Wanting It

by Scarlet Wilder

  I wanted to push her away, tell her that she didn’t have a clue what she was talking about, that I knew from the way Jake had touched me that he would never be such a bastard. I knew she was just trying her best to console me.

  But, what if she was right? What if the gorgeous, strong and confident man I’d come to know over the past few days really was nothing more than a coward? It didn’t make any sense. That wasn’t the Jake I knew. But, here I was, alone without him, in my own bed, and rather than having my hands on his body, I was only clutching a pathetic little note.

  “Maybe it’s something to do with Brandon?” Mom asked me suddenly. “Maybe Jake feels bad that Brandon doesn’t know about the two of you. Has your brother spoken to you at all?”

  “No,” I said, wiping at the tears on my cheek. But, as I thought back to the moments earlier in the evening when I’d kissed my big brother goodbye and wished him an incredible time on his honeymoon, I recalled that there was something in Brandon’s eyes that had made me a little concerned. I hadn’t given it much thought at the time; my mind was elsewhere, thinking about when I could finally leave and head up to Jake’s bedroom for our last night together.

  But now I wondered whether I should have taken the time to see if he was okay. What if he knew about the two of us? The thought made me a little bit sick. Was that the real reason Jake had left?

  If so, he was even more of a coward than I thought he was. He couldn’t face me, and he couldn’t stand up to my brother and admit that we were adults, doing what adults do. Instead, he ran off with his tail between his legs at the first sign of trouble.

  I barely slept that night, even though, I was exhausted. I was relieved that Brandon and Clea had already left, and I didn’t have to see my brother while looking like a complete fool with puffy eyes and the numb gaze of someone who’d just been dumped; someone foolish enough to think that they had something special.

  †

  The flight back to Nebraska, once again, consisted of transfers and waiting around for the next flight. I went through the process with nothing but resignation. I don’t think I smiled once and managed to sleep all the way back from Texas to Omaha.

  I know Mom didn’t want to leave me at my apartment, alone, but I couldn’t face being with anyone. Mia wanted to stay with me, too, but I sent her on her way at the same time. It sounds self-indulgent, and I guess it was, but all I wanted to do was hug my pillow and sob in grief, only having Pete there to lick my nose and comfort me.

  †

  I allowed myself just one more day of mourning before I went back to work.

  Once I stepped through the doors of my office and opened the computer to hundreds of emails, I knew I had to focus. There was far too much at stake when it came to my job, and too much that I’d spent years working for.

  I was certainly not going to spend my time throwing it all away because of some guy.

  But, as I said the words to myself, no matter how much I wanted to believe them, I couldn’t accept that Jake Matthews was nothing more than some guy. I wasn’t just crazy about him because he’d been my first and that he’d taken me to places I didn’t know existed. No, he was more than a vacation fling. I wanted so much to believe that Mom and Mia were right, telling me that ‘guys like him only want one thing before they leave’.

  It was more than that, though. He was more than that. The two of us had shared something that went beyond a holiday romance.

  But, at the same time, he’d made it pretty clear that he didn’t exactly want us to stay in touch. After all, how difficult is it to write a cell number on a piece of paper, for God’s sake? I would have settled for that over the words “take care” any day of the week.

  I had to take a deep breath and get my head back in the game.

  It was a godsend, there was no denying that. The emails kept pouring in, and more and more projects came through that needed my attention. I also had my own special project to oversee, and I put it at the forefront of my mind.

  After a couple of weeks, I resigned myself to a life where Jake Matthews was no longer in the picture. I knew I could just pick up the phone and either get his number from Brandon or the magazine where he worked, but decided against it.

  Call it pride, if you like, but I was not going to run after his cowardly ass even though I had more than a few choice words that I would have loved to share with him. That was for goddamn sure!

  While I didn’t throw the note away, I buried it in my desk drawer, under a pile of books.

  Take that, Jake Matthews, I said to myself. I’m not going to think about you anymore.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  JAKE

  †

  BY CHRISTMAS, I WAS only too ready to come home. It seemed that my resolve to stay in the States and start putting down some roots had been well and truly broken. This last assignment had nearly broken me.

  When Marshall called me that last night in Hawaii, he was near hysterical. Tim Shaw, the journalist he sent to the Congo in my stead, had disappeared, seemingly without a trace.

  “Jake, please,” Marshall pleaded. “I can’t have this man’s life on my hands. He’s got kids, for God’s sake! This wasn’t that dangerous of an assignment! I don’t understand what the fuck happened here as we did hire bodyguards. But, you’ve been to the Congo before, you know the landscape and I know you’ve got the contacts. I’ll pay you anything you ask.”

  I ignored his last remark. I knew Tim and his wife and considered them my friends. I’d already made up my mind to help even before Marshall kept on rambling about the authorities not being interested in helping at all as there was no crime reported. That was just the way it was in some of these third-world countries.

  “I’ve got your flight booked already and you need to leave right away to catch the flight in time to get you there by tomorrow evening. We haven’t heard anything from him since he disappeared two days ago.”

