Deadly Dreams

by Averi Hope

  Her chest heaved. “I haven’t.”

  “More lies?” he hissed the words. “How long?” he demanded.

  The room hummed with tension, like the ground sizzling after a strike of lightning.

  “Since the first time I met you.” She put her hands on her knees and pressed her face into her palms. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  Knowing the truth and hearing it out loud were two entirely different things. Every muscle in his body stood tense. His lips moved without his mind processing the words. “I will never forgive you for what you’ve done. Anything that might have been between us is gone. In fact, I hate you.”

  “Caleb,” she whispered, not looking up at him. “You don’t understand.”

  But he did understand. This woman was an imposter. An actress playing her part so well he’d convinced himself she was real. He could never love a liar.

  She’s my mate. I have no choice.

  The thought burned in the back of his mind, but it was wrong. He did have a choice. He chose to live a life without love. He might never be able to have another woman. He might never be able to entirely let her go, but he would move on with his life. Over time, the gaping hole in his chest would heal.

  His life would be empty. Incomplete. But incomplete was better than having this weak, treacherous female.

  Anything was better.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Erin paused outside the elevator door, leaning against the wall of the hall. Thankfully, no one was watching her in such a weak state. Her legs shook, and her thoughts churned slowly in her mind.

  It’s the medicine, she thought. Not what Caleb said.

  She touched her stomach. Beneath her uniform, her stomach had been wrapped by the healer on her father’s team. The broken rib hurt less with the painkiller, but it was still difficult to breathe. She felt as if she had broken glass scraping along her lungs.

  But at least the princess is safe. She didn’t know what the hell her father had said, but a shuttle had left with the princess, the king, and a team of security guards not long after Erin had returned from her mission.

  I wonder how much longer it will be before Ambassador Eupher and Lord Dry-fen know their kidnapping attempt went terribly wrong? We’ll have to keep a close eye on them, or they’ll make a run for it.

  Moving cautiously down the hall, she leaned heavily against the wall. I don’t want to think of any of that now. All I want to do is lie down. Her wrist gave a throb of protest, but even though she knew the ropes had cut deeply into her flesh, the strange compound the healer had smeared on her hid the marks from view. The same compound had sealed and concealed the cut on her throat.

  I look just fine. I just wish I felt as good.

  She wondered if Caleb would’ve been so cruel if he’d known what she’d been through. Caleb. Her throat constricted. He knew. He knew what she’d been doing all these years, and he hated her for it. A sob built in her chest.

  This time I’ve really done it. I’ve lost him for good.

  Blinking away tears, she hit the button next to her door, rounding her shoulders as she heard the elevator doors open and loud crewmembers exit. The second she could, she stumbled into her cabin and slid onto the couch.

  Pressing her face into her hands, she sobbed. Right now, she should be feeling good after a successful mission. Her father’s team was going to scan the prince’s necklace and determine what, if any, information was stored there. They’d already checked on the nanos in the Vuret’s body, and they were working flawlessly.

  Soon Ahmed will pay for every woman he’s hurt.

  But still, she felt like a failure. She’d always considered herself confident, almost arrogant in her belief that she could handle anything that life threw at her. After years of undergoing painful surgeries on her brain as a child, she’d found a way to seal away all her doubt and fears, to live life because she knew what a precious gift it was.

  Yet, today she’d been afraid. Terrified. She hadn’t wanted to die. She hadn’t wanted to be raped. The whole experience left her raw, aching for comfort. If there had ever been a time when she wanted to curl up with Caleb and feel his love and strength, it was now.

  But he won’t. He will never hold me or love me again.

  She sobbed harder.

  “Sweetie?”

  Erin’s head shot up. Her mother stood just behind the couch. Feeling foolish, she rubbed at the tears streaming down her face. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to see you.” She wasn’t wearing her uniform, but a red blouse and neat black pants. Her pale brown hair flowed around her round face, and as always, her lips were painted a stunning scarlet. “What happened?”

