Extra Time

by Michelle Betham

  Amber threw her head back, sighing quietly. ‘Jesus Christ, Jim…’

  ‘I know. I know I was stupid, and I know it could have ended up a whole lot worse…’

  She stared at him, arching an eyebrow. ‘Oh, you think so?’

  He closed his eyes again. This was harder than he’d ever thought it could be, because Amber had almost certainly erected those barriers around herself again – to protect him from her, as well as the other way around? And if that was the case, could they ever really get back to where they’d once been? To a time when they’d been happy. But that had been a time when the lies and the secrets and the painful inevitabilities of their marriage had still existed, so was what was happening here a situation they were never really going to be able to avoid? Was it always going to have happened, no matter what? He took another drink, draining his glass. ‘It really was just one night, Amber. That was the one and only time we ever slept together, I…’ He looked at her. He was going to say ‘I promise you’, but knowing the way she felt about him saying those words, he thought better of it.

  ‘You married her,’ Amber pointed out, walking over to him and retrieving his empty glass, giving him a refill without asking if he wanted one.

  Jim took a deep breath before speaking again. ‘It was about – I dunno – about three months later, maybe more, when she contacted me again, when she told me she was pregnant. And given her line of work I wasn’t convinced, you know? I wasn’t convinced the baby was mine.’

  ‘Understandable,’ Amber said, resuming her position by the fireplace.

  ‘But she was insistent. She said I was the only guy she’d slept with who hadn’t used any protection…’

  Amber looked down at the floor, not sure she really wanted to hear anymore, but at the same time she knew she had to.

  ‘I’d been careless, reckless. I had to take responsibility.’

  ‘So you married her? Just like that?’

  ‘She was… she was a student. Studying law. She’d been in her final year at university and… and even though she’d only done what she’d done to make some extra money, she… it was never gonna be a way of life for her. She’d made mistakes – and we all do that, don’t we?’

  His eyes locked onto hers and Amber felt a shiver run right through her. But she said nothing, just let him continue.

  ‘I couldn’t know for definite that it was my baby, not until it was born but… I trusted her.’

  ‘You trusted a prostitute? Who worked The Goldman?’

  He looked at her again, his eyes almost begging her to believe him. But getting her to believe anything he said wasn’t an easy thing to do anymore. If it ever had been. ‘I trusted her, Amber. And that’s when I realised – if that baby was mine then I didn’t want him being brought up in a life where his mom had to struggle to survive, where he couldn’t have the simplest of things. I wanted him to have a safe life. To have a roof over his head and food on the table.’

  ‘And you thought marrying her was the way to go about all of that, did you?’

  He looked down into his drink. ‘She graduated just a couple of months before Brandon was born. She wanted to be a lawyer…’

  ‘We all want a lot of things we can’t have, Jim.’

  His eyes met hers again, a silent, almost painful message passing between them. ‘I just wanted my baby to be happy and settled, Amber. That’s all. And it was something I could afford to do.’

  ‘So, you thought it would all work out much better for you if she was out of the country, am I on the right track here?’

  He hung his head, because that was the truth, in reality. He couldn’t deny that. It was the truth. And the beginning of decades of secrets and lies. ‘If it had all come out, yes, it could have damaged my career, maybe, possibly. I can’t… I can’t lie.’

  Amber almost flinched at the irony of those last few words.

  ‘There were opportunities for her over in the States,’ Jim went on, taking a small sip of his second drink.

  ‘Is that what your agent told you?’

  He looked up at her. ‘You don’t flinch from asking the hard questions, do you?’

  ‘It’s my job.’

  He turned his head away for a second, trying to compose himself, because he knew this could turn out to be one long night. ‘We got married in Brooklyn. A very quiet, very quick ceremony – just us, my agent, and my manager. All very hush-hush. The way it had to be…’ He trailed off for a second, taking another sip of brandy. ‘I set her up in a nice, comfortable house in a quiet neighbourhood, somewhere perfect for bringing up kids… Brandon was born just days after the wedding.’

