by Tara Bond
“So it was blood money,” I said.
“Something like that.” She smiled ruefully. “I went to Duncan with my suspicions. To be honest, even then I hadn’t put two and two together. I thought maybe there was something wrong with the car your father had been driving—that it hadn’t been properly serviced or something. But Duncan broke down and told me everything.”
“And that’s why you didn’t want anything to do with him after that.”
“Yes. I didn’t know what else to do. By then, there were no marks on the car. No proof of what had gone on.”
“Which was why you couldn’t go to the police, either,” I filled in. I shook my head in disgust.
“It changed everything, you know.” My mother spoke in a low voice. I looked over at her. The moonlight peeked through the window and caught the silver tears on her cheek. “Once I knew what had really happened . . . and that I couldn’t bring it to light . . . I felt like I’d betrayed your father. Like somehow I was part of the conspiracy.”
As she said that, a memory caught hold. Early on, after my father’s death, she’d been sad, but she’d still been our mother—she’d still looked after us. But it was six months after his death that she’d fallen apart—and that the drinking had started.
“Is that why you began drinking?”
She gave a rueful smile. “It was stupid, I know. And it hurt you and April so much. But it was my way of dulling the pain. Just for a little while at least.”
In that moment I began to understand her a bit more. It must have been a terrible burden to carry—knowing that someone you loved hadn’t got the justice they deserved. And then feeling like you’d been given money to cover up the true circumstances of their death. I could only begin to imagine how alone she must have felt.
We sat quietly for a while. It was me who finally broke the silence.
“Well, what do we do now? Do we go to the police?”
She looked at me. “We could. But Alex would probably go to jail. Do you really want that?”
I thought about it for a moment. I honestly didn’t know how I felt. How was it possible to love and hate someone so much? I could go to the police and destroy his life. But would it make me feel any better? And would it bring my father back?
It was funny. I’d always known Alex would break my heart. I just hadn’t thought it would be like this.
My mother was studying me closely.
“You love him, don’t you?” she said.
“I did.” It was an honest answer.
“And now?”
“How can I after what he’s done?”
Tears blurred my eyes. I wasn’t even aware of just how hard I was crying until I heard the scrape of my mum’s chair. A second later, she was kneeling down next to me, folding me into her arms.
“Oh, poppet,” she said, and I could hear the anguish in her voice. It matched my own. “This isn’t fair, is it? None of it is fair.”
I was crying too hard to answer. She held me close, stroking my hair and murmuring reassurances as I sobbed against her. It was the first time for years that she’d taken care of me. And right now, I was happy to let her.
Chapter 27
The next couple of days passed in a blur. Jas came back from Paris, and called me to say that she was engaged. That, at least, Alex hadn’t lied about—Hugh had told him that he was thinking of proposing to Jas. Despite my warning her about Hugh, he’d actually decided to make a very formal and very public commitment to her.
I was genuinely pleased for Jas, and I tried not to let her know that anything was wrong, not wanting to ruin her moment. I thought I’d been doing a good job, until she said, “So out with it.”
“With what?”
“With whatever’s going on between you and Alex.” I froze, shocked that she’d seen through me so easily. “And don’t try to pretend there’s nothing wrong,” she said quickly, anticipating exactly what I was going to do. “I know full well that something’s up. Every time I’ve mentioned his name, you’ve been conspicuously silent.”
I thought about it for a second, and decided I might as well get it out of the way now. “We’ve broken up. And I don’t want to talk about it.”
Jas swore under her breath. “Let me guess—he cheated on you, the rotten bastard.”
It was a fair guess, and I didn’t want to deny it and risk her prying further, so I just said, “It’s over. That’s all I’m saying.” That left it sufficiently ambiguous for Jas to draw her own conclusions.
“Oh, babes.” Her heartfelt sigh said everything. “I can’t believe it. I know Alex could always be a bit wild, but I genuinely thought he’d changed for you. I guess what they say about a leopard and its spots is right, eh?”
I agreed that it was, and then switched the conversation back to her wedding plans. She seemed to get the message that I wanted to talk about something else, and resumed gushing about dresses and venues and guest lists. I listened carefully, trying to match her enthusiasm, and hoping that it would fill the hollow feeling in my stomach.
* * *
“Nina?” I was leaving work the following evening when I heard Alex’s voice. I did a double-take when I saw him. He looked terrible—he was pale and unshaven, his eyes red and hollow. He seemed thinner, too, his usually strapping body a little hunched, as though he hadn’t eaten. He stood a safe distance away from me, as though he wasn’t sure how I’d react to him being there. “Can we talk?”
It was three days since I’d found out. He’d called and left dozens of messages on my phone, none of which I’d returned. But I’d known we’d have to discuss everything at some point. Now seemed as good a time as any.
“Fine,” I said. “But I don’t have long.”
He wanted to go to a coffee shop, but I knew we wouldn’t be able to talk properly with people around, so I suggested a place I knew would be empty—a nearby churchyard.
