Daz 4 Zoe

by Robert Swindells

  She shook her head. ‘Don’t talk that way, Zoe. Silverdale’s not so bad. You may be a little low on friends right now, but at least you get to eat every day and sleep in a warm bed nights.’

  ‘Oh, Tabby – I’m sorry.’ I’d been so wrapped up in my own little misfortunes I’d hardly spared a thought for the Wentworths’ awful plight. I took her hand in mine. ‘What’ll you do, Tabby? Where will you go?’

  ‘Oh.’ She managed a watery smile. ‘I didn’t mean – it’s not that bad, Zoe. Not for us. I mean, we won’t starve or have to sleep in the woods or anything. We’ve got a place.’

  I looked at her. ‘What sort of place? Where?’

  ‘A house. I don’t know exactly where, but it’s way out in the country. Dad started building it a long time ago, when he and Mum first got involved with FAIR.’ She smiled again. ‘Being rich and in real estate has its advantages. So you see – you won’t have to imagine us cooking rats and possums over a woodfire and sleeping in the rain.’

  ‘No.’ I wrapped my arms round my knees. ‘I’m glad about that, Tabby. But I still don’t understand how it’s gonna work for you. I mean, money and all that. Your dad won’t be in real estate anymore.’

  She shrugged. ‘I don’t know about any of that either, but I bet Dad’s got it all figured. He’s a real smart cookie, my dad.’

  ‘I know.’ I gazed down the backyard, wondering whose view this was going to be. ‘I wish I was coming with you.’

  ‘No, you don’t. It sounds okay now, but I’m sure we’ll have all kinds of problems out there. You stay and finish school and keep on thinking the way you do and maybe things’ll change.’

  She smiled. ‘Maybe you’ll be the one to change ’em, then you and Daz’ll be together. And in the meantime there’s always Grandma.’

  I shook my head. ‘Not always, Tabby. She’s a hundred and four, y’know.’

  ‘Yeah, well -.’

  We sat looking down the yard, not saying anything. After a while the door opened behind us and Mrs Went-worth came out. Her eyes were red. I thought she might make me go away but she didn’t. She set milk and cookies on the top step and left us to say our goodbyes.

  I went home. School wasn’t out yet, but I went home anyway, and you know it’s just amazing the things you can discover by arriving home unexpectedly in the middle of the afternoon.

  Mum looked up from her magazine. ‘Zoe. What’re you doing home? It’s only two thirty.’ There was something in her voice that might be apprehension. I thought she was afraid I’d got myself into more trouble at school so I said, ‘It’s okay, Mum. It’s not me this time, it’s Tabby.’ I thought she’d ask what about Tabby but she didn’t. She said, ‘It had to be today, didn’t it? You never come home earlier than three-thirty and it had to be today.’

  She sounded weary, resigned. This wasn’t like her and fear flickered in me, deep down. ‘What does that mean, Mum? What’s so special about today that I shouldn’t -.’

  I broke off, listening. Footfalls above my head. Voices. Dad’s and another, upstairs. I remembered there’d been an unfamiliar car at the curb when I came by just now. I looked at her. ‘Who’s upstairs, Mum? What’s going on here?’

  ‘Now, Zoe.’ She got up. The magazine slid off her lap and she stepped on it and sort of tottered toward me with her arms out.‘You’re not to get upset.’

  She tried to take me in her arms but I shook my head and turned away. ‘No, Mum. Don’t do that. You’ve done something, you and Dad. Don’t baby me. Tell me what it is.’

  She dropped her arms and sighed. ‘We meant to break it to you gently, dear. We didn’t want you to find out this way, but how were we to know you’d come home in the middle -.’

  ‘Tell me!’ It was a shout. A scream. I couldn’t help it. My fists were clenched so tight they were trembling and I was showing my teeth. I must’ve looked like a wild animal and my mother recoiled with a small cry.

  ‘Your father sold the house.’

  Ah. I turned to the window, bracing my hands on the sill, resting my forehead on the cold pane which fogged with my breath. So that’s it. I should’ve known. It’s tainted for them now, this house. This formerly respectable house which is respectable no longer because the police were here. Because it could be under surveillance and people know. Ah, yes. That’s the clincher. People know.

  I closed my eyes. Behind me, Mum was silent. I heard Dad and the other guy come downstairs. The house door opened and they stood talking, keeping it low. I wondered what the guy’d made of my outburst a moment ago. Not that I gave a damn.

