Unexpected Consequences

by Sloan Johnson

As we pull into my driveway, I open the garage door. I don’t bother turning off the truck because I’m going to go into the office for the afternoon. They’re not expecting me, but it’s either bury myself in other people’s problems or face my own.

  “Well, I guess I’ll talk to you tonight,” Mary says uncertainly as she turns to get out of the truck. I reach for her, pulling her across the seat. She wraps her arms tightly around my neck, her face buried in my neck. “I love you, Jeff. Please don’t let one mistake ruin all of us.”

  “I know, baby.” I run my hand along her hair, praying she doesn’t break down. If she starts crying, I can’t promise that I won’t. As we hold one another tight, it feels like goodbye. “I love you too.”

  She kisses me tenderly and I swallow the lump in my throat. Her lips are soft, barely grazing mine. I want so much more than this, but I won’t push her. Until I know where things stand, I can’t allow myself to fall any deeper than I already have.

  I hide out at the recording studio until almost ten o’clock. I don’t want to go home because I’m not sure there’s anyone waiting there for me tonight. I’m not stupid enough to expect Jeff to be there, and given the fact that I’m the fuck-up, I have no reason to think Mary isn’t with him tonight. If I could turn the clock back twenty-four hours, I would have dropped Colton and Jon off at the door of their hotel and gone home. No drinks, maybe no bored cop, and definitely no angry Jeff.

  I’m just about out the door when Rain calls me back. “We need to talk,” she informs me when I turn around. She might still be a few months away from giving birth to her first child, but I’ll be damned if she hasn’t perfected her mom voice and the accompanying glare already.

  “What’s up?” I ask as if I’m in a hurry to get somewhere. I am. I want to be anywhere I can sit alone and wallow in my misery. Anywhere I don’t have a petite, pregnant woman with a blue streak in her hair glaring up at me with her hands on her hips.

  “You need to get your head out of your ass,” she says bluntly. “If you don’t, the shit you’re avoiding is going to eat away at you like acid.”

  She follows me out the door and we turn to walk down the street. It doesn’t seem to matter to her that I’m not in the mood to talk. She has something to say and she is going to let it out.

  “You might need to be more specific, Rain. Fucking up seems to be the one thing I’m good at lately.” I want nothing more than to step into the dive bar around the corner and lose myself in a pitcher of beer. It’s not like I’m driving home tonight, so I could easily get so shit-faced I can’t remember my name. The old Zeke wouldn’t have hesitated to do just that, but now, I feel as if I would be letting Jeff and Mary down if I did that.

  “What means the most to you?” she asks as we cross the side street. I swear, I can feel a magnetic pull, drawing me toward the bar. I resist, telling myself it wouldn’t be right to take a pregnant woman in there. “The way I see it, you have three main problems right now; Mary, Jeff and your family.”

  How in the hell does she know all that? Now I really want to tell her to mind her own fucking business. She, more than most people, should know how much it can fuck you up when people stick their noses where it doesn’t belong. It wasn’t too long ago that she tried quitting the band for that very reason.

  “You need to fix all of it. You’ll hate yourself if you don’t make up with your mom while you have the chance. And I’ve seen how much you love Jeff and Mary. They need to know that they’re more important than the other bullshit in your life.”

  As Rain keeps talking, I remember her going MIA for part of the day. It’s a long shot, but it’s the only thing that makes sense. “Let me guess, you talked to Mary today?”

  “Yep,” she says without an ounce of remorse. “I told her to call me if you needed a kick in the ass. I didn’t think she’d need to call me so soon, but I knew you didn’t have it as put together as you try to make it seem.”

  We keep walking, the Capitol coming into view. It might be a good idea to ask Rain if her husband knows she took off, but unlike me, she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I pull my keys out of my pocket, resigned to going inside to my empty condo filled with reminders of my many shortcomings.

  “Is this what you do for fun?” I ask her, ushering her through the front door of my building. “Find some idiot and try to fix him?”

