The Big O (The Virgin Diaries)

by Bellus, HJ

  Pedro joins the conversation, jumping up and down barking for food. Scout gets my attention and she’s suggestively pushing her tongue on the inside of her cheek and using a hand to make a crude motion.

  “I’m off to work, girls behave.”

  She promptly quits her vulgar action as soon as he turns around.

  “Now spill,” Scout says as soon as Dad shuts the door.

  “I did last night, bitch, you fell asleep.”

  “I didn’t fall asleep. You make it sound so bad. I was sucked into a sex induced coma.”

  It doesn’t take much convincing to retell the whole tale to her. Halfway through the story I realize for the first time ever, I’m actually happy and hopeful.

  7

  Meet Tony the Tiger

  “So, when is the big field trip?” Scout asks, while shoving half a banana in her mouth. I can’t even begin to imagine how much dick she’s used to housing in there.

  “Earth to O. I asked you a question.”

  “Thursday.”

  “Are you excited? Think you’ll see him?”

  I just shrug and pick through my dismal salad.

  “What’s wrong, Champ?” She nudges me in the shoulder.

  “I seriously have no business messaging Oren and letting him take me out on a date or I mean, dinner?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I have no friggin’ clue what I’m doing? Hell, I’ve never even been kissed before, Scout.”

  “Here.”

  I watch Scout scoot her chair closer to mine, then wipe off her lips with the back of her hand and before I know what in the hell is happening, she has her lips sealed to mine.

  “Scout.” I push her back and scrub the shit out of my lips with my napkin.

  “See, now you have nothing to worry about.” She points over her shoulder. “And we just gave every veteran male teacher in this staff lounge a boner.”

  “God, how have I stayed friends with you this long?”

  She slaps both the tops of my thighs. “Seriously, O, I’ve given you the most powerful vibrator on the market along with a clit stimulator and have told you to watch porn. I mean, you need to get a little loosened up if hot cop is going to turn into something real.”

  “I can’t, Scout.”

  “Just go home tonight, run yourself a nice hot bubble bath, pour you some wine, set the mood music, and then let Tony the Tiger sneaks his way in.”

  “Just stick it in my vagina?”

  Did those words just really come out of my mouth in the teacher’s staff lounge?

  “Like I said, you need to get lose, strum your clit-tar to get revved up, and then sink it in.”

  “No, I’m so done with this conversation.” I slam my lunch box shut and feel more hopeless than ever. I’m really starting to believe that some women are just destined to be alone forever. It’s all too overwhelming to think about.

  I make my way down to my classroom, high fiving each of my friends and then save the day teaching one math problem after another. My mind fights me on every single step though. I’m constantly checking my phone for a text from Oren. He’s been texting randomly and I can’t get enough of it.

  When the bell rings and I usher the students out, I only stay until contract time instead of six or seven at night grading papers and prepping tomorrow’s lessons.

  “I can’t believe I’m going to do this,” I say to my reflection in my rearview mirror. “I’m not even a wine drinker for Christ’s sake.”

  On nervous high heels, I walk into the store, toss in my normal items and then hit the wine aisle. My sweaty palms run over the front of my tight khakis as I look at all the wine. Holy shit, it’s like the mecca of wine here. Reds, whites, pinks, some in boxes, others in fancy glass bottles and not one even speaks to me, so I pull out my phone and Google the best wine for a newbie. Google recommends Moscato and I go for it, throwing in the biggest bottle I can find on the shelf.

  This is going to take massive amounts of courage if I even do it. After school, Scout reassured me that Tony the Tiger is waterproof and will for sure give me an O. I’d like for my first O to be from a real body part, not a synthetic gigantic impression of a cock that can glide, twirl, and vibrate. My phone dings while I wait in line.

  Oren: Hello Miss Olander.

  Me: Good day Hot Cop

  We’ve both become a little more unguarded over our few days of texting.

  Oren: Only a few more nights until we dine together.

  Me: I won’t lie. I can’t wait and it’s two nights.

