Extra Time

by Michelle Betham

  ‘She’s married, in case you hadn’t noticed. To the boss.’

  ‘That means nothing in your world, Ryan.’

  He grabbed her gently by the wrist and led her out of the Players’ Lounge, back through into the main reception area. ‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It means, I can’t compete with her, can I?’ Ellen replied, shaking him off. ‘How can I, when she’s still here, and you still feel the way you do about her.’

  ‘What the… Ellen, Jesus, I don’t feel anything for her. I don’t…’

  ‘Then why can’t you move forward, Ryan? Why can’t you let yourself move forward?’

  He took her hand and led her outside, finding a quiet corner away from the post-match crowds of people still milling about in front of the main entrance. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Me and you, Ryan. I’m talking about me and you.’

  ‘You really do pick your fucking times to start a conversation, babe, I’ll give you that much. And this really isn’t the time or the place. I’ve got to go talk to the boss in a minute, so…’ He looked at her. She was this beautiful, kind, loyal woman. She was everything he needed, and he was lucky to have her in his life, he knew that. But she just wasn’t Amber. And that’s where all his problems lay.

  ‘I love you, Ryan.’

  Her words hit him like a bolt from the blue; he felt as though someone had just kicked him hard in the stomach, knocking every breath out of him. He really, really didn’t need this. Not now.

  ‘Doesn’t that mean anything to you?’

  ‘I don’t deserve you,’ he whispered, leaning back against the wall, his eyes staring down at the ground.

  ‘Yeah. You do.’ Ellen smiled, quickly kissing his mouth, her hands sliding up under his t-shirt.

  He looked at her again – right into her eyes. Was he taking the coward’s way out? Pinning all his hopes on a loan request that may never happen in the hope that it stopped him regretting actions he could never take back? Shouldn’t he just be strong and deal with things like an adult? Isn’t that what Amber would tell him to do?

  ‘I think it’s about time we made things a bit more permanent, don’t you?’ he said, trying to batter down a brief feeling of – was that fear? – over what he was about to do next. Knee-jerk reactions never had worked for him in the past, but he had to try something. Anything.

  ‘Yes?’ Ellen breathed, her eyes wide with hope.

  ‘Why… why don’t you move in with me? Let’s try and make a proper go of things. What do you say?’ What was he doing? The only thing he could do, really. Carry on with the life he had, because he couldn’t have the one he wanted.

  ‘I say yes! Of course I say yes!’ she squealed, jumping into his arms and hugging him tight. ‘Oh my God! I’m so excited!’

  Ryan wished he felt the same, but all he was getting was the feeling that he’d just made a huge mistake, and one he couldn’t exactly take back now, could he?

  ‘Can I bring my stuff over tomorrow?’ Ellen asked, already tapping out a message on her phone.

  ‘Yeah, sure… Look, Ellen, can we keep this kind of low-key? For now? Just until we both get used to the idea.’

  She looked up at him, and he wished he hadn’t had to do that because this was obviously something she’d wanted for a while, in fact, he knew it was. And to finally hear those words from him had probably made her day, even if he did say so himself. But he just didn’t want his private life being made public knowledge – for a change. And whilst that might not be able to be the case forever, he could try and keep it quiet for as long as he possibly could.

  ‘Yeah. Okay. If that’s what you want.’ She couldn’t hide the disappointment in her voice, and Ryan felt another sharp stab of guilt.

  ‘Just for a little while, babe. I don’t want to jinx anything, you know?’ He might have been lucky enough to have pulled that one back from the brink, as the smile she’d worn before quickly replaced the frown.

  ‘That makes sense,’ she said, dropping her phone back into her bag.

  He breathed a silent sigh of relief. ‘Okay, listen, I’ve got to run. The boss wants a word and I’m already late, but I’ll see you later, all right?’

  She nodded, and he left her still smiling as he ran back inside, the relief he felt at being out of that situation – even for just a few minutes – palpable. Whatever he’d done, he was going to have to see it through now. Until such a time when an opportunity arose to get him out of it.

