Mission Improbable

by J. J. Green

  “Oh, thank you, thank you.” Carrie threw her arms around him. “I know what you were saying is right. I know that woman’s a professional and I’m not. But I can’t give up and walk away again. I just can’t. We have to help the oootoons, don’t we? Who knows what she’s going to do? She hasn’t even tried to talk to them yet.”

  “Yes, I suppose. But I still think all this stuff is way beyond you and me.” He squinted into the sky. “If we are staying, maybe we need to hitch a ride on that?” He pointed at something swooping down so fast its outline was a blur. Carrie could make out the shape, however. It was rectangular, with curved edges and a hollow centre. It was a giant paperclip from the placktoid mothership.

  Below it, the beautiful woman waited.

  Chapter Fifteen – A Difference of Opinion

  “Hold on,” shouted Carrie to her orange-jumpsuited replacement. “Wait for us. We’re coming, too.”

  The blur of the paperclip sharpened as it came nearer. It was slowing and angling its flight towards the woman, who hadn’t reacted to Carrie’s shout.

  “I said, wait.” Carrie was running now, with Dave close behind.

  Glancing over her shoulder and back up at the paperclip, the woman looked as if she was hoping it would arrive before Carrie did. The air began to vibrate with a low, barely perceptible hum as the paperclip drew to a halt. It hovered just above the ground a short distance from the woman, who was now walking towards it.

  “Stop, don’t leave without us,” yelled Carrie.

  Not stopping, nor even pausing, the woman lifted her foot to step into the paperclip’s centre when Carrie’s dive almost, but not quite, knocked her off her feet. Carrie bounced and fell.

  “Wow, you’re solid,” she said as she sprawled on the ground.

  Staggering upright, the woman frowned. She stepped away from the paperclip and folded her arms. “What on Earth are you doing?” she asked, curling her lip.

  “We’re coming, too,” said Carrie. “I’m a space liaison thingy as well. I’m going to speak to Gavin, or the placktoids.”

  “Er, no, I don’t think you are.” She turned towards the waiting paperclip.

  Carrie leapt up and stood in front of the woman, her arms straight by her sides. “What are you doing here, anyway? I’m the person responsible for settling this conflict.”

  “Not any more, you aren’t. Now, excuse me please, I have a job to do.” The woman side-stepped Carrie, who reinserted herself into her path.

  “No, you haven’t. It’s my job,” she said.

  Dave lingered close by.

  “It was your job,” said the woman. “You failed, and now I have to come in and clean up your mess.”

  “That’s not true,” exclaimed Carrie. “I haven’t failed. I was just...I was just...gathering information from the custard, I mean, the...” she waved towards the ocean, “the oootoons.”

  “Hmpf, you clearly have no idea what you’re talking about, or what you’re doing. And, by the way, it’s oootoon, singular. Please step aside, the placktoids are waiting.”

  “We were calling them to get us...anyway. I have important questions for them.”

  “Oh really. Where’s your equipment? And why aren’t you wearing your uniform?”

  “I—I— ” Carrie’s shoulders slumped. The woman smirked. Carrie’s mouth shut like a trap and stamped her foot. “Dammit, that’s none of your business.”

  Her expression softening, the woman smiled and leaned down. “Look, it’s all right. Not everyone is cut out for this job. You toddle off home now and get a good night’s sleep. In the morning you can pretend none of this happened, and you can continue your boring little life in whatever boring little corner of the world you come from. Okay? Do you want me to ask Gavin to open a gateway for you?” She reached into her bag.

  Carrie pushed up her sleeves and clenched her fists. “You aren’t getting on that paperclip without us.”

  Tipping back her head, the woman laughed. “And I suppose you’re going to stop me? Like you did just then? Or are you going to get your boyfriend here to do your fighting?”

  Dave tutted and rolled his eyes.

  “I was trying to avoid hurting you then. But now I’m warning you, I’m trained in Bagua Zhang. And Dave isn’t my boyfriend.”

