The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool
Page 6
Cognitive Enhancers
While some drugs negatively impact our ability to think, others are “nootropics,” cognitive enhancers that sharpen attention and focus. The stimulants nicotine and caffeine are well-known legal nootropics. They promote wakefulness, increase focus, and improve coordination via complex chemical interactions with the nervous system. Caffeine and nicotine do have some negative effects such as increased blood pressure and toxicity in high doses. But in reasonable amounts they contribute to good decision making.
* * *
“Ninety percent of Americans use caffeine daily, and another twenty-five percent smoke cigarettes, making caffeine and nicotine the two most widely used drugs.”
* * *
One might argue that drug users are primed to make bad decisions, as they already think that intoxication is a good idea. However, there are valid social reasons to use legal intoxicants. There’s nothing like relaxing with a cold beer after a long day! But even legal drugs have negative side effects. And while people don’t need a lot of extra push to do something stupid, why tempt fate? Next time that jump into shallow water appears reasonable, stop and assess your state of inebriation. The life you save may be your own!
The effect of crack metabolites on heart rate: jpet.aspetjournals.org/cgi/content/full/307/3/1179
Current research on LSD: www.maps.org/research/cluster/psilo-lsd/
Shelley Batts is an end-stage neuroscience Ph.D. student at the University of Michigan, a freelance science writer, and a regular contributor to ScienceBlogs. Her work is related to the genetics and cell signaling events occurring in deafness. She enjoys classic Mustangs and teaching parrots to talk.
CHAPTER 3
VEHICLE VICTIMS
We begin with two traffic pranks that turn out badly for the pranksters, and continue on with cautionary tales about motorcycles, trucks, cars, vans, snowmobiles, trains, and a shopping cart. These stories show that humans still have much to learn when it comes to coping with the dangers of modern transportation!
Darwin Award: Sudden Stop
Unconfirmed
WISCONSIN
A patrol officer was invited to speak to a driver’s education class about safety. Like all such officers he came armed with several cautionary tales, and the irony of this one will stay with you.
In a town down the road, seven college kids decided to raise a little ruckus after a party. They all piled into a pickup—one in the cab and the rest in the back—and drove down deserted back roads, pulling stop signs out of the dirt. Their goal was to get as many stop signs as possible into the truck. Speeding back to the party, the pickup was struck by a delivery vehicle at—you guessed it—an intersection that had, until recently, sported a safety marker.
* * *
“Some kids decided to raise a little ruckus.”
* * *
The six in the back of the truck were killed, and the driver was badly injured. The patrol officer said he would never forget the sight of the dead students sprawled at the wreck, surrounded by twenty-seven stop signs.
Reference: Eyewitness account by Nic
Darwin Award: Merry Pranksters
Unconfirmed
No good prank goes unpunished.
The telephone company was replacing aboveground telephone lines with buried lines in a sparsely populated farming area. Where lines crossed a country road they would dig a trench halfway across, so rural traffic could continue through. After laying the lines, they would fill in the trench and dig a trench on the other side.
One morning local farmers called the sheriff to report a smashed-up pickup. Inside were two ranch hands last seen the previous night, heading home after final call. You see…
On their way to the bars the men had decided to play a prank. They stopped their pickup at a trench and moved the flashing warning signs to the good side of the country road. Crime-scene analysis later confirmed that they were the culprits who moved the flashing stands. Investigations also revealed that at the time of the accident they were driving at an excessive speed with an impressive amount of alcohol in their systems.
No crime-scene analysis is capable of determining whether the ranch hands forgot their prank, or chose to see what would happen if they hit that trench at a high rate of speed in the middle of the night.
Reference: Eyewitness account from the archives of an M.D. with thirty-one years in the ER
Darwin Award: Stop. Look. Listen.
Confirmed True by Darwin
12 SEPTEMBER 2007, FLORIDA
Rare Double Darwin.
A woman wins two concert tickets from a local radio station. She can’t believe her luck. The Dave Matthews Band, live! She invites her friend to join her, but they are in for more than a concert experience.
Flash forward to the next morning. The head of operations at the amphitheater looks like hell. Two women were killed the previous night at the concert. He is shocked. Nothing like this has ever happened at the amphitheater.
Flash back to the previous evening, 8:30 P.M. and pouring rain. The show is delayed. Two women leave the venue to escape the rain. They pass multiple free shuttle buses that run directly to the parking lot. Instead, they opt for a shortcut across a seven-lane interstate.
* * *
“Free shuttle bus, or mad dash across dangerous territory?”
* * *
They run a hundred yards through wet grass and jump a six-foot fence that borders the road. Ahead are three lanes of freeway traffic, a hundred-foot median, and another four lanes of traffic. Beyond that is another six-foot fence, the maze of an under-construction garage, and a long hike around a casino.
All in all the “shortcut” to their vehicle covers a distance of half a mile. And the women are in a torrential thunderstorm. Free shuttle bus, or mad dash across dangerous territory?
