The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool

by Wendy Northcutt

  After their discovery in 1885 E. coli were found in the small intestines of virtually every warm-blooded animal. Several pounds of the bacteria reside in the gastrointestinal tracts of large animals like horses, German shepherds, and, yes, people too. Most strains cause no harm. But researchers came to realize that some strains of the bacteria rampage through the unfortunate host, causing symptoms ranging from lingering malaise to rapid death.

  Scientific interest intensified.

  Because E. coli are widespread and easy to keep alive in the lab, they soon became the most studied microbe in the world. Libraries were filled with sketches and chemical equations describing them. Our understanding of the molecular intricacy of these one-celled creatures grew rapidly. E. coli was not a primitive life-form from a forgotten slimy crevice. The bacterium was an exquisitely evolved animal, every bit as flexible and cleverly constructed as are we giants of muscle and bone.

  They taste the world around them, run the data through a molecular supercomputer, and reconfigure their metabolism to use those nutrients that happen to be available. They build sophisticated defenses against almost any deadly substance that wanders into their domain. When necessary, most can build a flagellum—a tiny motorized propeller that rotates thousands of times a second—and zoom around like high-tech submarines. When food and water are scarce, E. coli can even go into stasis (suspended animation)—for years, if necessary.

  These transformations are beyond any metamorphosis possible for plants or animals. But E. coli reproduce in a matter of hours, so they have had far more relative time, at least as measured by individual generations, to evolve than multicellular plants and animals. To put the talents of E. coli into perspective, imagine a herd of horses starving in a drought. If horses were as mutable as E. coli, one would morph into a Bengal tiger and eat the rest, and when that food was exhausted, it would sprout wings and fly away. If necessary, it would burrow into the earth and hibernate until rains brought the meadows back. Then it would become a horse again, happily munching on green grass.

  When scientists began to sequence DNA, the very code of life, E. coli was among the first to be scrutinized. That’s when another surprising microbial ability was noticed. E. coli were exchanging genes! That wasn’t supposed to happen. E. coli reproduce by splitting in two, and the daughter cells are identical to the parents. Sex in single-celled organisms? Unthinkable!

  Dr. Herbert Boyer was studying the exciting details of gene exchange when he had a revolutionary idea: If genes from one E. coli could be transplanted into another…could the genes of a different species be transplanted into the bacterium? To insert foreign genes Boyer enlisted the help of a plasmid.

  A plasmid is a small ring of DNA that carries useful genes. Plasmids are the means by which bacteria swap genes. The realization that bacterial genes are kept not only in the chromosomal DNA, but also on small, transferable rings of DNA, was revolutionary. Plasmids behave very much like the remnant of an independent microbe that struck up a partnership with the ancestral E. coli. In return for food and shelter plasmids offer their host a library of useful genes.

  The plasmid has an unusual ability. It can acquire random genes from a passing virus, or from the chromosomal DNA of bacteria, and make these genes available to other bacteria. When a bacterium must radically reconfigure itself to survive changing conditions, adaptive genes are often stored on the plasmid. A familiar example is antibiotic drug resistance, which is caused by a protein that inactivates the antibiotic. The gene for the protein, located on a plasmid, is easily transferred between bacteria. Plasmids give E. coli the flexibility to quickly adapt to changing conditions. E. coli has evolved to evolve, via the plasmid.

  Boyer realized that he didn’t have to insert a gene into the chromosome of the E. coli, a tricky maneuver with a low success rate. Instead, the plasmid would do the work for him. Boyer merely had to isolate a plasmid, coax it into accepting a gene of his choosing, then put it back into the E. coli. Plasmids are adept at moving useful genes from one E. coli to another, and this ability was exactly what Boyer wanted. Once inside, the plasmid should theoretically produce the protein coded by his foreign gene.

  Sounds easy? It took thousands of lab hours and years of work before Herbert Boyer’s first gene-engineered E. coli was confirmed to be a success. By the late 1970s Boyer had created mutants! He knew how to insert genes from wholly different creatures, with a variety of functions, into E. coli. If the foreign gene coded for a protein, the bacteria would churn out the substance, while the plasmid was powered, propagated, and protected by the microbe.

  Dazzled by the commercial possibilities, Boyer and business friend Robert Swanson invested five hundred dollars each to create a fledgling company and patent this process. And for his invention to be lucrative Boyer decided to program his next designer bacteria to produce a substance with a high demand. A chemical that people wanted and, better yet, needed. He quickly settled on his target: insulin.

  Insulin is a small peptide hormone composed of fifty-one amino acids. At the time diabetics were given insulin purified from large mammals such as horses and pigs. It controlled blood sugar levels, but not as effectively as human insulin. Complications from diabetes in general and animal insulin in particular could lead to devastating tissue damage, ruining eyes, heart, liver, or extremities. Animal-derived insulin could trigger rare but life-threatening allergic reactions, yet the only source of human insulin was minuscule (and expensive) amounts obtained from living humans or human cadavers. If Boyer could coerce E. coli into making the genuine human version, the mutant bacteria could be grown by the billions in large fermenter vats. Doses of pure human insulin would be unlimited!

