Sapphire Beautiful

by Ren Monterrey

  “See ya,” Ally says before she gives us a sly grin and hurries away.

  Dante and I stand there for a moment in stunned silence. I wait for him to say something, anything, just to ease the thick tension that’s now in the air between us.

  “My parents are going to kill me,” he says finally. “I mean that literally. They are going to kill me.”

  “You don’t have to do this,” I tell him. “You know what Ally said isn’t true. I don’t want any more of your money. I don’t need it. I can do this on my own.”

  “No.” His tone is a lot harsher than I expect.

  “No?”

  “I’m not going to let you raise our baby on your own. I would never do that.” There’s pain in his eyes. “Do you really think I’d do that?”

  I gulp. “That’s not what I meant. I know you’re a good person. I know you want to do the right thing. But maybe the right thing is for you just to be twenty-two. To finish grad school. To not be tied down. I’m just saying that you don’t have to be trapped and I don’t expect you to be. I’m giving you options.”

  “I don’t feel trapped. At all. I want to be with you. I want to support you.” He stares at me for a long moment. “How old were you when you married Doug?”

  I heave a sigh. “I wasn’t pregnant so it’s a completely different situation.”

  “How old were you?” he repeats.

  “I had just turned twenty-three,” I admit.

  “I’ll be twenty-three in February.”

  “And my marriage to Doug worked out so well.” My tone is more bitter than I expect.

  “I would never cheat on you. I would never lie to you. I’ll always love you with all my heart. I’ll be devoted to you and to our baby.” His gaze grows intense. “We can do this.”

  I’m still not convinced. As Pollyanna as I’ve been in the past I know there are so many obstacles we need to face and I’m not sure love can overcome them all.

  “Maybe you need to have a conversation with your parents first,” I suggest.

  Even though he nods I can see he’s hesitant. Then he lets out a huge sigh. “I’ll go by there tonight and face the inevitable head on.”

  ***

  I’ve been pacing for several hours waiting for Dante to call, text, or communicate in any way, but he hasn’t. I’m surprised I haven’t paced a hole in the floor.

  Every time I pick up my phone I debate calling him, but I want to give him some space. He needs time to process everything as much as I do.

  And he needs to deal with his parents.

  When it hits nine o’clock and I still haven’t heard a word I begin to panic.

  What if Dante does take me up on my offer to let him off the hook? What if his parents convince him to abandon me?

  Will I really be able to handle raising a baby alone?

  Okay, maybe I won’t be completely alone. No doubt my sister will help out. And I know I’ll be able to count on Lucy to lend a hand. Andrew has already said he’ll support me as well.

  But I won’t have Dante. When I walked into Claudia’s office two months ago and signed the contract for our arrangement I never imagined I’d end up falling for the guy who was paying me to be with him.

  As much as I hate imagining a life without Dante I know deep down I’d survive. Not that I’d have a choice in the matter.

  I’m exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally drained. So I make the decision to go to bed early.

  I remember so vividly how claustrophobic I felt the first night Dante and I slept together. How he wanted me in his arms the entire night. Somehow I not only got used to being in his arms, but grew to enjoy it.

  Now the bed feels empty without him.

  Right before I turn out the light I make the decision to send him a quick text.

  Me: How are things going?

  Waiting for a response seems like an eternity. Especially when I’m used to him texting me back right away.

  A few minutes later I finally get a reply.

  Dante: I won’t be able to see you tonight.

  Me: I figured that.

  Dante: Can I come by tomorrow evening?

  Me: See you then.

  I force myself to eat a few crackers before I turn the lights out and doze off to sleep.

  ***

  “Guess what?” I ask my sister when she picks up the phone.

  “I only have a few minutes,” she warns. “The girls have a recital tonight. How did you get out of attending?”

  “You never invited me,” I tell her.

  “I thought you might be too busy with Dante. I doubt he wants to see the Little Ballet Studio’s Annual Fall Recital. I had to promise Matt a blowjob to get him to miss the game on television tonight. Dante could have kept Matt company and you and I could have gone to the recital. I wish I would have thought of that sooner.”

  “About Dante...” I interrupt.

  “You two didn’t break up, did you? You seemed really cute together. In a nerdy sort of way.”

  “We didn’t break up,” I tell her. Not yet anyway. “I’m pregnant.”

  “What!” she screams. Then it sounds like she dropped the phone. “Oops. Sorry about that. I thought I heard you say that you’re pregnant.”

  “I did and I am.”

  “What!” she screams again. At least she doesn’t drop the phone this time. “How is that possible?”

  “Well, when a man inserts his penis...”

  “I have three kids. I’m familiar with the steps of creating them. I want to know how you created one. I thought that oven didn’t bake bread.”

  “Apparently the oven is baking bread now.”

  “Do you think Dante is like some kind of super fertile creature? One look into a woman’s eyes and Bam! She’s pregnant.”

  “We had sex a lot and didn’t use any protection because I didn’t think it was possible for me to get pregnant. So here we are.”

  “That’s heavy.”

  “And you only know half of it,” I tell her.

  “There’s more?”