The head of operations was an eyewitness when the first vehicle struck the women at 8:30 P.M. Oddly, this was in the first lane of traffic, on a straightaway where one can see headlights for miles in either direction. The impact hurled the women farther into traffic, and each was struck by a second car. They did not survive the collisions.
Ironically, one of the women was an “energetic and gifted athlete” who had won two national championships in gymnastics. Physical prowess is no substitute for the homespun maxim:
Stop. Look. Listen. Or tomorrow you’ll be missing.
Reference: The St. Petersburg Times
and the eyewitness account of Jon Harsanje
Darwin Award: Clotheslined!
Confirmed True by Darwin
13 JANUARY 2008, FLORIDA
Wearing only swim trunks and sneakers, a thirty-seven-year-old man raced his motorcycle toward the Manasota Key drawbridge.
As the bridge began to open, it was clear that he intended to “shoot the gap.” Bridge designers had anticipated such lunacy and invented the crossing guard. The closing gates swept him off his Suzuki, over the side of the bridge, into the water, and out of the gene pool. By a twist of fate the motorcycle continued up the ramp and made it across to the other side.
* * *
“Wearing only swim trunks and sneakers, the man raced toward the gap.”
* * *
Darwin notes: My driving instructor was very clear: “Not accidents: crashes. Almost every crash can be prevented by avoiding distractions while driving.” He was a wise man.
Reference: Sarasota Herald-Tribune
Reader Comment:
“If Evel can do it, I can too!”
Darwin Award: Footloose in the Footwell
Confirmed True by Darwin
28 JULY 2006, AUSTRALIA
* * *
“…an accidental shot to the groin.”
* * *
Police wished to question Gareth, thirty-eight, in connection with a stabbing. He evaded that unpleasant business when he drove his car into a power pole. It was initially assumed that he had simply lost control of the vehicle, but Victoria police soon determin
ed that the fatal crash was caused by an accidental shot to the groin. Apparently the deceased had been driving along with a loaded firearm kept handy in the footwell of the car.
Reference: abc.net.au, TheAge.com.au
Darwin Award: Shopping Cart Crash
Confirmed True by Darwin
8 MARCH 2008, FLORIDA
Just because you see it online does not mean it’s a good idea. Cameron, eighteen, was joyriding in a shopping cart as he held on to a moving SUV. An eyewitness said, “It’s irresponsible behavior, but what do you expect from teenagers?” The car and the cart went over a speed bump and the cart overturned, ejecting its occupant, who was not wearing the cart’s little seat belt. Cameron was pronounced dead at the scene.
* * *
“It’s irresponsible, but what do you expect from teenagers?”
* * *
Reference: www.wftv.com
Reader Comment:
“Grocery Basket Follies”
Darwin Award: Organ Donors
Confirmed True by Darwin
3 FEBRUARY 2008, CALIFORNIA
Two dirt bikes, two drivers, two passengers. Zero helmets, zero headlights, and a new moon. Four friends were tearing around in pitch dark on private land, where helmets and lights are not required. Inevitably their bikes collided. The highway patrol said the two couples were killed between 1:30 and 3:30 A.M. in Modesto.
Emergency room workers have a name for people who ride dirt bikes without helmets. They’re called “future organ donors,” and that is the only career now possible for Thomas, thirty-three; Michael, thirty-three; Kelly, thirty; and Cynthia, twenty-nine.
Reference: SFgate.com, Associated Press
At Risk Survivor: Hook, Line, and Sinker
Unconfirmed
2000, DENMARK
Exhilarated by the freedom of his first driver’s license, a young man borrowed a car from his uncle, a car collector, and took his cousin out for a spin.
* * *
“They tested the ice by jumping up and down.”
* * *
Denmark winters are usually mild, but this particular year was so cold that the Baltic Sea surrounding the island of Als froze over. When the cousins drove down to the shore, they found that Ketting Bay had iced over. They took a quick walk on the ice, tested it by jumping up and down, and decided it was thick enough to drive on.
A few hundred yards offshore they discovered their error. The ice cracked and the car sank. Luckily Ketting Bay is shallow, so the boys suffered no worse than wet pants as they escaped through the car windows. Up to this point their misadventure could be considered a poor estimate.
They looked the half-submerged collectible car over and decided they had better pull it out before Uncle got mad. So they walked back to the farm, found a coil of rope and a strong car, drove back to the beach—and out to the submerged car!
Sploosh.
At this point we would not be wrong to talk about the foolishness of youth.
The boys climbed out of Submerged Car #2, walked back to the farm with sodden pants and chattering teeth, and fetched a farm tractor. They drove back to the beach—out onto the ice—and sank the tractor too!
Submerged Car #1 could be called an accident,
Submerged Car #2 could be called plain daft, but
Submerged Car #3 seems to indicate a genetic error, especially since the boys agreed upon the actions, and they are blood relatives.