  Momentary indecision flickered in the woman’s eyes, then her expression firmed. “I don’t care what you’re trained in. You’re still a little pipsquea—”

  The air rushed from the woman’s lungs as Carrie jabbed her in the stomach with rigid fingers. She staggered, her mouth open and gasping.

  “Carrie,” exclaimed Dave, “I don’t think there’s any need for that kind of behaviour.”

  “It’s okay, I’ve just winded her. Come on.” She went to board the paperclip.

  But Dave walked over to the woman and put a hand on the shoulder. She was bent double, her hands on her knees, struggling for breath. “Are you all right?”

  “Dave,” shouted Carrie.

  “I’m just checking you haven’t hurt her.”

  “She’s fine. If I’d wanted to hurt her, I would have. Let’s go before she recovers.”

  Dave hesitated. “If you’re sure...she looks a bit pale.”

  Flinging back her hair, the woman bared her teeth at Carrie as she took in great gulps of air.

  “Come on, Dave, quick.”

  “I really think we’d better—”

  A fluorescent orange blur flew at Carrie, who side-stepped the woman’s force and caught her off-balance with a shoulder to her middle. The woman lifted into the air and glided over Carrie’s head, landing on her back with a whump. She lay at Carrie’s feet, winded again.

  “Whoa,” said Dave.

  “Now, will you—owww!” The woman had sunk her teeth into Carrie’s ankle through her trouser leg. “Arghhh...let go.” She shook her leg, but the woman clung on. Carrie reached down, grabbed her wrist and twisted her arm. With a cry, the woman released her bite and leapt to her feet. Carrie stepped back. The two women began to circle.

  “Back off,” said Carrie. “I’m not playing anymore.”

  “You caught me off guard. You won’t get away with it a second time.”

  “We only wanted to hitch a ride with you on the paperclip.”

  “It’s a placktoid, you idiot. Stop calling it a paperclip. Better yet, go home, where you belong.”

  Dave stepped between the women, both hands raised. “You know, I’m sure we can talk about this, if we all calm down and behave reasonably.”

  “I’m not the one being unreasonable,” said Carrie. “I only wanted a lift.”

  “Give up and go away,” said the woman through gritted teeth.

  Carrie darted forward, and Dave jumped out of the way. She threw out her foot, trying to hook the woman’s leg from under her, but she scooted back. They circled again. As Dave backed farther away Carrie dashed in once more with a kick, but the woman grabbed her foot and dragged her forward, hopping. She wrenched Carrie’s leg so she was forced to hop closer, and swung a fist, but Carrie leaned back. The fist missed her jaw by a hair’s breadth.

  Dave put his hands to his face. “There’s no need for all of this. You’re both totally overreacting.”

  Carrie was still hopping. With a grunt, she leapt and turned 360 degrees in midair, breaking the woman’s grip. As she landed, she leapt again, flinging her leg upwards and kicking the woman in the head. After landing heavily on her bottom, the woman sat swaying and blinking.

  “Dave, come on,” called Carrie as she turned and ran for the paperclip.

  He was just behind her as she jumped into the centre. The forcefield gripped them and they floated, bouncing gently to and fro. Their entrance seemed to trigger a reaction in the paperclip. Its humming intensified, and it began to rise. A few feet away the woman lurched up, wobbling. She shouted something, but the sound didn’t penetrate the forcefield. Her long stride brought her over quickly, but not quickly enough. Leaping, she reached for the edge of the
paperclip as it ascended. Her fingers grasped air, and she dropped to the ground.

  Carrie and Dave watched her figure grow smaller as she shook an angry fist at them. Carrie smiled and waved. Dave frowned at her. Carrie tried to look serious, but her smile broke into a grin. “You’re both totally overreacting,” she said. She put a hand over her mouth, and with a great snort, she began to laugh. She bent double and gripped her sides.

  Dave’s lips twitched, his frown melting as a smile forced its way onto his face. His smile broke into laughter, and as the paperclip zoomed upwards, Carrie and Dave clung to each other in fits of giggles, wiping their eyes and struggling to draw breath.

