50 After 50

by Maria Leonard Olsen

  Visit someone confined to a hospital or prison and reflect on your health and freedom

  Stand up for something you believe in, whether it is by protesting, writing, calling, or confronting

  Reflect on the most painful or difficult thing that ever happened in your life and what that experience taught you

  Let go!

  Share your ideas on my website, www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com, or Fifty After 50 Facebook page.

  Book Club Discussion Questions

  I am available to come to your book club in person or via Skype. Please contact me via the publisher, my website, www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com, or my Fifty After 50 Facebook page.

  What do you think of Maria’s list of 50 and how would it compare were you to make your own list? What have you been inspired to do?

  Can you relate to any of the feelings Maria describes in feeling “other than” and self-consciously different from her peers? How so?

  Can you recall some childhood cruelties inflicted upon you? Why do you think many of us sometimes remember slights from childhood more than those that occur when we are adults?

  Do you have a bucket list? What do you think of the idea of having one?

  What is the most challenging thing you have ever done? What did you learn from it?

  What is holding you back from trying new things?

  What is your definition of happiness? What are three things that make you happy?

  Where are the top three places in the world you want to see before you die?

  If you died today, what regrets would you have?

  Who could be your accountability partner to spur you on to doing things on your list of 50 things?

  How has your view of aging evolved now that you are in your fifth decade on the planet?

  Legacies can take many forms. Artistic, philanthropic, financial, creative, and written are some. What is a legacy you would like to leave?

  Acknowledgments

  I would like to thank my sister-in-law, Hilary Olsen (technically, my ex-sister-in-law, but I will never X her from my heart), for reading an early draft and helping me navigate the self-revelatory aspects of what I was considering publishing. Thank you to dear friend Anne Christman, whose wise counsel is always of immense value. Thanks also to my best friend from childhood, Lisa Hodgkins, who gave me confidence that my book would be interesting to others. All three provided excellent edits.

  Grateful acknowledgment also is given to the following: Trisha de Borchgrave, for our transatlantic interview, a continuation of her sharing her brilliant intellect, creativity, and passion for many things, including healthful eating; Iris Krasnow, for serving as my writing mentor and encouraging transformations in the best possible ways; Pleasance Silicki, for radiating joy and sharing more with me during an interview for this book about how she does it; Pat Wingert, for allowing me to interview her during a busy week that crossed over into her vacation, and for sharing her insights about the positive aspects of menopause and good advice for meeting the challenges it can bring into our lives at this juncture; and Diane Nine, my talented agent, without whom this book would not have been possible.

  Thank you to my beloved children, Caroline and Christopher. I am honored to be your mother.

  Permissions

  E. B. White: Author of the excerpted essay, “Here Is New York.” Copyright © 1949 by E. B. White. Reprinted by permission of ICM Partners.

  Mel B.: Author of excerpted poem, from Walk in Dry Places (Hazelden Publishing, 1996), by Mel B. Copyright © 1996 by Mel B. Reprinted by permission of Copyright Clearance Center.

  Excerpts from the book The Four Agreements © 1997 Miguel Angel Ruiz, M.D. Reprinted by permission of Amber-Allen Publishing, Inc., San Rafael, CA. www.amberallen.com. All rights reserved.

  John O’Donohue: Author of the poem “For a New Beginning” from To Bless This Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings Copyright © 2008 by John O’Donohue. Used by permission of Doubleday, an imprint of the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. Any third party use of this material, outside of this publication, is prohibited. Interested parties must apply directly to Penguin Random House LLC for permission.

  Heather Markowitz: Author of the poem, “Quiet Down, Little One,” from Stardust Queens: Thoughts on Life, Love and Tumbling Through Space (CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform, 2017), by Heather Leah. Copyright © 2017 by Heather Leah Markowitz. Reprinted by permission of Heather Leah Markowitz.

  Notes

  Preface

  1. don Miguel Ruiz, http://www.miguelruiz.com.

