Swallow Me Whole: A Friends To Lovers Romance

by Gemma James

  Slowly, I let them dangle at my sides, hating how naked I feel standing in front of him, vulnerable and exposed to the core, despite my T-shirt covering my panties.

  “Do you have a problem with me being in charge?”

  “I…” My gaze lowers to his feet. “I don’t know. All of this is happening so fast.”

  I’m dreaming. None of this makes sense. How did Ashton and I end up in my bedroom like this? In this situation?

  “Do you trust me, Sawyer?”

  He’s the only one who’s ever called me that.

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then I don’t see a problem. We’ll go over some ground rules so we’re both comfortable with this. But in the meantime, I want you to shower and get some food in your stomach.” His lips curve into a grin, and that suggestive smile of his warms me all the way to my toes. “Do you have plans tonight?”

  “No.”

  “You do now. Come by my place at seven.”

  Chapter Five

  Sadie

  By the time I shower and dress, it’s past noon, and my headache has settled into a dull annoyance. Normally, wasting the morning away would bother me more, but after last night and this morning’s visit from Ashton, I can’t bring myself to care. Maybe I’m off kilter from everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours, not to mention the hangover, so when an unexpected knock sounds on my door, I’m not taken aback.

  Maybe part of me even realizes who it is before I pull the door open.

  He’s standing there holding my picnic basket, face a picture of regret. “I found this last night outside my office.”

  “Uh-huh.” Raising a brow, I cross my arms over my chest.

  He narrows his eyes, forehead wrinkling. “Did you leave it?”

  “Yep.”

  Raking a hand through his blond hair, he lets out a sigh. “Can I come in, Sadie?”

  “Nope.”

  “Are you only talking to me in one-word sentences now?”

  “I don’t know. I guess that depends on how long you’ve been fucking your assistant behind my back.”

  His shoulders sag, deflating in defeat. “I’m sorry you had to see that. It didn’t mean anything.”

  I grit my teeth to keep from yelling at the bastard. Maybe I expected an ounce of remorse, but all I’m getting is regret that he got caught.

  “Can I come in and explain?”

  “At least be honest,” I say, glaring at him. “Call your ‘explanation’ for what it is—a pathetic excuse.”

  “Okay! You’re absolutely right. I have no explanation for what happened, other than to say I gave in to a moment of weakness.”

  “Sounded like a lot more than just one moment. I believe the words you said were ‘you take it like a whore every time.’” I arch a challenging brow at him. Those words are ingrained in my memory, and I just dare him to deny it.

  “I’m sorry, Sadie. I tried being patient with you, but I’m only human. Will you forgive me?”

  “I might be able to forgive you someday, Jake, but no way in hell will I forget it.”

  “Don’t end things like this,” he pleads. “You’re too important to me.”

  I’m too important…meaning my father is the boss, and he doesn’t want things to get awkward at the office since I work there too.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he adds, a note of desperation entering his tone.

  “You didn’t.” I gesture to the parking lot where his black luxury sedan awaits. “So you can go back to your assistant with a clear conscience.”

  “C’mon, Sadie. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

  “Don’t insult my intelligence.”

  At that moment, my neighbor exits her apartment. She glances at the two of us for a few seconds before offering a small wave. As she makes her way down the stairs, I don’t blame her for getting the hell out of Dodge. The tension between Jake and me is palpable.

  “Do you really want to do this out here?” he asks, giving the area a surreptitious glance.

  “I don’t want to do this at all.”

  “Your father is my boss. Please, Sadie. Give me another chance.”

  How ironic that Jake is the first guy my father approved of. Like me, my dad was blind to Jake’s true nature, only seeing the front Jake perfected. The mature, intelligent guy with his shit together. Clean cut, no tattoos, well-dressed. Well-mannered. He shaves every day, doesn’t miss a day of work, and opens doors for women. He drives a nice car, owns his own home, and would make the ideal husband.

  That’s all Dad sees.