  Above them, the black shape of the placktoid spaceship grew larger, a beam of brilliant light shining from the open hatch in its base. Carrie and Dave were still laughing when the paperclip disgorged them into the loading bay of the spaceship. They collapsed to the floor, gasping and groaning.

  Gavin was awaiting them, his hundred eyes fixed on their rolling forms. Carrie caught sight of him, and her giggles weakened until they finally faltered and died.

  Chapter Sixteen - Belinda

  Drumming the ground with his legs, Gavin emitted a long series of musical clicks.

  Carrie and Dave glanced at each other. Despite not understanding a syllable of what Gavin was saying, they both felt compelled to lower their heads like naughty schoolchildren. Carrie wasn’t sure if Gavin was communicating with someone—or something—she couldn’t see, talking to himself, or just seething.

  She pulled her face into a serious and, she hoped, professional expression. “I wanted to report that I’ve investigated the—”

  “Where is Transgalactic Intercultural Community Crisis Liaison Officer Markham, Transgalactic Intercultural—”

  “I don’t know who you mean.”

  Gavin clicked again. “The question was rhetorical. I know exactly where she is. She is aboard the second transport the placktoid commander had to send out, due to the fact that the first transport was misappropriated by you.”

  Carrie swallowed. “Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that. What’s she doing here? This was supposed to be my job. You were going to send me back to Earth without giving me a chance to do it.”

  “Nonsense. You have had numerous opportunities to ascertain the points of contention on the opposing sides. Your performance so far has consisted of arriving for duty out of uniform, lacking nearly all essential equipment, and accompanied by an unauthorised companion. After your arrival, you failed to contact the oootoon. When picked up by the placktoids you did not explain the official nature of your presence, resulting in your confinement under sentence of execution. Upon your return to the planet surface, you antagonised the oootoon and were taken into confinement once more.” Gavin’s extendable inner jaws protruded an extra couple of inches. “You have made no progress in resolving this dispute. Hostilities have recommenced. Naturally I had no option but to return you to Earth. This is not a game. Lives are at stake. This conflict must be resolved, and you have singularly failed to resolve it.”

  Carrie opened her mouth and closed it twice, before saying, “I have made progress. I’ve been talking to the oootoons, and they’re friendly, not aggressive. They protected us from the bombardment even though they had no idea who we were. And how could the oootoons harm the placktoids anyway? They can’t reach up here. The placktoids have been bombing it for no reason.”

  Gavin was clicking again. “No reason? The oootoon, which is considered a single organism, by the way, has abducted placktoid settlers. That has been established, or I would not have stated it as a fact when you returned to the planet surface. The oootoon attacks any placktoids that stray near its shore.”

  “Really? Why?”

  Gavin’s head leaned closer, so that his inner jaws were inches from Carrie’s face. She drew back her head.

  “That,” he said, “is what everyone would like to know.”

  “Hold on,” said Dave, “we were bombed down there. Aren’t the placktoids in danger of bombing their own people if they’re still alive...or functioning, or whatever?”

  Gavin swung round to face Dave, who stumbled back.

  “The placktoids have little value for individuals of their species who are not available for recycling. In placktoid culture, a placktoid that has left its colony is considered useless and therefore expendable.”

  “So why bother attacking?” asked Carrie.

  Gavin swung back to her. “For revenge, and to deter the oootoon from capturing any more of them. All of which you would know if you had consulted the briefing device in your toolbox.”

  “Which is what I did, of course,” came a woman’s voice. Carrie’s replacement had arrived and was stepping down from a hovering paperclip. “Hello, Gavin.”

  “Transgalactic Intercultural Community Crisis Liaison Officer Markham,” said Gavin, “thank you for agreeing to step in.”

  “I’m always happy to help. I see you’ve been disciplining the little flake. Not a moment too soon. I’m here to report that while I was waiting for the second transport to arrive,” the woman glanced sideways at Carrie, “I took the opportunity to speak further with the oootoon. It’s a belligerent entity that holds an unprovoked hatred for the placktoids. In my opinion there’s little hope of any settlement in this dispute. The oootoon should be subject to sanctions and forced to return the placktoid hostages, assuming they’re still alive.”

