by Tara Bond
“For what?”
“You know what for.” When he continued to pretend to be confused, I gave a big sigh. “Fine. I’ll say it then. He’s using her for sex.”
Alex frowned. “I sincerely doubt that. Hugh’s a good guy. I’ve known him since prep school. He doesn’t have a bad bone in his body.”
“Yeah, well. You would say that.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, he’s your friend, isn’t he? You probably think it’s fine for him to shag the trashy waitress and then ignore her until he wants to have sex again.”
Alex burst out laughing. “You really do have a suspicious mind, don’t you? Honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. Hugh’s crazy about Jas.”
“Well, I guess we’ll see who’s right eventually,” I said a touch primly. “Anyway, talking of Jas—I’m really going to have to tell her that I’m staying here. I can’t risk her finding out for herself. And she’s going to ask questions about why we were hanging out together . . .”
He paused for a moment. “I suppose you’re going to have to tell her the truth, then.” His eyes glinted as he added, “That should be a novel change for you.”
* * *
That afternoon, Jas and I sat drinking tea in her tiny living room. She listened wide-eyed as I told her everything—from my mother’s drinking to the poker nights and Sergei.
“So now you’re staying at Alex’s?” she asked, once the whole story was out. “I knew there was something going on between you!”
“Trust me. There isn’t.”
“Yeah, a likely story.” She threw a cushion at me. “And you had the cheek to give me a hard time about Hugh.”
“How’s that going, by the way?” I asked, looking to change the subject.
“Oh, don’t say it like that. I know you don’t approve. But he’s been really good to me.” Her eyes went dreamy as she spoke of how he’d cooked her dinner and brought her breakfast in bed.
It all sounded lovely, except for one thing: they didn’t seem to be spending time with anyone other than each other. “What about his friends and family?” I said casually. “Have you met any of them yet?”
She frowned. “Well, no.” I could see her chewing at her inner lip. “But we haven’t been together for that long. I’m sure that’ll happen.”
I just nodded, and hoped for her sake that she was right about him.
* * *
When I got back to the flat that night, Alex was waiting for me. He was smiling.
“You’re looking very pleased with yourself.”
“I am.” His smile widened. “I’ve got something for you.”
“Oh?”
He reached into his jeans pocket, pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. It was a concert ticket for Tumbleweed, my favourite band.
I looked up at him, a question in my eyes.
“Jas mentioned you liked them, so I got us all tickets. You, me, Jas and Hugh. I thought it’d be a good way for you to get to know him a little better—make sure that his intentions towards your friend are honourable.”
I looked at the date, and bit my lip. It was for a Tuesday evening over in the Caledonian Road, North London. And Tuesday was the night I met up with April.
“What’s wrong?” Alex had clearly seen my reaction.
“I can’t go.” I knew I needed to give more explanation. “It’s the night I meet my sister. I can’t let her down.”
His brow furrowed. “Can’t you change it to another night?”
I gave a short, harsh laugh. “Spoken like someone who’s never had to deal with Social Services.” He looked at me quizzically. “Trust me—the system isn’t set up to be that flexible.”
“And you can’t skip it for once? Your sister would understand.”
“I can’t do that to her.” I handed the ticket back. “I’m sorry if you wasted your money. But I’m sure you’ll find someone else who’ll be dying to go with you.” I waited a beat, and then couldn’t help adding, “Tori, maybe. I can see it being right up her street.”
He smiled at that.
He pocketed the ticket, but I could tell the conversation wasn’t over yet. He sat back and regarded me with an intense stare.
“What?” I said finally.
“Why are you always so restrained? This isn’t me hassling you about the ticket,” he added hastily. “It’s just that you’re always like this. You work and you take care of your family. But you never seem to have any—” He hesitated. “Well, you don’t seem to have any fun.”
“I told you before. My mother’s an alcoholic.”
“I know that. And I get the not-drinking part. But there’s more to it than that. You’re always so . . .” He trailed off, as though searching for the right word.
“So what?” I sounded as defensive as I felt. Somehow I had a feeling whatever he was about to say wasn’t going to be complimentary.
“I was going to say so responsible.”
“Someone had to be.” I tried to sound nonchalant, but deep down I wasn’t. There were times over the years when I’d wished I could have had more of a childhood. But I’d also learnt that there was no point feeling sorry for myself. Someone had to try to hold our family together—to pick up the pieces after my mother and look after April. And there was no one else but me.
I preferred not to think about it, but Alex didn’t seem willing to let it go.
“It’s not very fair on you, though, is it?” he said. “You’re only nineteen. You shouldn’t have all this responsibility.”
“Well, what do you suggest I do? Leave my sister in foster care and swan off enjoying myself?”
“No.” He sounded like he was trying to be reasonable. “I think it’s great what you’re doing for your family. I’m just saying you should give yourself a break now and again. The world won’t fall apart because you have one night off.”
“Yeah, well, that’s easy for you to say. You’ve never had to worry about anything apart from enjoying yourself. Don’t judge me when you have no idea what my life is like.”