  “No,” Rain laughs. She pulls her hair into a ponytail on top of her head as we walk into the elevator. “I just see a lot of me in you. I have so many regrets I’m not sure there’s enough therapy in the world to convince me that life goes on. But you, you have time to turn shit around. If I was you, I would start with your mom.”

  Rain gets a distant look in her eyes and I can practically see the regret bubbling to the surface. I know she lost her mom a little over a year ago, which makes me wonder if there was something left unresolved there. I don’t ask her if she wants to talk because I don’t have it in me to deal with any sort of emotional breakdown right now. The elevator opens and she follows me into the apartment.

  “Hey, you’re home!” Mary jumps off the couch, running over to me. She studies my face, probably looking to see if I’m pissed off at her for talking to Rain about our problems. I’m not because these two crazy women have somehow opened my eyes that I have two choices in life right now. I can either throw a big ass pity party for myself, running through a list of my failings, or I can do something about it.

  “Yeah, I’m home,” I say, tossing my keys toward the table. “Is Jeff here?” It’s a stupid question, but I need to know. Rain is right, I need to fix things with my mom, but I want to talk to Jeff first. I want to know that he has my back in case my mom won’t hear me out. It might be an unrealistic dream, but I can hope.

  Mary looks at her feet, shaking her head. “No, he said he was heading home tonight. He needed some time to clear his head.”

  It takes everything in me to hide my frustration. I’m pissed that, from the sounds of it, Jeff was over here before I got home and couldn’t be bothered to face me. Even if he wants to scream at me, tell me that I’m nothing but a fuck-up, it would be better than this. I still can’t figure out why he won’t bother listening to me. Seriously, I fucked up, but it’s not like I did it intentionally.

  “Oh, okay.” Out of habit, I head to the fridge for a beer. I reach for one, opting for a bottle of water instead. “Rain, I think I’m heading to bed. Do you need Mary to give you a ride back to the studio?”

  I feel like an ass because I’m not only bailing after essentially leading her here, but I’m volunteering Mary to get dressed and go back out tonight. Not like I can do anything about it seeing as my Jeep is still on the side of the road and I can’t drive for four more hours.

  “If Mary’s up for it, I’ll probably hang here for a bit. I’ll tell the guys where I’m at.” She looks over to Mary, who nods in agreement. “It’ll be fun, I don’t hang out with women very often. And I meant it when I said you need to hang onto this one, Zeke. She’s the good type of crazy.”

  “I’m trying,” I mutter under my breath. After giving Mary a hug and a kiss goodnight, I wrap my arm around Rain’s waist, kissing the top of her head chastely. I don’t fully understand it, but in the less than two weeks her band has been in town, they’ve become a vital part of our lives. Even long after they’re gone, I have a feeling Rain’s going to be the pesky little sister who refuses to butt the fuck out of my life. And I’m kind of okay with that.

  I’ve been trying for the past few days to work up the courage to follow Rain’s advice. At first, I reasoned with myself that I needed to talk to Jeff first and then face my mother. That I needed him there for me if she refuses to hear me out. It took a couple more impromptu sessions with Doctor Rain to get me to see how backwards that thinking was.

  “Look, I know you love him, but we both know there are no guarantees in life,” she says, taking a man-sized bite out of her veggie sub. How she’s not the size of an apartment complex, I have
no clue because the girl is always eating. “As much as I would love to tell you that once you get him to talk, everything will be back to hot and heavy like it used to be, there’s no way to know that for sure. But your mom, she’s the one who loves you unconditionally. Even when you piss her off and make choices she can’t get behind, she loves you.”

  I’ve noticed that every time she talks about the issues I’m having with my mother, she gets this faraway look in her eyes. If I wasn’t so caught up in my own shit, I would ask her about it. Not because I’m turning into a chick, but because the more we talk, the more I really like spending time with Rain.

  Once Jon calls Rain back to the studio, I pick up my phone, not expecting this call to be any different than any of the other times I’ve tried to call her. Surprisingly, she picks up on the second ring.