  2. don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen, 1997).

  3. The 12-step group of which I am a member has a tradition of anonymity that does not permit me to name it in media. The tradition, however, “does not preclude you from speaking about your own recovery.” Advocacy with Anonymity (by Faces and Voices of Recovery, a brochure I picked up in the literature stand at a 12-step meeting), “Start by telling your story. Talk about recovery and how you achieved it. . . . People rarely see the faces of recovering alcoholics and addicts. They need to see firsthand that treatment really does work.” See also https://www.ncadd.org/get-involved/advocacy/advocacy-with-anonymity, accessed August 31, 2017. I must stress, however, that I speak only for myself and not for any organization.

  4. Vision Quest Writing Retreats, www.visionquestretreats.com.

  PART I

  1. The earliest verified variation of this quote about writing is by Paul Gallico in his 1946 book, Confessions of a Story Writer (New York: Alfred A. Knopf). In 1973, the quote was attributed to Ernest Hemingway in The Craft of Writing, by William Knott (Reston, VA: Reston Publishing). It has appeared numerous times on popular quotation websites as a quotation by Hemingway.

  CHAPTER 1

  1. Anti-miscegenation laws existed in 16 states until declared unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court in 1967. Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967). My Filipina mother was considered of a different race from my Caucasian father.

  2. National Sexual Violence Resource Center, http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf.

  3. See W. E. B. Du Bois, The Souls of Black Folk (New York: Bantam Classic, 1903).

  4. don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) (San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen, 1997).

  CHAPTER 2

  1. Mommy, Why’s Your Skin So Brown? (Milwaukee: Mirror, 2013); Not the Cleaver Family—The New Normal in Modern American Families (Mustang, OK: Tate, 2016). An article I wrote, “Being a Parent Is Not Always Apparent,” was published in a local Maryland paper, and several preschools in my area gave copies of it to their parents as part of their welcoming packages.

  2. Whether Roosevelt said this is debatable, but it is widely attributed to the former president. See, for example, Kenneth B. Cooper, Becoming a Great School (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2014), ix.

  3. ADAA was founded in 1979 as an international nonprofit organization dedicated to the prevention, treatment, and cure of anxiety, depressive, obsessive-compulsive, and trauma-related disorders through education, practice, and research; see www.adaa.org.

  4. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, for example, provides free and confidential emotional support around the clock to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Their toll-free number is 1-800-273-8255.

  5. National Public Radio, http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2011/10/20/141544135/look-around-1-in-10-americans-take-antidepressants.

  6. Harvard Health Publishing, http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/astounding-increase-in-antidepressant-use-by-americans-201110203624.

 
7. Drug-gene testing, also called pharmacogenomics, is starting to gain traction in the United States. Cytochrome P450 tests are beginning to be used to help patients determine how their body processes a drug, which, in turn, provides clues as to which medications may have more efficacy with a given patient. See http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cyp450-test/basics/definition/PRC-20013543, accessed August 31, 2017.

  CHAPTER 3

  1. Maria Leonard Olsen, “A Suburban Mom’s Ascent from Hell,” Washingtonian, January 22, 2013, https://www.washingtonian.com/2013/01/22/a-suburban-moms-ascent-from-hell/. My hope in writing about my recovery is that it can help other people find help. According to the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, “To make recovery a reality for even more Americans, we must become visible. . . . Almost two-thirds of Americans have friends or family members who have struggled with addiction to alcohol and other drugs. Together, we can break down the wall of shame and stigma that keeps people from finding their path to long-term recovery,” https://www.ncadd.org/get-involved/advocacy/advocacy-with-anonymity, accessed August 31, 2017.

  2. A host of fellowships to help people with various addictions uses the Twelve Steps. In other fellowships, the wording of the steps varies slightly. Although I usually do not feel the compulsion to drink, the Steps help me curb “dry drunk” behavior as well. People in recovery often use the term dry drunk to refer to restless, irritable, and discontented behavior that continues after one has stopped drinking. If we do not continue to work on our character flaws and underlying issues, many of us regress or relapse.