  Erin couldn’t face her mom. Not in this moment. Not when she felt like every wall, every defense she’d ever put into place to face the world had crumbled down.

  Her mother sat down beside her. A hesitant hand reached out and took her own.

  At first, Erin’s hand lay clenched in her mother’s, but slowly, she relaxed.

  “Your father told me about the mission…at least the basic details.” She paused. “I’m proud of how you handled yourself, even though I think it was ridiculous to ever have you act as the sacrificial lamb in this whole dangerous idea.”

  “No, Mom, I wanted this.”

  She squeezed her daughter’s hand harder. “No, you wanted to help stop a monster, that doesn’t mean you wanted to be in danger.”

  “Mom—“

  “No.” She turned her, holding her gaze. “You’re my child. I know you better than you know yourself.”

  Erin laughed, a hollow sound that exploded before she could stop it. “We’ve barely seen each other since I started training for the academy, and that was years ago.”

  Her mother’s red lips turned into a sad smile. “It doesn’t matter.” She touched her chest with one hand. “You are my child. You’re a part of me in a way that no one else will ever understand.”

  Guilt blossomed in her chest. “I just meant that I chose to be a Starflight commander. It’s a position I knew would lead to danger, so I’m not exactly unprepared for this kind of thing.”

  “Stop it,” her mom said, shaking her head. “You can tell that to your father, and even to yourself. But you can’t fool me. Beneath that arrogant little stride of yours is the heart of a little girl who experienced pain and fear unlike anything most people could imagine.” She froze, her eyes filling with tears. “I can still picture so vividly in my mind, my tiny girl, strapped to that table, screaming, writhing in pain. I can hear the sounds of your suffering in my sleep. Sometimes I can even see you. Your head wrapped in bandages, those big green eyes of yours enormous as you pleaded for me to kill you.”

  “Mom…” Erin didn’t know what to say. Those memories…the ones that haunted her nightmares, she tried to pretend they weren’t real. The thought that her mom remembered them so vividly somehow breathed life into them.

  She shivered. “Mom, that was a long time ago.”

  “I know,” she said, voice shaking as she wiped a tear from her cheek. “But the little girl is still right here. All grown up, but still the same. That child who looked me in the eye and said, ‘no one should suffer like this.’ I saw you try to figure out how to help others, how to protect them, and then you became obsessed with joining the Earth fleet.”

  Erin felt like a deflated balloon. Somehow, remembering that she’d once been a victim made her feel weak. She didn’t want to remember that desperate child who wanted to change the world. She wanted to be nothing more than a strong women, hell-bent on succeeding in this world.

  But we’re the same.

  She closed her eyes. “I wanted to help people. But…”

  Can I really tell her the secret I’ve buried so deep I never thought to speak it aloud?

  Opening her eyes, she held her mother’s gaze. “I don’t want to keep Dream Jumping.”

  Her mother pulled her into a hug. “My sweet, sweet girl. You
shouldn’t have to! That operation wasn’t your choice. You didn’t want this power, and you shouldn’t have to keep using it.”

  Tears rolled down her cheeks. “But I help so man—many people. I just want to prove that I can keep help—ing. I just…”

  “You just what?” Her mother pulled back, no judgment in her kind features.

  “I just hate Dream Jumping.” She clenched her teeth as they chattered. Why was she suddenly so cold? “Do you know what it’s like to see into the minds of the most despicable people in the world? I’ve seen so many things…things I can never unsee. Things that haunt me.” She took a deep breath. “I have to be Lieutenant Commander Erin Stowe, because just Erin…she’s afraid of everything, Mom.”

  Her mother stiffened, her eyes flashing. “Mark my words, you’re never going to Dream Jump again.”

