A Present in Swaddling Clothes

by Andrew Grey

  Sammy handed him a few more ornaments, and Josh placed them on the tree. Over the years, they had done this enough that he and Sammy had decorating the tree down to a science. “I’m worried about you,” Sammy said softly. “Since Nicky had the baby you’ve made that trip six times in two weeks, and she calls almost every day needing you to take care of something for her.”

  “She’s my sister.”

  Sammy sighed again. “I know she is and I know you want to help. The way you care for your family and me is part of why I love you. But I’m worried you’re wearing yourself out.” Sammy turned his attention to the tub of ornaments. “I’m afraid you’ll wind up dead on the side of the road if you keep traveling back and forth all the time. You get in after midnight and then go to work the next morning. It scares me.”

  “I know it does.” Josh climbed down the ladder and hugged Sammy tight. “It scares me a bit, too, but I’m doing the best I can.” Josh’s phone rang, and he followed the sound through the house to the kitchen counter and snatched up the phone, answering it just before it went to voice mail. “Hello.”

  “Josh.”

  “Hi, Mom, what’s going on?” Josh felt a bit of dread settle in his stomach. He had no idea where it came from, but he’d felt it every time he saw his sister’s number on his phone. “Is Vivian okay?”

  “She’s fine.” A crash in the background followed by swearing had Josh concerned. “Your sister, on the other hand, is in one of her moods. I’ve tried to get her to settle down, but she insists on doing everything.”

  “What’s she doing now?” Josh asked as he listened, but he didn’t hear any more noise in the background.

  “God only knows.”

  “Put her on the phone,” Josh told her. “Nicky, what’s going on?” he asked in an upbeat way when she came to the phone, trying to cover up his concern.

  “Nothing. I’m just trying to get some things done in the house while Vivian’s asleep, and I pulled out one of the pans and they all fell out of the cupboard because Mom shoves everything inside instead of putting them away where they go.”

  “Mom’s trying to help, and you need to take it easy. Remember what’s important and don’t worry about the rest,” Josh advised. Nicky tended to fixate on things rather than prioritize, and as a consequence, she tended to get overwhelmed. “Sammy and I are going to come down to see you tomorrow, and I’ll ask him to make you some of his patented macaroni and cheese.” Sammy had already joined him, and he nodded his head. “He says he will.”

  “Thanks, Joshie,” Nicky said, and he could hear some of the tension leave her voice, but she still sounded overwhelmed.

  “Go get some sleep while Vivian is napping, and put Mom back on the phone.” Josh waited and then heard his mother’s voice. “On Monday, get her in to see the doctor,” he said. “She’s acting just like she was a few years ago, and you know what happened then. They need to get her medication adjusted again. Sammy and I will be down tomorrow, so we’ll be able to help. Just get her to sleep for a while.”

  “I’ll try,” his mother answered. “She’s heading upstairs now. I’m hoping this is just exhaustion.” His mother was wonderful, but she saw what she wanted to see, she always had when it came to Nicky. She was her youngest child, her baby, and that was all she ever seemed to see.

  “Let’s hope that’s all it is,” Josh said, but he wasn’t holding his breath. He’d seen Nicky like this before. It had been frightening then, and Vivian hadn’t been in the picture. “We’ll be down in the morning.” Josh talked to his mother for a few more minutes and then hung up. Setting down the phone, Josh took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes as he wondered just what he was going to do.

  “Are you okay?” Sammy asked from behind him as he rubbed Josh’s shoulder.

  “Yes,” Josh answered. He didn’t know what else to say. He couldn’t explain his fears to Sammy—he’d freak, and Josh wouldn’t blame him. Reaching for his glasses, Josh put them back on. “Let’s go finish the tree.” Josh forced a smile and walked toward the parlor. Sammy didn’t follow right away, and soon Josh heard Christmas music float through the house, and some of his dark mood and tension lifted.

  They worked together for the next few hours, finishing the tree and decorating the parlor mantle as well as placing the other decorations in that room. “Do you want to set up the other tree in the living room?” Sammy asked as they hauled the now-empty tub back up to the attic.

