Craving Constellations

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  I barely noticed when Dragon laid me down on the bed and wrapped me tightly in the comforter we’d used the night before. He sat with me for a while, rubbing my head and whispering comforting things, until I closed my eyes. I was hoping he’d think I’d fallen asleep. Once he left the room, I heard him talking to Pop, and I knew they were trying to figure out how we would fight this. I just needed a minute to myself before I went out and got Trix dried off and dressed. I just needed a minute to wallow and worry and panic before she saw me.

  The reason I left Tony was playing in the yard, and for the first time in her life, she was happy and secure enough to laugh at the top of her lungs. She was slowly coming out of her shell and felt comfortable enough to whine like any other kid her age. She was happy, and it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

  It was all going to come crashing down around us, and my chest physically ached at the thought of Trix retreating back into the shell she’d been in since birth.

  My nightmare, the very thing I’d been running from, had caught up to me. Tony was suing me for full custody of my daughter, and he had the money and the lawyers to win.

  Trix came bounding into the room, fully dressed, before I could make myself crawl out of my cocoon. Dragon was close behind her, trying to keep her from waking me up, but he paused when he noticed my eyes were open.

  “Hey, Mama. You tired?” Trix asked me, and I could see the apprehension in her eyes.

  She was far too perceptive for me to play it off. She slowed down as she reached the bed and gingerly started to crawl up like she’d done a hundred times before. I didn’t want her thinking I was hurt, so I quickly shoved my arms out of the blankets and grabbed her up, pulling her on top of me.

  “Hey, baby girl! You have fun in the sprinkler?”

  She was confused about me lying in bed in the middle of the day, but she was giggling cautiously as I squeezed my arms around her middle.

  “Yeah, let’s do it again tomorrow!” she told me with her eyes wide.

  “If it’s warm out again, we can. Maybe I’ll get in tomorrow!”

  She laughed as I rolled her to my side and pulled the blankets up and over our heads. The light shining through the windows let me see her face clearly, and she was once again the happy girl I was coming to expect. Once we were under the covers, she started whispering, like she was telling me a big secret.

  “Papa said I get to stay the night at Auntie Vera’s tonight! Can I come home tomorrow, so we can do the sprinkler?” she asked with her eyebrows lowered questioningly.

  “Sure, baby. I’ll have her bring you home as soon as you wake up, and we can have pancakes when you get here.” I was irritated that Dragon had given permission for her to go to Vera’s, but I knew it would be better for her if she wasn’t home tonight while we dealt with Tony’s newest blow. “Want me to help you pack for your first ever sleepover?”

  “Yeah! Can I bring my Legos?”

  “Sure, baby. Let’s go get your stuff.”

  I flipped the covers down to our waist, and I was surprised to see Dragon leaning against the doorway with a small smile on his face. I’d forgotten he came into the room with Trix when I put the blankets over our heads. He was looking at me like he couldn’t believe what he saw, and I wanted to lie there, basking in it, but Trix had other ideas and jumped like a kamikaze off the bed.

  “Let’s go, Mama!”

  I climbed out of bed and watched as she raced past Dragon and out of my room, mumbling the whole way about what she wanted to bring with her. As I went to pass him in the doorway, he stopped me with a hand on my arm. Before I could even look up, he grabbed both sides of my face, tunneling his long fingers through the hair by my ears and tilting my face to his.

  “Best mama in the world, and I’m the lucky bastard who knocked her up,” he whispered as his eyes held mine. “We’ll figure this out. Our girl’s not goin’ nowhere.”

  He waited until I gave him a small nod, and then he kissed me like he’d never done before. It was soft and tender, and I felt my eyes starting to burn until he lifted his head.

  “Go get our girl packed up,” he told me and slapped me on the ass to get me moving.

  Once Trix was on her way with Vera, Dragon and I sat down at the kitchen table with my pop. I knew they were trying to figure out how to stop Tony, but they didn’t know him or the lengths he would go to get his way like I did.

  “He’s not her father; he can’t do this shit!” Dragon broke the silence by slamming his fist on the table.

