Drawn To Dark

by Emma Tharp

  Kingston tried to Facetime last night. He left me a voice message and text. I don’t listen or read them. My sleep was restless and what little I did get was plagued with dreams of being tied down and beaten with household objects. The alarm went off this morning and I wanted to throw it across the room.

  The only thing that sounds good is coffee from my favorite coffee shop. I stop in before work and grab a latte and donuts for the staff. Maybe that will stop them from asking me a hundred questions. I know I don’t look great today. My concealer didn’t seem to erase the black under my eyes and the red around them from crying on and off all night and morning.

  My job normally perks me up and lightens my mood. Not today. I’m a zombie all day. I avoid my cell phone and sneak out quickly at lunch before Penny can corner me. I sit in my car and cry for a full hour. I don’t want to see my friend. I’m not ready to tell anyone yet about what I saw last night. I have to process this and form a plan. And fast.

  At the end of the day, I’m not quick enough to get out of here before Penny finds me in the break room.

  “Hey, Cam. What’s going on with you today? I want to talk to you.” She grabs my shoulder so I’ll turn and look at her.

  Looking down toward the floor, I say, “Sorry, I’ve been so busy today.”

  “You okay? You don’t look so good.”

  “No, I’ve got my period. I don’t feel great. I’m going to head home and have a hot bath.” I avoid eye contact at all costs. I hate lying to her.

  “Okay, well, you should do that, but you need to call Kingston. Davies called me last night and this morning. Kingston has been asking him to have me check on you. He’s worried because he hasn’t talked to you since yesterday.” She’s leaning in toward me, invading my personal space.

  Instinctively, I back away. “Oh, damn. I’ll talk to him later. I fell asleep early last night. You know how that goes.” I’m not sure she’s buying what I’m selling, and I know it seems like a feeble attempt. I’m a terrible liar. I turn to walk away from her.

  “Wait.” Penny rushes to me and steps in front of me, blocking my exit from the room. “I don’t know what’s going on with you. But, you do know that I am here for you, right?” Her voice is soft and comforting. It’s almost enough for me to break down right here at work.

  Inhaling a shaky breath, I say, “Thank you. I know. I’ve got to get home. Tell Davies that I’m fine and I’ll talk to Kingston later.” I give her a fake smile and walk past her.

  Drawing from strength I didn’t know I had, I make it to my car before completely breaking down. I sob until it’s difficult to breathe and my chest hurts from it. When the tears finally slow down, I pull away from the office and dab at my eyes with an old napkin from the coffee shop. It’s sticky and smells like a glazed donut. I’m a mess.

  What am I going to do? I can’t avoid this for long. Maybe I will tell Penny tomorrow and ask for her advice. Right now, the pain is too strong like a pulsing cut from the blade of a knife. It has to ease up a little, scab over before I can fully deal with it.

  As soon as I pull in my driveway, I rush into the house, throw my purse onto the kitchen table, and go to my room. I strip down out of my scrubs and run a tub full of hot water with a bath bomb. Grabbing my phone out of my scrubs pocket, I notice that I’ve got three missed calls and twelve text messages from Kingston. He has to know that I found out about the other woman.

  Scrolling through the messages, they’re all pretty much the same.

  Did you fall asleep before we could Facetime?

  I miss you.

  Everything okay?

  I hope you’re having a good day.

  Will you call me please? I miss hearing your voice, sweet girl.

  I’m worried about you, please text and tell me you’re okay.

  As I’m reading through, my phone starts to ring. It’s him. I hit ignore and set it down and crawl into the tub. The water is warm and smells like lavender. It’s soothing and I tip my head back and relax. I feel boneless and exhausted, like someone scooped out my insides. When the water is cold and my skin is pruned, I get out and dry off. The bath has made me feel slightly better until I realize I’ve got to dig through one of the boxes I packed to move in with Kingston, to find a pair of sweats and a t-shirt to put on. This weekend I’ll unpack them all and put everything back where it belongs.

