websites, magazines, blogs, and books. Ask friends and acquaintances to share with you the most interesting, placid, or life-changing places to which they have traveled. Life is short! Go for it!
Things I Have Wanted to Try
What are some things you have wanted to try, but were worried about what other people would think? I endured some negative comments about my decision to get my motorcycle license, but riding is one of the most exhilarating experiences of my adult life. One of the gifts of aging should be letting go of other people’s expectations of you. We no longer have the luxury of seemingly endless time, and do not know how long we physically will be able to do certain things that require strength or copious amounts of energy, so drop that rock that may be holding you back.
Have you wondered what the world looks like from the basket beneath a hot air balloon? Groupon and other discount coupons have made that experience more affordable. Want to learn how to train a dog? Volunteer at an institution that does dog training. This and other skills may be available as online or community college courses as well.
Take a look at your community college’s or community center’s course offerings. The catalog alone may give you some good ideas for your list of 50.
Learning a new skill is empowering. It keeps our brains firing and makes us more interesting, multifaceted people—even to ourselves. As we age, there will come a time when fewer things are physically possible. My mother’s recent hip replacement and heart bypass operation remind me of this fact. So let us drink fully from the cup of life.
Start your list of things you have wanted to try. The list need not be final. Just imagine what you might find if you let yourself be free to try, especially if you were not burdened by other people’s opinion of what you choose. Remember, what other people think of us is not our responsibility.
Goals
“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,” said John Lennon. Life circumstances prevent many of us from completing earlier goals. Life also requires us sometimes to adjust our plans.
Our generation is lucky to be able to chapter our lives in a way that was not easy to do for our mothers. Many women today step off the career track while raising children then can reenter the workforce in the same or a different capacity. I cannot say I love practicing law. But I enjoy using my skills to help people resolve their problems and the lawyer’s salary that affords me opportunities I would not otherwise have.
I certainly never planned to get divorced. In fact, it was a life goal of mine never to divorce. Thus, I had to reformulate my view of my “happily ever after.” Thankfully, with much work, I was able to find happiness within myself. Figuring out what truly makes you happy will inform your goals. Meditate on that, then start writing.
What are some goals you have wanted to fulfill, but haven’t achieved—yet?
More!
My lists and journal prompts are not meant to be exhaustive. One of the greatest gifts of feminism is the ability women have to choose. We are less shackled by limiting norms of generations prior. We do not have to move noiselessly into irrelevance or retirement. So, brainstorm about other things you would like to try in your post-50 years. Let the list be reflective of your evolution, as you open your mind to the possibilities and start doing mind-expanding, enlivening things.
Consider jotting down other things you are thinking about doing (but may need time and/or money before you can do them). Reflect on anything you do not love about your current life situation. What can you change about
such things? What are some ways of effecting these changes?
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered,
Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.
Gratitude Lists
Make a daily list of things for which you are grateful, from the prosaic (the sun is out today; I can still see/hear/taste/read) to the profound (my best friend, the love of my partner). If you wake up every day and think of a few things for which you are grateful, it will set a better tone for the rest of your day. We all know people who seem to have everything, but they are not happy, as well as people who have experienced great loss or have little, but are deeply happy. Why? Because they are grateful for what they have in their lives. They are grateful to be alive.6 I ask my sponsees in early recovery to text me every day with at least one thing for which they are grateful. You, too, can have a gratitude buddy, or start your own gratitude journal. It will make everything you do in this new life even better when you take the time to relish and appreciate it. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude every day can rewire your brain into a more positive mode. You can focus on the things that are good in your life instead of spending time wanting more. Your life is happening right now. Make this the first day of your amazing new chapter. . . .
Suggested Reading
Post-50, these books helped me more than any others. They continue to inspire me.
Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl (Boston: Beacon, 2006).
Dr. Frankl’s book was introduced to me in rehab and changed my life. A Holocaust survivor, Dr. Frankl maintains that we cannot avoid suffering, but we can choose how we cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose. Favorite quote: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book), by don Miguel Ruiz (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen, 1997).
Four ways to improve your life exponentially. By adopting these four practices, we release our suffering and prevent pain.
The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony de Mello, by Anthony de Mello (New York: Image Books, Doubleday, 1995).
Powerful meditations on the meaning of true love. I benefited greatly from the explanation of nonattachment as being critical to one’s happiness. I have given this book out to several friends who have found themselves in unhealthy relationships.
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, by Martin E. P. Seligman (New York: Vintage, 2006).
I was introduced to Seligman’s positive psychology and theory of learned helplessness when I was fighting depression. This book was, and remains, a tremendous life tool for me.
Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles, by Gabrielle Bernstein (New York: Harmony, 2012).
