Still Waving

by Laurene Kelly

  The afternoon stretched out in front of me. I bought the milk and bread. I walked slowly up the street, the wind pushing against me. Once inside, I rang Phoebe’s place but there was no answer. I left a message on the answering machine. I was at a bit of a loose end and didn’t know what to do with myself. I made myself a sandwich and went out on the balcony to read the newspaper. More bad news. I tossed it aside.

  The wind had eased but the sea looked murky and uninviting. There were a few people on the beach, but no one was in the water. The phone rang. It was Phoebe. We arranged to meet at five o’clock at the Gelato Bar. I opened the door of Toby’s room. I felt as if I was doing something wrong because he wasn’t there. He was very private about his room and what went on behind the closed door. I looked at his posters. Some of them were pretty gross. Men, machines and sport were his main themes. He had some extreme pictures of surfers though. I studied them. Would I ever be brave enough to ride big waves? Some of them looked as high as buildings. I admired Layne Beachley for surfing a thirty footer, not that Toby had her picture on his wall. If she can do it, so can I, I thought to myself.

  Time seemed to be dragging. I swear the clock had hardly moved since the last time I’d looked. I wished I had a dog to take for a walk. I felt lonely going on my own. I was scared something might happen to me. I didn’t know what, but sometimes I’d think of all those gay men who’d been murdered on the cliffs around from the Bondi Baths in the late-eighties. I knew the chances of it happening to me in broad daylight on the beach or anything, were remote, but what if I saw something I shouldn’t and I had to be rubbed out. I knew I was being dramatic, I couldn’t help it. It was like sometimes my mind seemed to be on its own trip. I jumped at shadows and the only place I felt totally safe was on my surfboard.

  I thought about my father’s letter again. I remembered some of the things that were said in court. Words echoed in my mind. Post-traumatic stress, unjust war, horror, murder. I didn’t want to think about all of that again, so I turned on the TV. It was a talk show and it seemed so false. I thought the audience had to be actors. No one would choose to be that stupid on television. I switched it off.

  I went and lay on my bed.

  I’d dozed off. The insistent ringing of the phone woke me. I felt a bit groggy and disoriented. The phone stopped just as I reached it. I waited and listened for the answering machine to kick in. It didn’t. I hated that. Not knowing who it was. Oh well, they’d ring back if it was important. I used to hate that when Mum would say it, if I’d forgotten something.

  I ran my hand along the wall as I went back to my bedroom. The posters of great women surfers on my wall made me wonder if I really ever would be that good. I studied the one of Layne Beachley on the thirty footer. Could I do that? I imitated her stance and imagined the huge wave above me. I closed my eyes and I could smell the sea. Why hadn’t I lived here all my life? A lot of women surfers started young, because they lived near the sea. Why did I have to grow up in a red dirt-covered land? Why did I grow up with fighting parents? Why did they hate each other? Why did I ask myself questions that didn’t have answers?

  I opened my eyes and looked at the drawer with my father’s letter. I wished I had one from my mother. I had nothing of her memory, nothing of hers that was mine. The only photos were the ones Aunt Jean had. I wonder what Dad had written to me, what could he possibly say? I opened the drawer. At first I didn’t want to pick it up. It made me cry. The envelope was crumpled from the hundreds of times I’d held it. I’d even screwed it up once, to throw in the bin. I couldn’t do it. The phone rang again and I quickly shut the drawer and ran to answer it.

  It was Kate. We arranged for her to come to my place. I didn’t go back in to my room.

  When Kate arrived we went up on to the roof. The air smelt more like the mix of sea and city. There was only a faint trace of smoke. The sea was still pretty wild.

  ‘This’d be a cool place for a party,’ Kate said.

  I’d never thought about it. I looked around, seeing the rooftop in a different light.

  ‘You could put lanterns and lights around.’ Kate turned around, hands outstretched. ‘The band over there.’

  Band, get a grip, I panicked.

  ‘Don’t think the neighbours would appreciate it. Below us are some very old people, you know sixty or something.’

  ‘They’re probably deaf. The music would carry out into the stratosphere, not downstairs.’

  ‘They’re not deaf. Anyway, I don’t think so. I don’t want the responsibility of a party.’

