Hard Love

by Shana Vanterpool

  We’d been on the beach since nine this morning. Trixie was passed out under the tree behind us. The sun radiated on my chest and legs. I’d been able to score a pair of board shorts in my size, but since Cat had to suffer, so did I. My shorts matched her bikini. Dark yellow with orange palm trees.

  “You need more suntan lotion?” I asked.

  She smiled, her eyes hidden behind her sunglasses. “You rubbed me down twenty minutes ago, Brawk, I’m fine.”

  I smiled back, knowing that her eyes were on mine. “I’m here, any time you need me to protect that creamy, smooth, supple flesh …” I swallowed hard, dragging my gaze over her once more.

  She giggled and her hand smacked off my arm. “You are unbelievable. I’m sore. Like so sore I didn’t even want to pee today. Give me a break.”

  “I could kiss it, make it better?” I flicked my tongue at her. Truth be told, we’d been doing nothing but making love—rough, sweet, hard, slow—since we got here. She probably deserved a break. I wasn’t a bad guy, despite my past, but I wasn’t in a passive mood these days either. I wanted my fill of her. Even though I was positive forever wouldn’t even be enough. “Slide your panties to the side at least. Show me your cunt.” I’d never get forever with her.

  She giggled again, her stomach and chest blushing red. “At least? Oh, please. No one feels bad for you.”

  I rolled onto my right side. “I guess I’ll have to do it,” I said, with all the fake negativity I didn’t feel. She covered her mouth with her hand and laughed. I loved the sound of her laugh. It was rare, like my own, and rare only led to cherishing. I cupped her pussy through her bikini, pushing my middle finger into her slit. I looked up quickly to check if anyone was close by, and then right back down to find that she’d lifted her shades and plunged them into her hair. I couldn’t help myself. Once I caught sight of the glimmering sheen of lust discoloring her eyes, it wasn’t in my hands after that. I crushed my lips down on hers and soaked up her moan.

  She had the sexiest moans. They came from all the way inside, this deep dark place only I shone light on.

  “Show Daddy your pussy,” I purred into her neck, anticipating her reaction.

  She let her thighs fawn open and her breath exhaled. “I guess that nickname works after all,” she mewled, arching into my touch. She reached down blindly and tucked her finger under the material of her bottoms. Then she pulled it to the side, baring herself to me.

  The moment I saw her exposed, I was in a haze. Lost to her. I fell to my stomach in the sand and buried my face between her thighs. The sun shone down on us, burning my back and turning her eyes into dark amber pools of honey. Holy hell, she was beautiful. I lapped at her pussy, indulging myself more for me than for her. She tasted unbelievably amazing. “I could live down here,” I groaned, pulling her pulsing clit into my mouth.

  At that point, I knew her pussy well. Knew that the slightest pressure of my teeth on her little pink clit sent her into a spiral. I knew that she liked to come at least twice from oral. Once from her clit and once from her g-spot. I inserted two fingers into her heat and pumped her, hooking them and stroking that pulsating spot inside of her as I sucked her clit. She spiraled into her second orgasm.

  She looked like a gothic mermaid washed up at sea, twisting in the sand. She was dark and beautiful, her tattoos clashing with the cloudless blue sky. Even though Catherine clashed, she still belonged. And in a weird way, as long as she belonged, I did too.

  “I love you,” I promised, needing her to know. Needing myself to know.

  She collapsed into the sand. I came up for air only because we were in public, and despite my intentions, she didn’t deserve to be taken on the beach in front of anyone. I lay on my side and slung my arm over her waist, checking to see if anyone spotted us. The rocks on the shore blocked the majority of us. I returned to her; there was nowhere else I’d rather look. She hugged my arm to her chest and lay unmoving.

  Looking at her was bittersweet. Part of me felt transcended. The other half of me felt doomed.

  Cat glared.