Bernstein presents the classic work, A Course in Miracles, to the next generation of seekers, while describing her own transformational journey. She preaches the miracle of forgiveness, and helped me let go of the stronghold of ego. Favorite quote: “If one chooses to see the darkness in others, we amplify the darkness in ourselves.”
Alcoholics Anonymous (New York: Works Publishing, 1939).
Colloquially known as the “Big Book,” it is the official explanation of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and stories of recovering alcoholics. It is truly inspired writing that has saved many an addict from relapsing into the fatal disease, and is something I refer to often. It is now in its fourth edition.
Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1987).
How to free yourself from codependence on other people, via self-care, boundary setting, and detachment with love.
The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents, by Melody Beattie (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1990).
Daily inspirational readings on the importance of emotional and spiritual self-care. Reminders that help me every day. There is a multitude of daily reading books, but this one has helped me the most.
Bibliography
Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. New York: Works Publishing, 1939.
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services. Daily Reflections. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, 1990.
———. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, 1981.
B., Mel. Walk in Dry Places. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1996.
Beattie, Melody. Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1987.
———. The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Codependents. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1990.
Bernstein, Gabrielle. Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles. New York: Harmony, 2012.
Buettner, Dan. Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way. Washington, DC: National Geographic, 2010.
Byrne, Rhonda. The Secret. New York: Atria Books/Beyond Words, 2006.
Cutrone, Kelly. Normal Gets You Nowhere. New York: HarperOne, 2012.
Dondrub, Lhamo (His Holiness the Dalai Lama). The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living. New York: Riverhead, 2009.
Estes, Clarissa Pinkola. Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype. New York: Ballantine, 1992.
Fieri, Guy. Diners, Drive-ins, Dives: An All American Road Trip . . . With Recipes. New York: HarperCollins, 2008.
Fonda, Jane. My Life So Far. New York: Random House, 2006.
France, Gary. France in America—A 21,000 Mile USA Discovery on My Harley-Davidson. Shrove, Greencastle, Ireland: Inis Communications, 2013.
Frankl, Viktor. Man’s Search for Meaning. Boston: Beacon, 2006.
Gilbert, Elizabeth. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. New York: Riverhead, 2007.
Gladwell, Malcolm. Outliers: The Story of Success. New York: Little, Brown and Company, 2008.
Hanh, Thich Nhat. Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life. New York: Bantam, 1992.
Iyengar, B. K. S. Light on Life: The Yoga Journey to Wholeness, Inner Peace, and Ultimate Freedom. London: Rodale, 2005.
Kerouac, Jack. On the Road. New York: Viking Compass, 1957.
Kantrowitz, Barbara, and Pat Wingert. The Menopause Book. New York: Workman, 2009.
Krasno, Jeff. Wanderlust—A Modern Yogi’s Guide to Discovering Your Best Self. New York: Rodale, 2015.
Krasnow, Iris. Surrendering to Yourself: You Are Your Own Soulmate. New York: Miramax, 2003.
Lamott, Anne. Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers. New York: Penguin, 2012.
Markham, Beryl. West with the Night: A Memoir. New York: North Point, 2013.
de Mello, Anthony. The Way to Love: The Last Meditations of Anthony de Mello. New York: Image Books, Doubleday, 1995.
Melton, Glennon Doyle. Love Warrior. London: Two Roads, 2016.
O’Donohue, John. To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings. New York: Doubleday, 2008.
Patchett, Ann. This Is the Story of a Happy Marriage. New York: HarperCollins, 2013.
Pirsig, Robert M. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry into Values. New York: Bantam, 1976.
Rubin, Gretchen. The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun. New York: Harper, 2011.
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Ruiz, don Miguel. The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book). San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen, 1997.
———. The Four Agreements Companion Book: Using the Four Agreements to Master the Dream of Your Life (Toltec Wisdom). San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen, 2000.
Seligman, Martin E. P. Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. New York: Vintage, 2006.
Sincero, Jen. You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Living an Awesome Life. Philadelphia, PA: Running Press, 2013.
Steves, Rick. Asia Through the Back Door. Santa Fe, NM: John Muir, 1993.
Strayed, Cheryl. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail. New York: Vintage, 2013.
Theroux, Paul. The Great Railway Bazaar. New York: Ballantine, 1975.
Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. Vancouver, BC: Namaste, 1999.
Weiner, Eric. The Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World. New York: Twelve, 2009.
White, E. B. Here Is New York. New York: The Little Bookroom, 1999.
Appendix
Additional Sample Lists from Others Inspired by My List of 50
I have worked with a number of women to help them enhance this chapter of their lives. Together, we have brainstormed custom lists and have cheered each other on as we try each new thing. Here are two of my favorites, a list of more things I want to try, and more suggestions for you of enjoyable things I tried before turning 50.
Hilary Olsen’s List of 50 After 50
Cooking lessons in Italy
Learned to let go of worries about money
Had individual talks with my adult children to ensure no misunderstandings or resentments remain
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