  And once I started dating Jake, all I saw was how my father began looking at me with warm pride in his eyes again. It had been a while since I’d felt good enough in his presence, since I’d felt worthy of his approval. I might not be on my way to becoming a lawyer, but at least I’d snagged one.

  Jesus, I feel stupid. I swallow bitter laughter at what a joke this relationship turned out to be. I’ve had some shitty boyfriends in the past, but none of them treated me with such blatant disrespect—they just dumped me and moved on to someone willing to spread her legs.

  They didn’t do it behind my back.

  I wonder what my father would think of that. I already know I won’t tell him. The last thing I want is to stir up chaos at the firm. Doing so will only accomplish a shitty work environment.

  “Let’s just call this a mistake and move on.”

  Jake shakes his head, his jaw forming a stubborn line. “We have to work this out.”

  “If you’re worried about your precious job, don’t be. I won’t tell my father what a douchebag you are.”

  He winces at my harsh words. “I know I screwed up, but I care about you. As far as I’m concerned, this isn’t over.”

  “As far as I’m concerned, it is.” Without giving him time to argue further, I slam the door and turn the lock. Of course, he doesn’t go away that easily. For the next fifteen minutes, he pounds on the door, pleading his case through the barricade keeping him outside.

  Tiring of his bullshit, I threaten to call the cops, prompting him to at least leave my doorstep. It isn’t long after when my phone starts ringing, again and again as his too-handsome face flashes on the screen with that smug smile I used to find sexy. Growling under my breath, I switch it to silent.

  I don’t have the nerves for this today, considering my…date tonight with Ashton. Thinking of it as a date doesn’t set right with me, but calling it a casual get together with a friend isn’t going to cut it, either. My stomach ties itself into knots as the day passes, bringing me closer to seven. I don’t think my apartment has ever been so clean. I’m sure Mandy will appreciate my lack of concentration.

  I can’t eat. All I can do is think about tonight…and Ashton touching me. The thought of putting my mouth on him again makes my panties wet. It sends my heart into overdrive.

  Jesus. My palms are sweating something fierce. But I don’t want to analyze the reasons why too closely. If I do, I might find something I don’t want to face.

  Ashton is only a friend. Nothing more, and that’s the way it has to be.

  So why am I doing this?

  A vision of Blondie on her knees flashes through my mind, and that thought alone is what gets me out of my apartment and on my way to Ashton’s. Maybe I have no self-respect, but I want to be like her—sexy and confident enough to take charge.

  I don’t want to spend my life as a spinster because I can’t get past my hang-ups. If Ashton can help me, then I have to take the risk. There has to be some reason I crawled under that table last night. On some subconscious level, I want him to lead me down this road.

  By the time I’m standing on his doorstep, I’m shaking in my boots. Maybe not literally, but it sure feels like it. A curious vibration buzzes through my body, originating between my legs. I’ve been turned on before, but nothing and no one has ever gotten me so worked up as he managed to, which is insane. It’s like our history turned to dust, and the ill
usion of friendship was snuffed out in the process.

  Not knowing what awaits me on the other side of that door makes me feel more alive, more turned on, than I ever have in my entire life, and instinctively, I know I made the right decision in coming here. Letting out a shaky breath, I raise my hand and knock.

  And I realize as I do how ridiculous this is. I never knock on Ashton’s door—I always walk in. He and Mandy are my family, and we’ve had an open door policy for years. How can the idea of intimacy change everything in the blink of an eye?

  The door swings open, and the first thing I notice is the frown on his face. “Why are you knocking? You know you’re always welcome here.” He opens the door wider and ushers me inside before taking my coat. I swallow a sigh as his fingers trail over my shoulders.

  “I’m just nervous, I guess.”

  “No reason to be,” he says, his tone softening as he hangs up my jacket in the closet by the door. “Bryce is gone for the night,” he adds, referring to his roommate, “so we have the place to ourselves.”

  As I follow him through the two bedroom house into the dining area, he glances at me from over his shoulder. “I made dinner. I figured we should eat first.”

