Who Needs Men Anyway?

by Victoria Cooke

  The next morning, I was awoken by severe discomfiture and went downstairs, leaving James asleep. Needing something to take my mind off him, I logged into the Me & You website. There was a red prompt, reminding me to check my Me & You inbox. With everything that had happened, I’d completely forgotten to reply to his last message – the one where he’d opened up to me – to Megan – and I felt terrible. Megan was right when she’d said I treated people like puppets. I was a puppeteer with too many puppets.

  I clicked open.

  Hi Megan,

  Sorry, I didn’t mean to lay it on heavy so soon. I just thought I should explain myself a little. I didn’t want sympathy or anything like that – I just wanted you to know I’m not single because I’m an oddball with a dark side or anything like that. Anyway, I won’t contact you again unless I hear from you first because I don’t want to come across stalkerish.

  It’s over to you.

  Andrew x

  My chest panged. I was making a pig’s ear of everything, and my victims were amassing at an alarming rate. I had to put it right.

  Andrew,

  I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. Believe me when I say that your awful news wasn’t the reason I didn’t reply. My life has been somewhat chaotic recently and I’ve had some personal matters to deal with. I just didn’t get a chance to log in.

  The truth is, I’m not Megan. I’m Megan’s friend, Charlotte, and I set up this dating page for her after her fiancé cheated on her. I wanted her to find someone who cared.

  No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t come clean.

  The lies I’d carved were too deep for everything to be okay. Instead, I’d make a new plan.

  I’d come clean to Megan and hope that she’d forgive me, like the look of Andrew, arrange a date, and keep my secret. Admittedly, it was a tall order but the barrel of choice wasn’t exactly brimming. I placed my fingers back on the keyboard, deleted the last three lines and started typing again.

  It must be so hard for you. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through. My fiancé had an affair (hence my single status) and that was painful enough but he’s still here at least.

  I’m here if you need to talk.

  I love visiting Italy too, and France. Lake Garda is one of my favourite places to stay in Italy, but I do love Venice and Rome. The French Riviera, Normandy, Brittany and, (of course), Paris are my French favourites.

  Do you have any children?

  Megan x

  I wasn’t sure why I asked that. I think given my own predicament I was particularly interested.

  The reply was almost instant, which made me feel worse.

  I’m glad you haven’t been put off. Thanks for the offer of talking, but I’ve done plenty of that over the years. My mother insisted on counselling, and mine and Beth’s friends wouldn’t leave me alone until I convinced them I was okay. Beth was my wife, by the way. Like I said, I’m okay now – time is a great healer and now I’m grateful for my many happy memories.

  Those are some great places. We did a Year 6 trip to Paris one year but I doubt Disneyland was what you had in mind.

  We never had children of our own but worrying about the progress of my class full of seven- and eight-year-olds often keeps me awake at night if that counts. How about you?

  Andrew x

  I started to type straight away, smiling at the thought of that robust man I’d seen at the gym being given the run-around by a class full of children.

  Not yet. I’m pregnant, though.

  I caught myself and hit delete straight away, sitting back in the chair to take a breath. For a brief moment, I’d forgotten my reasons for talking to Andrew and felt compelled to share my news with him. I put it down to a bad week and a sprinkling of extra hormones.

  I don’t have any children but I hope to have one day. I’ve not met a primary school teacher before – not since I was eleven at least.

  I knew the part about wanting children was true as Megan had said several times in the past that she wanted two.

  I’m glad you’re focusing on the happy times.

  FYI, I’m not averse to Disneyland – there’s a big kid in all of us!

  I was terrible at advice. I could fix a problem for someone, but I couldn’t talk them into feeling better. I needed to talk to Megan and hand Andrew over before things got any weirder. I hit send and just as I was closing my laptop lid, it pinged again. I knew I should slow things down – Megan wasn’t near ready yet – but unable to resist peeking, I opened my laptop back up to the Me & You inbox.