  “Yeah, you’re right, but fuck, he’s on the birth certificate, right? We gotta get you one of them damn DNA tests.” By the tone of Pop’s voice, I knew he was trying to calm Dragon down, and his no-nonsense voice seemed to do the trick.

  “Yeah, I guess. They have that shit at the fuckin’ pharmacy by the condoms. How fuckers ever want to get laid after they see that shit, I will never know.”

  “They do the test right there at the pharmacy?”

  “Nah, you do it at home, and then you have to send it in to the company, and they mail you the results.”

  My eyes, which had been staring blankly at the tabletop, jerked to Dragon after his little explanation. He was watching me, and as soon as he saw the horrified look on my face, he explained.

  “Some chick was eyein’ me as she got her fuckin’ tampons, and I didn’t want her watchin’ me pick out fuckin’ condoms. Bitch was skanky as all hell.” His ears had turned bright red as Pop laughed at him across the table. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Picked up the first thing I saw that didn’t say ‘lubricated’ and acted like I was busy. She practically ran.”

  They were both laughing by this time, but I just didn’t have it in me. I was hollow. It felt like every wall that I’d built was crumbling around me as I sat at the scarred wooden table. I’d have to go back to him. I didn’t see any way for me to win this fight, and I’d never let Trix go to him without me.

  I was scared—more scared than I’d ever been in my entire life even when I’d thought he would kill me. We’d been here over a month, and in that time, I had lost the hard shell that had once protected me. I felt everything. Every word and deed caused an emotion in me that I hadn’t felt in years, except for with Trix. This time, I knew he could get to me, the real me. Not just my body, but my emotions. They were too raw to withstand him, and I knew he would finally break me. I was terrified of what would happen to Trix after I was broken.

  I cleared my throat to get their attention. “You can’t send away for anything. That’ll take too long. I don’t think it’ll matter anyway. We were married when I had th…Trix.” I caught myself and took a deep breath. “I’m not sure what the laws are, but I do know from searching online that if I was married to him when I had her, she’s legally considered his.”

  I jumped when Dragon pushed quickly to his feet, and his chair screeched back against the floor. He started pacing back and forth in anger, and I didn’t know if it was from the futility of our situation or the reminder that I was married when I had Trix.

  “You had to fuckin’ marry him, right?” He shook his head at my stupidity. “Had to find some suit-wearin’ fuckin’ psychopath to raise our daughter with. Couldn’t fuckin’ come home. Oh no, high-class piece like you had to have a fuckin’ suit, right?” He laughed humorlessly.

  “Son, sit down, so we can figure this shit out. No need to be sayin’ things you’re gonna regret later,” my pop said quietly across the table. “Sooner we figure this out, sooner you two can figure out what the fuck you’re doin’. End of the day, my granddaughter isn’t going anywhere. Not while I have breath left in my body. Just gotta figure out where we go from here.”

  Once again, Pop talked Dragon down. It was evident to me just how much respect he had for my father by the way he listened when Pop spoke. I was, in turn, both relieved that their relationship was still solid and guilty with the knowledge that I could have messed that up.

  “Sounds like we’re gonna be goin�
�� to court. Fuck me.”

  “You sure that’s the way you wanna play this?” Pop asked Dragon with a look on his face that I couldn’t interpret.

  “My name is going to be on that fuckin’ certificate, Poet. Do what I have to in order to make it that way.” He grabbed his keys off the counter and headed toward the front door. “Be back later. You good here?” he called to my Pop, catching his nod as he walked through the front door.

  He never even looked at me. The pieces of me that I’d thought shattered in the yard proved that they could break even smaller as I watched him walk through the door. I needed him, and he was gone.

  “Don’t worry, bonnie Brenna,” Pop told me as I twisted back to face him. “He just needs a little time. He’ll be back.”

  I knew he’d be back, but I didn’t know what he’d find when he got here. I felt like I was already gone.

  “He’d give his life for you and Trix, Brenna. He’d walk through fire. He’d slay a dragon. He’d go to prison.” With that, he walked quietly into the bathroom.