  “Yeah. Okay.” The table is already set, and the smell of food has my stomach rumbling with the reminder that I haven’t eaten much today. He pulls a chair out for me.

  “About Mandy,” he says as I slide into the offered seat. “I think the less she knows about this, the better.”

  That’s one thing we can agree on. Mandy wouldn’t understand, and I doubt she’d approve of my arrangement with her brother. Mandy and I don’t have secrets…except now we do.

  Ashton disappears into the kitchen, leaving behind heavy silence. I’m not sure what I’m doing here, yet I can’t bring myself to move from this chair and bolt. He returns a few moments later, carrying a serving dish in each hand.

  Leaning forward, I take a peek after he sets the food on the table, and I can’t help but shoot him a grin. “Mac and cheese, and broccoli? Some things never change,” I tease.

  “Mandy stole the cooking gene,” he says with a sheepish smile. “I can teach you to suck cock like a pro, but this is all I’ve got in the cooking department.”

  I burst out laughing. In some strange way, his bold statement sets me at ease. This is the same old Ashton I’ve known most of my life. Sweet, endearing…even if he is a manwhore. He’s never failed in the friend department.

  We fill our plates with food, stealing glances at each other every few seconds. “Why haven’t you settled down with a girl yet?”

  He pauses, fork halfway to his mouth, and the intensity of his stare steals a beat of my heart. “None of them were the one.”

  “So ‘the one’ is something you believe in?”

  “Yes.” He says it matter-of-factly, without hesitation, before shoveling in a bite of mac and cheese.

  Several seconds pass, rife with things left unspoken. “Hmm, that’s…interesting.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “I figured you were gun-shy of commitment.”

  “No, Sadie. Commitment isn’t my issue.”

  “So what’s the issue then?” It’s a bold question, and if I didn’t want to know the answer so badly, I wouldn’t have dared ask.

  “My dad cheated on my mom for years before he finally left. I won’t make the same mistake. I want to be certain I’m in it for the long haul before I throw around promises.”

  “So no serious relationships until you’re sure it’s going somewhere?”

  “Exactly.”

  “And you haven’t found that yet.” It’s more a statement than a question.

  He shakes his head then points at my plate with his fork. “Eat up.”

  Eat up…so we can get on with the rest of the evening. Nerves barrel through me with a vengeance, and each bite is a tasteless swallow as I force it down my throat. I help him clean up the mess from dinner before he takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom. Stepping into the place where he sleeps—where he screws an abhorrent amount of women—has a stripping effect on me. We aren’t friends in this space anymore.

  We’re not talking and laughing over mac and cheese at the dinner table. In this room, everything changes. We cross over into stupid territory, become insane people playing with each other’s lives…each other’s hearts. More importantly, we’re risking a friendship we’ve built since grade school.

  “What are we doing, Ash?” I hug myself, suddenly feeling way too self-conscious in front of him. Another new development. Since when do I feel awkward around him? He’s the other half of the two people I trust most in the world.

  Since you got on your knees and sucked his cock.

  “We’ll do whatever you want, Sawyer.” Reaching out, he twirls a lock of my hair around his finger. “Or we don’t have to do anything at all. It’s up to you.”

  “I thought you said you were calling the shots?”

  “Oh, believe me, I will. But not until you’re ready.”

  “That’s kind of my problem. I should be far past ready.”

  “You either are, or you aren’t. There’s no shame in that.” He lowers his hand, and my hair slips through his fingers. But he doesn’t move away. The heat of his body blasts me from where he stands.

  Much too close.

  Not close enough.

  I distract myself by taking in his bedroom. Of course, I’ve seen it before, but never under these circumstances. His bed is huge and takes up most of the space. The slatted headboard is a nice accent against the wall. A black and gray comforter covers the mattress, and I can’t help but wonder how soft it is. The color suits him.

