Practice to Deceive

by Olivia Evans

  No. No, no, no. Fuck that. Goose bumps spread over my body. My skin felt restricted, too tight. My chest contracted, the air trapped in my lungs, thick and suffocating. I felt like I was fucking drowning.

  Adrenaline coursed through my veins, burning the alcohol infused in my blood as my eyes cleared and my mind pushed away the haze. I was the most horrible, selfish motherfucker in the world because I realized in that moment there was no way I was letting her go. I reached out, gently pressing the tips of my fingers into her chest to stop her from walking any farther past me.

  “Skylar, wait.”

  “No, Brennan. Like I said, I don’t need excuses.”

  I slid in front of her, cupping her chin and tilting her face so I could look at her. Her eyes were shining, her face and neck flushed. “I’m not breaking up with you, you crazy, beautiful girl.” I smiled softly as she pulled her head back to look at me fully.

  “But you said—”

  I slid my hand down her arm until I could hook my pinkie around hers. “I said I was a shitty boyfriend. I said nothing about being a saint. I’m far too selfish to do the right thing and let you go so you can find someone who deserves you.” I tugged her hand, pulling her behind me to the living room.

  “So…” She paused. “You’re not breaking up with me?”

  “No,” I chuckled, feeling like shit for the secrets I’d continue to keep from her. But the alternative…it just wasn’t an option.

  “And apparently you’re my boyfriend?” she asked with a grin.

  “Yes. If that’s okay with you?” Holy shit, what was I doing?

  “Yeah, I can handle that,” she whispered. “So, since I’m your girlfriend, do you want to explain why you’re a shitty boyfriend? And while you’re at it, you can explain why you didn’t bother to tell me you were coming back to Seattle.” She sat on the couch and pulled me with her. She faced me, one arm propped on the back of the couch, her other hand still holding on to mine.

  Shit. Think fast, Dixon. Why did I drink all that liquor?

  I scooted closer to her and licked my lips. My gaze fell to the floor, my bag catching my eye, the box with her bracelet inside sticking out of the side. I breathed out a sigh, part relief, part disgust because once again, I was going to lie to her. I leaned over and pulled out the box, pressing it into the palm of her hand holding mine.

  “I’m a shitty boyfriend because I got you a gift, and it’s not nearly as awesome as the one you got me. And I didn’t tell you I was coming back because I didn’t want you to feel obligated to come here and spend New Year’s with me instead of with your family. So, I just—”

  “You just came here and drank yourself into a stupor,” she offered, like the helpful little smartass she was. Just the way I liked her.

  I shrugged and looked at our hands before it hit me that she was here when she should have been at her dad’s.

  “How did you know I was here?”

  “Rachel. She called and said you were acting all weird and were coming home. I tried calling you a couple times but decided just to come back here to see you.”

  I didn’t bother to ask why she and Rachel were talking. It didn’t matter. Skylar was here, with me, and as much as I’d denied it, it was exactly what I wanted. “Open it,” I said, nudging her hand. She popped open the top, a huge smile breaking across her face as a giggle slipped past her lips.

  “Do you like it?”

  “I love it,” she answered, pulling it from the box. “Will you help?” She motioned toward her wrist as she held out the bracelet. I took it and wrapped it around her wrist, fastening the clasps. She lifted her arm and twisted her wrist back and forth, the charm swinging from side to side.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I whispered, so fucking relieved nothing about that statement was a lie.

  “Me too.”

  She leaned forward, her lips pressing against mine, soft, slow.

  “It’s almost midnight,” she sighed.

  “Are you tired?”

  “Yeah, a little.”

  “Will you stay?” Now that she was here, and I was finally admitting what I felt for her had nothing to do with anyone other than her, there was no way she was leaving.

  “Yes.” She smiled and rose to her feet.

  “Where are you going?”

  She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, shiny square, flicking it at me. It took my dick about a half second to realize it was a condom before I jerked my gaze back to her face.

