Unexpected Consequences

by Sloan Johnson

  “Tommy, can we please talk about this later?” Zeke rubs the back of his neck, staring at his feet.

  “No, I don’t think we can,” Tommy replies. “I think you’d better start talking pretty fucking fast so I can help you do some fucking damage control.”

  Zeke’s head snaps up, shocked at Tommy’s reaction. I told that fool that it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought, as long as he was honest with people. And Tommy might be the one he needs on his side the most. Tommy knows what it’s like to be a part of this family, which seems to be a huge sticking point for Zeke.

  I look down the hill to see most of the family getting back to whatever they were doing before Zeke’s outburst. Whether it’s because they’re bored or disgusted, I don’t care. I’m simply grateful that we don’t a huge audience right now.

  “What do you want me to say?” Zeke shrugs and I want to slap him. He’s pulling back into the shell he uses for protection when things get too real for him. “Like I said, Jeff and I are together. Do you want me to draw you a picture? Maybe see if we have any pics on our cameras?”

  “Don’t pull that passive-aggressive bullshit with me,” Tommy snaps, poking a finger into Zeke’s chest. Size wise, the men are evenly matched. Right now, I know the driving force is emotion, something the Reed boys seem to have in spades. “What about Mary? Did you bring her so the focus wouldn’t be on the fact that you brought him?”

  “No, it’s not like that.” Zeke takes a step back, but keeps his head high, looking Tommy straight in the eye as he speaks. “We’re all together. Me and Mary, Me and Jeff, and Mary and Jeff. At first, it was nothing more than sex. Things worked well because none of us wanted anything more…”

  “So what changed?” Tommy presses when Zeke doesn’t continue. He ducks down, trying to make eye contact with Zeke, who seems to be fascinated by something on the ground. Long moments pass without him saying anything and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m going to have to step in. I don’t want to because it’s not my story to tell, but if that’s what it takes for Tommy to understand what’s going on, I’ll do it.

  “And then Mary got hit by a car,” he finally finishes. It’s one of the few times he’s actually mentioned the accident. Most of the time, he’ll say “that night” or something similar in reference to it, but I know the night of the accident, and the weeks following, were a low point in his life that he has tried to lock away. I’ve tried getting him to talk about it, make him realize that his reaction was normal and that he’s not less of a man because of it, but without much luck.

  “I get it,” Tommy says, wrapping his arm around his cousin. “Of all the people you know, you could have talked to me.”

  “Because you’ve realized that you’re falling for two people at the same time? Or that one of them is a man?” he bites back. “I love you and all, but I don’t see why you think I should have come running to you.”

  Tommy looks over his shoulder to where Mary and Holly are deep in conversation. Mary looks like she would rather be anywhere but here and Holly is much like I am, just waiting for the Reed boys to start throwing punches. I wink at them, hoping they will understand that the dust is starting to settle a bit.

  “Dude, don’t you remember how I was after the night Nick attacked Holly? I spent every fucking day at the hospital, sitting with a girl who didn’t even know my name. I understand the way tragedy can make you open your eyes to certain things.” He shakes his head, remembering that time in his life. “And then, she woke up and told me to get the fuck out. And what did I do? I let Tasha convince me that she should move in with me. Sometimes, it takes getting scared to realize what you want and need.”

  “Fuck, I didn’t even think of that,” I mumble, feeling like an idiot. I’ve been telling myself that Tommy wouldn’t understand, but hearing him talk and seeing the way he’s looking at Jeff right now, I know I fucked up big time. It might be different if I told him I had hooked up with some other guy, but this is Jeff. The man Tommy credits for helping get Holly’s life straightened out. “I’m sorry.”

  “So, I’m assuming this is one of those things that took you completely by surprise?” The way Tommy poses the question, it feels like he’s giving me an out. And it would be an easy one. I could tell him that yes, I was shocked when I followed Jeff out of the diner and gave him directions to my place that first time. That I’ve never considered the idea of being with a man. But I can’t do that. I’ve kept too much in for too long and it’s time he knows the truth.

  “Not really,” I say with a shrug. “But until Jeff, it was one of those things that was in the back of my mind that I didn’t think I would ever act on. And since I didn’t think it would be anything more than random thoughts, I didn’t see the need to tell anyone.”

  “How long?” Tommy’s shoulders are still tense, but I’m no longer waiting for him to punch me in the jaw.

  “How long what?” I ask, not sure I want to divulge more than he wants to know. I’ve already said way more than I planned to in front of the entire family.

  “How long have you two, well you three, been together?” It’s comforting to see Tommy calmed down enough that he wants to know more about what’s been going on in my life. Looking around, seeing Holly and Mary chatting amongst themselves, pretending they aren’t eavesdropping, I feel like an even bigger ass. A huge, cowardly ass. We could have all been hanging out if not for my bullshit insecurities. That will end. Today.

  I purposely keep my voice low, knowing my aunts who are walking up the hill are trying to be nosy. “It started back in December, I guess. But it wasn’t until about a month after the accident that we decided we wanted something more than play partners.”