“Fair enough, I won’t.” He waited a beat. “As long as you do me the same courtesy.”
It took me a moment to figure out what he meant. It was a good point, and I felt my cheeks heat up as I realised what I’d done. I hated that he was so quick and smart with his words. He always seemed to get the better of me.
“I should go and try to get some sleep.” It wasn’t the wittiest reply, but it was all I had.
“Just think about coming to see the band next week. It’d do you good.”
There was no point discussing it further. He didn’t seem to realise how much I’d have loved to go—but I just couldn’t. I got up and headed to my room.
Chapter 14
The next few days I settled into my new surroundings. Alex was rarely there, so I didn’t see him apart from very briefly as he was coming in or going out.
I had met April on the Tuesday night, once she was back from her trip, and told her about my new living arrangements—saying that I was staying with a friend I’d met through my new job. Usually she’d have wanted to hear all the details, but she was more preoccupied with her own circumstances. She assured me that Racquel was no longer bullying her, but said that even so she’d rather be back home with me and Mum. I couldn’t say I blamed her.
It was as though some higher power knew I was already fed up enough with my family situation. When I had got up the next morning, I had a message to call the rehab centre. It was over a month since my mother had been admitted, and when I phoned back, her counsellor told me that she had been doing so well that they thought it was time for me to join her in one of her therapy sessions. She apparently wanted to apologise for all the times she’d let me down over the years. If it was convenient, I could come in one afternoon.
“Do I have to?” I said.
For some reason, they didn’t seem to think I was serious.
* * *
; The following Tuesday afternoon, I made my way out to the centre.
The meeting had been set up in a formal room, and it was clearly a big deal. Tea was served in fine china, and I could see again why this place was setting me back so much.
After ten minutes my mother came in, and delivered her prepared speech to me. Her counsellor sat nearby, and they’d clearly been working together on what she should say. The counsellor nodded encouragingly as my mother spoke, sometimes mouthing the words along with her.
It was hard to listen to my mother apologising. I tried to appear engaged, but I’d heard it all before. She was looking for forgiveness, and I just didn’t have it in me. But I said what she wanted to hear—that I accepted her apology, and believed she really was going to stay sober this time—mostly so I could get out of there.
The counsellor asked to speak privately with me afterwards. I didn’t exactly feel like I had a choice in the matter. She took me into her room, smiling like we were sharing a secret.
“That wasn’t easy to hear, was it?” She gestured to me to sit down.
I just looked at her.
“You know she means what she says, don’t you?”
“She always does.”
After half an hour of listening to the counsellor making excuses for my mum, and explaining how hard she was trying, I was finally free to leave.
I was feeling thoroughly fed up by the time I got back to the flat. I didn’t have the energy to make it to my room, so I flopped onto one of the sofas and closed my eyes. I was due to meet April at seven, but for the first time I had no desire to go. She’d ask me about our mother, and I didn’t have it in me to pretend I gave a damn about the woman.
I’d been there for about ten minutes when I heard someone running down the stairs. I opened my eyes, and saw Alex. His hair was damp and he had his jacket on, and he was clearly on his way out somewhere. Then I remembered he was going to the concert with Jas and Hugh.
He probably wouldn’t have even noticed me there, but as he got to the last step he happened to glance in my direction. “I didn’t know you were back,” he said. I just shrugged. I must have been wearing my mood on my face, because he frowned. “So what’s up with you?”
I shook my head, not wanting to go into it. “I’ve just had a really bad day.”
“And what’s in store for the evening? Something fun, I trust?” He made no effort to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.
I just shook my head again. I was worried if I tried to speak, I might start crying.
“Then instead of moping around here, why don’t you come out with us instead?”
“I can’t.”
“Of course you can.” He took a step towards me, his eyes glittering with challenge. “I’ve still got that spare ticket for tonight. For once in your life, live a little. Don’t you want to know what it’s like to have fun?”
“I know how to have fun.”
“Really?” He stood back and folded his arms. “Then show me.”
I knew he was goading me into agreeing to his suggestion, and I wanted to think I was smart enough not to fall for it. He was calling me chicken to get me to do something I shouldn’t—it was so transparent. But in that moment I realised I didn’t care. Because it suddenly dawned on me just how much I wanted to take him up on his invitation. It was wrong of me, but I just needed one night to be around people my own age; for one night I wanted to let my hair down and forget all my responsibilities.
“You know what?” I said. “I will come with you.”
I felt a pang of concern as I noted the self-satisfied smile that crossed his face, but I pushed it to one side. “Good,” he said, and then gave a quick glance at his watch. “But we need to leave soon.”
I smiled. “Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready to go.”
I hurried to my room, aware that I didn’t have long. That was fine by me—I wasn’t planning to make a great deal of effort. I pulled off my jumper, but decided there was no point changing out of my old jeans, white tank top and Converse trainers—if we were going to see a band, then I knew the floor would be swimming in beer. I pulled a hand through my short dark hair, and applied mascara and some black-cherry lipstick, just so it looked like I’d made some kind of effort. I finished the look with my favourite item—a fitted vintage brown-leather jacket, which had cost me a tenner from Portobello Road market.