  3. Alcoholics Anonymous (New York: Works Publishing, 1939, 71–72.

  4. Alcoholics Anonymous, “Preamble,” http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/aa-literature/smf-92-aa-preamble.

  5. Alcoholics Anonymous. The first time I read this book, I was taken aback by some of the anachronistic word choices and assumptions that the husband was the alcoholic and the wife the suffering spouse. Though there has been much debate on this topic, the original text has not changed significantly since the first edition. In any event, the “Big Book” contains inspired writing that has saved many an addict from the fatal disease.

  6. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” The original author of this prayer is unknown.

  7. His Holiness the Dalai Lama, The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living (New York: Riverhead, 2009).

  8. Matthew 6:27.

  9. Jalal al-Din Rumi; see https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poet/jalal-al-din-rumi.

  10. Jalal al-Din Rumi.

  11. Alcoholics Anonymous, 96.

  CHAPTER 4

  1. Codependency is an “emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.” Mental Health America, www.MentalHealthAmerica.net.

  2. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (Boston: Beacon, 2006).

  3. There are 12-step meetings all over the world. Alcoholics Anonymous is the best known of such groups, though there are others. See http://www.aa.org. In the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area alone, there are more than 1,600 meetings per week. See https://aa-dc.org/meetings. Online schedules, as well as online meetings, are available every day, around the clock. See http://aa-intergroup.org. It is recommended that new people try several different meetings to find one that feels like the right fit. I recently have started to become acquainted with a Buddhist-based recovery program called Refuge Recovery. See www.RefugeRecovery.com.

  4. Anne Tyler, Ladder of Years (New York: Random House, 1995).

  CHAPTER 5

  1. I personally recommend the Lonely Planet book series and website for budget travel. See www.lonelyplanet.com. The Facebook group Girls LOVE Travel and Girls LOVE Travel 35+ are excellent resources as well. Airbnb has made travel more affordable, as have apps such as HotelTonight. If you have never used Airbnb, I can send you a coupon for $40 off your first trip! Contact me via www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com or on my Fifty After 50 Facebook page.

  2. See, for example, http://wwoof.net/volunteer-with-wwoof-gain-skills-meet-people-travel-the-world, accessed June 22, 2017.

  3. Desiree Garcia is the owner of Mobile Massage Therapy. She specializes in sports injuries and pain management, deep tissue and trigger point massage, acupressure, reflexology, and energy healing. She also is a Reiki master and yoga teacher.

  4. See www.cnn.com/shows/united-shades-of-america.

  5. See https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/02/travel/how-to-make-the-most-of-a-staycation.html and https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/staycation#bring-spa-to-you, accessed August 30, 2017.

  6. TripAdvisor also publishes regional and city travel guides. See www.TripAdvisor.com, accessed August 25, 2017.

  7. See Airbnb, www.Airbnb.com, accessed August 25, 2017.

  8. See, for example, https://www.volunteerhq.org/ and https://www.wearebamboo.com/. Bamboo has volunteer abroad programs specifically for people over 50 years old. www.abroadreviews.com is an independent entity that provides reviews of travel abroad programs.

  9. James Hilton, Lost Horizon (London: Macmillan, 1933).

  10. Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Coast Trail (New York: Knopf, 2012).

  11. For example, http://www.freetoursbyfoot.com/new-york-tours/, accessed July 13, 2017.

  12. A good source is https://www.timeout.com/newyork.

  13. The essay originally was published in Holiday magazine in 1949, and was rereleased in book form in Here Is New York (New York: The Little Bookroom 1999).

  14. Public Broadcasting Service, POV, http://www.pbs.org/pov/learning/photo-gallery-in-context/ , accessed August 21, 2017.