  ‘Do you know how hard it’s been tonight?’ Ronnie whispered.

  Amber tried not to look directly into his eyes, because she knew exactly how hard it had been.

  ‘There must be some place we can go? I just need to touch you, Amber. To see you naked, feel how ready you are…’

  ‘Will you shut up!’ she hissed.

  Ronnie grinned, and she couldn’t help but smile back. ‘You are so easy to wind up,’ he laughed.

  ‘Bastard,’ Amber said, laughing too, despite herself. ‘But I don’t even think we should be joking about it, Ronnie, not in here. Everything’s just a bit too close, you know?’ She looked at him, which only served to kick-start a barrage of mixed emotions she couldn’t control. Part of her wanted to do nothing more than go home with him and let him temporarily erase all the guilt, whilst the other half wanted to find Jim and get out of there as soon as she could, before temptation led her into something else she could stick on her list of regrets. And she knew which part of her was losing the fight. ‘I need some fresh air, okay? I won’t be long.’

  ‘Amber…’

  ‘It’s nothing you’ve said, Ronnie. I just can’t deal with this when we’re here, all right?’

  She threw him a smile before pushing her way through the crowded post-match Players’ Lounge, not stopping until she was outside. The affair with Ronnie had been going on for weeks now, and whilst she knew it was wrong, she couldn’t stop herself. When she was with him she felt different; she didn’t feel pressured or confused – she felt free. She felt as though she could do anything, and she liked that feeling. It was a feeling she could get used to.

  Her relationship with Jim was still strained, but they were talking things through; they were trying to move forward, but how could that happen when she was doing what she was doing with Ronnie? How could anything ever get better when she was stuck in a cycle of cheating and deceit? Something she’d accused Jim of so many times in the past, so the hypocrisy of what she was doing didn’t escape her.

  ‘You all right?’

  She opened her eyes to see Brandon Palmer standing next to her, his young and handsome face once again bringing back a million memories of a past with his father. And a future she was almost single-handedly wrecking.

  ‘I’m fine. Thank you.’

  ‘You don’t look it.’

  Amber didn’t really want to get into this conversation with him, so she quickly changed the subject. ‘It was good of you to come tonight. Jim was really pleased to see you.’

  ‘Well, considering I only live a stone’s throw away from Tynebridge, it wasn’t exactly a chore to get here. And I like to check out the opposition, what with the local derby just a few weeks away.’

  Amber couldn’t help smiling. ‘You’ve never experienced a local North East derby, have you?’

  He shook his head, leaning back against the wall beside her, his hands in his pockets. ‘Dad tells me they’re something else, though.’

  ‘Oh, they’re that all right,’ Amber laughed, suddenly glad he’d turned up. He made her smile, despite him being – albeit indirectly – one of the causes of her and Jim’s problems. But it wasn’t his fault. Whatever was going on between her and Jim, none of it was Brandon’s fault. But it was his father’s.

  ‘Are you and my dad okay, Amber? I mean, I don’t want to pry or anything, but…’

  ‘Then don’t.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I guess it’s none of my business. I just don’t want my being here to get in the way,
I don’t want to cause any trouble…’

  ‘I’ve told you before, Brandon, you’re not in the way. And you’re certainly not causing any trouble. Me and your dad, we’re just going through a tough time right now, that’s all. And I know we’ve only been married a few months, and it normally takes a lot longer for tough times to manifest themselves in marriages, but… well, things are never straightforward, are they? And mine and your dad’s relationship is nothing if not complicated.’

  He looked down at the ground, his hands still firmly in his pockets. ‘Did my dad tell you I’ve been called up for the England squad? For the match against Portugal next week at Wembley?’

  Amber frowned as Brandon’s words slowly sunk in. ‘England? How can you…? You’re American. How can you be called up for the England squad?’

  He looked at her with a slightly confused expression. ‘I’ve got dual nationality, so I got to choose whether I played for the USA or England. And even though I’m American through and through – I love my country – but as far as getting noticed on the international soccer stage is concerned, I had to pick England, really… Didn’t my dad tell you? My mom’s English. He met her over here, in the North East… Amber…’

  She’d heard enough. More lies, and once again it would appear she was the last to know.