  God, I didn’t want to leave like this, trust me. But, I knew Marshall was right. I knew the system, I knew who to talk to, I knew who to pay off for the right kind of information.

  So, I left.

  †

  She was on my mind as I boarded my flight, right there, behind my closed eyelids as I leaned back in my seat. Nicole. Beautiful, Nikki, who I hoped to see in only a couple of weeks, depending on how long it took to find Tim.

  You only ever chew women up and spit them out.

  Brandon’s angry words drifted to mind. I knew he was wrong. That wasn’t the case with Nikki, I was sure of it. But, maybe he was right about other times, and I certainly didn’t have the best track record in the world to present to him as an argument for getting his approval when it came to his sister. Not that I needed it, but I sure would have wanted it.

  I sighed heavily, thinking of what a goddamn mess everything now seemed. I just hoped to God that Nikki found the note I left her. I didn’t even have her damn number but knew I would get it as soon as I returned.

  Even so, I knew I needed to push the thought of her aside, for now, and focus on what lay ahead, whatever that might be.

  I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of what might have happened to Tim. Michelle and the little ones needed my help; they needed my full attention now. I had to find my friend.

  †

  The flight to Africa seemed to take forever, and, as soon as I landed, the games began.

  It took only three days to find Tim, and, thank God, he was still alive, although just barely. My contacts paid off. As soon as money exchanged the right hands, the word went out. News was quick to return. Someone had spotted a small party of men, one American, not far from one of the cobalt mines a week or so earlier. That was all I needed.

  We found him lying in a dugout protected from the elements only by a couple of tree branches and tarpaulins left there by the Congolese army. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone so relieved to see my face. And, I’ve never seen a grown man sob like that either, tears of gratitude streamed down his dir
t-stained face as his body spasmed in shock, his hands not even having the strength to hold onto me as I help to pull him out of that hole.

  His injuries were bad, but his dehydration was even worse, the high fever he was running not helping either. It was a miracle he was still alive.

  Later, he explained how their small party of three were caught in a crossfire between two ethnic groups, the warlords stirring up animosities between them as they fought over grazing rights and water; a common thing in this war-torn country. His bodyguard was killed, taking a shot to the head, while he took one to the knee. The guide fled as soon as the first shot was fired.

  He was lost and too scared to move. So he crawled into the dugout he found while the fighting carried on around him. By the time it ceased, he was too weak and injured to move. We found him just in time.

  It nearly broke me to think that he was in that goddamn burrow for all that time, trapped and too fucking scared to even move. His only saving grace were the few snacks and water he had with him in his backpack, and, as he later showed me, a photo of Michelle and his two boys which he still held onto even while recovering in one of the local clinics before his flight back to the States.

  On our way back to the clinic, we passed the edge of one of the mines where I caught sight of an entrance. A tunnel was cut deep into the rock and propped up with a couple of flimsy logs. A generator hummed just outside the entrance, pumping air down the shaft. Men with cheap head-torches scurried around, sorting through the ore.

  Then I saw them.

  Three little ones emerged from the dark underground, their faces covered with mud that had dried into white scabs all over their small little bodies, each carrying a chisel in the one hand and clutching a filthy bag with the other.

  If you stood next to me, seeing what I saw that day, your heart would have broken for them as well, just like mine did.

  That was the exact moment I decided to stay. Their story needed to be told.

  While my security team was much tighter this time around and I had no complaints about the hospitality, it certainly wasn’t an easy ride. The corrupt officials seemed even more corrupt than ever, and there were times I had to take on different personas to get the real story. Some days I worked for a big broadcasting company. Other days, I was a backpacker simply out to explore the deepest jungles of the Congo.

  We happened to stumble upon several child labor camps during our many excursions. We had guns pointed at every part of our bodies every time, but the issues were usually quickly resolved with long explanations and stacks of cash exchanging hands.

  But, it was worth it. The photos spoke for themselves.

  One of the pieces won a National Journalism Award, where Marshall proudly walked onto the stage and insisted that none of it would have been possible without my hard work and dedication. Thanks to the piece, charities were raising hundreds of thousands of dollars to help get kids out of the mines and back into schools. I was proud of the work, although it had almost cost me everything; including, nearly, my sanity.

  It had certainly cost me Nikki.

  I knew that by the time the assignment was over, a little after Christmas, she’d have moved on and forgotten about me. As I lay awake in my bed, she, once again, drifted back into my thoughts like so many times before. I was immediately taken back to the sweltering evenings in Hawaii when we’d lost ourselves in each other’s naked bodies.

  †

  As I was reading the week’s email from Marshall about some of our latest assignments, I thought I was dreaming when I saw the name of one of the bookings.

  Nicole Thomson - Conference, Tuesday, it read. Great Points Architecture, 138 Argent Plaza. Assigned: Sienna.

  Sienna? The rookie, fresh out of college and eager to make a name for herself, was assigned to cover the story. I didn’t even know there was a story. I’d been back in the country for only a matter of days, but as I paused reading the email and went onto the internet to search for Nikki, I saw that, in my absence, she’d achieved incredible things. Her plyscraper design had been picked up by no fewer than five major cities, and now she was being awarded the Architect of the Year award.