  ‘I’d help. Your other friends would help. It doesn’t have to be big.’

  ‘A band?’

  ‘You know, Nirvana unplugged.’

  ‘I don’t know any bands.’

  Kate looked out to sea. Her brow creased. ‘You really just don’t want to have fun, do you? You’re a real anti-fun sort of girl aren’t you?’ Kate stared into my eyes.

  Here we go again.

  ‘Look Kate, I don’t want to have to go on about this. I don’t know about the parties you go to, but the last thing I would want is to have my space invaded by a lot of trashed people and gatecrashers, whatever.’ I paused. ‘I do like fun,’ I added angrily. ‘What’s your definition of fun? Your idea of fun might make me vomit.’

  ‘Why are you so grouchy?’ Kate looked away.

  ‘I’m not,’ I said stubbornly.

  ‘All right, I’ll never mention it again.’

  The silence between us was thick. I didn’t want to say anything.

  ‘Look Kate,’ I finally said. ‘I’m sorry if I’m crabby but I guess it’s my aunt and stuff and I’m sort of a bit worried about my brother. I don’t have time for that stuff, you know partying and all that. I’ve got my surfing and family to worry about.’

  ‘Cool. It’s just, I guess I want to break out. Holidays, summer, all of that.’

  ‘We ought to start walking to meet the others. I usually have fun with them,’ I said pointedly. ‘We have lots of fun. I hope you like each other.’

  ‘What did you tell them about me?’

  ‘That you’re a fruitcake.’

  ‘Jules!’

  ‘No I didn’t. I told them you’re cool.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘I’m just going to ring my aunt, before we go.’

  Aunt Jean said everything had gone fine and she’d find out the results soon.

  We walked down the street silently. It was as if we were both in our own worlds. I wondered how much longer my friendship with Kate would last on land. I may have to just meet her on the waves. I wondered if she was thinking the same about me.

  ‘I’m a bit nervous. It’s sort of a bit scary meeting someone else’s friends. What if they don’t like me?’ Kate stopped walking.

  So that’s why she’d been so quiet.

  ‘It’ll be fine. Don’t worry. Phoebe and Jasmine are cool. You’ll like each other. In fact I’ll probably be the one who’ll be left out.’

  Kate laughed. ‘I don’t think so.’

  We walked up past the pavilion, over the grass and on to Campbell Parade. It was busy and it took ages to get across the road.

  We made our way into the crowded Gelato Bar. Phoebe and Jasmine were already sitting down the back.

  I introduced everybody and laughed nervously. I hoped they’d all like each other.

  ‘We haven’t ordered yet,’ Jasmine said.

  Kate and I sat down.

  ‘I hate coming here,’ Phoebe said.

  I looked at her. ‘You suggested meeting here,’ I said defensively.

  ‘I hate it because there is so much I want to eat.’

  We all laughed. We ordered cake and iced chocolates.

  ‘I’ll shout you,’ I said to Kate.

  ‘No, it’s cool. Carol gave me money.’

  Phoebe, Jasmine and Kate got on fine. I relaxed and mostly listened as they talked about clubs and music and stuff. Occasionally one of them would ask me something. I was mostl
y content to just sit back and drift off. It took the pressure off answering questions or justifing who I was and the choices I made.

  We parted after finalising the arrangements for Saturday night. Kate and I gave Phoebe our money for the tickets. I was tempted to say that I needn’t go, as they’d have a better time without me. What if they agreed? Would I care? Probably, so I said nothing.

  I didn’t go in to Kate’s place. We arranged to meet in the morning if the weather was right. I waved to her as I walked up the hill.

  I changed my clothes and went to the kitchen. Aunt Jean was preparing a salad.

  ‘Hi Jules, did you have a good day?’

  ‘Yep, it was cool.’

  ‘Are you hungry?’

  ‘Not really. I had a cake at the Gelato Bar.’ I picked up a pamphlet off the bench. It was about breast cancer. I put it down quickly. Aunt Jean didn’t seem to notice.

  ‘I’m going to a rave on Saturday night.’

  ‘That’s unusual for you. I thought you didn’t like those things much.’