  “We may as well, and then I’ll take you to dinner,” Josh offered before adding, “and I know exactly where you’d like to go.” Sammy beamed at Josh’s offer, and Josh smiled back. He loved that after all these years he could still get Sammy to smile at him like he was the entire world. Josh knew that Sammy loved to go for sushi; it was one of the things he looked forward to. Josh hated sushi and just about anything else that once swam, but Sammy got such pleasure out of it that Josh would order one of the few other things on the menu and let Sammy be happy. It took them a few hours, but they got the tree up in the living room, complete with the angel ornaments and the stand that made the entire tree revolve. “Let’s get cleaned up and go,” Josh told Sammy as they were making the last trip up to the attic.

  One thing Josh loved was whenever they were home together and weren’t going to the gym, he and Sammy showered together. They used to make love in the shower, but they hadn’t done that in a while. After starting the water, Josh slid the shower door closed and undressed. Stepping under the spray, Sammy joined him a few minutes later, sliding the door closed before he slipped warm hands around Josh’s waist. “I know you’re worried about your sister.”

  Josh reached for the shampoo, squirting a little into his hand. “I’m more worried about Vivian. She’s dependent on my sister for everything. I love Nicky to death, but I’m starting to wonder if she’s capable of taking care of her.” Josh washed his hair even as the worry stabbed his stomach.

  “I know,” Sammy said softly. “I worry about them too.” Josh felt Sammy’s soft soapy hands on his skin, and he lowered his hands, tilting his head back to rinse away the soap as Sammy gently washed his body, showing how much he cared with every soft caress. Once Sammy was done, Josh turned around and Sammy washed his back.

  “What am I going to do?” Josh asked without really expecting an answer. Rinsing himself off, Josh switched places with Sammy and returned the favor, washing the pale skin that had become so familiar to him over the last decade and a half. Sammy rinsed himself off, and Josh took one last turn before turning off the water. Stepping out of the shower, Josh handed Sammy a towel before beginning to dry himself.

  There was something he could do—he could offer to let Nicky and the baby move in with them for a few weeks once his mother went home, but Josh got a headache just thinking about that. He loved his sister dearly, but she could be trying at times, and the thought was enough to make Josh’s head throb.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Sammy said as he hung up his towel, “and you can stop right there.” Sammy glared at him, his hands on his hips.

  “You know that look would be more effective if you weren’t naked.”

  “I don’t care. If you’re thinking of inviting your sister and her newborn baby to live with us, I’m going to kill you in your sleep. You’ve worked very hard, and we have a good life with a good home. We never asked anyone for help, and in fact you’ve been the banker for your brother and sister as well as your parents. I know you want to help,” Sammy said, his voice softening as he stepped forward. “But there are some things you can’t help with.” Sammy hugged him tight. “I know you’re concerned about Nicky, but I’m concerned about you.” Sammy looked up from where his head rested on Josh’s shoulder, their eyes meeting. “You haven’t slept well since Nicky had the baby, and I know it’s because you’re worried. You were up twice last night, and you’ve been up at least once every night for weeks.”

  “I’m fine, Sammy.”

  “No, you’re not,” Sammy said, but Josh
felt him tighten his hug. “We’re going to see Nicky and Vivian tomorrow, but I’m driving and you’re taking it easy.” Sammy let him go and walked out of the bathroom. Josh finished drying himself and joined Sammy, who was already pulling on his pants. “I know you love them, but you aren’t responsible for your family.”

  “Sammy,” Josh half whined.

  “No. Do you remember what you told me two years ago when my brother called and asked for money?” Sammy fastened his pants and stared at him, his expression as hard as stone. “You told me I needed to tell him no because he was a threat, and your first priority was to take care of me, and my brother was a threat to your ability to do that. And you were right, because three months later he was in jail again, and I’d have thrown my money down another of his alcoholic holes. Well, I’m telling you the same thing here. I will not allow your family to threaten us for the same reason. My priority is you, not your sister.”