Reference: Eyewitness account by Kim “The_Pirate” Christensen, who says,
“This happened to a young man who works a few desks away from me.”
At Risk Survivor: Mexican Divorce
Unconfirmed
MEXICO
I was traveling in Mexico with my then wife. Like many young hands we were in a VW van equipped with a potty to provide for our fussy American preference for sanitation and privacy.
My wife and I had been quibbling all day, due to the stifling heat and humidity of the sea-level jungle in which we had been camping. We took the road toward Mexico City, hoping that higher elevation would gain us some relief from the tropical heat.
On a switchback road several thousand feet above sea level, my dear wife announced the need to use the convenience and lurched toward the rear of the van. I suggested that she wait until I could pull over, but she was resolute in her determination to attend to matters promptly.
From the back I heard her irritable voice say, “Why’s this sodding potty rocking?” I pondered and realized that the potty was under pressure! It had been last used at sea level, and we had gained significant elevation. The bottom of the potty was bowed with pressure, causing the rocking. And, to my good wife’s impending grief and mortification, the potty was nearly full.
A beat too late I called back, “Honey don’t flush…”
I was interrupted by a mighty WHOOSH and a slurpy noise. Then silence. Then a horrible stench, and the unhappy sounds of my dear bride cursing like a Liverpool longshoreman. In the rear-view mirror I saw that the interior of the van was dripping with brown fluid. Since she’d had to face the potty to flush it, and since she hadn’t put the lid down, my hapless wife had taken the full blast from the pressurized holding tank. Her skin was brown, and I don’t mean suntanned.
Convulsed with laughter that was the proximate cause of our subsequent marital decline, I pulled over. My soon-to-be-ex lady marched down the highway cursing and dripping. When I recovered my composure, I cleaned the van and picked up my luckless hitchhiking wife. Our conversation was limited over the next few days and never regained its former gaiety and charm.
That pressurized potty took us out of the gene pool.
Reference: Eyewitness account of an anonymous unfortunate
Reader Comments:
“Oh, fudge.”
“Another crappy day.”
“If the potty’s rockin’, don’t bother knockin’.”
“Getting your own back.”
At Risk Survivor: Chivalry Rebuffed
Unconfirmed
MAY 2007, CALIFORNIA
I was taught by my fraternity to believe in human service and always lend a hand, particularly to pretty young women! One afternoon I was drinking beer on the front deck of the Berkeley frat house, enjoying the California sunshine, when I heard the unmistakable thump-thump, thump-thump of a flat tire. A Ford SUV pulled up to the curb and two young women hopped out to inspect the damage.
I quickly jumped down from the deck and offered to lend a hand. Perhaps they needed a jack or a spare set of hands? I was rebuffed. “Just because we’re women doesn’t mean we can’t change a tire.” So I sat back on the deck to watch the show.
The women retrieved tools and the spare from their vehicle and began to jack up the car. They didn’t notice that the car was right against the curb. There was no room to remove the wheel or install the new one. I attempted to step in but was brusquely rebuffed.
Eventually they realized their error and rolled the car forward to the ramp in the curb. Here, again, they didn’t take into account the angled edge of the curb, which allowed for drainage. Even fully extended, the jack wasn’t tall enough to allow the installation of a fully inflated spare. Again I offered my help. I suggested that they put the jack on a four-by-four block of wood I had handy, to offset the height.
But no! They wanted to change the tire themselves.
The young women found a cinderblock, set the jack on it, jacked up the car, and removed the flat. Here’s where the Darwin potential comes in. Until now I had not paid attention to where on the underbody they had positioned the jack. I made the mistake of assuming they knew a jack couldn’t go just anywhere. I was proven wrong.
With the jack fully extended and the flat removed, one woman began to put the spare on the studs. If you own an SUV you know these spares aren’t lightweight. The woman sat on the curb with her legs extended underneath the SUV, and the wheel hub positioned directly in front of her. Only then did I realize that they had placed the jack on th
e only “flat” spot of the underbody—the passenger seat floorboard!
Before I could yell, “Get out of there!” the jack tore through the floorboard and dropped the front of the SUV directly on the woman’s legs. The hub fell just shy of crushing her unmentionables. To my knowledge she suffered two broken femurs (impressive, given that they’re the strongest bones in the human body) but no damage to the procreative parts. Still, she came as close to earning a Darwin Award as I believe a woman can.
Reference: Eyewitness account by Jason Keats
Reader Comments:
“Anything he can do she can do better.”
“Now she can’t wear the pants.”
At Risk Survivor: Shattered Ego
Unconfirmed
NEW JERSEY
One warm summer day I was walking along the lake with a childhood friend. We reminisced about youthful summers spent fishing on the lake. A railroad track runs next to the lake. We used to put pebbles and pennies on the train tracks and take cover as the train zoomed by and annihilated the objects.