  I continued lacing my shoes. It was early morning, and the heat of the day had already made the atmosphere feel like we were breathing in wet humid air. “I’ll be fine. I’ve felt great since we got here.”

  She sighed heavily, her deep brown eyes burning with concern. For me. I cared for myself only because I had to. She didn’t have to. Self-preservation didn’t bend that far. But she’d been concerned for me since I woke up in that hospital bed, and at that point, her care for me felt like a security blanket. If she took off, she’d take every bit of good she made me feel with her. But some things were inevitable. The tide, the moon; one wrong shift to the right, an awkward gust to the left, and this storm we’d gotten comfortable in would collapse in on me.

  “You’ve felt good because we’ve spent a long time in bed,” she pointed out.

  Needlessly, might I add. I was well aware of how we’d been spending our time. “Well, Trixie and I are going hiking. You’re more than welcome to come along.” I bent down to get her harness and leash on.

  “Oh, right. Like that’s happening. So I can sit here and drive myself sick with worry. You’re turning me into a woman with a heart, and I’m getting sick of it, Brando.”

  I smiled ruefully at Trixie’s back, fastening her leash. I stood with it in my hand and turned to her. “I don’t know, Cat. I feel better. It’s been a long time since I could move, let alone hike. But it’s been a lifetime since I wanted to feel good. Thought we could do that together.” I shrugged.

  Her shoulders sagged and she shot me a heavy look. “You’re good, really good.”

  Thirty minutes later we found ourselves on the trail head. Backpacks stocked, sweat dripping down our faces. Trixie was already covered in mud. But the hot air in my lungs didn’t feel as heavy as when we got to the island. A lot of things didn’t feel as heavy as when we got to the island. That was the problem. They would be again. It was inevitable.

  I glanced at Cat as she pushed through the winding, twisting vines overtaking the rainforest floor. I hoped she remembered today. Any day of us together would be okay. But something about today felt light. Full of sunlight and warmth. It filled my chest. I sidled up beside her and pushed to the front. There was a group of people half a mile ahead of us. I could hear their laughter and loud whoops.

  “Shouldn’t drink all of your water so soon,” I warned, hearing her behind me guzzling from her bottle.

  “I’m thirsty.”

  She was out of her element. Uncomfortable, sweaty, thirsty—unsure. But she was a fighter. She’d adapt. I closed my eyes in misery and prayed I was right. And then I opened them and did what I’d been doing since I was thirteen. I shoved the dark far away in my mind and focused on right now. And right now was pretty damn good.

  The heat of the rainforest was soggy, but the air still smelled fresh. The ground beneath our boots were full of life. We weren’t two people lost at sea in the rainforest. We were two people clutching their time together in their fists. Only Cat didn’t know our time together was on a timer. That it had been that way from the moment we met. I tried to fight my love for her not because I didn’t think I’d deserve it—I never would—I fought my love for her because I knew I’d never have it.

  I knew she’d rip my heart in two.

  Not because she’d hurt me. But because Cat gave me every reason in the world to want us. But things were set in motion the night my family was murdered that could not be stopped. I would never know peace with her. I would only have right now.

  I was a horrible person.

  My chest closed off and breathing was damn near impossible.

  “Are you okay? Want to take a break?” Her hand settled on my back in concern.

  “No,” I insisted, pushing on. “Let’s keep going.”

  My lungs didn’t scream for a break until the moment we got to the top of the mountain. We crested the end of the trail and I held my hand out. I wanted to see this
together. She gave me a shy smile, her face flushed from exertion, and placed her hand in mine. We walked to the edge of the mountain and looked out over Hawaii. Her gasp of shock warmed my heart. The sight before us was magic. Green, lush, and vibrant. The ocean spread out before us. The turquoise water shimmering on the horizon.

  “Brando, this is incredible.” Her mouth was parted lips, shining from her licking them. “Thank you. For the trip. For … everything.”

  I leaned down and kissed her. On the edge of the cliff, amidst the only magic we’d ever get.