  Oren: I was thinking of taking you out for pasta

  Me: Lmao. Of course you were. Hey, I’m checking out and will text when I get home.

  At least the man has jokes, so far never making anything awkward. My skin crawls when the cashier scans the wine and then takes her time tucking it in a brown paper bag. I swear she knows that I’m going home, slugging back some wine, and then getting it on with huge plastic dick. I’ve never slid my card so fast through the reader and punched in my pin.

  “Fancy seeing you here.”

  A quick flash of red and blue lights grabs my attention and then my gaze lands on Oren in his patrol car with his arm resting out the window. He slowly pulls his sunglasses up to the top of his head and smiles sweetly at me. Oh, those dark brown eyes and strong jawline will be the death of me.

  “Are you following me?”

  “Maybe.” He shrugs. “It’s not illegal to be attracted to a gorgeous woman.”

  “No, but it is illegal to be that cheesy.”

  We both share a good laugh and I step closer so I can get a whiff of his cologne. I melt when it hits me.

  “Have a hard day at work?” he asks, pointing to the neck of the wine bottle peeking out from the bag.

  I go speechless with no witty answer. It takes me moments to recuperate. “It’s for a friend.”

  “That’s what all the good girls say, Olivia.”

  He drives alongside me slowly until I reach my car and pop the back hatch with my remote. I turn to him after I settle my bags in and place both hands on my hips.

  “Need something, Officer?”

  He uses his pointer finger, beckoning me to come closer. I close the space and bend down a bit. Oren snakes his arm around the back of my neck, tugging me closer into him, his large palms splayed out on the back of my neck, and then whispers in my ear.

  “Your ass looks killer good in those pants. Wear them Friday.” He keeps our closeness for a second before dragging his lips along the lower lobe of my ear before backing all the way back.

  “And Miss Olivia Olander this is why I can’t be around you when I’m on shift,” he says with a smile. “The bad guys would be torching the city while I’m all wrapped up in you.”

  A call comes across his radio and he does his best to pay attention and then gives me a wave as his sirens and lights go on. The shrill sound of the sirens sends goose bumps racing up and down my spine.

  I plop down in the driver’s seat of the car with my knees still knocking together from the contact and his words. I send him a text that I know he won’t see for several hours, since he just raced off in such a hurry.

  Me: I can’t wait for the handcuffs.

  And from there on it’s radio silence, which means those red and blue lights mean serious business. I drive home in the safest mid-size SUV thanks to my pops and look over at my bottle of wine every once in awhile. When I hit my front door, the bottle of wine practically shouts my name from the brown paper bag. I swear the fucker is screaming my name and taunting me the whole time to get my O on.

  Pedro does hot laps around me, bounding all over the apartment, only holding still for a couple of pets and then doing more hot laps. I swear my neighbor slips him crack while I’m away at school.

  “Walk.” I hold up his harness and smile when he slides between my feet. He loves going on walks and it’s rare in the springtime considering how late I typically get home. Wrapping up the school year is always
hell.

  Fresh air will do my mind good right now, like get me in game mood for the main event later in the bathtub. Pedro sits perfectly letting me snap his harness on. Boy, that took us a good year to get down; it used to be like a damn WWE wrestling match with dog hair flying and me cussing.

  Once it’s snapped, he paws me with his paw, kindly reminding me to feed him his Pupperoni for being a good boy.

  “You are so spoiled, little boy.” I ruffle the top of his head and toss him his snack. “I love you.”

  I scoop Pedro up, letting him eat the rest of his treat and jog down my stairs with my cute little doo-doo bag in my other hand. The sun is bright and I curse myself for forgetting my shades, but know this will be a short walk today since my mind is seriously preoccupied.

  Pedro takes off on a run down the sidewalk, using all of his leash and even tugging on my hand more. Yep, someone has to be slipping him crack. I look down at my tight khakis and giggle, remembering the compliment Oren gave me. The flip-flops I slipped into before leaving slap the sidewalk rhythmically and my thoughts float away to hot cop. His scent, smile, and voice; it all has me locked in a trance.