It was the dead of winter, and it was dark and cold there. Even with my gloves on, my fingers were numb. I jammed my hands into my pockets as we perched on a low wall. I could feel the cold brickwork through my jeans, but I refused to show any discomfort. Given the weather, at least our meeting would be brief.
Alex looked exhausted, and I guessed he hadn’t slept well since the news had come out. Well, that made two of us.
“So what do you want to say?” I said.
“Just that I’m sorry.” He waited a beat. “And I miss you.”
I shook my head in disgust, and looked away. I couldn’t help noticing how the trees were stripped bare and the leaves were mush on the ground. Patches of green moss had formed on the grey headstones. The place looked as desolate as I felt.
“I just don’t understand why you did it,” I said finally.
Alex sighed. “I didn’t realise how drunk I was that night. I knew the roads well. No one else used them. I didn’t think—”
“No. I’m not talking about the night of the accident. I’m saying that I don’t understand how you could pursue me like that. How you could sleep with me.”
“It’s because I fell in love with you.”
“Oh, please.” I scoffed at the answer. “You’ve already told me the only reason you went after me was to get revenge on your father.”
“At first, yes. You were this annoying, sanctimonious Goody Two-shoes, who the father I detested had warned me to stay away from. But then I got to know you. And I fell in love with how strong and self-reliant you were; how you were clever and witty and resourceful; how you were so passionate about saving your sister. You weren’t like any girl I’d ever met.”
I couldn’t say anything to that. It was everything I’d wanted to hear from a guy—but just not from him, not now after I knew what he’d done.
“Like I told you before, after that night at Rexley, I tried to stay away from you. But it was too late by then. I was already too far gone. I wanted you, and I convinced myself that meant more than everything that had happened in the past. My feelings for yo
u took over any sense of logic.”
I thought about how he’d helped me anonymously with the flat and job. When I’d confronted him, he’d tried to dismiss me at first, but I’d pushed him into admitting his feelings. Still, I wasn’t the one who should feel bad here. “And you think that makes it all right? You think I should just forgive you?”
“No! Of course not. I’m just trying to explain—”
“There’s nothing to explain.” I kept my voice deliberately flat and unemotional. Otherwise, I would have broken down. “You were joyriding drunk in a car that killed my father. What more is there to say?”
He was silent for a moment, and then said, “Just that I’ve changed. These past few months, getting to know you, made me want to be a better person. I love you. And I want to put things right between us. Whatever it takes.” He shook his head, as though trying to work out how to prove to me that he was sincere. “I’ll give up drinking. There’ll be no more parties. I’ll get a proper job.” His voice had taken on a tinge of desperation. “Whatever it takes to prove to you that you can trust me.”
I hadn’t expected the rush of tears, or the tightening of my throat. I’d wanted to stay angry with him, because it was the easiest way to stop myself from feeling so hurt and bereft. The problem was, I still loved him—even the knowledge of what he’d done couldn’t take that away. But I also knew there was no way I could ever be with him now.
And I think deep down he knew that, too.
We stared at each other for a long moment, the weight of what we felt for each other hanging between us. Alex must have mistaken my silence for me thawing, because he took a step towards me. He didn’t attempt to touch me, but he was so close that I could feel the heat coming from his body.
He looked at me with undisguised hunger.
“I miss you,” he said.
“I miss you, too.”
I genuinely did. Now that my anger had subsided, I could remember how much he meant to me.
“Nina—”
His hand came up to touch my cheek. I could tell he was about to bend his head to kiss me, and part of me wanted to let him. But I still couldn’t bring myself to be with him. It would feel like a betrayal of my father—my family. But most of all, of myself. Because whatever he said, there was no way I could ever trust him again.
Maybe I could have forgiven the sixteen-year-old boy who’d recklessly killed my father, but not the twenty-two-year-old man who’d deceived me for all those months—who had made me fall in love with him even though he must have known the truth would come out one day.
I stepped away from Alex, out of his reach. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I just can’t. So please, I’m begging you, let me go. Don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
I turned and hurried away. This time, he didn’t follow.
* * *
My mother was waiting on the sofa for me when I got home. I’d called her briefly to tell her that I was going to talk to Alex, but I’d been too upset after our conversation to let her know how it had gone.
“So you saw him then?” she said.
I nodded.
“How was that?” I shrugged, and she gave a rueful smile. “That bad, huh?”
She patted the sofa next to her. I went to her without hesitation.
I’d done a lot of thinking in the last couple of days. I knew I needed to put Alex from my mind and move on with my life. At first, I’d felt vengeful. I’d talked again and again about going to the police—always to my mother, because she was the only one who knew what was going on. She didn’t tell me not to—she just listened, and said that it was my decision to make.
But now that I’d fully calmed down, I knew I couldn’t go through with it. It felt like it would stir up too much unhappiness. It wasn’t so much Alex I was protecting as April. She’d made her peace with our father’s death. Why start stirring things up now?
“I’m going to let it go,” I told my mother. That was the one good thing to come out of all this—we were much closer. I finally understood what had driven her to the bottle all these years, and now that she had someone to share the burden of knowledge with, she seemed more content, too.
“And what does that mean for the two of you?”