  Would it be okay to have your number? Normally I discourage my students from handing their numbers to strangers, especially ones they’ve met online, but now we’ve spoken a little, I feel one hundred per cent certain that you’re not an axe-wielding maniac. x

  My stomach flipped and I found myself smiling at the screen before panic set in. How could he speak to Megan? The right thing to do would have been to say I wanted to take things slowly or come clean but instead I typed:

  Of course x

  What the hell was I doing?

  Chapter Thirteen

  ‘After everything that’s gone on, you want to do pregnancy Pilates?’ Megan asked when she arrived the next day.

  I shrugged. ‘It’s good for keeping muscle tone, and it will apparently help me get back into shape once the baby is born.’

  ‘What I meant was, how can you think about muscle tone when you’ve had two huge surprises in such a short space of time?’ She set off towards the gym and I followed.

  ‘Megan, I have to move forward. It’s no good feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in self-pity has never made anyone feel better. Ever.’

  ‘I’m worried about you.’ She placed a hand on my shoulder. ‘I know what it feels like to find out someone you love has betrayed you, and it’s not pleasant. I’m still not over Mike yet, not properly! Every time I think I’m doing okay, I crumble.’

  ‘It wasn’t really an affair,’ I said quickly. ‘It was work stress.’

  She raised her eyebrows in a look that said she wasn’t buying a word of what I had to say.

  ‘Fine,’ I continued. ‘Of course, I don’t condone what he did, but we’re having a baby and that’s a massive life change. Much bigger than one bad decision.’

  ‘But it still hurts, Charlotte,’ she said, more softly this time. ‘How have things been?’

  I sighed. ‘Fine, really. He’s thrilled about the baby and thinks this could be the fresh start we need to get back on track.’

  ‘But you’re not sure? You’re just talking about James being happy.’

  ‘We slept in the same bed last night for the first time since . . . you know. It just didn’t feel the same. I didn’t feel the love and warmth that I usually do. It could have been just anyone lying there.’

  ‘It’s still raw,’ Megan said. ‘You’re trying too hard to move on too soon. You need more time.’

  ‘It’s not so easy to bide my time when his baby is growing inside of me – I feel like there’s a time limit on making things work.’

  ‘You have nine months.’

  ‘Probably eight,’ I replied automatically, like it made a difference.

  ‘Still, you’ve got enough time to slow things down. Let him sleep in the spare room a bit longer, make him earn your love back. Then you’ll start to feel it again.’

  She was right, of course. I just don’t do beating around the bush; I’d rather get things done and draw a line under them and since I’d already planned to stay with James, there was little point in making him stew. There was something else I had to draw a line under. ‘Megan, there’s something I have to tell you.’

  She was kneeling down, rolling out a mat, and looked up at me like a worried puppy. ‘What?’

  My mouth suddenly felt dry and my words jammed a little in my throat as I paused, trying to think of a way to get out of the whole mess, looking somewhat better than awful. I could just delete the Me & You account and forget
it existed. But that wouldn’t be fair to Andrew, and that aside, he could bump into her somewhere. I cursed myself for setting the radius so local.

  ‘I was wondering if you’ve thought about dating anyone?’ I went for a gentle lead-up, giving myself time to come up with a good reason for what I’d done.

  To my surprise, Megan’s face broke into a grin; she was still on all fours on the mat looking up at me like a happy puppy. ‘As a matter of fact, I have,’ she said. A flicker of hope filled my chest. Perhaps she’d see the good in my intentions. She let out a small laugh but then looked a bit sad again. ‘It’s silly,’ she said.

  ‘Go on,’ I prompted.

  ‘I’ve really enjoyed having Sam around the place. I think we’ve got . . . I think there’s a connection.’ Her cheeks flushed.

  My body became leaden. ‘Oh?’ No, no, no, not Sam. It was all so wrong. Andrew was broken and patched up, but Sam wasn’t fixed; he wasn’t even sure if he’d forgive Samantha the last time I spoke to him. My face must have said enough as she continued without awaiting a reply.

