Pedal to the Metal (James Brothers Series Book 1)

by Stephanie Nichole

  “Farrah started reaching out to me again a few months after she left and as soon as I got my license and a car I went to see her. However, seeing her didn’t prepare me for how envious I would be of her. Being around her, I saw how happy and full of life she was. How free, I wanted that freedom so bad. It was at that point that my parents started to make it clear that dance was just hobby and not something to consider as a profession. That’s when I started to get really upset and resentful. Vivienne though would always try to make my days better. She was the only one in that house that asked how my day was and she and Farrah made it a point to be at every single dance performance I had. Hell, Vivienne even showed up at most of my practices. She encouraged me to be my own person. She pushed me to leave Ryce and the expectations, but I was always afraid of the backlash. I had seen how my parents had treated Farrah after she left, and I was scared of that.”

  I take a deep breath before continuing “Vivienne had never been a fan of Ryce and the fact that we had started to think he was cheating only made her dislike for him grow. I began to pull away from him and the world I had been raised in. I started to spend more time with Farrah and her friends and at Vivienne’s after she left work at my parents. On the weekends I’d go to the races with Farrah and sleep on her couch. Then Vivienne was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. I knew she wouldn’t make it but she fought hard. I started to try and get back into my old life because I was afraid of being left alone. Which is actually funny considering that most of the time my parents are absent anyways. At the end of May Vivienne lost her fight which sent me running from the hospital with Farrah standing in the hallway begging me stay. I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t handle any of it, so I ran and went to the one person I hoped would be there for me. When I got to Alivia’s house her parents told me she was out, so I went to the next person I thought of at that moment. I remember pulling up to his house and there was a party going on. I remember searching for him until I found him in his bedroom with a topless girl straddling his lap. All my suspicions had just been confirmed and I felt like the last little bit of air in my lungs left my body.”

  I let out a harsh laugh. “The worst part was the girl was Alivia. She was supposed to be one of my best friends but there she was hooking up with my boyfriend when I needed someone. To this day neither of them knows that I was there, I had just turned around and quietly left. I drove home in a haze, my phone kept ringing, but I kept ignoring it. When I got home I went straight to my dad’s liquor cabinet and grabbed the first full bottle I found. Then I went upstairs and stood in my bathroom. When I was looking at my reflection it was like I didn’t even know who I was. I was just some stranger standing there. There was so much pain in my heart and I just wanted to be numb, so I pulled an old prescription I had from when I had surgery on my ankle. I climbed into a scolding hot tub of water and took a couple pain killers then drank some of the bottle.”

  Looking at Jagger I see his jaw is super tense and his eyes are searching mine. “I don’t remember much else other than waking up in the hospital with Farrah sitting in the chair beside my bed crying. Apparently, I had passed out from the mixture of pills and alcohol and slipped beneath the water. Luckily when she found me I hadn’t been under long and they were able to save me but if she hadn’t come looking for me I’d be dead right now. My parents never came to visit me or even call to check on me. Farrah asked me to see a therapist, but I felt I needed more. So, I decided to check into Spirit, that’s where I met Sadie. If it hadn’t been for her, Farrah and Creed I don’t know if I would have survived those three months. I still see a therapist twice a week just to make sure I’m okay. Dr. Thorton diagnosed me with anxiety and depression which he thinks started from all the pressure my parents put on me to be perfect,” I sigh as I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

  Jagger is quiet, but he clears his throat “And now you’re trying to figure out what you want?”

  “Basically," I say with a shrug. “So, there that’s my big dirty secret.”

  As I stare at Jagger I see some unknown emotion in his eyes. I’m not sure what it is but whatever it is I think it’ll be what ends this thing between us. A part of me wants to cry over that but then again, I knew I was taking a chance telling him about all of this. At least he’s not looking at me like I’m crazy but he’s not looking at me like he wants me anymore either. He rises slowly and walks towards me. I notice his hands never leave his pockets.

  “That’s not something bad Londynn. Life can do that to you, it kicks you and tosses you around and sometimes beats the hell out of you. You kept fighting and there’s nothing dirty about that. Anyone who makes you feel that way is not the type of person you need in your life," he sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “You should get home, Farrah has been worried sick.” With that being said he turns to leave, once his car is out of sight I let my tears fall freely.

  Chapter 14

  Jagger

  As I sat there listening to Londynn’s confession I felt those walls around my heart start to go back up. Londynn needed someone that was for sure, but I couldn’t be that someone. I never would be. I wasn’t the kind of guy who could be there the way she needed and even if I could be that guy, would I want to be? Londynn had just proved herself to be too risky. She had almost indirectly killed herself. Was she expecting him to just be okay with that? I had already been in love with a girl and lost here. Hell, I was still suffering from the grief and guilt from Harlyn and Harper. There was no way I could even try to let my guard down with her now.