  Silence surrounds us again, Tommy looking from me to Jeff, shaking his head. “Fuck, you never cease to amaze me, Z.” When he pulls me into a tight hug, I know that just as with Dylan, Tommy and I will be okay. “I think I need a beer or six after that,” he laughs. “Think you can stay out of trouble for about two minutes until I get back?”

  “Yeah, I think I can manage,” I chuckle. As he walks away, I step closer to Jeff, hands buried deep in my pockets. “Is this where you say ‘I told you so’?”

  “Nope. I think you’re doing a pretty good job of that all on your own,” he chuckles. Maybe now that everything is out in the open, we can move on with our lives.

  “He does that shit to me too,” Holly laughs as she and Mary join us. “Pisses me off every time. And for the record, if you ever pull something like that again, Tommy won’t get to kick your ass because I will.” It’s laughable, the way Holly jabs her finger into my chest, trying to act menacing.

  “Someone once told me that Tommy and his friends could only love me if I let them. Went on and on about how accepting they are of people and their flaws. Any clue who might have said something like that?” When she cocks a pierced eyebrow at me, I can’t hold it together. She is so far from being a threat to me, I double over laughing. Mary and Jeff look at me as if I’ve lost my mind. And maybe I have, but this pint-size woman just completely threw my words back in my face and put me in my place.

  As much as I would love to sit with my friends and forget about the rest of the world, I know I won’t be able to hide from my mom forever. Every once in a while, I see her glancing over to where Tommy brought a cooler filled with beer, shaking her head. I know I’ve upset her, but if I’m being honest, I’m relieved that everyone in my life knows my darkest secret now. It’s up to them to accept it or not, but I refuse to let it change anything between us.

  I’m sitting with my back against a tree, Mary leaning against my chest. Every time she turns her head, I get a whiff of her cherry blossom shampoo and my cock hardens. If she’s noticed it, she’s not saying anything. Jeff is maintaining a safe distance from us. When I tried calling him out on it, he reminded me that just because his family knows about our relationship now, that doesn’t mean we should flaunt it in their faces. I hate it when he makes sense.

  “Ezekie
l, can I speak with you for a moment?” My mother is standing before me with her hands on her hips. That little spot at the base of my neck tightens, knowing this isn’t going to be pleasant. She never uses my full name. I look over to Tommy who raises his hands as if to tell me I’m on my own. Looks like this is one jam he’s not even going to attempt to help me out of.

  “Yes, mother,” I respond, rolling to my knees before standing. I see Jeff moving to join me and I shake my head. I get that he is trying to be the supportive boyfriend, but right now that’s the worst thing he could do. If he needs to do something, I would much rather he play interference in case anyone else comes up trying to grill Mary on our relationship. As it turns out, most of the older generation in my family is appalled and praying for us while many of those our age are intrigued more than anything. Before I turn away from the group, Jeff reaches out to me, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

  I follow my mother down the trail away from the rest of the family. Neither of us say anything for what seems like an eternity. Coming to a clearing in the trees, she motions for me to take a seat on the park bench. I turn my head to look at her but she won’t meet my eyes. She’s staring into the distance, still silent.

  “Look, Mom,” I start, not knowing what it is I should say right now. I won’t apologize for the way I live my life because this afternoon has emphasized, yet again, how lucky I am to have both Jeff and Mary willing to put up with my impulsivity and mood swings. Trying to explain my lifestyle to her won’t work either because she has always made it abundantly clear that anything other than one man and one woman is a sin in her mind. So instead, the conversation dies after only two words.

  I’m sweating profusely, more from anxiety than the late June humidity. I swipe my hand across the back of my neck, wishing she would say something. Anything. Even her screaming at me, damning me to eternity in Hell would be better than the silence.

  “Mom, I know you’re upset with me,” I say quietly, reaching for her hand. She allows me to take it, finally looking at me. When her shoulders square, I brace myself for the brunt of her anger.

  “Zeke, upset doesn’t begin to describe what I’m feeling right now,” she sighs. Seeing my mother this way, refusing to look in my direction, her hand limply resting in mine, is exactly why I would have been content never exploring this side of myself. No matter how much I mean it when I say I want to live my own life on my own terms, it doesn’t change the fact that I never want to cause this woman pain.

  “Where did I go wrong with you?” she asks after another pregnant pause. A single tear trickles down her cheek. Fine lines mar the corners of her eyes and mouth. She used to tell me each wrinkle on her face was caused by one of my juvenile antics. If there was any truth to that, I have no doubt this latest revelation would age her twenty years or more.

  “You didn’t,” I assure her. I clench my teeth, resisting the urge to say most of what’s on my mind. It’s not easy, but I’m able to take a moment to come up with an answer I’m hoping will be enough for her. “There’s nothing you could have done that would change the person I am. You have to know that.”

  “I love you, but the Bible says ‘If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.’” She pulls back her hand, worrying the hem of her shorts. I hate it when my mother does this, she reverts to quoting Scripture any time she wants to justify her feelings. Unfortunately for her, I’ve spent plenty of time thinking about the Bible and how it relates to my own sexual orientation.