  “Can you think of a better way to ring in the new year?” she asked, backing down the hall toward my bedroom.

  I smiled, my heart pounding. “But I’ve been drinking, Skylar. Are you really going to take advantage of a drunk guy?” I asked, reaching for the hem of my shirt and pulling it over my head, then dropping it to the floor.

  She followed my lead and pulled off her shirt before throwing it at me. “Absolutely.”

  I caught it with one hand and stood, tossing it over my shoulder. “Sky, I’m too willing to be taken advantage of.”

  “Are you sure? I was beginning to wonder if everything down there worked, with as little effort as you’ve used to get into my pants lately.”

  My mouth dropped open. “You’re going to pay for that,” I taunted, sprinting down the hall.

  She let out a squeak and whipped around to run, but I was already in front of her. I bent my knees and flipped her over my shoulder as I carried her to my bedroom, her body shaking with laughter. She reached down and pinched my ass, causing me to jerk forward. I raised my hand and smacked her ass.

  “Behave,” I laughed, flipping her back over my shoulder and onto the bed. She bounced a couple times, her face flushed, her eyes bright. She looked fucking perfect. I crawled over her and lowered my body until our chests were flush.

  “I think you know good and well that everything works perfectly fine down there,” I whispered, letting my lips ghost over hers. She hummed in response and lifted her hips off the bed.

  “I think you may need to show me. You know, just in case it was some kind of fluke or something.”

  I smoothed her hair away from her face, my expression serious. “You sure about this?”

  “Obviously. You know, since I showed up prepared and all.”

  I nodded as I struggled with all the conflicted thoughts and feelings running through my head. There was no way she’d want to have sex with me if she knew the bullshit I’d done the last few months. Fuck, she wouldn’t want anything to do with me period. But for me, now, things were so different. I wanted to be with her because of her, and not anyone else. It was selfish and a dick move, but I would spend every day making up for the shit I’d done, even though she’d never know.

  I pulled away and sat back on my heels, skimming my hands down her chest until I reached the top of her jeans. I popped the button, the teeth of her zipper sliding apart and our breathing the only sound in the room. I wrapped my fingers around the waistbands of her jeans and panties and tugged them down her legs before sliding my hands up her calves. I lifted her leg at the bend of her knee and ran my tongue along the inside.

  She pushed up on her elbows, her eyes dark as she watched me. “Please get up here and kiss me.”

  I locked my eyes with hers as I crawled over her and dropped down to my elbows. The tips of our noses grazed as I tightened my arms closer to her body, locking her underneath me. Her eyes burned into mine as we stared at each other, our lips slightly parted, our breaths mixing as her exhale met my inhale.

  I lowered my face until our mouths connected again, tracing the outline of her lips with my tongue before pressing forward, kissing her softly, unhurriedly. She rubbed her hands against my sides, the tips of her nails pressing into my lower back then sliding under my pants. She pushed down, grinding my hips into hers as her breathing picked up and her muscles stiffened.

  “Roll over,” she panted, bucking her hips.

  I did as she asked, lifting her over me until she straddled my th
ighs. She grabbed the buttons of my jeans and yanked them open before pulling them down my legs, much rougher than I had with her.

  “Eager?” I tried to joke, but it died in my throat as I watched her grab the condom and rip the foil with her teeth. She pulled it out slowly, her eyebrows raised as she moved forward and rolled it onto my dick.

  “Fuck,” I hissed.

  I sat up and popped the clasp of her bra before tossing it to the floor. I hugged her against me and flipped us over, all restraint and sense of reason gone. I lowered my hand to her pussy and circled her clit before pushing a finger inside. She was so fucking wet, so fucking ready.

  “Brennan,” she moaned. “Please don’t make me wait anymore. I want you inside me. Now.”

  I shifted my hips until the head of my dick slipped inside. Our hands groped and squeezed, nails biting into flesh, teeth scraping against sensitive skin. Our moans, sighs, and exhales of relief mixing together as I pushed fully inside her. I stilled, my jaw clenching as I waited for her muscles to loosen and relax their vise grip. She pressed her hips up, wrapping her legs around my waist and digging her heels into my ass.