  As I drive down the highway with no real destination my mind goes back to all the times I’ve spent with Londynn. I had been so certain that she was just the spoiled rich girl but instead she was lonely and looking for freedom. She had been raised to be perfect all of her life. What I had believed to be true about her wasn’t even close.

  Before I know it I’m on the highway heading towards Vegas. I’m running…again but maybe that’s what I’m meant to do. Maybe, I’m meant to always run from pain. Everyone knows I’m damn good at it. I consider turning back around and going home but instead I push the gas pedal down farther and feel my car’s speed climb with it.

  I see the city lights of Vegas before I realize it and they instantly make me think of Londynn. After spending hours on the road, I feel like a total ass for just leaving her like this. I hadn’t even thanked her for opening up to me. No, instead I got in the car and drove away. What the hell had I been thinking? I roll the windows down as I pull into Vegas. I guess I think the fresh air will make me feel better, but it doesn’t. As I drive the crowded streets that had been home up until two months ago I can’t help but wonder if Londynn is okay.

  I pull into the parking lot of the club I use to work at as a bouncer. As I climb out I stretch my stiff muscles before I head for the door. As I walk up I see the guy who was the closest thing I had to a friend here, Brian. “Well I be, Jagger James! Didn’t think I’d see the likes of you around here again!” He hollered as he pulled me in for a hug. “What brings you back to Vegas?”

  I shrug “You know I just missed you too much to stay away.”

  Brian throws his head back laughing, a deep rumbling that comes from his chest. “I wouldn’t believe that no more than I believe pigs fly but I’ll take it.” He removes the rope and lets me inside. “Oh, there was a pretty little thing I let in there about ten minutes ago you should go charm her with that smile of yours.”

  I just roll my eyes at him as I make my way through the crowded area to the bar. I order a beer and sit there as I take in the scene around me. When I had first got to Vegas I thought this was some sort of heaven, but I learned pretty quickly this place is more like hell. It’s full of fakes and snakes, everyone is out for themselves. If you can help them in some way they don’t mind you but otherwise, you’ll get bit.

  I’m staring at the beer in my hand thinking about Londynn again when Hannah walks up and throws an arm over my shoulders. I didn’t even have
to look to know it was her, she always smelled too sweet, like cotton candy but she was the one girl I had spent time with here. Mostly because she wasn’t into commitment, with Hannah there was no strings attached. She definitely wasn’t fake, and I had always been careful not get bitten because I was pretty sure she was a snake. “Well, well what do we have here?” She said smiling sweetly at me. “I must admit I’ve missed you JJ.”

  Hannah had always insisted on calling me JJ, I never knew why I guess it satisfied her, so I let her. Her fake black hair has chunks of hot pink, her barely-there dress is hot pink faux leather and she has a pair of 6-inch heels that are nothing but glitter. As she saunters around to me I notice the dress barely covers any part of her. She bats her over the top fake lashes at me “Oh come on JJ you know you missed me too.”

  “Haven’t had a whole lot of time for that Hannah," I tell while taking a drink.

  She moves in closer to me and all I can smell is that sickening sweet smell, nothing like the fresh daisy smell that comes off Londynn. Ugh! Why can’t I get that damn girl out of my head? Before I think I grab Hannah’s neck and pull her into me. Maybe if I kiss Hannah long enough I’ll forget about those deep hazel eyes and the head full of honey hair. That hair that’s always so soft you can run your fingers through it, nothing like this head full of hair product. If I could just forget how she tasted like coconut and the way she molded into my body, but I can’t. Maybe if I just keep running I’ll forget.

  ****

  I wake to the sunlight streaming through hot pink sheer curtains. My head feels like it’s been run over by a semi, my nostrils burn with the smell of cotton candy and stale cigarette smoke, my back is burning. I manage to sit up and realize I’m in Hannah’s room. Everything is hot pink and zebra. I growl in frustration at myself. What did I do? I’m such an idiot. I manage to make it to the bathroom and see I look about like I feel. I splash cold water on my face then examine my back in the mirror. I look like a stray cat got a hold of me. As I walk back to the bedroom I pick up pieces of my clothing. Sitting on the bed with my head in my hands I try to figure out what is wrong with me. Why do I always do this?

  “So, who’s Londynn?” Hannah asks standing in the bedroom doorway.

  I look up at here “What?”

  She laughs “You called me Londynn last night, so I was curious who she was.” She walks over and hands me a cup of coffee. “You know I’ve been called a lot of different names but never by you.”

  I take a sip of coffee before answering “She’s this girl back in L.A. I ran because I found out some stuff.”

  She laughs again before sitting next to me. “You always run JJ, but did you ever think maybe it’s time to stop. What you found out about her, was it so bad you had to run?”

  “No, I guess not. I just don’t want to go through it again.”

  She raises her eyebrows at me “Go through what?”

  I shake my head and run a hand through my hair “Losing someone again. You know everyone talks about how great love is, but it really sucks.”