  ‘I sort of promised the others.’

  ‘Good. You might even have a good time.’

  If Aunt Jean only knew what raves were like. No point telling her, because she’d freak out and then give me a lecture on public safety or something. I could hear her in my head, ‘Make sure you know where the fire exits are. Don’t accept drinks from strangers’.

  ‘Wonder if it’s a good time to ring Toby?’ I didn’t want to talk about the rave.

  ‘Wayne rang the office today, but I was in court. He left a message saying they’d ring us tonight.’

  ‘I hope it’s not too late, I want an early night.’

  Aunt Jean shook the dressing and sprinkled it over the salad. I thought that she didn’t seem to be concerned about her test today. I wasn’t sure whether to raise the subject. If Aunt Jean wanted to talk about it, she would. I said nothing.

  We ate on the balcony. The shadows of the day edged across the building tops as the street lights came on with perfect synchronicity. I hoped I could surf tomorrow. A day off and I was hanging out like a junkie. I prayed to the sea to give us some good waves.

  Toby and Uncle Wayne rang at nine. Toby told me that Ruby had come and taken him to the waterhole. He’d had a great time and was going again real soon. Uncle Wayne was driving them down and they’d arrive Friday night. I went straight to bed after the phone call.

  My bed felt comfortable. I lay down. You never really know what’s going to happen, I thought as I drifted off to sleep.

  CHAPTER 7

  Thursday Morning

  I woke up as dawn broke in the eastern sky. The bloody wind was onshore again. I looked at the pathetic sea from my bedroom window. No swell. I wondered if Kate had bothered staying up after seeing there was no action this morning. I’d had a really good sleep and felt wide awake. I got back into bed and lay there staring at the ceiling.

  I might visit Phoebe and Jasmine and see what they thought of Kate. I’d have to wait hours though, because they slept in really late. Maybe I should wash the ozone off the windows. How boring. I wanted to do something different, but couldn’t think of anything. I loved the holidays, but sometimes there wasn’t anything to do day after day. Why was the weather being so awful? It was much better surfing on weekdays because there weren’t as many people on the waves. Weekends were a nightmare sometimes. There wasn’t even anywhere to put your towel, the beach was so crowded.

  I got up. There was no point doing nothing. I decided to go for a swim. I didn’t do that often. It’s usually surfing or nothing. A flash of death crossed my mind. When was I going to stop thinking like this? It was just this stupid fear thing. Did other kids who’d been through family murder fear like I did? Did they think that one day they would be murdered, like I sometimes did?

  I grabbed a towel and walked down to the beach. There were very few people. The sand glistened. I loved the sparkling quartz in the golden sand. It mesmerised me as I walked along. Sparkling little diamonds, I thought. It never ceased to amaze me that this is what glass was made from. I picked up a handful and sifted through my fingers the multitude of grains.

  ‘Hey, Julie.’

  It was Geoff, a lifeguard I knew. He’d helped me when I first started surfing. I dropped the sand, embarrassed.

  ‘Hi. I was just …’ I turned and looked behind me. ‘Well, I was just, um …’

  ‘Thinking of going for a swim?’

  ‘Yeah, a swim.’

  ‘Are you all right, Julie?’ Geoff looked at me with concern.

  ‘I’m fine, you know just a bit …’

  Geoff looked at me expectantly. What was wrong with me? I mean what’s wrong with looking at sand. Get it together.

  ‘Sorry Geoff, I was just looking at the silica in the sand, and I was sort of surprised a little bit when you spoke.’

  Geoff looked at me blankly. Oh my god, this was worse. I should have just shut up about the sand.

  ‘Right,’ Geoff finally said. ‘There’s no surf this morning, but it’ll be up by this afternoon, mark my words.’

  ‘Cool. I feel empty if I don’t surf.’

  ‘You’ve sure got the passion, no doubt about that. Good on you.’

  ‘I’m glad you know what I mean, instead of thinking I’m a nut.’

  ‘My family and some of my friends used to stir me full-bore about surfing.’ Geoff looked wistfully at the sea.

  I smiled at him. ‘I hope you’re right about waves later. Yesterday was such crap.’