  I thrust slowly at first, increasing my pace when she began to move with me, her hips rolling and grinding against mine. Sweat broke across my forehead as I pushed harder, her moans and body language telling me exactly how she wanted me to fuck her. She arched her back, tilting her head back against the bed. I dropped my face to her neck, biting down softly as I wrapped my arms around her back, pushing into her over and over again.

  “There. Yes, God…”

  I raised my head and watched as her mouth fell open, her eyes squeezing shut as her muscles spasmed and clenched around my dick. The force of her orgasm caused my body to tighten and my vision to blur as I came, my dick pulsing as I spilled inside her.

  “Shit,” I gasped, dropping my head against her neck as I tried to catch my breath. She hummed in agreement, her arms falling to her sides. I lifted my head and kissed her before rolling onto my back and tossing the condom in the trash. I pulled her against my side, sliding my arm under her neck and around her back.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, kissing her temple as I hugged her closer.

  “Perfect.”

  I looked at the ceiling and replayed the night over and over again. As the minutes slipped by and Skylar’s breathing evened out, it hit me. For the first time since last May, I was honestly content.

  It scared the shit out of me.

  January 2, 2016

  I can’t think about it anymore. I have to let it go. I’m not ending things with her; the decision has been made. I don’t give a fuck how selfish it is. I know what I want, and I’m not giving it up. I’m not giving her up.

  There is an ongoing battle between conscience and self-interest in which, at some point, we have to take sides. ~Robert Brault

  January 2016

  Skylar sighed, pressing her face into my shoulder. “Do we have to get up?”

  “Nope.” I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed.

  It’d been a week since New Year’s Eve, since I’d finally admitted to myself I had feelings for Skylar, real feelings. Everything felt different now, but completely the same.

  “Are you guys still not ready?” Rachel asked, falling onto the chair beside the sofa.

  “We’ve decided not to get up ever,” Skylar mumbled against my chest. I peered over the top of her head in time to catch Rachel roll her eyes.

  “You two have been lying on the couch all day. Don’t you want to get up and go out? Do something?” she asked, waving her hand around in front of her face.

  “It’s Sunday, Rachel. The day of rest. We’re resting.”

  “Brennan, I don’t think heathens are supposed to use religious references as an argument for being lazy,” Skylar cut in, laughing.

  “Hush it, you. I’m trying to get us out of going somewhere. You’re not helping.” I pulled back my head so I could look at her, my eyes narrowed. I attempted to give her a disapproving look, but when she glanced up at me, all I wanted to do was kiss the shit out of her. It had been this way for the past week. I’d always been attracted to her, but now, after everything, it was fucking ridiculous. She laughed when she saw the look on my face, then rolled away from me and stood.

  “Come on, we can go to Pike Place and watch them throw fish, or add to the gum wall.” She reached her hand down and grabbed mine, pulling me off the couch.

  “Fine,” I sighed, running my hand through my hair. “Where’s Drew?”

  “Right here!” he yelled, coming down the hall. “Did someone say something about going to Pike Place?”

  “Yes, we’re going,” Rachel answered and stood as well. “Although, I didn’t think I’d ever get these two up.” She flicked her hand in our direction dismissively, but the smile on her face was anything but annoyed.

  “You realize,” I said, linking my pinkie with Skylar’s. “We’ve all lived here for years. The fish-throwing and gum wall have lost their novelty.”

  “Well, I’ve only lived here for six months, so it’s still as novel as ever. C’mon. For me?” Skylar smiled sweetly, even batted her lashes for extra effect. Too bad for her, the devilish glint in her eye destroyed any attempt at appearing innocent.

  Truth be told, locking her in my room and hiding from the world sounded way more appealing, but there was no way I’d tell her no. No way would I be the cause of her disappointment. Because I was the biggest source of disappointment she’d ever met, and she didn’t even know it.