  “Oh, yes. Dante is a graduate student in the Medieval Studies department. He’s a recipient of that prestigious graduate research fellowship I was telling you about.”

  “You’re not allowed to sleep with students are you? Isn’t that how Doug got into so much trouble?”

  “Obviously I didn’t know he was a student when we got together. And no, we’re not supposed to sleep with students in our department. Luckily he’s not in my classes this term. And it’s a little different than Doug’s situation. I didn’t coerce Dante into having sex with me in exchange for good grades.”

  “You just took his money in exchange for sex,” she reminds me.

  “He’s on his way over. He told his parents last night. I’m pretty sure they tried to convince him to end things with me. They may have even succeeded. I told Dante I don’t expect anything from him. I know he’s young. He just started grad school. If he wants to make a clean break I understand and I’m willing to accept that.”

  “Do you love him?” she asks.

  “Yes,” I admit. “But I also don’t want him, or anyone else, to think I’m some gold-digging whore who would try to trap him by getting pregnant.”

  “Who would think that?” Her question actually sounds sincere.

  “His entire family. His siblings actually had a bet on how long it would take me to get pregnant. His sister won. But even she was surprised that I worked that fast with my gold digging and whoring.”

  “Wow...” is all she says.

  “And we won’t even get into the fact that I’ll be submitting my tenure application in less than a month. I’m considering affixing a giant scarlet A for adulterer right on the cover page. Pregnant with a graduate student’s baby can be the first line on my vitae.”

  “You were supposed to be the sane and rational sister,” she says. “This is some fucked up shit.”

  “That’s exactly what it is,” I agree.

&nbs
p; “Mommy said a bad word!” I hear Ruby scream in the background.

  “Babe,” I hear Matt say. “We’ve really got to go.”

  “Can I call you tomorrow?” she asks.

  “Sure. Dante’s unlocking the door so I should go.”

  “Wait. Unlocking like he has a key to your place?”

  “Recital time,” I tell her before I end the call.

  Dante does not look happy when he enters. My heart nearly sinks to the floor. When he doesn’t take me into his arms, or hug me, or even kiss me I know something is definitely wrong.

  “How did things go with your parents?” I ask.

  He shakes his head. “I’m sorry.”

  My chest tightens. “Sorry for what?”

  When he looks at me his eyes are moist. “My dad asked me if you were a professor in the Medieval Studies Department. It was obvious he already knew. I told him we met before I started the research fellowship, but I don’t think he believed me.

  “Oh, God.” My knees go weak and I feel like I’m going to pass out. “I need to sit down.”

  I just about make it to the couch in the living room before my legs give out.

  Dante takes a seat in the chair; he doesn’t sit next to me on the couch.

  “My dad donated a lot of money to the university for the research fellowship. He’s gotten a lot of publicity from it. I know he doesn’t want to embarrass himself so I’m not too worried about him divulging the secret. But he did threaten to if I didn’t end things with you.”

  I cover my face with my hands. This really isn’t the way I imaged things would end.

  “I don’t know if I can do it.” Tears are now streaming down his face. “I know you’ve worked really hard and the last thing I want to do is ruin your career, but I’m not sure I can let you go.”

  “It’s for the best.” When my voice cracks I do my best not to break down into a sobbing heap.

  He reaches into his pocket and removes the key to my townhouse that I had made for him. Ever so carefully he places it on the coffee table.

  We both stare at it for a long moment.

  When I look over at Dante he looks like a shell of his former self. Like someone sucked all of the life right out of him. I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.

  I’ve broken the person I was supposed to love.

  He wipes at a tear that has escaped down his face, “I’ll always love you.”

  “I know,” I sniffle.

  Closing his eyes he says, “Do you have any idea how badly I want to touch you right now?”

  I want to say, “Probably as badly as I want you to touch me,” but I refrain. I give a simple nod instead.

  “I’d better go.” He rises from the chair. “My parents took the keys to my car. They made my brother drive me over here so there was no way I could stay.”

  “Goodbye, Dante.”

  He shakes his head before he hurries out the door.

  Twelve

  I gag as I put a toothbrush in my mouth. Brushing my teeth has proven to be problematic. Every time I attempt to clean my teeth I feel like I’m going to throw up.

  I don’t want to deal with it so I give my mouth a quick rinse with mouthwash and wash my face.

  “You look like shit,” I tell my reflection in the mirror.

  “I feel like shit too,” my reflection replies.

  I’ve still got the sapphire necklace Dante gave me around my neck. I know I need to take it off, but it makes me sad to consider. I decide to keep it on for one more night and take it off in the morning.

  ***

  “What’s going on?” Lucy enters my office and closes the door behind her.

  I’m doing my best trying to put together my tenure application packet, but my mind keeps wandering. I’m haunted by the look on Dante’s face when he told me that he’d always love me. He looked so lost. And I feel so empty every time I play the image back in my mind.

  I glance up from my laptop and heave a sigh.

  “You look worse every time I see you.” She takes the seat opposite me. Her eyes are filled with concern.

  “Dante and I aren’t going to see each other anymore.”