  “Hello?” I can hear a hint of hesitation in her voice. Things between us never used to be like this and, as much as I try to blame her, I know we’re both to blame. There were so many things said that neither of us can take back, but Rain is right, I have to keep pushing for an open dialogue with my mother. Since Dad passed away, she’s all I’ve got.

  “Hey, Mom,” I respond. Now that she’s actually on the phone, I’m unsure how to proceed. “I was wondering if you wanted to get together for dinner tonight.”

  I brace myself, waiting for the rush of emotions when she tells me no. My head is so fucked up thinking about what I’ll do when she refuses me that she has to repeat herself.

  “Zeke, I did you hear me?” she asks impatiently.

  “Sorry, Mom. What was that?” This is going well already.

  “I said be to the house at six-thirty.” My heart skips a beat in a way that almost makes me feel stupid. My mother isn’t shutting me out! That’s huge.

  “You got it,” I say cheerfully. “And Mom? I love you.”

  “I love you too, Zeke. I may not always be pleased with you, but I will never stop loving you.” Hearing that reminder is all I need to get through the rest of the day.

  I walk into the house I grew up in a few minutes before six. I gave myself extra time, not wanting to be disrespectful by being late. “Mom, are you here?” I call out when I don’t see her in the kitchen.

  “I’m outside,” she yells back from the three-season porch at the back of the house. I make my way to her and see that she already has dinner set on the table. It’s still strange to see two place settings instead of three, but I’m not sure I will ever fully get past the fact that Dad isn’t here. “Please, sit.”

  Rather than sitting as soon as I’m asked, I pull out her chair the way Dad used to, pushing it to the table when she’s seated. She reaches for my plate, mounding it with chicken pasta salad, the perfect meal for such a humid night. Neither of us say much as we sit and eat. I push my plate to the center of the table when I’m done and lean back, trying to come across as non-confrontational as possible.

  “Mom, I want to apologize for the reunion.” She studies me, waiting for me to continue and I feel like I did when I was a child. My mother is the master of letting us say what we need to say in hopes that we’ll divulge more than she would have tried to pry out of us. “I shouldn’t have created a scene like I did and I shouldn’t have let my temper get the better of me when we were talking.”

  “Thank you, Zeke.” She presses her hand to my cheek and I close my eyes. I can’t stand the fact that we’ve lost two months over something that is now a non-issue. “I want to understand how you feel, but it’s hard for me. I think even more so because you’re with that wonderful woman as well. Why can’t you enjoy that one special person in your life and count your blessings?”

  I take a deep breath, reminding myself that my mom’s tone isn’t accusatory this time. Tonight, she truly sounds curious to see where I’m coming from. I reach for her hands, knowing this might be hard for her, but I have to make her see that this isn’t a choice I made selfishly.

  “Mom, you know how you and Dad wanted to have a big family?” I ask, knowing there’s a chance my words are going to cut her deep. They never got the family she dreamed of and it’s something that I think always bothered her on some level. Unfortunately, this is the best way I can think to explain my lifestyle. My mother nods, sadness washing over her face.

  “And every time you got pregnant, you told me that you still loved me just as much, right?” God, I can’t stand the pain I see on my mother’s face right now. I’m not good at this type of shit.

  “Yes, and that was true,” she assures me. She takes a drink of her wine, and I see the moment she realizes that mine has gone untouched, but she’s kind enough to not question it. “But I don’t see what one has to do with the other.”

  “Mom, it’s the same thing for me. I’m not with Jeff because I love Mary any less.” My heart hurts because I’m still lying to my mother. I’m not with Jeff at all, but I don’t want her to know that just yet. “I didn’t expect it, but Mary is more than I ever thought I would want in my life. She’s funny, smart, gorgeous, and she’s willing to put up with my shit. But there has always been this part of me that has known I needed something more. And that’s where Jeff comes in.”

  “But you just said--”

  I press a finger to my mother’s lips. She needs to give me this time to get everything off my chest. Only then can we have a real conversation. “Being with a man isn’t something I consciously set out to do. I will admit, I had thought about it, but I never acted on it until Jeff.”