  ‘You spoken to Max yet?’ Jim asked, not looking up as Ryan closed the office door behind him.

  ‘About what?’

  This time Jim did look up. ‘About your loan request. Don’t get smart with me, Ryan. It won’t work.’

  ‘I wasn’t trying to… No. I haven’t spoken to him. I mean, I’ve mentioned it, but… I haven’t spoken to him properly about it. Not yet.’

  ‘How serious are you about all of this?’ Jim asked, standing up and walking round the front of his desk, perching himself on the edge of it, his eyes never leaving Ryan’s.

  ‘I’m… I…’

  ‘What you’ve asked for, Ryan, it’s big. You’re not a player this club will want to lose, even for just a few months, so if you’re just playing some sort of game…’

  ‘I’m not playing a game, boss. I really do think it would be best for me – and my future here at Red Star – if I took some time away.’

  ‘Because of Amber?’

  Ryan looked down at the floor, aware that Jim’s eyes were still on him.

  ‘Okay,’ Jim sighed, thankfully allowing Ryan no time to answer his question. ‘So you want to experience what it’s like to play soccer over in Spain? Even if it’s with a lower division club?’

  Ryan looked up, although he didn’t meet Jim’s eyes. Instead he focused on a wall full of framed Manager of the Month awards. Jim Allen obviously liked to display his success. ‘I didn’t want to go to another English club. What would be the point of that?’

  ‘Not far enough away from your problems, huh?’

  This time Ryan’s eyes met Jim’s, holding his stare, even though the strength of it was slightly intimidating, even for him. ‘I just need some time away, boss.’ Especially now. He’d just done something he wasn’t proud of, asking Ellen to move in with him when he really didn’t feel that strongly about her – not enough to be less than a few steps away from an engagement, anyway. So if ever he needed to get out of there and get himself back to square one before it was too late, it was now.

  ‘Why? I mean, I sort of know why, but I really want to hear you say it.’

  ‘I’m not in love with her, if that’s what you think.’ Wasn’t he? If he was completely honest with himself, he didn’t know what he felt anymore. For anyone. Which was why he needed that space.

  Jim raised an eyebrow, not making any attempt to break that stare, his arms folded across his chest. ‘I don’t think anything, Ryan. I just need to know how serious you are about that loan request because there’s going to come a day soon when I have to go into that boardroom and convince the directors of this club that loaning you out during one of the most important seasons in Newcastle Red Star’s history is a good idea. And, right now, I have no clue how that’s going to pan out. I mean, what do I tell them?’

  ‘They’re personal reasons, boss. Isn’t that all they need to know?’

  Jim laughed, finally breaking the stare as he looked down at the floor, shaking his head. ‘You have a lot to learn, kiddo. They need to know a lot more than that, believe me. So you tell me, right now, how serious are you?’

  This time it was Ryan’s turn to throw out the determined stare. ‘I’m serious.’

  ‘And if Amber wasn’t around? Would you still be serious?’

  Ryan frowned. He was thrown slightly by that question. But given what had just happened with Ellen, maybe Amber wasn’t the only reason he needed some time away from the North East. He didn’t seem to be handling anything very well at the minute. ‘Yes. I would.’

  Jim said nothing for a few seconds, just continued to stare at Ryan. ‘And if it became possible for you to make that move before the January transfer window opens? Would you be quite happy to leave Newcastle Red Star at a moment’s notice? I’ve been talking to Bennie Felipe, CD Adeje’s manager, and he’s quite keen for you to go over there for a few months, if that’s what you really want. They’ve had a great season so far but they need a replacement striker while their main guy recovers from injury, and he tells me you two have spoken since our pre-season tour, is that right?’

  Ryan nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I spoke to him when we were out there in Tenerife, and I’ve been in contact a couple of times over the past few weeks.’ He frowned again, his head starting to spin. Suddenly everything seemed to be happening at a speed he hadn’t been prepared for. ‘But I… I didn’t think it would be possible to leave Red Star before January, not without one hell of a valid reason.’