  He’s obviously not a slob. The floor is clean, his bookshelves are neatly organized, and every drawer in his dark oak dresser is closed, no sign of overstuffed clothing spilling out. I wonder how many women have been in here.

  The number is probably something I want to remain in the dark about.

  My gaze lands on him again, and I catch him watching me, ensnaring me in the eye of his arctic stare. My fingers twitch, aching to push his hair out of his eyes. It’s been a while since he’s had a haircut.

  “This is weird,” I say, wringing my hands.

  “It doesn’t have to be. This is new territory for us, but we have an advantage here.”

  “What’s that?” I fold my arms across my chest again. I’ve never felt so naked in front of someone, despite being fully clothed. I can’t comprehend how I’ll feel if…when I take my clothes off for him.

  “We have a strong friendship. We know where we stand going into this, so just try to relax and follow my lead.” He steps closer and slowly pries my protective arms from across my chest. “Let me show you how amazing sex can be.”

  “No. No sex.”

  He tilts his head. “Mind telling me why?”

  Hell no, I don’t want to tell him why. Not only am I a virgin, but I know if we get too intimate, I’ll lose myself to him—and that would be a travesty because with Ash…there’s no hope for a future.

  Only friendship.

  Because of that some lines can’t be crossed.

  “I’m a virgin, Ash.”

  His eyes widen. “Seriously? You’ve never…?”

  I shake my head. “Came close a couple of times, but…” I want to say I wasn’t ready, but truth be told, it was never the right guy. Maybe I won’t be ready to take that step until I do find the right guy.

  “Okay,” he says softly. “I’m glad you told me.”

  “Yeah.” I pull my lower lip between my teeth, considering for a moment. “So no sex, and…no kissing.”

  He raises a brow. “You wanted me to kiss you last night.”

  “This is different. If we’re going to do this, I don’t want to muddy up our friendship with anything too…”

  Intimate.

  Understanding dawns on his face, and he seems a little awestruck for a moment, as if my confession told him too much. And maybe it did,
but it’s the truth. I can’t let things go beyond a certain point with him, and sex and kissing…

  Unwittingly, my gaze lowers to his mouth. God, those lips.

  “So everything else is fair game?”

  “Within reason.”

  He grins, though I’m sure it’s more smirk than smile. “That sounds like a free license to me.”

  “A free license for what?”

  “We’re wasting time, sweetheart.” Settling his hands on my hips, he slowly backs me toward the bed.

  Chapter Six

  Ashton

  I’ve never been so eager to get a girl undressed. “I want you on my bed,” I say, inching her toward the end of my mattress with every step. “On my bed and naked.”

  “Are you serious?” She gapes at me for several long seconds.

  “Yes.” I bite back a grin. “Very serious about wanting you very naked. You’ve got sixty seconds.”

  “Or what?”

  “Or I’ll pull your pants down and spank your ass.”

  Damn, the thought is already giving me wood. The vision of her bent over the end of my mattress, fiery hair trailing down her pale back as I redden her cheeks, is too tempting. Before this night is through, I’ll have her laid out on my bed, ass in the air, those fleshy cheeks begging for my hand.

  Or maybe I’ll pull her over my lap instead.

  “Spank me? What am I? Four-years-old?”

  “No, thank God, because that’s a little young for me.”

  “Jesus, Ashton. Do you spank all your women?”

  “Only the ones that deserve it.” Fuck, they all do. Every single time. “That’s the way I work, Sadie. Pleasure and punishment. I’ll take you places you’ve never been. I’ll teach you how to suck a guy’s cock until he’s trembling and about to fall to his knees, but we’re doing this my way.” I nod to her clothing. “As soon as you strip.”

  My tone is all false bravado. I’m afraid she’ll bring me to my knees by the time all is said and done.

  “Okay.” A breath whooshes from between her parted lips as she kicks her boots off. She brings her fingers to the button of her jeans, and I’m entranced as she lowers her zipper. Keeping her eyes on me, she shoves her pants down her legs. But when it comes to the next step, she hesitates, gnawing on that lower lip again.