  Standing in my kitchen with the door to the pantry open, I search for anything that sounds appealing to eat. Maybe a few crackers. Grabbing one, I nibble on the end. It’s hard and dry. Maybe wine is a better choice. I haven’t had much to drink since Kingston and I started dating. I’m not a big drinker and since he doesn’t drink anymore, I haven’t wanted any. I do now.

  Rifling through my junk drawer, I locate the corkscrew and get to work on opening the bottle of cabernet that’s been sitting here for months. Pouring a generous glass, I take a sip and then another. It’s delicious and just what I need to take the edge off.

  A loud thunderous knock on my door causes me to nearly spill my wine. It has to be more damn flowers. He sends them every day when he’s gone. I’m going to turn them away tonight.

  Opening the door, there’s a man there with an envelope in his hands, and no flowers. He doesn’t say a word to me, just hands me it, and walks away. It’s addressed to me, but there’s no sender information. I don’t recognize the handwriting, but the letters are round and loopy. It’s a standard letter size, but lumpy.

  I go into the kitchen with it and open it up. Inside is a thumb drive and a note that says, “Watch this.” It’s the same handwriting as the envelope. My heart sinks. I shouldn’t want to see what’s on it. My gut is telling me it isn’t going to be good, but I can’t fire up my laptop fast enough.

  It’s a movie. The same woman from the last one. Timestamp is from last night. She’s gorgeous, long straight dark hair, flawless smooth skin. Her body is firm and tight, the opposite of mine. She’s naked and tied up in some sort of harness. Kingston is there, also no clothes on. They’re having sex, his hands are all over her. They’re moaning and kissing, and it makes me want to throw up all the red wine I just drank. I yank the thumb drive out of my computer and throw it against the wall.

  Unsure of what to do with all of my pent-up anger, I open my mouth and scream. It’s a loud shrieking sound that seems to come all the way from my toes. Screaming again, I fall to my knees and let all the air out of my lungs until all that’s left are sad hiccupping sobs racking my body. How could he do this to me? And what kind of sick woman would take these videos and make sure they get delivered to me?

  I can’t do this anymore.

  I text Kingston a message. Leave me alone.

  He calls immediately and I turn off my phone.

  15

  Kingston

  What the fuck is going on?

  Cam is going to make me lose my mind. My heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest. I can’t stand being away from her and now she sends me a text to leave her alone. No way.

  Rushing down the hotel hallway, I pound on Davies’ room door.

  He answers, and I push past him and into the room. “You’ve got to call Penny, man. She has to go over to Cam’s place and talk to her. I have to know what’s going on.”

  “What did you do, man?” Davies’ eyes scan me, a look of concern on his face.

  “Nothing. For once I didn’t do anything, but Cam won’t talk to me. I can’t take it anymore,” I say, raking my hands through my hair.

  “Okay, try to calm down.” Davies picks up his phone, dials a number, and puts it to his ear.

  This is like torture. What could Cam possibly be upset about? I’ve done nothing but try my best to show her how much I care for her. It has to be something big to ask me to leave her alone.

  “Penny isn’t picking up her phone. I’m sorry.”

  “Fuck, I think I know what’s wrong.” I’m pacing back and forth through the room now, my body’s only way of processing the adrenali
ne coursing through it.

  “What is it?” Davies asks.

  “Not what. Who. It’s Helena. I’ve got to go back to my room and call her. Do me a favor. When Penny calls you back, please ask her to go see Cam. I need to know she’s okay.” I’m halfway out his door when I hear him call out, “Sure.”

  I dial Helena’s number and she picks up on the first ring. “What’s wrong? You ready to come back to me?” she purrs out like she’s been waiting for me to call.

  This proves to me how sick Helena actually is. She believes that I’d go back to her. The depth of her delusion shouldn’t shock me. She’s not the woman I used to know. Or maybe she is, and I was blind to her issues. I didn’t want to see it.

  “There’s no way in hell I’d ever come back to you. What did you do to Cam?” There’s venom in my tone. If I could reach through the phone and grab her I would.

  “What do you mean?” she asks, playing coy.