  “All right, Lucy, let’s go,” I joked, pulling her behind me.

  “Lucy?”

  “Yes. Lucy. Because you, woman, are the devil.”

  Skylar let out a loud laugh and smacked me with her free hand. “For that, I’m making you add a piece of gum to the wall for me.”

  “Not really helping your case there,” I quipped, jumping back when she tried to hit me again.

  “Are we going to Pike Place, or are we going to stand here and watch Skylar and Brennan’s game of foreplay?” Drew asked with a smirk.

  “Oh, shut it,” Rachel said, knocking her shoulder against his. “I’d take this any day over the Brennan we had this past summer.”

  I froze, my eyes widening as panic crept up my spine. What the fuck was she doing? Why would she bring that up?

  “What happened last summer?” Skylar asked.

  I could feel her gaze burning into the side of my face, but my eyes were locked on Rachel, pleading with her to drop it. Rachel narrowed her eyes in confusion, and I knew she was wondering what was going on. Now was neither the time nor the place for that discussion.

  “Brennan stayed at our parents’ house in Aberdeen for the entire summer, and he was none too pleased about it,” Drew answered with a chuckle, but it was forced, and I really hoped I was the only one who noticed.

  With a final questioning glance from Rachel, letting me know without a doubt I had some explaining to do, she shifted her attention to Skylar, who was still fucking staring at me.

  “Brennan was an asshole,” Rachel added flatly. “When you go to Aberdeen, you’ll understand. There is absolutely nothing to do there. After just two days, you’re ready to climb the walls. It tends to make people a bit broody.”

  I exhaled, my shoulders dropping in both relief and shame. I’d pulled yet another person into my web of lies. I finally looked at Skylar, who was watching me closely and, if I had to put money on it, wasn’t buying any of this. I pulled her out the door and toward the bus stop.

  “If you hated it so much, then why did you go?” she asked casually, but something in her tone was off.

  “Honestly, I needed to get away from here. And Dad needed help with a few projects around the house. It was a win-win situation.” More half-truths, not necessarily lies, but I was omitting a fuckton of information. I’d have to give her more, but my nerves were on edge thinking about having that conversation.

  “Okay,” she said slowly, clearly not sati
sfied with my answer.

  Once we reached the bus stop, I pulled her against me. I raised my hand and cupped her neck, brushing my thumb against her jaw. “Yes, there’s more to the story, but it’s not a conversation I want to have with Drew and Rachel here, okay?” She nodded, but the set of her shoulders was still rigid, guarded.

  I dipped my head until my forehead rested against hers, my gaze never wavering. “I promise to explain. I’m not trying to keep things from you. It’s just a really long story.”

  She released a heavy breath. “Okay,” she whispered, sounding a little more relaxed.

  My eyes slid shut in defeat. My throat burned, and my chest, fuck, my chest just ached. All these months, I’d told her lie after lie, never giving a shit about how it might affect her. It was all about me. What I wanted. How had I let myself fall so far? I wasn’t the type of person who intentionally hurt people.

  Or was I? Because that was exactly what I’d done—what I was still doing. Every time I spoke to her, touched her, every time her smile got a little wider and her guard a little lower, I hurt her. She tilted her face, her lips brushing against mine.

  “Hey, where’d you go?”

  I opened my eyes, staring directly into hers. “I’m right here,” I whispered.

  “Just talk to me, okay?”

  I nodded, bile rising to the back of my throat like hot lava shooting from a volcano. I could talk to her, I could talk to her every day, but I could never tell her the things that really mattered. Not if I wanted to keep her.

  “Now, c’mon,” she said, tugging me on to the bus I didn’t even realize had pulled up at the stop. “We’ll get you some raspberries from the fruit stand. Maybe I’ll even make you something with them.”

  I cracked a grin. “You remember that?” It was something I’d casually mentioned in one of our long conversations while I was home for Christmas. When everything changed.

  “Are you saying you don’t remember everything I tell you?” She arched her brow, a smirk on her face.