  “Time to turn around, Pedro.”

  We reach the end of our block and I don’t feel like crossing the main road tonight. Pedro does some dirty business on a patch of grass and like any other responsible dog momma, I scoop it up.

  A flood of sirens assault me when I stand back up. At least a dozen cop cars whiz by us with their lights and sirens blaring. Something big must be going down right now. They go by too fast to even be able to recognize Oren. I try to shrug it off and head back where my wine awaits my company.

  The walk seems to have worn out Pedro. He lays perched at the bottom of my bed soaking up the little bit of sunlight streaming through the window. I forgo eating due to nerves and pour a glass of wine after nearly elbow dropping the top of the bottle to get the cork out. Who knew a simple machine was so damn difficult to use?

  At first the tartness of the wine makes me shiver but then soon, a sweet spray dances over my tongue.

  “Not bad,” I say to myself and down the glass.

  The stage is set. A hot bubble bath, a full wine glass, bottle of wine, light mood music, candles, and then…the massive purple plastic cock who is about to give me my first screaming O. I locked Pedro in his kennel because there’s no way I could handle him watching me rub this one out or at least try to.

  The water stings my skin as I sink down into the tub. My favorite sweet scent of bubble bath assaults my senses as I melt back into the tub. I sip down another glass of wine, relaxing even more with Norah Jones singing in the background. I was smart enough to keep the bottle in reaching distance for refills.

  My fingers can barely wrap around the girth of the vibrator. How in the hell is it supposed to fit inside me? I giggle to myself when I realize I’m holding the damn thing like a microphone near the tip of it.

  “Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the virgin diaries starring Olivia Olander who’s currently O-less and in desperate search for The Big O.”

  I belly laugh like a crazed idiot after my entertaining stance. I down one more glass of wine and then dial up Scout for one last burst of encouragement.

  “Scout,” I purr into the phone.

  “Sup, ho-bag?”

  “Just floating in the tub, slamming wine, and about to get it on with Tony the Tiger.”

  She squeals a tone deafening pitch into the phone before creating any coherent speech. “I’m so proud of you, O. Just make sure to get used to the vibrating speeds before full insertion and once in, set the twirl mode to level three and you’ll be flying high.”

  I feel like I should be taking notes instead of nodding and sipping my adult grape juice. The influences of the wine have me fully accepting her advice instead of flushing with embarrassment and running away.

  “I think I got this, Scout.”

  “Get it, girl.” She laughs into the phone. “How much wine have you pounded?”

  “Like only half a bottle, but it’s one of those jumbo ones.”

  “You do realize that’s like three bottles in one, right?”

  “Is that bad?” I belch before getting out the last word.

  “Don’t drink anymore and just get down and dirty.”

  A beep sounds on my phone. I pull it away to look at the screen. “Gotta go, Scout, Hot Cop is calling me.”

  “O don’t you dare take it.”

  “Bye.” I click over to the next call, giddy as a little kid in a candy shop.

  “Hello.” I try to purr in my sexiest of sexy voices.

  “Hey Olivia.” His rich voice sends shivers down my spine and I swear they land right between my legs. I tingle.

  “Everything okay? I swear there were cop carzz everywhere.”

  Shit, did I just slur one of my words into the phone? I sit up a bit taller in the water and try to pay attention. The cool air perks my nipples right up.

  “All is good, Olivia. There were two different things going down, that’s why there were so many cars everywhere.” He pauses and I hear the cracking slam of a few doors shutting.

  “What are you doing?” I ask out of curiosity.

  “Just got home and ready to crash, but felt bad the way I left you today.”

  “I get it. It’s your job. No worries. I’m not a needy person, Oren.”

  “Just trying to be a gentleman to my new non-dating friend.” His voice muffles for a second and then becomes clearer.

  “What are you doing now?” I ask.

  “Just took my shirt off, getting ready to kick my boots off, and drink a brewski before hitting the hay.”

  “So you’re topless?” My nipples stiffen instantly picturing Oren shirtless.

  “Yeah.” He chuckles. “You interested?”