  And it worked. Humulin is now used by millions of diabetics worldwide. Because it is an exact replica of human insulin, it adds years of life while avoiding the serious side effects of nonhuman insulin. For diabetics who could not tolerate insulin from animal sources, it was the stuff of life itself.

  Boyer and other researchers have since created mutant E. coli that churn out many useful proteins: human growth hormones to treat dwarfism, blood thinners for heart patients, and an array of other substances. Custom-engineered plasmids themselves have become a robust and lucrative subspecialty in the booming designer microbe industry. The microscopic bacteria have become a laboratory workforce, efficiently and reliably making lifesaving drugs and proteins used for medical research.

  For his pioneering contributions to genetic engineering and medicine Herbert Boyer has received academic distinctions. He was awarded the National Medal of Science in 1990. The Yale School of Medicine named its Boyer Center for Molecular Medicine after him. He shared in the prestigious Lemelson–MIT Prize in recognition of his invention. Dr. Herbert Boyer’s advances may one day lead to a Nobel Prize.

  Oh, and don’t forget the small company Boyer and Swanson started with a thousand dollars. They called it Genetic Engineering Technology, or Genentech for short. The two-man firm had been struggling on the edge of bankruptcy, but the promise of Humulin changed all that. In 1980 Genentech went public, using the ticker symbol DNA on the NYSE. The thousand dollars became $130 million overnight, and their shares are worth billions today. Amgen, Biogen, Genzyme, and ImClone rode on the coattails of Genentech’s success. Gene-swapping techniques created an entirely new industry, biotechnology, which now employs thousands of highly trained scientists.

  Herbert Boyer started out looking into the slimy and contagious, but because of the wealth and recognition he earned, Dr. Boyer’s presence would not be amiss on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous!

  Steven “DarkSyde” Andrew is a freelance science writer and contributing editor to the popular progressive weblog Daily Kos. He lives in Florida near the Kennedy Space Center with his wife, Mrs. “DS,” a dog named Darwin, and a cat named Kali.

  CHAPTER 5

  CRIMINAL CAPERS

  Criminals disregard the laws of men and the laws of physics at their own peril. Scrap metal, munitions, arson,
and robbery…enjoy the miscellaneous methods that miscreants have devised to bedevil themselves.

  Darwin Award: Support Group

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  28 JULY 2007, CZECH REPUBLIC

  Gravity still works.

  A pack of thieves attempted to steal scrap metal from an abandoned factory in Kladno. Unfortunately for them, they selected the steel girders that supported the factory roof. When the roof supports were dismantled the roof fell, fatally crushing two thieves and injuring three more.

  21 JUNE 2007, PHILIPPINES

  Three entrepreneurs planned to profit from stolen scrap metal. They entered a former U.S. military complex and approached the prize: an abandoned water tank. Bedazzled by the potential upside, the three threw logic to the wind and began to cut the metal legs out from under the tank. Guess where it fell? Straight onto the thieves. Their flattened bodies have not yet been identified.

  * * *

  “They failed to realize the essential role played by the aptly named ‘support.’”

  * * *

  31 JULY 1997

  Two teens were disassembling an electric tower with wrenches when it toppled to the ground. They apparently wanted to sell its aluminum supports for scrap, but they failed to realize the essential role the aptly named “support” plays in a 160-foot tower. One of the men was crushed by the collapse of the ten-thousand-pound tower, while the other dug himself out from under, a sadder but wiser man.

  Darwin notes: These thieves are playing a deadly game of Jenga! A new target is the lead roofing of ancient churches. This entire category may soon become too common to win further Awards. See also Barn Razing.

  Reference: Associated Press, CT24 News, aktualne.centrum.cz, Reuters, GMA-7 News TV, DZEC Radio

  Darwin Award: Ammo Dumps

  Unconfirmed

  2003, IRAQ

  When my unit took over an Iraqi ammunition holding area, securing this large piece of real estate was a bit of a problem. Looters periodically showed up to steal brass from the tank and artillery rounds stored in the bunkers. These guys had simple tools: hammers and chisels. And, as ninety-eight percent of Iraqis smoke, this made for an even more interesting day.

  One day we saw five looters sneak into a bunker. As we made our way toward the bunker to apprehend them, the bunker exploded. It was a few days before we could get close to the demolished bunker. When we were able to investigate, we ascertained that the looters had either struck a spark while hitting a tank round with hammer and chisel, or one or all were enjoying their finest tobacco while striking the explosive. Either way, the outcome was the demise of five insurgents.

  * * *

  “As we approached to apprehend them, the bunker exploded.”

  * * *

  Reference: Anonymous eyewitness account

  Reader Comment:

  “Do I detect a special spark between us?”

  “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not so sure about the former.”