  “No.” Erin rose on shaking legs, suddenly feeling panicked. “I can’t just hide my eyes and pretend that monsters don’t exist. I want to help…just maybe, I can help like I did today. I can go on missions and—“

  “The world is not your responsibility! I can’t tell you how long I’ve been wanting to put a stop to this.” Her mother rose, too. “Ten. You were ten the first time they exploited your gift. Did you know that?”

  Erin nodded. “I’d finally thought I was almost normal. Yeah, I accidently slipped into the dreams of my friends and family, but it wasn’t so bad. And then that day everything changed.”

  The older woman placed her hands on her hips. “Well, now it’s going to change again. You’ve done your time. They’ll just have to go back to catching the scum of the world without putting you through hell.”

  God, if only. “Wait, listen.”

  Her mom’s gaze softened. “Always.”

  “I want to do this one last thing. I want to catch Ahmed. And then…then I’m going to ask them to release me.”

  Silence enveloped the room.

  Please, please let her understand. I won’t feel safe until he’s caught.

  And you’ll feel too guilty to finally ask them if you can stop.

  “Why is this so important to you?”

  Erin wrapped her arms around herself. “I don’t know, but I just need to do this.”

  They stared at each other. Mother and daughter.

  “All right. This last mission. Then, it’s done. Just remember, my daughter, you only get one life. So live it the way you want.”

  “I can’t without Caleb.”

  “Caleb?” Her mother stared.

  Crap, did I just say that out loud?

  “Sit and tell me.”

  The older women went to the small kitchen and reached into a brown sack Erin hadn’t noticed before. Erin moved slowly back to the couch and closed her eyes, leaning her head back. She’d barely spoken to her mother over the years. And when she did, she’d kept things superficial. It just felt as if they were living two different lives.

  And you were angry with her.

  It was true. A part of her never forgave her mother for the operation. Even though it saved your life. Never forgave her for waking alone, screaming, suffering from a burning that seemed to light her head on fire.

  But you forgave Father. Yes, but Father wasn’t weak like Mother. Her mother had failed to protect her. Her mother lived her life in the comfortable bubble of her father’s position, while Erin fought to be healthy, to be strong. She fought to learn how to walk, read, and write again. Every step she took was small and riddled with pain that kept her awake at night. But she never gave up, because she didn’t want to be her mother. She wanted to be a powerful woman who could stand on her own two feet.

  Maybe it’s time to let go? To move on.

  It wasn’t as if she had a surplus of friends, of people to confide in. Her closest friend, William, had betrayed her without thinking twice. Perhaps she couldn’t afford to throw away people.

  “I’m in love with him,” she admitted.

  “So, what’s the problem?”

  She laughed, a terribly sad sound. “A better question is, what isn’t a problem.” Taking a deep breath, she took a step, right off a cliff. “I don’t want to be you, Mom. I don’t want to throw away my career for a man.”

  Opening her eyes, she glanced at her mom.

  The woman picked two mugs off the table and walked toward her, but to Erin’s surprise, she was smiling. “Is that what you think happened?” She set the two mugs of steaming dark liquid on the table.

  “Well, yeah.”

  Her laugh was like the jingling of bells. “Darling, I didn’t give up my career for your father. I gave it up for something far better.” Her dark gaze connected with Erin’s. “I gave it up for you.”

  Erin inhaled sharply.

  “Take this,” her mom said, pushing the mug into her hand, “I got some real Earth hot chocolate, your favorite.”

  Reflectively, her hand curled around the hot cup. “What do you mean, for me?”

  Her mother settled back in the chair beside the couch, and put her slippered feet up on the table, crossing her ankles. “I got pregnant with you while I was attending the academy. The yearly shot didn’t work for me, for reasons no one could quite figure out, but it didn’t really matter.”

  “So you quit the academy because you were pregnant?”

  She took a sip of her hot chocolate. “Not exactly. I saw no reason I couldn’t finish. I wasn’t due with you until a couple of months after graduation.” She cleared her throat. “But then I found out about your brain.”

  Numbly, Erin reached up and touched the tiny scar just below her hairline. “You had other options.”