  “What? No,” exclaimed Carrie, “you’ve got it wrong. The oootoon is nothing like that. You just didn’t listen to it long enough. And what do you mean you spoke further with it? You were going to come up here without speaking to it at all.” She turned to Gavin. “The oootoon’s very difficult to understand, with so many competing voices. It’s always arguing with itself because it’s many, many beings in one.”

  “Approximately four and a half billion, if we are talking planetwide,” said Gavin, “and yet, at the same time, a single massive entity. A very interesting and nearly unique life form.”

  “And particularly antagonistic,” said the woman.

  “Look,” said Carrie, “I don’t know who you are, but I’d be grateful if you’d stop shoving your oar in.”

  The woman smirked. “The name’s Belinda. So pleased to meet you, whoever you are. No, really,” she held up a hand as Carrie opened her mouth, “don’t bother telling me your name. You won’t be around long enough for it to be worth my while learning it. Gavin, I believe the case here is solved. I studied the Council’s inspection report, and the placktoids’ claim that they have been subjected to unprovoked attacks ever since attempting to settle on the oootoon planet—”

  “There’s your answer,” exclaimed Carrie, “the placktoids are trying to take over the oootoon’s world. It’s only natural that it fights back.”

  “Didn’t you read any of the information you were given?” asked Belinda.

  Gavin was clicking again. “The placktoids have been granted permission to settle on the land areas of the planet. The oootoon has no use for them and there is no other sentient life. But, after agreeing to the settlement plans, the oootoon began kidnapping placktoids.”

  “Unprovoked?”

  “As far as we can ascertain.”

  Carrie looked at Dave. “That doesn’t sound right, does it?” He had wandered to the hatchway and was looking out of it. He shook his head. Carrie turned to Gavin and Belinda. “When we were there, after the paperclip dropped us in the oootoon—deliberately, I’m pretty sure—it let us out untouched. We didn’t even know it was alive. It was only when I accidentally ate some of it—”

  “You ATE some of it?” said Gavin.

  Carrie sighed. “It was a mistake, okay?”

  Belinda shook her head and tutted. “Gavin, isn’t there some way to force this woman and her friend to return to Earth? She’s terrible at her job and she’s complicating everything with her ineptitude.”

  “It was only when it was provoked,” continued Carrie,
heavily, “that it attacked. And even then it didn’t harm us, it only confined us. It tried to protect us from the bombing, and it let us go when I explained who I was and why I was there. It set us free despite what I’d done.”

  “That the oootoon are holding several hundred placktoids hostage is well established,” said Belinda. “The oootoon provided no coherent explanation when I questioned it—”

  “That’s because it can’t communicate clearly.”

  Gavin whirred. “Transgalactic translators are highly effective—”

  “That isn’t the point,” exclaimed Carrie. “Every single one of the oootoon parts speaks at once. I don’t know exactly how it works, but it seems that when there’s a consensus between enough of them, the oootoon acts. But in terms of talking with it one-to-one, forget it.”

  “The Transgalactic Council is aware of the unusual communication method of the oootoon,” said Gavin.

  “Well, I certainly managed to communicate with it,” said Belinda.

  “No, you didn’t,” said Carrie.

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “You didn’t have enough time—”

  “How dare you,” said Belinda. “Gavin, is this kind of behaviour acceptable? She’s actually accusing me of lying!”

  “Yes, I am sorry to say I think you are correct, Transgalactic Intercultural Community Crisis Liaison Officer Markham. Carrie, your behaviour and attitude are entirely inappropriate for someone in your position. I am formally informing you that your employment is terminated. This will cause me severe embarrassment in front of my superiors, but I am afraid it is unavoidable. If you do not return to Earth I will have to force you.”

  Belinda tilted her chin and looked down her nose at Carrie, who clenched her fists.

  “I’m not going anywhere—”

  An alarm ripped through the air. The three humans covered their ears, and Gavin flipped onto his back. His ten pairs of legs jerked and wriggled. From all corners of the entrance area, placktoids began speeding towards the door.