  Pop and I spent the next few hours sitting on the couch, watching movies. It would be more apt to say that Pop watched movies, and I stared into space, my mind spinning with possibilities. When I’d sat without moving or talking for a solid two hours, Pop finally wrapped his arm across my shoulders and pulled me against the side of his chest.

  “Gonna work out, Brenna. You trust your old pop for that, eh?” He kissed the top of my head as I snuggled in against him.

  It was only a few minutes later that the safety and comfort of my pop’s arms lulled me to sleep. I barely noticed when he carried me to bed, and in the back of my mind, I hoped the bed didn’t smell like sex as I fell back asleep.

  A few hours later, I woke up to Dragon climbing in next to me. I tried not to stiffen when he did, but I couldn’t help myself when he reached around my waist to unbutton the jean shorts I’d worn to bed.

  “Know you’re awake, Bren. Ya don’t need to wear these to bed. Ain’t gonna stop me anyway,” he mumbled from behind my head.

  My voice was scratchy from sleep when I answered him, “Pop carried me to bed…I’m a little old for him to put me in my pajamas.”

  “Oh, yeah? You fall asleep on the couch?” he asked me as he pulled my shorts and underwear down my legs.

  I let him. I needed him close to me, and I didn’t care how.

  “Yeah, he was watching some shoot-’em-up movie. Not really my thing,” I told him as I lifted my arms, so he could pull off my tank top and unfasten my bra.

  As soon as he had me undressed, he pulled me close and buried his head between my breasts, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. My hands went to his hair and pulled out the tie as his breath blew hot and hard over my skin.

  “I fuckin’ hate this shit, Brenna. I hate knowin’ he’s got any ties to either of ya. I fuckin’ hate that he can still make you fall to your knees in the yard like your legs ain’t got any strength left in ’em. I hate that he got to see my girl growing in you, and he got to see her growin’ after that. I fucking hate it. And it’s your fault.”

  My fingers tightened in his hair as his last sentence hit me. He squeezed me twice and then lifted his face to mine.

  “But I don’t hate you. I’ve fuckin’ craved you for years. Watchin’ the stars. Tattooing those constellations on before the ink you used could wear off. I’ll never stop wanting you, even when I’m so pissed I could knock you across a fuckin’ room.”

  My breath caught in my throat as I pulled my fingers from his hair and traced the three star tattoos I could see above where his body was pressed to mine.

  “Holy shit,” I whispered as the magnitude of this hit me.

  I had thought he wanted me for me, but when Trix was added to the equation, it was hard to be sure. Lots of guys didn’t feel the need to play house with the mother of their child; I knew this. Dragon had always craved a family though, and a small part in the back of my mind warned me that I was just a means to Trix.

  He’d gotten these tattoos before Trix was known…to even me.

  Before I could get emotional, he grunted and pulled himself higher on my body.

  “Kiss your man. Been a long day, I’m fuckin’ ready for it to be over.”

  I slid my hands back up his shoulders and into his hair as I touched my mouth to his. I was disappointed he was ready for bed, but I understood the sentiment. It had been a hell of a day. As I started to pull my mouth from his, he made a disgruntled noise and reached up to grab my hair in one fist, keeping my mouth fused to his. My nipples had been hard from the moment he’d slid naked into bed beside me, but as he bit my bottom lip, I felt the wetness between my thighs. I wasn’t sure what type of noise I made, but he started murmuring to me as he ran one of his hands down my body, pausing to pinch my nipples and scratch his short nails down my stomach.

  He traced the lines of my tattoo across my stomach. “I know, baby. I know what you need.”

  He kept speaking quietly as I thrashed on the bed, none of my movements putting his hands where I needed them. When I could finally feel a fine sheen of sweat on my body, he slammed two of his fingers into me, and I let out a strangled yell as I came.

  “You needed that, yeah?” He chuckled at my throat.