  It wasn’t just the house we’d be leaving. I knew that before the guy drove off and Dad came in and told me. Silverdale’s not that big. You can’t hide in it. You can’t run away from something by moving house. What’s known, if it’s worth knowing, is known all over the suburb. You move and it’ll follow you. No. The only way to wipe the slate clean and start over is to find another suburb. And that’s what Dad had done. It was called Peacehaven, it was more than a hundred miles away and he’d bought a house there.

  So. Goodbye Tabby, hometown, Grandma, Daz. Little Zoe’s leaving you ’cause Daddy knows best. Daddy can’t wait to get his little girl away to that nice, clean place where the past can’t reach and there are no bad influences. Daddy’s really looking forward to it.

  Don’t hold your breath, Daddy.

  DAZ

  leaving Zoe maid me feal so bad i coud dye. it woz late wen i got hoam but no yuse trying 2 sleap. Our mam in bed, so i tuck some doody stamps and some tucker stamps and trade them 2 a guy i know 4 peanuts, the idea is get smasht rite?

  i dont go in that Blue Moon a longtyme now. i fink mebbe peeple remember how i get them Subbys away that tyme, plus Mick ther most nites. Mick see wot he done 2 my face he larf. tonite i dont care, its late and a long walk 2 that ovver club Black Diamond so i go in Blue Moon.

  No trubble. Mebbe no 1 rekernise me wiv my mestup face but no 1 tork 2 me neever. i stand on my tod in a coma, nokking them back, this fing i’m drinking call a mixtup rite, cos 5 diffrent drinks init plus it gets you mixtup. Subbys call it lob otter miser, aniway i get 3 ov them mixtups down or 4 mebbe 5 and evryfing going rownd and rownd and i cant fink no more not even abowt Zoe and some 1 near me torking. i rekernise the voyce. i get my eyes lyned up and start my brain and its this guy wot beet up on me wiv Mick, hes torking 2 anovver guy. my lughoals not heering 2 gud plus my brain keep stopping but i heer Wentworf. Zoe frend call Wentworf. i moov up close 2 earwig.

  i heer this. Lornorders kick Wentworf famly outer Silverdale Toozday. rich famly, bring lotsa gud stuff owt wiv em. 1 man 1 wumin 1 kid. thay come owt, this guy wayting 4 them wiv his mates, kill the Subbys nik ther stuff.

  i fink, this kid Zoe frend. i gotta do somfing. i finish my mixtup, leeve. owtside i cant wolk 2 gud i hit 1 howse bounce of hit anovver howse fall down larfing, sleap.

  ZOE

  ‘Oh hello, Zoe. I’ve been expecting you.’ Grandma moved aside so I could come in, and closed the door behind me. ‘Go through. I’ll get coffee.’

  ‘I didn’t come for coffee, Grandma.’

  ‘I know, child, but a good cup of coffee never hurt, and waiting for it’ll give you time to cool off. Sit down.’

  I sat but I didn’t cool off. The way I was feeling, that wouldn’t have been possible. I gazed out the window, seeing nothing, picking at the knee of my jeans.

  Grandma brought in the coffee, poured and sat down. ‘They told you, then?’

  ‘Only because they had to. I came home early, caught ’em selling the place. Otherwise they’d probably have told me on the way to the airport.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s quite fair, dear.’

  ‘Fair?’ I looked at her. ‘What’s fair got to do with it’ Grandma? D’you think it’s fair to take someone away from everything they’ve ever known without even talking to them about it first?’

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t, and I said so to your mum and dad, but they thought they were
handling it right.’

  ‘Well, I’m not going, so there.’

  ‘Now, don’t be silly, dear. Your parents have decided to move, and since you are not yet old enough to look after yourself you have no choice but to go with them.’

  ‘I could stay here with you.’

  She shook her head. ‘No, Zoe, you could not, for three reasons. One – your parents would never agree. Two – I have only the one little bedroom. And three – I’m a hundred and four years old and it takes me all my time to take care of myself.’

  ‘I’d help you. I could clean the apartment and cook and all like that. I’m not a little kid.’

  ‘Zoe.’ She leaned forward and took my hands in hers. ‘I know how you feel but it’s no use – the decision’s been made. I don’t like it any more than you do but we’re not in control, child.’ She smiled and squeezed my hands. ‘You’ll make new friends, wait and see. Once you’re there, it won’t be nearly as bad as you think.’

  ‘Oh, Grandma. You’re just saying the sort of stuff all adults say to kids. I thought you were different. You always used to be.’