  I leaned back in my chair and exhaled. Then I narrowed my eyes and reached for the phone. There wasn’t a chance in hell that Sienna was going to that conference. I called Marshall. I think he was a little confused.

  “You know it’s a small-time gig, right?” he asked. “I mean, from what I’ve seen of her work she’s certainly talented, but it’s nothing like the jobs you usually cover. And I can’t say the paper will pay you your normal rate for a chick pointing at the model of a building.”

  “It’s fine,” I smiled. It just wouldn’t be Marshall if he didn’t put a price on it. “I’ll take it pro-bono. Call it a late Christmas present. Or, a Hanukkah present, in your case.”

  “Hey, buddy. You know we have eight days of presents for Hanukkah,” Marshall replied, dryly. “Can I expect you to be this generous for seven more projects, too?”

  “You can expect it,” I replied, “but you’ll be disappointed, my friend.”

  He laughed. “I’ll let Sienna know you’re covering it.”

  There were no more questions. Marshall wasn’t the kind of guy to worry too much about anything as long as it meant that the job was done, so, on a freezing cold January afternoon, I headed downtown with my camera. I made a point of shaving my beard, keeping the same length of stubble I’d had that week in Hawaii. I wanted Nikki to see me as she remembered me.

  The hall was abuzz with journalists all wanting to get a look at the model of renewable city solutions. Conservation was becoming a hotter and hotter topic every day, and I only had to look at my recent foray into the jungle to know how important it was for the world’s press to highlight the need for the kind of solutions that weren’t going to destroy the planet.

  It seemed that Nikki was doing exactly what was needed, judging from her work and the reaction to it. She was fast becoming the leading name in her field.

  As I mingled with the other journalists and made my way through the crowd, I saw heads turn to look at me. One guy’s mouth fell open as he rushed over. “You’re Jake Matthews, right?” he asked.

  I looked at him and grinned. “Last time I checked, yes,” I said. “How are you?”

  “Oh, my God. You’re like the reason I got into photojournalism,” he gasped. “That piece on the indigenous tribes in Bolivia was the best thing I’ve ever seen. I keep a copy of the magazine in the drawer next to my bed!”

  I didn’t quite know how to respond to a statement like that, so I just laughed and shook his hand.

  I knew that Woke was the most popular magazine in America at that moment in its niche, with both hard and soft copies being sold at an astronomical rate. I knew that I had made a good contribution to its popularity, too, but I wasn’t the only one. We were a huge team who all worked together to put out the sorts of pieces that made people think differently about the world we lived in.

  A little like the work Nicole Thomson was doing, I said to the young, eager guy, shifting the focus back to the reason we were all here. “Oh, she’s inspirational,” he beamed. “I think she’s just the kind of thing Woke would really be interested in.”

  “That’s why I’m here, for sure.” I said and I made my way to the main press desk. I knew what I wanted, and spoke to the pretty blonde behind the counter. I explained where I was from, and her interest peaked immediately.

  “Oh, my goodness,” she gasped when she saw my ID. “Let me speak to Miss Thomson right away, Mister Matthews.”

  She blushed and tucked a strand of hair flirtatiously behind her ear. I played along.

  “I’d like a one-on-one interview for a full magazine spread,” I said, winking at her. “I’m sure you can make that happen for me, right?”

  With quick steps, she strutted across the room in her high heels and disappeared through a set of doors.

  I had to take a deep breath and compose myself, kno
wing that behind them was Nikki. I was sure that she’d agree to the interview, and I couldn’t wait to see her again.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  NIKKI

  †

  I THOUGHT THAT WINNING the grant in the summer was going to be the highlight of my career. I was wrong. Winning the AOY topped it a million times over. To me, it had been a no-brainer that we needed sustainable living and working constructions that were going to give back to an environment we’d only really taken from until now, particularly in urban areas. But, it seemed that the right designer had never come along, until now. It was my time, and the timing couldn’t have been better.

  The strange thing is that I was nowhere as nervous as I had been when I won the grant. Now, I was much happier in front of the camera, talking to journalists, answering their questions, some of which were very well researched and were a challenge for me to answer.

  I no longer wanted to hide behind my stern suits and scrape my hair back, either. I felt more confident and, for the big day, I wore a smart red dress and black heels.

  Work had saved me. There was no doubt about it. The weeks after Brandon’s wedding passed in a blur of tears and emails. I barely ate and just finding the energy to get out of bed in the morning was a struggle.

  Only the determination to win this award kept me going. Hell hath no fury, right? And while I wasn’t sure I could say I’d been scorned, exactly, I’d certainly been taught a very harsh life lesson.

  We had five minutes to go before the presentation when Hannah, the company’s press secretary, came bursting through the door.

  “You’ll never guess who wants an interview!” she cried.

  She didn’t answer when I raised my eyebrows. Wordless cues have never been Hannah’s strong point.