  We spread out a blanket I packed and Trixie collapsed onto it the moment she could. We ate the food I bought and drank water.

  I’d remember that moment forever. The light in her deep brown eyes. The color in her cheeks. The warmth in her gaze. The depth of her love for me was so apparent, I nearly caved. Gave in and pled, but there was no more room left to plead.

  There was only room left to destroy.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Catherine

  Heartbreak was ruthless.

  I rolled over and found the bed empty the next morning. Trixie whined at the back door of the hostel room, scratching with her one paw relentlessly. The sun outside was deep gold. It was afternoon. I wasn’t surprised I slept that long. We’d spent ten hours hiking yesterday. Parts of me were sore that had no right hurting.

  When we’d gotten back to the room, Brando had torn my clothes off and made love to me twice. Long, deep love. The kind of sex that rearranged the soul, as if his had linked with mine and forged. I walked on clouds over to the back door.

  “Put your pants back on, Trix.” I let her out and then looked around for Brando.

  I didn’t know his bags were gone until I returned from the shower, thinking he went out for food or for something else, and sank to my knees near my own bags.

  My heart stilled. I looked around hectically. Everything that was his was gone except for my bag. Even his empty water bottle that sat on the floor near his bed was gone. He’d had it there so he could take his pain pills.

  My world felt unsteady, like someone tipped the gameboard to the right, and all the pawns were falling over the edge. I grappled with my cell phone, waiting impatiently for it to turn on. I ignored the missed calls and texts from Klay and Madi, and immediately called Brando’s cell. It went straight to voicemail.

  “You’ve reached Detective Hawkins. Leave a message.”

  He’d never changed his voicemail. I hadn’t thought anything of it at the time. But something about his name still being Detective Hawkins put a horrible lump in my throat.

  I threw on some clothes. Still clutching my cell, I went out to the lobby. The clerk was wearing a tank top and a bandanna. When he saw me, he pulled out his headphones and nodded. “What’s up?” he asked, probably in his late teens.

  “Did you see my boyfriend leave?”

  He nodded. “Checked out early this morning. Paid until the end of the week. Said to give you this.” He reached under the desk and pulled out a letter.

  I snatched it and tore it open, my heart stopping. It was written in his handwriting on the back of a tourist guide pamphlet. It was folded up at least ten times, like he’d spent a long time writing it. I read my name in the beginning, and then skipped to the ending, but nothing I saw explained anything, and I didn’t want to read it in front of the clerk. I tucked it in my bra, my soul heaving.

  “What did he say?”

  He shrugged. “Nothing, really. Said he’d like to check out and pay out the bill until the end of the week. You check out on Friday at noon, by the way.”

  That didn’t make sense. None of it did. “Thanks,” I threw out, stomping back to my room. I sank on my bed—our bed—and plucked the letter from my bra.

  Catherine,

  You were right. When I woke up in the hospital, you said, You are not okay. You were right. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for a very long time. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to leave you, Cat. I don’t want to leave you ever. You make me want things I never dreamed of wanting. Happiness. Love. I wanted you from the moment we met. A match was struck. You felt it. I know you did. I see that light every time I look into your eyes.

  That’s why I left. I refuse to take that light. I want to know it exists somewhere, somehow.

  I was selfish. So selfish. Loving you knowing I could never keep you.

  You knew we’d be a disaster. You knew we’d be the best kind of bad and the worst kind of good. Stay the week. Go home. Smile. Never stop looking for magic. I have to do this, Cat, so they can be at peace.

  It was always my plan to find the men who killed my family.

  And it was always my plan to make them pay.

  There was a reason you were hesitant. Your fear kept you safe, because our souls weren’t going to stop until we were together. Our fears, on the other hand, were probably right.

  You’re my storm.

  My heart.

  My only happy thing.

  I’d put you in my safe if you could fit. Carry you everywhere I went.

  I love you, Catherine Abbott. That’s all the magic I needed.