  ‘You’re not wrong, but we still had to rescue a couple of bloody galahs out in the storm.’ Geoff paused. ‘Bloody idiots with shit for brains. I’d hate to meet their parents’, he said angrily. ‘Yesterday we had the devil’s own job, saving a couple of jerks who were dead from the neck up, they were that bloody stupid. I wonder why we bother saving some nongs. The meatheads are back out as soon as we turn our backs for a repeat performance of their near-death experience, where they let it all go, man. I tell ’em I can smell it.’

  I laughed. The way Geoff talked reminded me of some of the oldies from back home. He had all these stupid expressions I hardly heard in the city. I studied Geoff’s face and saw the lines of age. I bet he’s the same age as Dad, I thought.

  ‘There’s one born every minute.’ Geoff shook his head as he studied the water, always alert to having to rescue some ‘bloody drongo’, as he and my Dad would say.

  ‘Bloody idiots,’ I said.

  Geoff laughed. ‘Exactamen to, my dear girl, exactamento.’

  We studied the sea.

  Geoff spoke first.

  ‘Have you thought about what we talked about the other week?’

  I tried to remember. I must have looked blank.

  ‘The surf club,’ Geoff reminded me. ‘I asked you to think about joining.’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I’d completely forgotten.

  ‘Learning to be a lifeguard will be good for your surfing.’

  ‘I don’t know, Geoff. You know, with school and surfing and stuff, I don’t have a lot of time.’

  ‘You could co-join the surf club. Every month they go away for the weekend to another beach along the coast. It gives you a chance to try out other breaks. It’s good to learn in all sorts of conditions if you’re ever going to compete.’

  ‘I’ll think about it.’

  ‘That’s what you said last time,’ Geoff said, good-naturedly.

  ‘I will. I’ve entered the competition at North Steyne in a couple of weeks.’

  ‘Well done. It’s a good competition. You’ll do well. I’ve seen you out there a couple of times,’ Geoff pointed towards the reef. ‘You’ve really improved in these past months. You’ll give the other girls a run for their money. Good luck.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I put my towel down. ‘Is there much of a rip?’

  ‘No, it’s pretty placid. Catch you later. Remember Jules, the surf club would welcome a member like you.’ Geoff waved and continued walking south.<
br />
  I could feel the heat in my cheeks from blushing. Geoff was so kind to me. I’d have to ask Aunt Jean if he knew about Dad. I hoped not. As I watched Geoff’s retreating back I thought about surfing in Hawaii. Geoff had surfed all over the world, but I sensed Hawaii meant something more to him. He’d told me in Hawaii, everyone surfed; women, children, dogs, whatever and they had done for centuries. I wanted to ask him if he’d ever go back there, but didn’t. Even though Geoff would always have a chat, there was something really private about him. Aunt Jean had known him since school, but she said he wasn’t what you would consider a friend. I had no idea what she meant, but rather than get some long explanation, I sort of acted like I understood.

  I walked to the water’s edge, staring at the clouded sun rise. Some of the clouds appeared to have a golden lining. The water was slightly cool. I dived in, breaking through the slight swell. The water was a beautiful green. I could see the ripples the waves had embedded on the sea bottom. I floated on top of the water watching the sky. I was so lucky. I sang the words of I’m So Lucky to the passing sea birds. I could tell one of the gulls was very impressed, because it remained hovering above me, till I’d finished the song.

  I finally left the water and the beach. I walked up the hill, beads of water dribbling down my legs. There was more activity, with people leaving their buildings to catch buses. Cars started up and whizzed away. Shiny bums, Dad called people who worked in offices. I pushed Dad out of my mind. I seemed to be thinking about him a lot lately, which puzzled me.

  Aunt Jean was leaving for work when I arrived home.

  ‘How was your swim?’

  ‘Great. I saw Geoff. He wants me to join the surf club.’

  ‘Do you want to?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  Aunt Jean didn’t press me. ‘I wish I could get up early enough every morning and have a swim before work.’

  ‘You’ve been saying that for ages. I could wake you. It’d only mean getting up an hour earlier, and imagine how good you’d feel.’

  ‘I know, I know. I do like my bed though and sleep is one of my favourite pleasures.’