  ‘I know, I know. It’s too soon, neither of us can possibly be ready for a relationship, especially not with each other, blah, blah, blah. But it feels like there’s something there. I don’t know. He’s easy company and pretty easy on the eye too. Without Sam around, I’d still be pining for Mike.’

  I gulped. ‘And you think Sam feels this . . . connection too?’ I hadn’t seen that coming. In fact, I hadn’t imagined either of them had done much more than mope since Sam started staying there.

  ‘I don’t know. I hope so.’

  I decided I had to go ahead and tell her about Andrew – to try and convince her to meet him, mostly to appease my conscience, and also, to distract her away from Sam.

  ‘Don’t get mad.’ Her eyes darted towards me. ‘I thought you might want to start dating people at some point, so I set up a profile for you on a dating website – Me & You.’

  I held my breath, awaiting her response. Slowly, she rose from the floor to face me square on, her arms folded. ‘What? Why?’ Her eyes narrowed as my chest tightened. I panicked, worried I’d lose her. Part of me thought I should have just kept my mouth shut. But if I’d learnt one lesson in the past few months, it was that deceiving my real friends was not a good idea.

  ‘It was when you were upset. I thought if I had some interested parties, and you felt ready or low or whatever, I could show you that people were interested. I used a nice picture and kept everything clean and honest and . . .’ I was babbling.

  Megan raised a hand to her brow. ‘I can’t imagine why you would do that. Especially after what you did with Mike and the hotel.’ Her face turned red. ‘But I guess you’re the same meddling busybody you’ve always been, treating people like your pawns rather than friends or family. I wonder if that’s what James got fed up with? Perhaps he fancied sampling a normal woman who didn’t try to control him.’

  We both gasped, and for a moment we just stood there, staring at one another. Megan was panting. Her words stung partly because they came from sweet Megan’s mouth and partly because they might have been true.

  ‘I didn’t mean that,’ Megan said eventually, softening her tone. ‘But sometimes you just steam ahead without a thought for other people’s feelings.’

  ‘But everything I do is to help others or save other people’s feelings,’ I said, becoming aware of a tremor in my voice. It was true – I meant no malice ever. Apart from that one time with Lauren and even that I regretted.

  She shook her head and slumped against the wall into a silence that lasted too long. ‘I suppose there’s no harm done if it’s just a profile, not really.’ She sighed, and I really wished that were the case. I hadn’t got to that part. ‘So, did I get any interest?’ she sighed.

  ‘There were a few sleazy men wanting nothing more than a night between the sheets.’ I paused. ‘One called himself Mr Luvva, spelt phonetically.’

  She winced. ‘It seems a good thing I’ve got my eye on Sam.’

  I forced myself to carry on. ‘There is one seemingly decent man who got in touch,’ I added tentatively.

  ‘Oh?’ She raised her eyebrows in anticipation.

  ‘A primary school teacher. Very handsome.’ Would that do? I wondered. I couldn’t oversell him for fear of sounding too interested myself.

  ‘Well, I’m not interested. I want to be around for Sam – he needs me.’ She shrugged. ‘Anyway, all this chatter is doing nothing for your muscle tone, and I’m on the clock! Stand on the mat, feet hip-distance apart.’

  And just like that, we were onto a new subject. At least everything was out in the open, though I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to now do with Andrew. He was all lined up, ready for a date, and Sam had come along and stolen Megan’s affections. I rolled my head around as instructed, and then my shoulders, but the tension still filled my chest. The deep breaths and stretches were doing nothing.

  ‘Don’t you at least want to see the teacher’s profile? You might want to go on a date to see if you get on?’ I said a little later.

  ‘I’m happy seeing where things go with Sam,’ Megan said again, glaring at me. ‘If Sam thinks I’m interested in other men, he’ll think I’m not interested in him.’

  ‘But Sam might not be ready for a relationship. He might not even be interested. If I were you I’d—’

  ‘Stop right there.’ Megan took me by surprise and I did as I was told. ‘You need to stop interfering in other people’s lives, Charlotte. I think the world of you and I know you’re a good person but you have to let people deal with their own crap.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘No buts. I’m dealing with my situation and anyway, if you’re desperate for a project, you have the small matter of a certain dating profile to decommission.’