  I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted to love you.

  Love,

  Brando

  Cold moved through me.

  I was in paradise, but I no longer felt the heat. I felt the ice of his betrayal. He hadn’t come to Portland to get better. He’d gone to Portland to chase.

  How did I not see it? I picked apart his letter, word for word, for hours. Was he going to kill them? The people that killed his family? The ice in my heart turned into shards. He’d known, all this time, what he was going to do.

  I had to stop him.

  I couldn’t see through my tears as I packed. Throwing my things into my bag and Trixie’s too. I wrangled her from the backyard and jumped into my shoes. I lugged my things with me outside and called for an Uber.

  “We’re going to the airport?” the driver asked.

  “Yes,” I answered, getting Trixie into the backseat. I refused to let myself think. If I did, I imagined things I didn’t want to imagine.

  I’d been protecting myself from Brando. My heart from this feeling.

  I hadn’t known that he was protecting something too. And it wasn’t his heart.

  It was me. From the truth.

  When I got to the airport, I was met with disappointment. The only flight out to PDX already left this morning. On the edge of tears again, I tried to breathe, to think. I checked other cities nearby, like Seattle, but there was a huge storm moving over the west coast and all flights there were cancelled. That’s why he took me hiking yesterday. He knew there wouldn’t be another flight out to Portland until Friday. He knew that was our last chance to be together before he left me stranded in paradise with my heart seeping through his fist.

  I drug my bags over to a coffee shop in the airport and tied Trixie’s leash around my chair handle. Brando’s flight already landed at PDX two hours ago. I called Klayton’s number, chewing on my thumb as it rang. It was Monday morning. Odds were they were both in the shop. I tried Madi’s cell next, my heart stopping when I heard her voice.

  “Cat, you are in some serious shit,” she greeted. “Klay’s so pissed, he’s been mean.”

  “Madi, is Brando there?”

  “No. He’s been gone as long as you have.”

  “Have you talked to him?”

  “No.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Has Klay?”

  “I don’t know. Cat? What’s wrong?”

  “Everything,” I exhaled miserably. “Is Klay available?”

  “Um … that’s probably not a good idea. He’s seriously pissed.”

  I got that. If he left me high and dry, I’d have his balls for sure. But Klay had his magic. I’d wanted mine too. The thought had me doubling over. I buried my face in my hands and hyperventilated. I already felt his absence.

  Like all the love and magic in the world had been taken wit
h him. I didn’t see light or wonder. All I saw was pain and betrayal.

  “Cat!”

  I picked up my cell and sighed sadly into the receiver. “I need you to do me a favor, Madi.”

  “What?” She sounded resigned.

  “Go to Brando’s apartment.”

  “And do what?”

  “See if he’s there. Call him. I don’t know. Call his landlord. Do something. Please? You have to do something. You have to stop him, Madison.”

  “Stop him from what? Where have you two been?”

  “Call me back once you’re done.” I hung up and then dialed his cell again, only to hear his sexy gruff voice telling me to leave a message. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, Brando Hawkins, but you’d better not be doing what I think you’re doing. Leaving me? Me!” I shrieked, not caring who saw me. “I love you, you stupid bastard. And you let me fall in love with you, knowing you were plotting revenge the entire time. That no matter how much I wanted you, there was no shot at us? Why didn’t you tell me to go home when you woke up in the hospital? Why would you wait until now? Until I couldn’t breathe without you?”

  Beneath the table, Trixie whined. I hung up and wiped my tears.

  If heartbreak was relentless, strength was too. Even now, I couldn’t break. Breaking wasn’t in my blood.

  I was able to catch a flight to New York. A ten-hour non-stop flight to the other side of the United States. When I landed, I immediately turned my phone on to find one text from Madison.

  Madison: He’s gone. Landlord said he paid out five months in advance when he got the apartment. Funny thing about it is that the apartment’s in your name. And it’s fully furnished. What’s going on?