  She smiled, but it was a sad smile. ‘What did you want me to say, Zoe? Run away? Leave Silverdale in the middle of the night, go be a Chippy? Is that what you expected?’

  I nodded. ‘That, or something like it, yes.’ I looked into her eyes. ‘Why shouldn’t I run away, Grandma? I could go to Daz. He’d look after me.’

  ‘Daz?’

  ‘The guy I met. You know – the one I told you about?’

  She nodded. ‘He got in touch?’

  ‘We’ve met up, Grandma. Twice. He’s been here in Silverdale and I’ve been out.’

  ‘Oh, Zoe!’ She squeezed my hands so hard her rings dug in. ‘That is so dangerous, dear. If DS knew you were fraternising with someone from outside they could make you leave Silverdale – your dad and mum too – and live as Chippies for the rest of your lives. Did you know that?’

  I nodded. ‘I know. The Wentworths leave tomorrow.’

  ‘Paul Wentworth?’

  ‘Yes. And his wife and my best friend Tabby. They’re in FAIR.’

  ‘How come you know about this, Zoe?’

  ‘Tabby told me.’

  ‘Ah. Huh. Well, that’s a pity. Just when we -.’ She let go my hand and sat back. ‘I can see now why you’re so upset, you poor thing. First your best friend, then your home, and all in a day, too. And Daz, of course.’

  She didn’t say anything after that. She folded her knotty, thin hands in her lap and sat looking at them. I drank my coffee, watching her over the rim of the cup. Maybe I wouldn’t have to move to Peacehaven after all.

  It was nothing like that. Later, I was to find out she’d been brooding about something far more important than my problem, but at the time I thought she was thinking up a plan. You can imagine my disappointment when she looked at me and said, ‘I wish there was some way I could make all of this easier for you, Zoe, but there isn’t.’

  I went home and found my parents packing. Dad said ‘We leave Friday.’ I didn’t say anything.

  I had my thoughts, though.

  DAZ

  Monday i woak up erly. You sleap all cold nite on crack stoans you wake up erly 2. my hed banging plus i feal pukey but i remember i got somfing 2 do.

  Firs gorra gerra gun.

  Easy. Dred got moast of the guns but i know wear is 1. our Del put 1 gun under the flor at hoam. after thay topt him sumtymes wen our mam owt i tuck it owt luck at it. fink, sumday i kill 1 Subby wiv this 4 our Del. This gun bilong 2 Dred but our Mam dont know its ther and i never turnd it in.

  i ronik innit? me keeping this gun 2 kill 1 Subby now i’m gonna yuse it 2 save 3.

  Nex fing. wear this guy gonna hambush them Subbys? Not near Silverdale 4 shor. Start shooting near Silverdale, fans com shoot you. Moas kickout Subbys hed 4 town, luck 4 old howse 2 liv in. So. This hambush probly sumwear between Silverdale and town. gorra get myself hid tonite, foller the guy. i hoap hes only got 4 mates – our Del gun got 5 bullits.

  i cleenup, get my hed down 2 be fresh 4 the job. wear you going sez our mam wen i’m leeving arownd 9. No wear Mam i sez. No yuse her worrying, i can worry enuff 4 2.

  ZOE

  I didn’t go to school Tuesday. My parents thought I did, but I didn’t see why I should expose myself to the sort of hassle I’d been getting there, for the sake of three more days. And anyway I had some thinking to do.

  First I thought I’d go round to Tabby’s, maybe see her one more time, but I decided the Wentworths’d have enough to do without me hanging around, plus I didn’t know if I could stand another of those goodbyes. So I went to the park and sat on a bench by the pond where there are ducks but very few people this time of year.

  I’d been awake most of the night trying to decide what to do. I’d tried to image what it’d be like to be a hundred miles away from Daz, knowing for certain we were never going to meet again and not even able to communicate through notes. I couldn’t do it. I thought about Tabby, and I thought about Grandma. Mum had told me she and Dad had offered to take Grandma to Peacehaven too but she refused, saying she liked her own place, that her life was in Silverdale. I’ve always loved Grandma, and the thought of being way up there in Peacehaven without her to talk to was more than I could bear. So, with dawn in my window I decided that whatever happened I would not go to Peacehaven, and with that I fell asleep.

  It’s easy to make brave vows when you’re tucked up snug in bed. There, dream and reality get mixed up even if you’re awake. In the grey light of morning, huddled in my coat under that steely cold sky it seemed a lot harder. I was still determined to do it, but now I was having to face up to the difficulties, and there were many.