  Her eyes immediately move to my chest, where the sapphire necklace once lay. “What about the baby?”

  “I guess I’m going to be a single mommy. It’s not ideal, but it’s the only sensible thing to do. There’s no way we could actually be together. Not if I expect to keep my job.”

  “I could still introduce you to my cousin,” she offers.

  “Right.” I give a sarcastic laugh. “Great way to start a relationship. I can just see our first date. ‘I’m a professor. I love rock music and reading. And I’m pregnant with another man’s baby.’”

  “It’s not ideal,” she mimics me.

  I roll my eyes at her. “It’s ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as Andrew telling me he wants to take care of me.”

  Her eyes widen. “He did?”

  “He did.”

  “Wow, he must really have the hots for you. Are you going to take him up on the offer?”

  “No!”

  “Why not?” She throws right back at me.

  Unfortunately I don’t have a good retort. So I just say, “It’s not right.”

  “And it’s not right for little Mr. Silver Spoon to knock you up and leave you holding the bag either.”

  “I let him off the hook,” I tell her. “I didn’t want him to feel like I trapped him and he didn’t want me to lose my job.”

  Mutually assured destruction.

  “Whatever you need, you know you can count on me. I won’t abandon you.”

  “Dante didn’t abandon me. We just can’t be together. It’s complicated.”

  “You have a lot more incentive now to do everything you can to get tenure. You’re going to be supporting two.”

  I point to my laptop. “Then I’d better get at it.”

  ***

  As I’m getting ready to leave for the day I spot Dante and Andrew walking down the hallway. I glance around for someplace to hide, but unfortunately I’m not quick enough. They both spot me.

  Talk about incredibly awkward. Andrew is the only person in my life who knows I’m pregnant, but doesn’t know who the father is. And of course Dante knows he’s the father, but he can’t let on in front of Andrew.

  “Dr. Pine,” Andrew greets me formally, as is our custom when we’re with students.

  “Dr. Madden.” I give him a quick nod.

  “You remember Dante McNally,” he says. “He’s been doing a tremendous amount of research for me and he’s one of the best students I’ve ever had. Every one of his assignments has been absolutely perfect. I have no idea how he has much time for anything else.”

  I choke. He had plenty of time to knock me up.

  Dante’s eyes immediately land on my collarbone where the sapphire necklace he gave me once sat. It’s now sitting in its velvet box in the top drawer of my dresser.

  The pain I see when I look into his eyes is almost unbearable.

  “I really should get home.” I glance at my wrist even though I forgot to put on my watch. “I’ve got quite a few papers to grade.”

  “Do you need help?” Dante blurts.

  Andrew and I both look at him.

  “I mean, with your research,” he stammers. “I’d like to have a variety to research experiences on my vitae.”

  “Dante has done so much work for me so quickly he’s put himself out of a job temporarily. At least until I can get caught up with everything he’s found.”

  “Misty is working with me on my book proposal.”

  I believe that will put an end to the idea of Dante working with me until Andrew snaps his fingers. “What about that grant you were considering? Dante could work on the application, under your guidance, of course.”

  I did push the grant aside when I made the arrangement, but it was something I was interested in pursuing. We’ll probably only have to meet a few time
s and I can keep it professional. I won’t even close the door when he’s in my office.

  “Fine,” I agree. When I look at Dante the tiniest bit of sparkle has returned to his otherwise dead eyes. “When would you like to meet?”

  “Tomorrow afternoon?” he suggests.

  “I’ll be in my office.”

  The three of us stare at each other for what feels like forever.

  “I’d better get going then,” I state.

  “I’ll walk with you for a while,” Andrew says. Then as an afterthought, clearly for Dante’s benefit he says, “So we can discuss the class assignments for next semester.”

  Dante stares at me for a few long moments, almost as if he’s trying to absorb me with his eyes. It’s still hard for me to believe he won’t be staying with me tonight, or any night from now on.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Dr. Pine.”

  I nod. “See you tomorrow, Dante.”

  I watch as Dante walks away, his head hung low, and disappears down the hallway.

  “That kid is amazing,” Andrew comments as we head in the opposite direction.

  As much as I’d like to tell Andrew that Dante’s not a kid, that he’s the father of my child, he’s still only twenty-two and he’s still a first semester graduate student.

  And he’s still living under his parents’ roof and obeying their directives.

  He’s not fully an adult either.

  “I’ve been at the university for a decade. I’ve worked with hundreds of graduate students. Dante’s far beyond every one of them. Not just in his writing and critical thinking skills, but in his sheer depth of knowledge. Honestly, I’m a little intimidated by him.”

  “He’s an asset to the department,” I reply because I’m not sure what else to say. He’s not as intimidating when he’s naked.

  Andrew’s eyes narrow. “I realize you haven’t had him in class yet, but you don’t sound too keen on him.”

  “I’m sure he’ll do a great job on the grant application.” I try to sound as enthusiastic as possible.

  Andrew stops right in front of me. “This is about your baby isn’t it?”

  I gulp. There’s no way he could know about Dante, is there? “What do you mean?”