  “Listen to me. I don’t want to bring you in front of the board for manipulating me and fucking with my head, but I will. Just tell me.” I’m spitting on the phone as I speak, the last shred of my patience threatening to snap.

  “Don’t get worked up. I thought I’d share with her how you like things.” Her tone is sickly sweet, manipulation oozing from her words.

  “You did what?” I yell. My face feels as hot and as red as a tomato. The desire to throw the phone across the room overwhelms me, but I need answers.

  “Kingston, you’re better off.”

  “You know what, Helena? Fuck you.” I end the call and grip my phone so tight I’m surprised it’s not shattered in a million pieces in my hand. Every muscle in my body is stiff with tension desperate to be relieved. God fucking damn.

  “What did she do?” Davies asks, standing in front of me with that look on his face. It’s not the first time I’ve seen it. It’s the ‘what the hell do I do with him now’ look.

  “I don’t know, but it isn’t good. I’ve got to do something, I can’t stay here helpless like this.” I glance at my watch. “We’ve got twenty-four hours until our next show, right?”

  “Yeah, what are you thinking about doing?” There’s actual fear in his voice.

  “Don’t worry, man. Nothing stupid. I’ve got to make things right with Cam. If I can.” I pat Davies on the shoulder as I walk out the door of his hotel room with the phone already to my ear calling the airlines to book the first flight home. I’ve got one day to fix whatever Helena broke.

  The flight is short, but my mind is plagued with the what-ifs. Helena is vindictive and it’s clear she’ll do anything to hurt me. I don’t know what she might have done or said to Cam, but Cam’s reaction tells me it isn’t good.

  Renting a car from the airport, I make the fifteen minute drive to Cam’s house with my foot like a brick on the accelerator. My heart thunders in my chest with the knowledge of what’s at stake. Cam is the first and only relationship I’ve ever had in my life that’s felt right. A truly healthy relationship. I’m not going to give up on it, I’ll clutch and claw and fight for her. She’s worth it.

  Maybe I should’ve told her about Helena. She opened up about her ex-husband, but whatever I had with Helena wasn’t a typical relationship. She was my god-damned counselor. Where would I have even started? It never crossed my mind to talk about her, but now if I can have any prayer of getting Cam back, I’m going to have to spill everything. It could all backfire and blow up in my face. That’s a chance I’m going to have to take.

  Pulling up to Cam’s house, my body feels the same as it does before I take the stage: accelerated heart rate, shallow breathing, and sweaty palms. Fucking great. I need to calm my shit down and prepare myself. She has no idea I’m coming and I have to use this to my advantage.

  I knock on her door and wait for what feels like hours for her to answer. Her car is in the driveway. Just before I walk away, I hear her footfalls close to the door.

  She doesn’t answer, just calls out, “What are you doing here? You should be on tour. Go away.”

  “I’m here and I want to talk to you. Please let me in,” I plead.

  It’s as if I can see her wheels turning. She’s grappling with herself. She doesn’t know what to do with me.

  “Cam, I’m not going to leave until you let me in. Please open up!” I shout into the door, hoping against hope that she finds it within herself to hear me out.

  It takes her a minute, but she does hesitantly open the door for me. She’s beautiful, but she’s got shadows under her eyes like mine. Her hair is up and she’s in shorts and a tank top. I want to touch her and not just to get in her pants. I desire the closeness, the connection we share, even if it’s just a hug. But I swallow back the hunger and stand as still as stone.

  “I guess you can come in.” She’s relenting, but her eyes and posture tell me that’s not what she wants to do. Her guard is up and I’m worried all the talking in the world isn’t going to do any good.

  “Thank you for seeing me. I got your text, but you never explained why you wanted me to leave you alone.”

  Her hands ball into fists as she breathes in deeply, her chest rising and falling. “You just had to be honest with me, that’s all, if you wanted another woman. I don’t do open relationships so I have to end it. I thought I made that clear.”

  “Please stop. Go back. What did Helena do?”