  “I know, but it’s not the same thing, at least not anymore. Vivian changes everything, and it’s her I’m worried about… more than Nicky.” God, it was hard to get Sammy to understand. Sammy never thought of children much at all other than to avoid them whenever possible. When he and Sammy had their summer pool parties, they of course invited people with children, and the kids always had a good time, after all, it was a pool party, but Sammy simply avoided them. In fact he rarely spoke to them until they had reached the age of about ten; then and only then could he seem to deal with them.

  Sammy huffed slightly and continued staring at Josh. “You really want a child, don’t you?”

  “Sammy, we discussed this a long time ago, and I know how you feel. I’ve known how you felt about children since the day we met, and yes, I would like children, but not at the expense of your happiness. I made my decision, and you know I rarely second-guess myself.”

  “Yeah, you are decisive,” Sammy said, and Josh smiled. When they’d first gotten together, Josh had made decisions without thinking about it, and that had caused some friction until he learned to talk to Sammy first.

  “So stop worrying about it, and let’s get some dinner. I’m starved and whatever’s happening with Nicky will still be there tomorrow, so I’m going to try to put it out of my mind.” Josh took a deep cleansing breath and released it slowly before following Sammy out of the bedroom. In the front hall, they got their coats out of the closet before leaving the house and heading to Josh’s Mustang.

  They got up early the following morning and pulled in front of Nicky’s small rented house before ten in the morning. Josh saw Nicky’s car parked out front, but noticed that his mother’s Toyota was not to be seen. Walking to the front door, Sammy carried a casserole dish of macaroni and cheese while Josh carried a bottle of wine and a few things for Vivian. Josh knocked once, but when he didn’t get an answer, he pushed open the door. “Go ahead and put the casserole in the refrigerator. I’m going up to see if Nicky is with the baby.” Josh climbed the stairs and softly pushed open the door to Vivian’s room. She was asleep in her crib, and Josh quietly closed the door before walking down the stairs.

  “Your mother left to go shopping about ten minutes ago,” Sammy said and handed Josh the note.

  “Then where’s Nicky?” Josh asked as he opened the basement door to see if she was doing laundry, but it was dark and silent. Hurrying back up the stairs, he poked his head into her bedroom, but the bed was made and empty.

  “Josh!” he heard Sammy call, and he raced down the stairs and saw Sammy standing in the back doorway looking out into the yard. Sammy pointed, and Josh saw Nicky curled in one corner of the backyard, still wearing what appeared to be her pajamas, arms around her knees, rocking slowly. Racing outside, Josh rushed to her, but she didn’t seem to see him.

  “She’s gone. My baby is gone,” Josh heard her say softly, almost like a lullaby as she continued to rock herself. Without thinking, Josh raced back up the stairs and burst into Vivian’s room, but the baby didn’t move. Pulling back the covers, he saw Vivian’s tiny face, her lips blue. Lifting her up, he pressed his ear to her chest and thought he heard a heartbeat. Turning the baby over, resting her tiny body on his arm, he patted her back.

  “Breathe for me, little one. Please breathe,” Josh prayed, and he felt her move under him. Then she retched and Josh’s leg was covered in warmth. But what followed was a cry like no other cry Josh had ever heard in his life. Turning her over, he grabbed a towel from the changing table and placed it on his shoulder before comforting a very scared baby. Josh continued trying to get control of himself as his heart raced a mile a minute. Patting Vivian’s back, he continued comforting her, but she was having none of it. Then he heard her retch again, warmth spreading through the towel, but Josh could have cared less—she was alive and breathing. Pulling off the towel, he walked them both to the bathroom and grabbed a bath towel, wrapping Vivian in it as the baby settled down.

  “Josh, what happened?” Sammy asked as he stood in the bathroom doorway taking in the sight of Josh covered in baby puke.

  “She wasn’t breathing,” Josh said. “Where’s Nicky?”