I frowned. “Nothing! I couldn’t stand to be with him again after that.”
She sighed. “Nina, I saw the way you two were with each other. It’s hard to find someone you feel that way about. You’re lucky if that comes along once in your lifetime. And try to remember he’s a different person now. He isn’t the stupid boy he once was. He would never do the same thing again—”
“So that makes it all right? What he did to Dad?”
“I’m not saying that—”
“You honestly think I should forgive him?” There was rank disbelief in my voice. “How can you even consider that?”
She sighed. “Because these things are never black-and-white. You need to have empathy for other people. And forgiveness, too. You don’t know what the circumstances were—”
“I can guess. He was drunk and stupid.”
“And very young, don’t forget. He’s had to live with what he did. That must have been hard.”
“Yeah. So hard that he drank and partied his way through life for the next six years. And then tricked me into going out with him.” The bitterness in my voice took even me by surprise. I shook my head, needing to say what I felt. “You don’t seem to get it. Even if I could get over what he did to Dad six years ago, I can’t forgive him for what he’s done to me these past few months. He lied to me. He tricked me. And I hate him for that.”
Mum winced. She reached out and covered my hand with her own.
“Try not to be angry, sweetheart. Don’t let this ruin any more of your life than it already has. I think you’ll feel better if you’re able to find a way to forgive Alex, and try to understand this from his point of view. You aren’t the only one hurting.”
I could see what she meant. I knew I could be judgemental and unforgiving. I’d held a grudge against my mother for years, but now that I understood why she’d turned to alcohol, I’d been able to forgive her.
But that would never happen with Alex. I couldn’t get past what he’d done.
Chapter 28
Six months later
I tried to move on with my life. I concentrated on work and my family. April did well in her end-of-year exams, and seemed to have put the foster home experience behind her. She asked me a couple of times about what had happened to Alex, but after a while she got the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it.
Thankfully I was able to avoid seeing Alex. If I’d still been working at Destination, it would have been painful seeing him regularly. To my surprise, he’d also honoured my wishes, and had not tried to contact me. I’d been expecting drunken phone calls, and pleas to take him back, but to my relief I heard nothing.
But I knew inevitably at some point we’d run into each other, especially with the date of Jas and Hugh’s wedding coming up. I was chief bridesmaid and he was best man—there was no way we’d be able to avoid each other.
Alarm bells should have started ringing when I tried to plan the hen night. I kept asking Jas what she wanted to do, and she was strangely evasive. Finally, six weeks before the wedding, she took me out to a little coffee shop, and broke it to me that she and Hugh wanted a joint hen and stag night—at Destination, where they’d first met.
“I’ll understand if you don’t want to come,” she said. “I know it’s not going to be easy, with Alex and everything . . .”
I was touched by her selflessness. She still didn’t know the reason why we’d broken up, but she obviously sensed it was something bad enough to still be painful.
“Don’t be silly.” I forced a smile. “Of course I’ll be there. I’m going to have to see him at the rehearsal dinner and the wedding anyway. I might as well get it over with.”
To my surprise, Jas didn’t look as pleased by my decision as I�
��d expected her to be. “That’s great.” She dropped a sugar cube into her coffee, and stirred it slowly. “I’m really pleased you’ll be there . . .”
“But?” I prompted.
She sighed, and put down her spoon, pushing her coffee away untouched. “But I have to warn you about Alex.” She paused for a beat. “He won’t be there alone.”
I let out a harsh laugh. “That’s hardly a surprise. I fully expected him to be there with an entourage of beautiful models, no doubt drunk and high, too. Honestly, Jas—I’m not that naïve!”
But she was shaking her head. “No, that’s not it at all.” She sighed again, and I could tell how difficult she was finding it. “I mean, at first, after you guys broke up, that’s what me and Hugh expected, too. We were waiting for him to go off the rails. But he didn’t. Don’t get me wrong,” she said quickly. “He was devastated, spent a lot of time at our place, talking to Hugh. Slept on our couch for a couple of weeks.” She rolled her eyes. “It kind of got a bit boring, actually. But he held it together—didn’t slip back into his old ways.”
This was all news to me. Jas and I had studiously avoided talking about Alex these past months. Of course, I knew she must have been seeing him, through Hugh, but I’d never asked about him. I hadn’t wanted to know. Now I did.
“So what are you saying?”
Jas sat back in her chair. “I’m saying he’s cleaned up his act. He’s stopped partying and sleeping around, and thrown himself into work. He’s setting up his own business. Opening a hotel.”
I didn’t say anything at first. I’d fully expected him to have fallen back into his old ways, and I’d prepared myself for that. I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to the news. “Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” I tried to sound nonchalant. Somehow, from the way Jas was acting, I had a nasty feeling that there was going to be a catch to all this.
“Yes, it is,” she said carefully, avoiding my eyes.
I was trying to work out what she wasn’t telling me. Then I got it. “So who’s he bringing along?”
She looked up at me then. “She’s called Helen. She’s a lawyer. Very nice and intelligent. They’ve only been seeing each other for the past couple of months—”