  —Albert Einstein

  Darwin Award: Thou Shalt Not Steel

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  8 MARCH 2008, CZECH REPUBLIC

  Steel is valuable, especially the high-grade alloy used in steel cable. Scrap metal dealers do not ask questions. They pay in cash. And a good supply of steel cable can be found in elevator shafts.

  This particular gold mine was a towering shaft inside an empty granary near Žatec, forty miles northwest of Prague. The cable was tightly fastened, and the far end of it disappeared into the shadowy distance above.

  * * *

  “The counterbalance started to move silently downward.”

  * * *

  After substantial wear and tear on a hacksaw, our man finally cut through the strong steel cable. At that instant the counterbalance, no longer held in check, started to move silently downward, accelerating until it reached the bottom of the shaft.

  Result: one proud winner of a “terminal velocity” Darwin Award.

  R.I.P.

  Reference: zpravy.idnes.cz

  Reader Comments:

  “Shafted!”

  “A weighty subject.”

  Darwin Award: A Slow Burn

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  6 JULY 2006, OHIO

  A rare Double Darwin!

  Insurance fraud is harder than it looks. Just ask Musa and his son Essa, who hired an arsonist to burn down their Steak Thyme sub shop so they could collect the insurance money. They promised the arsonist a sixty-thousand-dollar-a-year job, although where he would work once the shop was ashes is unknown.

  Three times he tried and three times he failed to destroy the sandwich shop. Whether it was a Molotov cocktail thrown through the window, or chairs doused with gasoline and set ablaze, the result was the same. Minor damage. The neighborhood was up in arms over the apparent “hate crimes” repeatedly being committed against the two Jordanian immigrants.

  Musa grew tired of throwing good money after bad. This was getting him nowhere! For the fourth arson attempt, only twelve hours after the flaming chairs fizzled, he and his son decided to help the hired hand. They spread gasoline liberally around their eatery. A single match would do the trick.

  * * *

  After the third bungled arson Musa boasted in a televised interview, “If someone is trying to shut me out of business, it’s not going to happen. This is my life and nobody’s going to take that away from me.” Nobody but himself!

  * * *

  * * *

  “Three times he tried, and three times he failed.”

  * * *

  Tragically, they had more talent for arson than their amateur arsonist. They took a cigarette break and one flick of a lighter later, a gas explosion took out one wall and burned both men so severely that, despite several weeks of hospitalized care, the men died.

  Reference: WCPO News, Associated Press, Coalition Against Insurance Fraud

  Reader Comments:

  “If you want something done right…”

  “It would have been easier to just run their business….”

  Darwin Award: Crutch, Meet Crotch

  Confirmed True by Darwin

  NOVEMBER 2007, RUSSIA

  Late one night Eduard entered the apartment of a thirty-year-old handicapped man, who slept peacefully as Eduard quietly cleaned out the valuables. Eduard was preparing to leave when suddenly the man woke up.

  “I couldn’t believe my eyes! The dark shape of some goon was standing next to my nightstand!” recalled the burglary victim. “I cried out and he attacked me, who was defenseless, with his fists! I had no choice. I hit him between the legs with my crutch and he leapt out the window. Thank God I live on the first floor, and he did not die from the fall.

  “I did not understand at first what had fallen out of his pants. When I looked closer, I realized that it was a testicle, a man’s testicle! I put it in cold water and rushed to the phone.” The handicapped man dialed emergency services several times, but “the doctors hung up on me when I told them I had ripped a burglar’s balls off!”

  * * *

  “I had no choice. I hit him between the legs with my crutch.”

  * * *

  Half an hour later the blood-covered thief was found lying on the sidewalk by a passerby, who called the police. When the medics revived the unconscious man, he started screaming hysterically, “Give me back my balls!”

  Eduard’s genitals were so traumatized that doctors had to amputate the entire scrotum to prevent gangrene. In the hospital the burglar filed a complaint against his victim. He said, “I will never forgive him!”

  Reference: cripo.com.ua

  Reader Comments:

  “That’ll fix him.”

  “Crotchety old man.”

  “Something is missing….”

  “In a high-pitched voice: ‘OH, MY GOD!’”

  Darwin Award: Descent of Man

  Unconfirmed

  NEW YORK

  I
n twenty years on the NYPD I witnessed plenty of ill-considered death and mayhem. In one case we responded to a body-in-a-courtyard call. We found a nineteen-year-old man who had obviously perished by falling from a great height. We ruled out suicide, as access to the roof was secure, and there were no open windows. Eventually we located an informative eyewitness.

  The man’s younger brother told us that the two of them had intended to burglarize an apartment. His brother had climbed a cable TV wire to a fifth-floor window and, while struggling to force the window, had lost his grip on the thin cable and fallen to his death. The brother panicked and ran.

  When I asked why they had selected that particular apartment, the brother looked at me incredulously and replied, “Obviously they got a TV if they got a cable going in the window.”

  Reference: Eyewitness account by an NYPD police officer

  Darwin Award: On the Piste

  Confirmed True by Darwin