  Jim walked over to the sideboard and poured himself a small glass of whisky. ‘Want one?’ he asked, lifting up his glass and looking at Ryan.

  ‘No. No, thank you. I thought…’

  ‘Nothing is impossible, Ryan.’ Jim took a sip of his whisky. ‘Not if you know the right people.’

  ‘And you know the right people, do you?’

  Jim looked straight at Ryan, but he didn’t answer his question. Finishing off his drink in one more mouthful, almost slamming the glass back down on the sideboard, he walked back behind his desk. ‘I just needed to know how serious you were, Ryan.’

  ‘And I’ve told you – I’m serious.’

  ‘Then you’d better talk to your agent. And make it sooner rather than later. Okay?’

  Amber pushed the door of Jim’s office open, taken aback slightly by Ryan’s presence.

  Jim looked up, not even the tiniest flicker of surprise crossing his face at her unexpected entrance.

  ‘Is he leaving?’ she asked, looking briefly over at Ryan, who immediately looked away.

  ‘I’ll speak to you later, Fisher,’ Jim said, dismissing him instantly. ‘Let me know when you’ve spoken to Max.’

  Amber waited until Ryan had closed the door behind him before she turned to face Jim. ‘Brandon has dual nationality?’

  Jim looked at her, and his silence did nothing but anger Amber even more.

  ‘He’s been called up for the England squad, Jim. Just how long did you think you’d be able to keep that one a secret? Given that I’m covering that international match for Cloud Sports next week? Jesus Christ, how do I not know these things?’

  ‘It’s no big deal, Amber. I never said his mom was American, did I? Her nationality is of no consequence. I only said I met her in America…’

  ‘But you didn’t, did you? Because I’ve just been talking to Brandon, and he told me you met her in England. That you met here, in the North East. So why the big secret, Jim? What else have you got to hide?’

  ‘There’s no secret, Amber. Honey, believe me, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It matters to me, Jim. Don’t you see? Because it’s one more lie, one more secret, one more thing you didn’t tell me, and if it r
eally doesn’t matter then why didn’t you just tell me the truth? Why did you tell me you met her in the U.S.? Why did you do that?’

  Jim pushed a hand through his hair, walking over to her, but she backed away. ‘Amber, I really didn’t think it was important, I mean, she moved over to New York before Brandon was born, and we were never really together as a couple. Not for long, anyway…’

  Amber narrowed her eyes as she looked at him. ‘You told me you were never together as a couple at all. You told me it was one night, that was all. Just one night. You told me it meant nothing… Why the hell do you find it so fucking hard to be honest with me, Jim? Why? I just don’t get it. It’s like… it’s like you’re trying everything you can to push me further away.’

  ‘It isn’t like that, Amber.’

  ‘Then why lie to me? Again? You told me we weren’t even together when this happened, so I don’t understand why you couldn’t just tell me you met her over here? What difference would it have made?’

  ‘I don’t… Look, I got so much shit wrong, okay?’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘And I didn’t tell you about Brandon’s mom because… because I didn’t think you needed to know… I didn’t think…’

  ‘No. You didn’t. You never do. Oh, do you know what? I’ve had enough of this. I don’t even want to think about it anymore, I’m out of here.’

  ‘We were married, Amber. Me and Brandon’s mom. We were married.’

  She stopped dead in her tracks, keeping her back to him.

  ‘But it was a marriage of convenience, I swear to you…’

  Amber didn’t want to hang around and listen to any more. She was tired, of so much more than just Jim’s lies.

  ‘Amber, baby, please…’

  She just shook her head as she walked out of his office, closing the door quietly behind her.

  ‘Everything all right?’

  She looked up at the sound of Ryan’s voice. He was standing out in the corridor, hands in his pockets as he leaned back against the wall.

  ‘Everything’s fine.’

  ‘Really?’ he asked, raising an eyebrow.