  ‘Were you there? At Brandon’s birth?’ Just asking that question almost broke Amber’s heart, because the thought of him being there, being a part of something he could never be a part of with her, it hurt like nothing had ever hurt before.

  He shook his head, and a selfish wave of relief flooded Amber’s body. ‘She didn’t want me there. We meant nothing to each other, Amber, and that’s the truth. Everything I did, I did it for Brandon. I did it for him. But I… I did see him, not long after he was born.’

  Amber closed her eyes, every crazy, mixed-up emotion, every messed-up, painful feeling she’d gone through in the past few weeks all colliding inside her like the most insensitive party ever thrown, taunting her until she found it hard to keep the tears at bay.

  ‘By the time I had to go back to the U.K. Heather had a place at law school lined up, childcare was sorted, and a DNA test had proved Brandon was mine. But I guess you only have to look at him now to know that.’

  Amber said nothing, but he was right, Brandon had so much of Jim in him it was ridiculous.

  ‘I only married her to make sure she could stay in the U.S., Amber. To make sure my name was on that birth certificate, to make sure my son was going to be okay. No other reason. And you can stand there and tell me you don’t want me to say these words, but I promise you that. I promise you. We divorced as soon as was legally possible, and I guess I was lucky, in reality. Heather never placed any unnecessary demands on me, she understood the way things worked. She still does. She let me get on with my life, and I let her get on with hers. All I ever asked for was the chance to visit my son whenever I could.’

  Amber looked down into her almost-empty glass of brandy. ‘I’m assuming she never went back to…’

  ‘No. She’s worked as a lawyer for years now. And she’s a good one. She met her husband just days after joining the firm she’s worked for since she left Law School. They’ve been happily married ever since. Both of them have been made partners now, so, all in all, it’s worked out for the best.’

  Amber looked up at him. ‘Really?’

  His eyes stayed locked on hers. ‘Maybe everything could have been handled a lot better, Amber, but in the long run nobody got hurt.’

  ‘Nobody got hurt…’ she repeated, finishing the last of her brandy before walking over to the sideboard, placing the empty glass down on it, her hand hovering over the bottle as she contemplated a third drink. ‘Is that how you really see it, Jim?’ She decided against the drink and turned back round to face him. ‘Nobody got hurt?’

  ‘Heather got a new life over there in the U.S., a life she loved – still loves. Brandon was well looked after, and I tried to visit him as much as I could, but…’

  ‘Nobody got hurt.’

  He walked over to her, his eyes on hers all the time, never breaking the stare. ‘How could I know it would all end up like this?’

  ‘You could have tried being honest from the start, Jim. That could have changed everything.’

  ‘Would it have changed the fact you slept with your best friend?’

  She kept her eyes on his, knowing that to break the stare would make her look weak, and yes, she felt guilty, but she wasn’t alone in being in the wrong here. ‘I slept with Ronnie to escape the shit that was going on around me, Jim. And I know that sounds like the most pathetic, over-used excuse, but it’s the
truth. There is no excuse for what I did, and I’m sorry, I truly am, because I shouldn’t have acted so childishly. It was a rash and stupid decision, in hindsight, but do you not see what you do to me? How you push me away? With the lies and the secrets and the fact I just don’t know if I can trust you anymore. Can you not see that?’

  ‘You slept with another man, Amber. We’re married, and you slept with another man. So if we’re playing the blame game here, how can I ever trust you again, knowing what you’ve done?’

  She stared at him, narrowing her eyes slightly. ‘Then walk away.’ She hadn’t even realised the words had slipped out, that she’d said them out loud, but there they were, hanging in the air like some dark, unwanted storm cloud.

  ‘Is that what you want?’

  ‘Don’t make me the one who decides where we go from here, Jim. Don’t make me the one who has to make that decision.’