  “Still outside,” Sammy answered. “She wouldn’t come in, but I got her a blanket. All she kept saying is that she killed her baby.”

  Josh took a deep breath. “Okay. Go out to the car and bring in my gym bag. There are fresh clothes in there for me. But first call my mother and tell her to get back here on the double. I’m going to see if I can get Nicky in here.” Josh didn’t know where to turn, but Sammy rushed away and Josh heard him on the cell phone as the front door closed. Walking out the back door, Josh stood where Nicky could see Vivian, but she didn’t seem to notice anything. It was too cold for Josh to take the baby outside. He’d hoped the sight of her would lure Nicky inside, but no such luck.

  The front door opened and closed, and Sammy dropped the bag on the kitchen floor. “What should I do? Your mother is on her way back.”

  Thank God. “Go get her. Pull her inside bodily if you have to, and if she won’t come, call 911 and we’ll get an ambulance.” Josh was beginning to figure they’d need one anyway. “Hell, forget it, just call 911. This isn’t something we can handle.”

  “If you say so.”

  “Sammy, getting her in here is only half the battle. I don’t know how to handle her like this, and I bet Mom doesn’t either. We need some help and that’s the fastest way to get it.”

  Sammy called 911, and after they asked Josh for the address, he told them what was happening and they said they would be there right away. A few minutes after Sammy hung up, their mother walked through the door carrying some bags of groceries, short of breath and panting. “Sit down, Mom.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nicky’s out back and she’s gone off the deep end. She’s not responsive mentally, and we’ve called an ambulance. All she says is that she killed Vivian, and I think she almost did. I found her upstairs, her lips blue.”

  “She was going to give her some medicine because Vivian sounded a little congested. I told her how much to give her before I left.” His mother looked shocked and lost.

  “Stay with me, Mom, I need you.” Josh turned to Sammy. “Go upstairs and see if you can find the bottle of medicine in Vivian’s room, but don’t touch it. Just tell us how much is in it.”

  “It should be full. I just bought the baby Tylenol yesterday.”

  “It’s about a quarter inch down,” Sammy called down the stairs as sirens sounded in the distance.

  “I’m going to see if I can get Nicky to come inside,” Sammy said and hurried out back. Josh continued pacing and looking at Vivian every few minutes, but her eyes were closed and Josh could hear her breathing softly in his ear. The back door opened and closed and Josh turned around to see a blank-looking Nicky staring at him, holding Sammy’s hand. She didn’t seem to react to anything, not even when the paramedics opened the door.

  “What’s the problem?” the first paramedic through the door asked, and Josh didn’t quite know w
here to start.

  “Okay,” Josh said after taking a deep breath. “This is a bit complicated, but we called you about my sister. We found her in the backyard, curled in the corner. She’s barely responsive, and I think she’s had some sort of breakdown.” Josh took another deep breath. “However, I think it may be some sort of postpartum depression. When she was in the corner, she kept repeating that her baby was dead. I hurried upstairs and found Vivian here, not breathing. I patted her back, and she spit up and began crying. She’s thrown up once more and then she quieted. Right now she seems to be sleeping, and I can hear her breathing. I need you to check over the baby as well. But first I want you to check Mom’s blood pressure and heart rate. She has a heart condition, and she hurried back.”

  “Okay,” the paramedic answered before turning to his partner. “Tom, you check out the lady, and I’ll check this little one, and then we’ll look after her.”

  “Okay,” Tom answered. He set his case next to Josh’s mother and took out a blood-pressure cuff. “It’s a little high, but not too bad. Your pulse is a little elevated, but not bad either,” he told Josh’s mother, and Josh breathed a sigh of relief. “Are you breathing okay?”

  “Yes,” she answered, and Tom left her on the sofa and slowly approached Nicky. She seemed docile and completely out of it. He checked her eyes and her blood pressure and temperature.

  “Has she taken anything?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” Josh answered and turned to his mother.

  “She took her prescriptions this morning, but she hadn’t taken anything else before I left, and I wasn’t gone long before Sammy called me and I hurried back.”