  After more than thirty years of avoiding talking to my mother about sex, I can’t believe I’m sitting here talking to her about being with more than one person.

  “At the same time, I think being with Mary gave me the courage to explore this side of myself.” What I won’t say to my mother is that we all started messing around because Mary saw the way I was glancing at Jeff out of the corner of my eye the night we met at the diner. By the time we left that night, both of them were following me to my place at Mary’s suggestion. “With both of them, I finally feel whole.”

  My mother nods her head slowly as she processes what I’m saying. And then, she gets a knowing look in her eye, the same one she had far too many times when she knew I was in trouble.

  “There’s something you’re not telling me,” she says. It’s not a question, she knows I’m holding back. And the longer she watches me, the more uncomfortable I feel. It’s like the woman knows me so well that she can read my thoughts if she stares long enough. “You’re telling me that you’re happy now, but I’m no fool. Every time you mention Jeff’s name, your shoulders sag a bit. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

  I cock my head to the side, wondering who this woman is and what she has done with my mother. She’s not judging me at all now, and she’s wanting to pry into my relationship with Jeff.

  “Not really,” I say sadly. “But I need you to know, even if Jeff and I never get past what’s going on, this isn’t a part of me that’s going to magically go away. I love you, but this is who I am.”

  “Oh, Zeke,” my mother says, a tear falling down her cheek. “I’m trying, but you have to remember, I’m an old woman who has held onto her beliefs for a long time. It’s not easy for me to question everything I’ve known for so long.”

  We make our way inside as the sun sets and continue talking for the next two hours. By the time I get behind the wheel of my Jeep to go home, I’m utterly dumbfounded by how much my mother loves me. Now, I just hope she doesn’t hate me for screwing things up with Jeff. Once she got past the fact that he’s a guy, I think she started to warm up to the idea of her son being with a handsome doctor.

  Zeke’s asleep when I walk into the bedroom. I’m going to take that as a sign everything went well at dinner tonight because he’s able to relax a bit. As I finish washing my face, I hear him tossing and turning. “Mary, is that you?” he asks, his voice hoarse and sexy from sleep.

  “How many other women were you expecting tonight?” I ask playfully, making my
way through the dark bedroom. I slide into the bed beside him, settling in with my back against his chest.

  “Four,” he deadpans. “But they’re all behind you on the list.” I reach around, swatting him on the backside. Dinner definitely went well if he’s being sarcastic.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, crossing my fingers that he will say yes. He’s been completely closed off to me for a few days and it bothers me.

  “Not tonight,” he says, nuzzling his face into my neck. One hand reaches around, tracing slow circles on my stomach as he nips the hollow spot below my ear. “I want you, Mary.”

  Hearing his declaration is like a green light to my body. I get nervous when I realize we’ve never done this before. I turn so we’re facing one another, my bare breasts pressing into his chest, absorbing the warmth radiating off his body. “I need you, Zeke. Please, make love to me.”

  Zeke pulls back the sheets, causing me to shiver as the cool air hits my exposed flesh. In the darkness, I can feel his eyes staring at me, studying me as his breathing grows shallow. He leans down, kissing me with so much reverence I fear I’m going to cry.

  “I love you,” he breathes across my skin as he begins placing open mouth kisses along my shoulders. “I know I screw up a lot, but I need you to know I’m going to try harder. I can’t lose you.”

  He slides down my body, the stubble on his cheeks deliciously scraping against the top of my breast. His callused hands knead one side as his mouth covers the other nipple, biting and licking until my back arches off the bed.

  My hands reach around him, massaging his back as he continues worshipping every inch of skin on my body. “Tell me you won’t leave me,” he begs.

  “I won’t leave you, Zeke. I love you.” Before I can continue, my body bucks again, this time when he enters me with two fingers. “I need more, Zeke.”

  I feel him smile against my stomach as he slides even lower. “I know, baby. I know,” he laughs as he positions himself between my thighs. I reach for him, needing to feel a constant connection to him. His head bows, his mouth sucking gently on my already swollen and tender clit, causing me to gasp in ecstasy.