Jurgen: A Comedy of Justice

by James Branch Cabell

  48.

  Candid Opinions of Dame Lisa

  "Eh, sirs!" observes Koshchei the Deathless, "but some of us arecertainly hard to please." And now Jurgen was already intent toshrug off his display of emotion. "In selecting a wife, sir,"submitted Jurgen, "there are all sorts of matters to beconsidered--"

  Then bewilderment smote him. For it occurred to Jurgen that hisprevious commerce with these three women was patently unknown toKoshchei. Why, Koshchei, who made all things as they are--Koshchei,no less--was now doing for Jurgen Koshchei's utmost: and that utmostamounted to getting for Jurgen what Jurgen had once, with the aid ofyouth and impudence, got for himself. Not even Koshchei, then, coulddo more for Jurgen than might be accomplished by that youth andimpudence and tendency to pry into things generally which Jurgen hadjust relinquished as over-restless nuisances. Jurgen drew theinference, and shrugged; decidedly cleverness was not at the top.However, there was no pressing need to enlighten Koshchei, and nowisdom in attempting it.

  "--For you must understand, sir," continued Jurgen, smoothly, "that,whatever the first impulse of the moment, it was apparent to anyreflective person that in the past of each of these ladies there wasmuch to suggest inborn inaptitude for domestic life. And I am apeace-loving fellow, sir; nor do I hold with moral laxity, now thatI am forty-odd, except, of course, in talk when it promotessociability, and in verse-making wherein it is esteemed as aconventional ornament. Still, Prince, the chance I lost! I do notrefer to matrimony, you conceive. But in the presence of thesefamous fair ones now departed from me forever, with what glowingwords I ought to have spoken! upon a wondrous ladder of trophes,metaphors and recondite allusions, to what stylistic heights ofAsiatic prose I ought to have ascended! and instead, I twaddled likea schoolmaster. Decidedly, Lisa is right, and I am good-for-nothing.However," Jurgen added, hopefully, "it appeared to me that when Ilast saw her, a year ago this evening, Lisa was somewhat lessoutspoken than usual."

  "Eh, sirs, but she was under a very potent spell. I found thatnecessary in the interest of law and order hereabouts. I, who madethings as they are, am not accustomed to the excesses of practicalpersons who are ruthlessly bent upon reforming their associates.Indeed, it is one of the advantages of my situation that such folkdo not consider things as they are, and in consequence very rarelybother me." And the black gentleman in turn shrugged. "You willpardon me, but I notice in my accounts that I am positivelycommitted to color this year's anemones to-night, and there is arather large planetary system to be discontinued at half-past ten.So time presses."

  "And time is inexorable. Prince, with all due respect, I fancy it isprecisely this truism which you have overlooked. You produce themost charming of women, in a determined onslaught upon my fancy; butyou forget you are displaying them to a man of forty-and-something."

  "And does that make so great a difference?"

  "Oh, a sad difference, Prince! For as a man gets on in life hechanges in many ways. He handles sword and lance less creditably,and does not carry as heavy a staff as he once flourished. He takesless interest in conversation, and his flow of humor diminishes. Heis not the tireless mathematician that he was, if only because hisfaith in his personal endowments slackens. He recognizes hislimitations, and in consequence the unimportance of his opinions,and indeed he recognizes the probable unimportance of all fleshlymatters. So he relinquishes trying to figure out things, andsceptres and candles appear to him about equivalent; and he isinclined to give up philosophical experiments, and to let thingspass unplumbed. Oh, yes, it makes a difference." And Jurgen sighed."And yet, for all that, it is a relief, sir, in a way."

  "Nevertheless," said Koshchei, "now that you have inspected theflower of womanhood, I cannot soberly believe you prefer yourtermagant of a wife."

  "Frankly, Prince, I also am, as usual, undecided. You may be rightin all you have urged; and certainly I cannot go so far as to sayyou are wrong; but still, at the same time--! Come now, could younot let me see my first wife for just a moment?"

  This was no sooner asked than granted; for there, sure enough, wasDame Lisa. She was no longer restricted to quiet speech by anystupendous necromancy: and uncommonly plain she looked, after thepassing of those lovely ladies.

  "Aha, you rascal!" begins Dame Lisa, addressing Jurgen; "and so youthought to be rid of me! Oh, a precious lot you are! and a deal ofthanks I get for my scrimping and slaving!" And she began scoldingaway.

  But she began, somewhat to Jurgen's astonishment, by stating that hewas even worse than the Countess Dorothy. Then he recollected that,by not the most disastrous piece of luck conceivable, Dame Lisa'slatest news from the outside world had been rendered by her sister,the notary's wife, a twelvemonth back.