  Her mouth opens and closes. I wonder if realization is setting in that I have a clue who must be messing with her. “Look,” she says, going to her laptop sitting on her kitchen counter. She pulls up her email account and she opens one. Standing behind her, I watch as a movie starts to play. I notice the room immediately. It’s Helena’s house. I think this was at least six months ago.

  She was fucking taping us. I can’t speak and my mouth goes bone dry. Cam watched this. No wonder she hates me. I’m whipping Helena while she’s gagged. I’m blurry, but my face is pinched and strained. “Please stop the video,” I say. My hands grip the back of Cam’s chair. It’s a good thing she’s still sitting in it or I’d pick it up and throw it across the room. I couldn’t be more pissed at Helena. How dare she tape us and send it to Cam? She has reached an all-time low with this.

  Cam points to the screen where it says the date. Three nights ago. Then she hits stop and looks up at me, a storm of emotions wash over her face. “So did you guys do this before or after the show in Saratoga?”

  “How did she do that?” I ask, more to myself than to Cam.

  “With some kind of video camera.”

  “No, I mean, how did she fuck with the timestamp? This video wasn’t taken recently. Maybe six months ago, but I haven’t been with Helena since I started seeing you.” I stare her straight in the eye and don’t look away. She has to see the sincerity there.

  She shakes her head slowly. “No, I don’t think you can do that.”

  “I swear to you. I wasn’t with her or anyone else in Saratoga. Ask Davies or any of the guys. I told you that I wanted to be with just you and I meant it.”

  “Then why did she send me this?” Her voice is thick with hurt and confusion and her chin trembles, but no tears fall.

  “Can we please sit down? Let me explain.” I move toward the living room and she follows me, her steps slow and hesitant.

  Cam sits across the room from me, but at least we’re in the same space. “The woman that was in the video is who I was seeing before you.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about her?”

  Rubbing my hands down my face, I say, “Because I’m ashamed. Our relationship wasn’t conventional.”

  “Yeah, I can see that.” Her tone is sarcastic now.

  “Right. Yes, our sex life wasn’t either, but I was referring to how things got started.” Seeing Cam’s eyes on me, focused and ready for answers, I want to cringe away. How can I admit all of these sick things to her? She’s innocent and untainted. “Are you sure you want to hear all of this?”

  “All I’ve ever wanted is for you to
be honest with me.” Her mouth points down in a sad frown. I’d do anything to wipe that look off her face.

  What I want to do is get closer to her and comfort her, but her rigid closed-off posture is telling me to keep my distance. “Okay, let me start from the beginning. I told you what a mess my life was. That’s a bit of an understatement. I was drinking and getting into trouble. The manager of the band told me that if I didn’t see a counselor and get my shit together that he’d kick me out of the band. That’s when I met Helena.”

  Cam’s head flinches back, a look of disgust crosses her features. “Wait, she was your counselor?”

  “Like I said, unconventional. At first it was a standard doctor-patient relationship. But after about a year, she started making advances on me. I couldn’t believe that someone so smart and sophisticated could fall for me, but she did. It was flattering, at first. But as time went on, her true motives came out. She’s a submissive and she wanted me to be her Dom.” Cam’s eyes get so wide they look as if they could bulge out of her head. “It’s important for me to tell you that I have never been a Dominant before her and I hope to never be again. I didn’t care for it, but I thought that if I gave it some time, I’d get to like it. That never really happened.”

  “Let me try to get this straight. You don’t like being a Dom, but you did it for her. Your counselor. You realize that all of this is incredibly unethical.”

  “I do now. But I was so grateful to her. She helped me work through my shit and I stopped drinking. I thought I owed her.”

  “That is fucked up.” Her tone isn’t judgmental, but there’s some anger there.

  “It gets worse. When I was out to dinner with Davies one night, I saw her there with her husband. She never told me she was married. She never wore a ring. I was pissed and told her we were done. Except she told me that we were adults and that we could continue with things the way they were. I was such an idiot. I believed that she and I would end up together, that somehow she would want me the way I was, which isn’t a Dominant.”