  “Oh, please you know that’s not true. Love is great. Nothing is better than that, but you can’t find it again if you keep running. You know when the last time I saw you this messed up was?” she asks but I just shrug. “The night we first met and few months after that but then I stumbled across that picture of the pretty brunette and you blew up at me, Remember?”

  “Yeah I remember," I say staring at the floor.

  “You were so mad! You didn’t talk to me for weeks but when you finally did you apologized and told me what happened. Then you told me you’d never let anyone in again and I believed you. That’s why I know right now that this Londynn girl is different.”

  “Oh really? How do you know that?” I ask sarcastically.

  “Because she’s already gotten in. You wouldn’t have ran if she hadn’t. You wouldn’t have tried to drink her away if she wasn’t. Hell, you wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t and somewhere in that head of yours, you know that," she says then gets up from the bed.

  Before she leaves though she looks back at me when I ask her “And what about you Hannah? You’re fine with all your relationships being like this?” I motion towards the bed.

  She shrugs “We all have our demons and secrets. Mine make me okay with my relationships just being about sex,” she says pointing at the bed. “Go home Jagger.”

  The one-time Hannah uses my real name and it’s to tell me to go home, but can I?

  ****

  It’s been a month since I’ve been back in Vegas. I haven’t seen Hannah again but I’m staying in my old apartment again with my old roommate, Brian but no matter what I do I can’t get Londynn off my mind for too long. It doesn’t matter what I drink or how much. It doesn’t matter who I try to use as a distraction, she’s always just right there in the back of my mind. My phone starts ringing again, and I roll over to see Axell’s name on the screen. I haven’t actually spoken to any of my brothers. I’ve texted to let them know I’m okay and when they’ve asked if I’m coming back I’ve just laid the phone down. Truth be told I don’t have an answer for them. I don’t know if I’m ever going back to L.A.

  The phone finally stopped ringing only to start back up again. Clearly, he’s not going to give up today like he’s been for the past week. I chunk the phone against the wall because if I answer I know that Axell will talk me into my car and down the highway. When I think of the highway Londynn is always the first image that comes to mind. Her and that kiss we shared in the body shop. How could I have been so stupid as to think that we had a chance? As if we didn’t already have more than enough going against us, her secret had to be the one thing that would send me running.

  My phone starts back up again and I grunt and leave my bedroom. The light in the kitchen instantly gives me a headache. I’ve been living with a perpetual hangover since getting back here. I should know better, but I keep thinking that at some point that some drink will remove the image of her from my brain. The way her legs looked while she walked towards me. The way she moved when she danced. The way she tasted like coconut when I kissed her. The way she always smells like daisies. The way she fit perfectly against me when she was in my arms. The way her hair would always fall over her left shoulder.

  Ugh! What the hell has happened to me? I’m not this guy that obsesses over one girl. I haven’t been this guy since Harlyn and I can’t go back to being that guy. Especially not with one who almost just died! What if she got to feeling like that again but this time no one got to her in time? What did she expect me to do if I let her in and then lost her? I was certain that if I loved and lost again I’d go crazy. Whoever said that quote “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” had clearly never suffered the loss of love because if you have you know that quote is total bullshit.

  I head back into my room and hear my phone ringing still, marching over to it I yank it from the floor but instead of Axell’s name I see Sadie’s. Using Sadie was not fair, I slid my finger across the screen. Before I can even say hello, Sadie’s voice comes over the phone “I don’t what your issue is right now but if you ever cared about Londynn you need to get back here now.”

  My phone goes dead and before I know I’m moving through my room grabbing the closest clean clothes and my keys as I head out the door for my car. Once I’m inside though I hesitate. If I go back, then I’m making a final decision. I’m telling all of them that I care about her and her wellbeing. I’m letting her past these walls I’ve worked so hard to build, can I do that?

  I guess my answer is yes. I don’t know how, why or when but I’ve started my car, put it in drive and I’m already on the road before I think about my answer. In a few hours I’ll be back in L.A. and next to Londynn…I hope.

  Chapter 15

  Londynn

  The first few days that Jagger was missing I had held onto hope that he’d return but after the fourth day I knew he wasn’t, little did I know at the time that it’d be a m
onth before I saw him again. Farrah had come home and brought me something she had printed online. ABA, American Ballet Association was holding open auditions in New York the following week. Of course, she thought I should go but I just wasn’t sure what I should do. Two days later I was running around trying to pack and make all the necessary arrangements that I’d need for New York.

  I had to go to my parents’ because most of my dance stuff was there but as I pulled up I was a little shocked to see my mom’s BMW sitting in the driveway. I braced myself for a conversation with her. By the time I made it out of the house I felt even better about going to New York, I just knew it would turn out great. This was my chance at my dream, my chance at freedom. Dr. Thorton and Sadie also thought it was a great idea. By the time Farrah dropped me off at the airport on Saturday I could barely contain my excitement.