  “Possibly.”

  Oh those tingles intensify to a mind numbing state. I can do this. I can really do this with Oren’s voice fueling my desire.

  “Picture?”

  “Duh,” I promptly reply.

  “Give me a second. Oh, and Olivia, we still on for Friday?”

  “Fucking A we are.” I slap my hand over my mouth when the bold words fly out. Note to self: less wine.

  His deep chuckle vibrates through the phone. “The answer I wanted.”

  “Before we say goodbye, give me a second.”

  “Okay, I need to whiz real quick.”

  Holy shit, he’s about to be holding his big gigantor wiener in his hand. Baby Jesus, don’t let him be packing light.

  “Alrighty then, I’ll be right back.”

  I set down my cell phone on the edge of the tub and stare down Tony. And then sing “Let’s get it on” to him. It’s the biggest move of my life and I’m about to become a full-fledged woman and if things do ever go further with Oren, I’ll be ready.

  His deep voice snaps me out of my hypnotic stare with Tony.

  “I’m here,” I holler. I down the remaining wine in my glass grab my phone and then Tony with the other hand. “Thanks for the call tonight, Officer Hot Cop.”

  I plunge Tony down into the water, fumbling for the buttons. His edges are a bit more rigid then I remember as I try to softly rub him up and down my clit. It’s the first step to strum my clit-tar.

  “Oren, you there?”

  It’s silent on his end; boy, he must have a huge bladder or maybe tired out from holding up his monster cock.

  “Oren?” I try again while still strumming away and by the way, it’s an awful feeling. Very abrasive indeed.

  My phone begins to vibrate in my hand and then furiously twirls while vibrating. I pull my phone from my ear and come face to face with fucking Tony the Tiger. I was talking to a damn vibrator with the tip of the cock to my ear.

  “Oh fuck,” I squeal, pulling my phone from between my legs, soaked in my favorite scent of bubble bath and dripping water.

  8

  Load That Bus, Kids

  “Never again will I listen
to you, Scout.” I thump her in the chest with each word. “I could’ve died.”

  Scout doesn’t seem affected by my pissed off mood or the fact of me dying by electrocuting my vagina.

  “I told you not to answer the call, but no, love stricken O just couldn’t listen.”

  “I’m not in love, asshole.” I flop down in one of her student’s chairs, kicking my legs up on a desk.

  “Then what is it?”

  I ignore her question. “God, can you imagine the headline? Ontario first grade teacher found dead in her tub with vibrator to her ear and pubes fried from her cellphone.”

  “Not gonna lie, it would’ve been epic shit,” Scout replies, not missing a beat as she writes vocabulary words on her board.

  “I hope I don’t see him today.”

  “I’m sure he volunteered to lead the field trip just to see you.”

  “Whatever.” I trace the cock and balls carved into one of the student’s desks.

  “He does.” Scout pauses writing and swirls around to face me. “I know he does because I talked to him.”

  “You what?” My finger stops on the tip of the poorly drawn dick.

  “He called and asked for you number.” She holds up a hand. “And before you freak, he got my number from when you texted me.”

  “What did he ask you?”

  “Well, for your number, and he hinted around about asking you out and oh yeah, your bra size.”

  “You’re a dick, Scout.”

  “I’m only teasing about the bra size part, but seriously O, he’s into you.”

  “I doubt that. He’s just a nice guy.”

  The bell rings to kick off the morning, I stand from the chair, and stare down at my hot pink tennis shoes. I love field trips, hence the casual wear. Before I open the door to Scout’s room, I holler over my shoulder, “You have quite the artist in your room. The desk I was sitting in has a nice picture of cock and balls engraved into it.”

  “Those little bastards,” she mutters before I shut the door behind me.

  Scout’s room is in an outside modular since the fifth grade is the oldest grade in the school and our building has simply just run out of space. I envy her in having her own little island. She can open and close the windows in her room and always gets a shot of fresh air when she walks into the main building. I think I’ve officially diagnosed myself with spring freaking fever. I need May thirtieth to get here real soon.