  And rather unaccountably Jurgen fell to thinking of howunsubstantial seemed these curious months devoted to other women, asset against the commonplace years which he and Lisa had frettedthrough together; of the fine and merry girl that Lisa had beenbefore she married him; of how well she knew his tastes in cookeryand all his little preferences, and of how cleverly she humored themon those rare days when nothing had occurred to vex her; of all thebuttons she had replaced, and all the socks she had darned, and ofwhat tempests had been loosed when anyone else had had the audacityto criticize Jurgen; and of how much more unpleasant--everythingconsidered--life was without her than with her. She was sounattractive looking, too, poor dear, that you could not but besorry for her. And Jurgen's mood was half yearning and halfpenitence.

  "I think I will take her back, Prince," says Jurgen, verysubdued,--"now that I am forty-and-something. For I do not know butit is as hard on her as on me."

  "My friend, do you forget the poet that you might be, even yet? Norational person would dispute that the society and amiable chat ofDame Lisa must naturally be a desideratum--"

  But Dame Lisa was always resentful of long words. "Be silent, youblack scoffer, and do not allude to such disgraceful things in thepresence of respectable people! For I am a decent Christian woman, Iwould have you understand. But everybody knows your reputation! anda very fit companion you are for that scamp yonder! and volumescould not say more!"

  Thus casually, and with comparative lenience, did Dame Lisa disposeof Koshchei, who made things as they are, for she believed him to bemerely Satan. And to her husband Dame Lisa now addressed herselfmore particularly.

  "Jurgen, I always told you you would come to this, and now I hopeyou are satisfied. Jurgen, do not stand there with your mouth open,like a scared fish, when I ask you a civil question! but answer whenyou are spoken to! Yes, and you need not try to look so idioticallyinnocent, Jurgen, because I am disgusted with you. For, Jurgen, youheard perfectly well what your very suitable friend just said aboutme, with my own husband standing by. No--now I beg of you!--do notask me what he said, Jurgen! I leave that to your conscience, and Iprefer to talk no more about it. You know that when I am oncedisappointed in a person I am through with that person. So, veryluckily, there is no need at all for you to pile hypocrisy oncowardice, because if my own husband has not the feelings of a man,and cannot protect me from insults and low company, I had best begoing home and getting supper ready. I dare say the house is like apig-sty: and I can see by looking at you that you have been ruiningyour eyes by reading in bed again. And to think of your going aboutin public, even among such associates, with a button off yourshirt!"

  She was silent for one terrible moment; then Lisa spoke in frozendespair.

  "And now I look at that shirt, I ask you fairly, Jurgen, do youconsider that a man of your age has any right to be going about in ashirt that nobody--in a shirt which--in a shirt that I can only--Ah,but I never saw such a shirt! and neither did anybody else! Yousimply cannot imagine what a figure you cut in it, Jurgen. Jurgen, Ihave been patient with you; I have put up with a great deal, sayingnothing where many women would have lost their temper; but I simplycannot permit you to select your own clothes, and so ruin thebusiness and take the bread out of our mouths. In short, you areenough to drive a person mad; and I warn you
that I am done with youforever."

  Dame Lisa went with dignity to the door of Koshchei's office.

  "So you can come with me or not, precisely as you elect. It is allone to me, I can assure you, after the cruel things you have said,and the way you have stormed at me, and have encouraged thatnotorious blackamoor to insult me in terms which I, for one, wouldnot soil my lips by repeating. I do not doubt you consider it is allvery clever and amusing, but you know now what I think about it. Andupon the whole, if you do not feel the exertion will kill you, youhad better come home the long way, and stop by Sister's and ask herto let you have a half-pound of butter; for I know you too well tosuppose you have been attending to the churning."

  Dame Lisa here evinced a stately sort of mirth such as isunimaginable by bachelors.

  "You churning while I was away!--oh, no, not you! There is probablynot so much as an egg in the house. For my lord and gentleman hashad other fish to fry, in his fine new courting clothes. Andthat--and on a man of your age, with a paunch to you like a beerbarrel and with legs like pipe-stems!--yes, that infamous shirt ofyours is the reason you had better, for your own comfort, come homethe long way. For I warn you, Jurgen, that the style in which I havecaught you rigged out has quite decided me, before I go home oranywhere else, to stop by for a word or so with your high and mightyMadame Dorothy. So you had just as well not be along with me, forthere is no pulling wool over my eyes any longer, and you two neednever think to hoodwink me again about your goings-on. No, Jurgen,you cannot fool me; for I can read you like a book. And suchbehavior, at your time of life, does not surprise me at all, becauseit is precisely what I would have expected of you."

  With that Dame Lisa passed through the door and went away, stilltalking. It was of Heitman Michael's wife that the wife of Jurgenspoke, discoursing of the personal traits, and of the past doings,and (with augmented fervor) of the figure and visage of MadameDorothy, as all these abominations appeared to the eye ofdiscernment, and must be revealed by the tongue of candor, as amatter of public duty.

  So passed Dame Lisa, neither as flame nor mist, but as the voice ofjudgment.