  ‘Someone else touched you, Amber. In the most intimate of ways. Someone else touched you. He’s been inside you, he saw things only I should be seeing…’

  ‘And isn’t that exactly what you were doing when I was with Ryan? Wasn’t that you? Weren’t you the one who’d turn up on my doorstep, smiling that smile and making me want you?’

  ‘That doesn’t make it okay.’

  ‘I never said it did.’

  ‘You weren’t married to Ryan.’

  She looked into his eyes, once again holding the stare. ‘I almost was.’

  He paused for a second before speaking. ‘But you weren’t, Amber.’ He paused again, their eyes still locked together, the air heavy with the intensity that surrounded them. ‘Do you wish you had married him?’

  She couldn’t help laughing a short, cynical laugh. ‘Jesus, what the hell is that supposed to mean? No, I don’t wish I’d married him.’

  ‘You slept with another man, Amber.’

  She shook her head, backing out of the room and running upstairs. What happened now she had no idea, all she knew was that everything was still as messed up and complicated as it had been before. Nothing was sorted, nothing felt any better or nearer to any kind of conclusion. She didn’t even know how she felt anymore. About anyone, or anything.

  ‘Are you in love with me, Amber?’

  She turned to face him, even though a part of her just wanted to curl up and go to sleep, to forget any of this was happening. He stood in the doorway of their bedroom, leaning against the doorpost, watching her with those piercing green eyes of his. Her handsome husband. A man she didn’t feel as if she knew anymore – if she’d ever really known him at all.

  ‘You know I am.’

  He shook his head slowly, his hands in his pockets. ‘I don’t think I do.’

  ‘Then you’ve just got to believe me.’

  He hung his head, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘Ronnie White – a best friend with benefits, huh?’

  ‘It isn’t like that, Jim.’

  He looked up at her. ‘Isn’t it? I thought it would have been exactly like that. I mean, why else turn to him? You didn’t go running into Ryan’s arms, did you? You didn’t end up in his bed.’

  ‘And why would I have done that? Ryan doesn’t even want me anymore.’

  ‘Oh, doesn’t he?’ Jim fixed Amber with a look that sent her stomach dipping as low as it could go. ‘Why do you think he’s put in this loan request, Amber? Why do you think he’s putting Newcastle Red Star’s season in jeopardy just so he can run away? Why do you think that is, huh? Just what is it he can’t deal with? It’s you, baby. He can’t deal with you.’

  ‘That isn’t my fault,’ Amber said quietly. ‘I can’t help the way he feels, I can’t…’ She looked straight at Jim, wishing with all of her heart that none of this had happened. None of it. ‘You thought me and him…? You really thought…’

  ‘I trusted you, Amber. But I had my doubts about him. Seems I should have had that the other way around though, doesn’t it? Oh, I know he wants you. He’s told me as much himself. But the thing is, he hasn’t acted on that, has he? And that’s why he wants to get away, because he’s scared that he will. He’s scared that he might do something he eventually regrets. And the reason why I was reluctant to let him go? Why, up until this evening, I was still reluctant to let him go? Because even though I knew, deep down, that he would never really try to do anything stupid, not after what he went through last season, there was always this irrational fear in the back of my mind that he might try something – Ryan Fisher is a law unto himself, after all. But there was also the rational part of my brain that said he wouldn’t dare. Not now. Not right under my nose. However, knowing what I know now, Amber; knowing how easily you just give up and run to others when you need some time out – knowing all of that, well, it’s you I don’t trust. Just one small move on his part and you could just crumble, couldn’t you, honey? You could just give in and give him what he wants and I can’t risk that, especially now. Right up until tonight I was still uncertain that letting him go was the right thing to do, even though I could have him on his way within weeks, if that’s what he really wanted. Days, even, if I can talk the right people round. But now – now I’ll do anything in my power to make sure he leaves the North East for as long as it takes him to forget what he had with you.’

  ‘You really think that low of me? After everything you’ve done, you really think that low of me?’

  He walked over to her, tilting her chin up with the back of his hand so she had no option but to look into his eyes. ‘I love you, Amber. And I’m doing it for you, as much as for him.’