  An anger like fire spread across the older woman’s face. “No, I didn’t. You were mine. Mine from the first time I saw you, a squishy shape that didn’t quite look human on the scanners. Your heartbeat, so incredibly strong. They told me you’d never survive outside of my womb, and I told them all they could go fuck themselves.” She inhaled sharply and sat up. “I started researching. I found options, choices. But I couldn’t get you the help you needed and complete my time at the academy, so I made the only choice I could make.”

  Erin rubbed at the goose pimples that had spread across her arms. “You gave up your dreams for me.”

  “No, sweetie,” her mom said, smiling, “you became my new dream.”

  She hung her head, tears filling her eyes. I’m such a fool. My mom gave everything up for me, and what did I do in return? I was embarrassed by her. I looked down on her.

  “I didn’t know.”

  Erin took a deep breath, trying to push back the explosion of tears threatening to unleash themselves. “I ruined our relationship based on so many misunderstandings.”

  Her mom laughed again, her beautiful laugh. “We’re sitting together drinking hot chocolate. Does it look like our relationship is ruined?”

  I’ll never be able to forgive myself for keeping such a distance between my mother and myself all these years.

  “Is your hot chocolate good?”

  With numb hands, Erin raised the mug to her lips and sipped. “It’s really good. It tastes just the way it did when I was a kid.” Memories poured forth as she drank it again. “What’s that flavor?”

  “My secret recipe.” Her mom leaned forward and whispered, “Just a pinch of salt.”

  Despite herself, Erin smiled. “It’s delicious. Thank you.”

  “Now, do you want to tell me about Caleb?”

  So, Erin started talking. And once she started, she couldn’t stop. She told her all about the academy. About their time together. How Caleb had saved her life. And about when she’d let him walk away, followed by her frantic, desperate message that he’d never returned.

  Barely breathing between sentences, she gave her the PG version of her Dream Jumping with Caleb, and their time together since working on The Odyssey. When she finished, her mother’s expression was calm.

  “Well, at least this is a simple problem.”

  Erin shook her head. “Y
ou’re joking, right?”

  “No,” her mom said, setting down her mug. “All you need to do is tell Caleb how you feel and apologize for lying to him and breaking his trust.”

  “But he said he didn’t love me. He said he didn’t want anything to do with me again.”

  She grinned, waving away her daughter’s words with a hand. “Men are all bark and no bite. He was angry. He didn’t mean a word of it.” When Erin’s frown only deepened, she continued, “From what you’ve told me, the Keltair has chosen you as his mate, so he’s not just going to throw away his partner for life.”

  His what? “Huh?”

  Her mother’s brows rose. “Erin, you can’t tell me you don’t actually know…my God, you don’t. Well, you never were a big fan of studying about different cultures. Keltairs mate for life, darling. So, for him, it’s either you or no one.”

  Erin put a hand over her mouth. It couldn’t be true. Could it?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Throughout the week, Caleb had managed to either avoid Erin altogether or make certain when they did speak, it wasn’t privately. But you can’t keep this up forever. He angrily pushed the thought aside. He could, and he would.

  As he leaned back against the headboard of his bed, he stared at his silky blue sheets. His bed had never felt emptier. His life had never felt emptier. But when he watched Erin desperately trying to engage him in conversation, all he could think was: she tied me to her purposely, even though I was nothing more than a plaything to her. The knowledge always brought his anger freshly to the surface, threatening to boil over like a Vitrian soup pot.

  And thankfully, his dreams had become strangely gray. He knew they weren’t as real as they’d been when she’d entered them. The shocking difference made him realize that he should’ve known something was wrong all along. What was I suppose to think, that she had a superpower and could slip into my head?

  It didn’t matter. The Erin in his dreams now acted exactly the way he wanted, and not at all like her. The woman’s touch lacked fire. And passion. And when he woke, his chest swelled with a sadness that made his entire body ache.