I regarded myself in the mirror. I might not have looked glamorous and sophisticated like the girls Alex usually hung out with, but I was definitely pulling off rock chick. For a moment I wondered why it was important to me that he liked the way I looked, but I pushed the thought away, not wanting to dwell on it too much.
I tried to call April, but couldn’t get through, so I left her a message apologising for not being able to make it, and saying that I’d pop round to her school at lunchtime tomorrow instead. I felt bad as I did it, and after I put the phone down I almost changed my mind about going out. But then I thought: What difference will one night make? I can always make it up to her—perhaps even see if I can take her out during the day on Saturday.
As I headed back downstairs, I pushed my guilt to one side. If I was going to take this night for myself, I might as well enjoy it.
Alex was waiting for me at the lift. His eyes swept over me, and he smiled approvingly.
“Ready?” he said, and I nodded. “Good. Then let’s go.”
* * *
The Caledonian Road wasn’t exactly the swankiest area of London, and I’d worried about being dropped off in some chauffeur-driven car. Or worse still, that Alex would bring his Porsche, which would undoubtedly get nicked within five minutes of us arriving. But he seemed to have considered that. Instead, we took a cab, picking up Jas and Hugh from his apartment along the way.
“You came after all!” Jas beamed as she clambered into the taxi, linking her arm through mine as she settled down on the leather seat next to me. “That’s brilliant! Tonight’s going to be amazing.”
I watched Hugh get in next, carrying Jas’s sparkly handbag for her. Seeing that was almost enough to get me to believe that Jas and Alex were right, and he was a nice guy. But I was still reserving judgement.
It was a squeeze in the taxi, and Jas hugged up to me, inadvertently pressing me against Alex. I couldn’t deny how aware of him I was. As Jas chattered on, I contented myself with staring out the window, watching the bright lights of the West End fade as we got farther out into the dinginess of King’s Cross, until the cab pulled up in the Caledonian Road.
The venue was a former church, where club nights were held and up-and-coming bands played. When we arrived it was already swamped, and we joined the crowd that was pouring through the arched doorway. The place was rough and down-at-heel, shabby compared to the urban sophistication of Destination. But to my surprise, Alex looked just as at home as he did in a private members’ club. He had that laid-back cool that made him instantly fit in wherever he went.
We paid the entrance fee and checked our coats into the makeshift cloakroom. I had a feeling my jacket would end up on the floor, but it was going to be too hot to keep it with me. Inside, it looked a bit like a beaten-up theatre, with a stage at the front, a bar at the back, and a dance floor/mosh pit in between. The walls were all painted black, adding to the dingy feel.
The warm-up band had already started playing. Alex turned to us to take our drinks order. The others all asked for shots of tequila. He looked at me quizzically. I thought for just a second.
“Same for me.” Tonight I was going to forget everything and let my hair down.
Jas cheered. Alex regarded me with undisguised curiosity. I knew he was wondering what exactly I was playing at.
Soon he was back from the bar, juggling the four shot glasses. We all clinked glasses and downed the bitter liquid.
“Same again!” Jas said. I didn’t object.
Alex didn’t say anything for the first three rounds of shots, but by the fourth he looked concerned.
/> “Are you sure about this?” He dipped his head towards me, so only I could hear. “It’s not a good idea if you’re not used to drinking.”
The sensible part of me knew that he was right. But the alcohol had already gone to my head, and I was at that stage where I felt invincible. “Don’t you worry about me.” I tapped my finger against his chest, in what I knew was a flirtatious manner. “I can take care of myself. Promise.”
He came back with the shots like before, but this time he also brought bottles of water. After we’d downed the tequila, he handed me one of the waters.
“I like seeing you like this, letting go a little. But let’s not go crazy. I don’t want to be holding your head over the toilet bowl before the night’s over.”
I rolled my eyes at him, but dutifully drank the water down.
Then, before there was time for any more tequila, the lights dimmed and, to a chorus of cheers, whoops and wolf-whistles, Tumbleweed took to the stage.
The place was jammed from wall to wall, and as the band struck up everyone surged towards the stage. Someone bumped into me, and I staggered to one side, but Alex grabbed me from behind. His arms went protectively around my waist. I felt the tips of his fingers pressing into the curve of my hip bones.
“Are you all right?” His lips were so close to my ear I could feel his breath on my skin. I shivered against him, and his arms tightened around me.
“I’m fine.”
He made no effort to let me go, and I didn’t object. Everyone around us seemed to be dancing, so when Alex began to move behind me, I couldn’t help responding. His hands splayed across my stomach, drawing me closer so I could feel his body pressing against mine. I’d seen him do this with a dozen girls at Destination, but I closed my eyes and shut out the image, just wanting to be in the moment.
As the set wore on, the beat of the music shook the room. Strobe lights flashed, and the smoke machine pumped out clouds of white mist. The crowd swelled again, swallowing Jas and Hugh, and crushing Alex and me together, my buttocks grinding against his hips. My T-shirt rose up, and his fingers grazed my bare midriff, making me gasp.