  ‘You really believe that, don’t you?’ she said quietly, shaking her head. ‘You know, maybe we really do need some time apart.’

  As she made to turn around, he reached out and grabbed her wrist, swinging her back round to face him. ‘You still want me, Amber. Despite all of this, despite everything I’ve just told you, you still want me. I can feel it, I can see it in your eyes.’

  What could she say to that? A part of her probably did, it was just a part of her that was keeping very quiet right now.

  ‘And even though I know another man’s touched you in ways he really shouldn’t have, I still want you, too, because I am crazy in love with you, Amber.’

  ‘You got the crazy bit right,’ Amber said, pulling her wrist free from his grip, but he was too quick for her, grabbing her again, this time round the waist.

  ‘This is what you do to me,’ he whispered, his mouth close to her ear, his hand on her hip keeping her against him. ‘In some strange way, the thought of you with another man is actually turning me on.’

  He began kissing her neck, and against everything she wanted to feel, she felt herself giving in to him. She felt those familiar tingles, that deep ache in the pit of her stomach that signalled something incredible was about to happen.

  ‘Jim…’

  ‘It’s okay, baby… Everything’s gonna be okay.’

  Was it? Really? After everything that had happened?

  ‘Lie down,’ he whispered, pulling back slightly so she could see his face.

  It felt as though she’d suddenly been hypnotised by some invisible force as she lay back on the bed, closing her eyes as he slowly stripped the clothes from her body. Bit by bit she could feel herself becoming exposed, creating an almost warped sense of liberty, given the circumstances. Part of her didn’t really want this, yet another part of her wanted it more than she could explain, and as his lips began touching her naked skin, she knew which side of her had won out. Despite herself.

  ‘Put your hands above your head,’ Jim ordered, taking something out of his back pocket.

  Amber recognised it as the scarf she’d taken off downstairs, and once again her stomach did that flip, sending out a message to her to get ready for something she wasn’t going to forget. ‘Jim… I don’t…’

  He just smiled at her, gently pulling her wrists together above her head, tying one end of the scarf loosely around them before fastening the other end to the headboard. ‘I wo
n’t hurt you, Amber. In fact, I guarantee, you’re gonna love this.’

  ‘Shouldn’t we…?’

  ‘I don’t want to argue any more, baby. I just want to be with you.’

  She was about to say something, to put up some kind of fight, when she felt his hand slide between her legs, parting them gently, and just that one touch sent her heart racing, her body breaking out in a million tiny goose bumps. Arching her back, she gave in to it all, surrendering to whatever it was this was going to turn out to be, because, all of a sudden, this was the way she wanted it– for him to be in total control, to take over everything. She was too tired, too exhausted for it to be any other way.

  ‘Oh Jesus, Jim…’ she groaned, her hips bucking as his mouth replaced his hand, his tongue slowly exploring a place he knew only too well. His hands were pushing her legs wider apart, his mouth taking in every inch of her – Amber had never felt anything like it. She was burning up, turned on by the fact she couldn’t touch him, her stomach dipping and diving on a constant loop as he continued to probe harder and faster, taking her right to the edge before pulling her right back again.

  She wanted to come – she could feel it about to happen, feel that rush about to take hold, and he must have felt it, too, because he pulled away, kneeling up for a second to look at her. It was both the strangest and the most erotic experience of her life, just watching him, staring at her, his eyes scanning her naked body in a way that almost brought her to orgasm without him laying another finger on her. It felt as though he’d cast some kind of spell over her, like he was working invisible strings as her legs opened wider, her back arched more so her breasts were pushed right out, willing him to touch her, to take her, to put anything he wanted inside of her because, right now, she didn’t care what, she just wanted to feel a part of him there.

  The throbbing between her legs was becoming almost too much for her to bear, knowing she couldn’t reach down and touch herself, knowing that everything was up to him. He controlled the outcome of this, and that only served to send her stomach flipping again, her head starting to spin with the painful anticipation.