  First, I had to get out of Silverdale. That may not sound so hard but I don’t drive, and they don’t let you walk out. There was the tunnel, of course, but I didn’t dare contemplate using that when DS might be watching. There’d be no point getting away and then being killed by Dred for betraying their route into the suburb.

  Then if I did get out, how would I live? There was no work out there, and I was too young to qualify for the government foodstamps and clothing vouchers most Chippies exist on. I’d be relying on Daz, but what if he couldn’t help? I was beginning to realise I knew nothing about his circumstances, except he had a mother and they lived in the highest apartment block in Rawhampton. Would Daz’s mother be prepared to feed me? Would she be able to? And anyway, why should she?

  And then there’s Mum and Dad. Okay, so they haven’t been all that supportive toward me lately, but they’re my parents and I love them. Once I go through that wire, I’ve lost them forever. With me outside, it won’t matter whether they’re here in Silverdale or a hundred miles away in Peacehaven, I’ll never see them again. And that goes for Grandma too, of course. If I run away, I’ll be leaving her far more finally than if I went with Mum and Dad. Flights and freeways link all suburbs, no matter how remote, but nothing spans the yawning chasm that lies between Veezaville and Chip-pyland.

  After a while I got chilled sitting on the bench and some little kids came to feed the ducks, so I got up and went off to try to find out where the trash trucks work on Wednesdays.

  DAZ

  i hed norf. Owt past wear the tunnel is 2 wear the bildings fin owt and all fall down. no 1 livs hear. 2 near Silverdale. 2 near lornorders but gud place 4 hambush. Kickowt Subbys moasly come here firs, spend the nite. i get down behynd a bit ov wall, Del gun handy, wait.

  4 a longtyme noffing. i start finking mebbe i got the rong place plus i’m ded cold then i heer som littel fing lyke some 1 kick a stoan. i luck owt and i see 2 guys coming lyke mooving shadders, sept shadders dont hav ryfels, rite? Thay creep rite by me. i luck 2 see ovvers com but no 1 else, i’m glad thers oanly 2. Thay past me and i foller littel bit norf littel bit norf til thay fynd a spot thay lyke. Thay all the tyme torking so dont heer me. thay hyde in 2 ruins, 1 this syde the street 1 the ovver but torking acrost lyke on a picnic or som
fing. i fink if Cal seen em he larf or mebbe shoot em in the mouf. i get behynd the 1 wot don me over. i never fyred a gun but coudn miss from hear.

  we settel down, wait 4 morning, longtyme. i seen 1 rat and 1 fin dog plus i heer a lot ov rabbit witch it coms from the guys moufs.

  i’m frozen. glad wen i seen it start 2 com lite. gorra be careful now thogh or som 1 spot me.

  waiting waiting waiting. Sunup now but no warmf init. no Subbys neever. i get in payshent, fink wy wait 4 Subbys? oanly 2 ov em. shoot em now get it don wiv.

  boaf guys worrid now torking acrost the street wear ar thay? wy thay not com? lucking norf, never luck behynd. i pickup Del gun, my fingers feal stiff wiv cowld plus i got the shayks, speshly my hand. i never kilt a guy bifoar. i lift the gun, breev in hold my breff con-sentrait fink how this guy neal on my back wile Mick ram my face in the muck. no shayks now. sqeez. Bang!!! Del gun jumps. the guy face hits the wall in front ov him noyze lyke splitting happel and he slydes down leeving blod on the brix. no sownd. jus slyding down and this littel hoal lyke belly button in his back.

  wen i fire, this ovver guy yell owt Pete – hey Pete wot you shooting at? i duck down say noffing. Pete say noffing 2 – firs tyme in his lyfe probly. the guy yell owt again Pete hey Pete, i stay hid. after a minit stoans rattel and futsteps running, i luck owt, see the guy running souf lyke the clappers.

  Noffing more 2 tel. i tutch Pete wiv my foot, he wont neal on no 1 elses back, i wolkit acrost the street, luck norf. No Subbys. Mebbe thay dint get kickowt after all. mebbe old Pete got it rong. i bet he fink so.

  i go souf, hoam 4 brake fast.

  Wear you bin our Daz, sez Mam.

  no wear Mam, i sez.

  thats jus wear you sed you was going, she sez.

  shes dry, our mam.

  ZOE

  Another sleepless night, and I must’ve changed my mind a hundred times as the hours dragged by.