  “Mom, the God you taught me to believe in as a child doesn’t make mistakes,” I say firmly. I turn, propping my foot on the bench so I can look directly at her. If she won’t look me in the eye, at least I know I’m giving her my undivided attention. “And I don’t think that being homosexual or bisexual is a choice, it’s something that is just as much a part of who I am as having brown eyes or being double jointed.”

  “I don’t believe that,” my mother protests, vehemently shaking her head. “The Lord made it abundantly clear that homosexuality is a sin. You knew that and still chose to live this life.”

  Unable to contain my frustration, I run my hands along the side of my head, suddenly missing the hair that used to be there. I let out a deep breath, willing myself to stay patient with her. “Mom, do you really think I, or anyone else, would choose to live a life where their options are to hide their love when they’re not behind the safety of closed doors or face judgment and ridicule from most of society?”

  “Well, I don’t know about that, but as a Christian, you should do what pleases Him, not what pleases yourself.” She springs off the bench, hovering over me as she continues. “And what about that poor girl? She seems to have a good heart and it’s clear that she loves you. Why can’t you be happy with what that?”

  “I am happy with that, Mother,” I snap. “It just so happens that both of us also care about Jeff. If she’s happy and I’m happy and Jeff is happy, that’s all that matters to us.”

  “’But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.’ The Bible says nothing about each man having a wife and a husband. Nor does it say a woman should have two husbands!” She looks down on me with a smug grin on her face. It’s a side of my mother I’m not sure I’ve ever seen before and one I’m sure I could do without ever witnessing again. This isn’t the loving, nurturing woman who raised me, this is someone desperate to cling to her narrow-minded beliefs.

  I’m pretty sure it’s not possible for the day to get any worse at this point. No matter what I say, I know she’s going to keep spouting her holier-than-thou bullshit and, for the first time, I’m not willing to tell her she’s right simply to appease her. I have spent too many years of my life ignoring what I now see as a vital piece of who I am to allow her to demand that I turn my back on the two people who make me want to be a better man.

  Lucky for me, I actually paid attention in the confirmation classes Debora and Matteo Reed insisted I attend every week. “’Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.’ Two can play at that game, Mother.”

  “And what, exactly, are you implying?” she asks incredulously. When she turns to walk away from me, I reach for her, needing to know that she’s actually listening to what I’m about to say because I know that if I calm down, I won’t tell her what she needs to hear.

  “I’m saying that if falling in love with a man and a woman is a sin, that’s between me and God, not me and you.” I stand from the bench, ready to run back to the picnic area and tell Jeff and Mary it’s time to go as soon as I get this out. “But you need to remember that you’re just as much a sinner as I am, only with a different cross to bear. Perhaps you would be well served to take a look at yourself. Once you’re perfect, then you can tell me why I’m not.”

  I can’t look behind me as I walk back to the grassy field. I should be happy that I’m now fully living my life according to what I want, but I don’t. I feel like complete and utter shit. It wasn’t good enough for me to break my mom’s heart, I had to go and point out her flaws, calling her a hypocrite. Whether or not I feel that way, I was raised better than that.

  Jeff jumps to his feet when he sees me, reaching down to help Mary up from the ground. I quicken my pace, needing to be with them. I need to touch Jeff to reassure myself that what I’ve just done is worth it.

  I fist my hands into Jeff’s polo shirt, twisting as I push him backwards. For the first time in my life, I really don’t give a damn who’s watching. This is my man. Jeff lets out a low grunt when his
back crashes against a tree trunk. I stare directly into his blue eyes, searching for some sign of refusal. Seeing none, I crash my lips to his, my fists crushed between our bodies. After a brief moment of reluctance, Jeff’s mouth opens for me and I push my way deeper, kissing him as if I might never get the chance again. My hands drift down his chest, holding his hips as I rock into him. Nothing else matters right now, just me and him.

  “Zeke,” Mary hisses. I open one eye and see her glaring at me. What the fuck did I do now? “This is a family park, you might want to keep it PG.”

  I release Jeff, shaking my head to regain a bit of clarity. I don’t bother checking to see if we’re being watched because I have no doubt every eye is on me right now. At least they know my exchange with Tommy earlier was the real deal, not a prank. I reach for Mary’s hand and then Jeff’s, leading them back to the Jeep without saying goodbye to anyone. I’m pretty sure it’s better for everyone that way.

  “How’s Zeke doing?” Holly asks the second I step into Tasha’s place. We’re finally getting together for the girls’ day shopping trip Tasha wanted to make after they knew the sex of the baby. As much as I want to be excited for her, my mind is on overload from dealing with Zeke for the past six days.

  “As well as can be expected,” I say with a shrug. The truth is, Jeff and I can both see that he’s miserable, no matter how much he tells us otherwise. Family is the top priority to him and his mother hasn’t returned his phone calls since he stormed away from her in the park.

  He hasn’t shared everything that was said, but admitted that he might have stepped over a line when she wouldn’t stop hurling Bible verses his way. Secretly, I’m proud of him for finally standing up to her. He’s a grown man and needs to make his own decisions, not the ones that are going to make everyone but him happy. But if he feels the need to apologize for something that was said in anger, he should be allowed to.