  I bit my lip. It was excruciating but she was right. She was making a huge mistake and I couldn’t stop her.

  ‘So you’re not curious about Andrew?’ I couldn’t stop it from popping out.

  She boggled at me. ‘Andrew?’

  ‘The primary teacher.’

  She looked at me pointedly. ‘No.’

  Things were, once again, not going to plan.

  Once Megan left, I did everything I could to avoid checking for messages from Andrew. I cleared out my walk-in wardrobe and the clothes I didn’t or couldn’t any longer wear, I took to the charity shop owned by the hospice out of guilt for not pulling my weight recently. I pulled out my last big purchase, the Missoni dress from Harvey Nicks, and looked at it. It was a nice dress but in light of everything it seemed so pointless – a thoughtless splurge that meant nothing but cost a month’s salary for most people. Yes, it was a nice dress but I hadn’t needed it – I stuffed it into the bag. I started to realise that it’s people that really mattered.

  I went to the farm shop on the way out to Wilmslow and then came home and prepared dinner. James came in and placed his newspaper down on the table before kissing my forehead, a gesture that made my blood run cold rather than hot. It was just after six again.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ he asked.

  ‘Still a little nauseous.’

  ‘Will that go away?’

  ‘Maybe, maybe not. We should tell your mother.’

  ‘Yes, I was planning on inviting her over for dinner.’

  I shot him a sideways look.

  ‘Perhaps we could take her out for dinner instead,’ he said hastily. ‘I’ll call her.’

  I glanced over to the pans on the stove, tortellini bubbling away and a homemade sauce alongside it. ‘Fine,’ I said. He could have that for lunch the following day. Normally leaving a meal I’d just prepared would rankle me, but I didn’t care any more.

  James called his mother and we both changed for dinner before taking my car to pick her up. Safe in the knowledge he had a designated driver, James didn’t need to start the age-old marital debate about who would drive home. However, if either of us needed a drink, that person would be me.

/>   I’d sat in the back on the way there to allow Frances the shotgun seat next to her prized possession. I zoned out as she wittered on about how James was so successful and how he deserved so much pampering for working so hard. Fortunately, the blood pumping around my ears had a brilliant muffling effect. He wasn’t going to tell her of his little indiscretion, was he?

  As we pulled up outside the Thai restaurant, Frances stormed straight in to request a table ‘near a window and away from the clatter of the kitchen’, while James came and opened the door for me.

  ‘I’m surprised you needed your headlights what with all that sunshine beaming from your arse,’ I snapped.

  ‘Charlotte, now come on,’ he said. ‘She’s just proud of her only son, as are all mothers.’

  ‘Will you be filling her in with regards to your pro-boner work?’ I smirked at my own pun.

  ‘What the hell has got into you?’ he hissed. ‘This language is not you, Charlotte.’

  ‘Answer the question, James. Will you be telling her about Samantha?’

  He sighed heavily. ‘I wasn’t going to.’ I knew it. ‘She’s alone, Charlotte, and I’m all she’s got. She doesn’t need a worry like that.’

  I didn’t argue about it. If he couldn’t see she wasn’t just a fragile old widow, there was simply no point.

  Resigned to the fact we’d at least get a squeeze of positive zest from Frances, I sloped inside towards the glow of the restaurant.

  She was already sitting at a table – by the window and away from the kitchen – perusing the menu. I sat down silently and James sat too, instinctively picking up the wine menu. ‘What do you fancy, Mother? Fizz? A nice Malbec? Chablis?’ His eyes flicked from top to bottom of the list.

  ‘I don’t mind, dear. What would you like, Charlotte?’ She smiled without displacing so much as a talon on her crow’s feet.

  ‘Actually, Mother,’ James said, ‘Charlotte isn’t drinking tonight.’ He took my hand in his, and once again, I failed to register any kind of penetrating warmth in his touch. ‘We’re pregnant.’