  15. Beryl Markham, West with the Night: A Memoir (New York: North Point, 2013).

  16. Jack Kerouac, On the Road (New York: Viking Compass, 1957).

  17. Paul Theroux, The Great Railway Bazaar (New York: Ballantine, 1975).

  18. Guy Fieri, Diners, Drive-ins and Dives: An All American Road Trip . . . With Recipes (New York: HarperCollins, 2008).

  19. Thinking Intelligent Food, http://www.intelligent-food.net/IF/LoveBeing.html, accessed August 24, 2017. Trisha started this website and used to blog about food and sustainable farming practices.

  CHAPTER 6

  1. National Institute on Aging, https://www.nia.nih.gov/alzheimers/publication/preventing-alzheimers-disease/search-alzheimers-prevention-strategies, accessed July 1, 2017.

  2. Iris Krasnow, The LEAD Program, http://iriskrasnow.com/lead/index.html, accessed August 24, 2017.

  3. Krasnow, The LEAD Program.

  4. Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers: The Story of Success (New York: Little, Brown, 2008).

  5. The free podcast on iTunes is called WPFW Inside Out.

  6. The Inside Out show is archived at www.wpfwfm.org. I generally host and produce the show on the first Tuesday of each month.

  7. Formerly known as “Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays,” PFLAG advances equality through its mission of support, education, and advocacy on behalf of people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ); see www.Pflag.org, accessed August 24, 2017.

  8. Maria Leonard Olsen, Not the Cleaver Family—The New Normal in Modern American Families (Mustang, OK: Tate, 2016).

  9. My book talk at one of the largest literary festivals in the Washington metropolitan area was broadcast live on C-Span’s Book TV; see www.c-span.org/video/?427995-2/cleaver-family. I received honoraria to speak about my books at the Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles and a race and gender conference in Tucson, among others.

  10. William S. Burrou
ghs, Junky (New York: Penguin, 1977).

  11. Montgomery County Journal (ceased publication in 2005).

  12. Quotation from Martin Niemöller on display in the Permanent Exhibition of the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum. Niemöller was a Lutheran minister who was later imprisoned for opposing Hitler’s regime.

  13. Jack Kornfield, Time for Truth and Reconciliation, https://jackkornfield.com/time-for-truth-and-reconciliation, accessed August 20, 2017.

  14. My books include Mommy, Why’s Your Skin So Brown? (Milwaukee: Mirror, 2013); Healing for Hallie (Milwaukee: Mirror, 2016); Not the Cleaver Family—The New Normal in Modern American Families (Mustang, OK: Tate, 2016).

  15. FreedomWithWriting.com (accessed August 24, 2017); AuthorsPublish.com (accessed August 31, 2017).

  16. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (Boston: Beacon, 2006).

  17. TaskRabbit, https://www.taskrabbit.com/about (accessed August 21, 2017).

  18. The Verge, Temping Fate: Can TaskRabbit Go from Side Gigs to Real Jobs?, https://www.theverge.com/2013/5/23/4352116/taskrabbit-temp-agency-gig-economy (accessed August 21, 2017).

  19. Airbnb, www.Airbnb.com (accessed August 25, 2017).

  20. TaskRabbit, https://www.taskrabbit.com/taskrabbit-good (accessed August 21, 2017).

  21. Madeleine Albright, Prague Winter: A Personal Story of Remembrance and War, 1937–1948 (New York: Harper, 2012).

  CHAPTER 7

  1. Alzheimer’s Association, https://www.alz.org/we_can_help_remain_socially_active.asp, accessed June 2, 2017.

  2. Alzheimer’s Association, 2017.

  3. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype (New York: Ballantine, 1992).

  4. Jahi Chikwendiu, “The Rhythm of the City: The Meridian Hill Park Drum Circle Evolves,” Washington Post, August 28, 2014, https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/the-rhythm-of-the-city-the-meridian-hill-park-drum-circle-evolves/2014/08/27/ed2de94c-1e73-11e4-ab7b-696c295ddfd1_story.html?utm_term=.a60558b25ced, accessed June 15, 2017.