  Before I could catch my breath, his forearms were pinning my thighs uncomfortably wide on the bed. He had dropped his head, using his tongue to build me up again. I couldn’t even protest. I was so sensitive that it was painful, but I wanted more. I wanted everything. It only took a few minutes before my body started to tense, my hamstrings burning from the pressure of Dragon’s forearms keeping my straining muscles still. Before I could come, Dragon climbed off the bed and flipped me over, so I was lying on my stomach. Then, he grabbed my hips and slid me toward where he was standing at the end of the bed.

  “No, Brenna.” His voice was raspy with arousal. “Keep your legs on the bed. Feet at the edge.”

  I pulled my knees up and under me to keep my legs on the bed, but I wasn’t quite sure what he had in mind until he reached under me and spread my knees wide. If I were standing, it would have looked like a crouch, but as it was, I figured I probably looked more like a frog. My feet were soles up on each side of my ass, and he’d pushed down on the small of my back, so my head and shoulders were arched toward the bed. It wasn’t uncomfortable really, just a strange position to hold for any length of time.

  I didn’t know what all of the fuss was about until he pulled up lightly on my hips, making the position even harder to hold as my thighs screamed for relief. All discomfort was forgotten though as he grabbed one of my shoulders and positioned himself at my opening.

  “Hold on, Brenna,” was all the warning I got before he slid inside me in one hard stroke.

  I felt my back arch at the intrusion, but soon, the surprise turned into want as I grabbed the sheets above my head for any traction I could find. It felt as if he was moving me across the bed, but he still stood at the foot, so I knew in the back of my mind that I was staying in one spot. I soon realized why Dragon had chosen this position. I was helpless with my legs spread wide with no handhold for my arms. I had to just take whatever he gave me, spread wide open and gasping for breath. He felt so good pushing and pulling that I could hear noises coming from the back of my throat, and I didn’t even try to stop them. I could feel him tracing where we met with his fingers, and I was vaguely wondering what we looked like at that angle when he used one of his wet fingers to slide gently into my ass. After that, I detonated, and I was barely aware of when he came. He gently straightened out my legs and cleaned me up, but I was drowsy, floating in a sea of euphoria that I didn’t want to leave. So, I just let him do his thing and curled up next to him to sleep.

  I woke up about an hour later to Dragon staring up at the ceiling of our room. I couldn’t read his expression, but if he was wide-awake in the middle of the night, I knew it couldn’t be good. I stretched against him to get his attention, and he looked down at me with a sm
ile.

  “Mmmm,” I hummed into his chest. “I liked that.”

  “Know you did.” His chest shook with a quiet chuckle, which immediately irritated me.

  “Cocky. Maybe I hated it. How would you know?”

  “Bren, you came. Twice. Your thighs were fucking soaked.” I dug my chin into his chest, but I quickly stopped when I remembered his bruises.

  When he mumbled, “Shit, so were mine,” I thought about doing it again.

  He grabbed my chin before I could push my head down and held my eyes. “Layin’ there, lettin’ me do whatever I wanted…” He smiled slyly.

  “I don’t just lie there!”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  “If I just lay there like a bump on a log, why don’t you go back to that club skank you were with?” I asked with attitude, my eyebrows lifted toward my hairline.

  “Brenna, you have absolutely no fuckin’ clue,” he told me, shaking his head.

  Before I could pull myself away from him, the hand around my torso tightened.

  “It’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen, watching you take me. Not sayin’ you’re a bump on a log, for fuck’s sake. You trust me to give it to you. You know I will, and you let me do it. I know you haven’t been with many men, but let me tell you, that ain’t how it usually is. You’re so fuckin’ sexy layin’ there, sayin’ my name, makin’ those noises you make. Wouldn’t trade that for anything. Yeah?” He squeezed me in emphasis.

  “Okay,” I answered meekly, feeling like an ass for getting pissy when he was trying to give me a compliment.

  “Go to sleep. Gotta get up early, so I can fuck you again before Trix gets home.”

  I curled back against him and sighed. Morning was going to bring the nightmare back, but for that moment, I was wrapped up in Dragon, and I could breathe easy.