by Shey Stahl
One older lady stops near us. “Awe, you can definitely tell who his daddy is.”
Rawley doesn’t look at her and instead, he stares at Lyric who’s smiling at the lady because someone talked to him.
“He does,” I tell her, trying to be polite.
“Is he really mine?” Rawley whispers when she passes by, still looking at Lyric.
“Yes.” I’m not sure why he asked because you take one look at Lyric and it’s completely obvious. He has to see that.
Rawley shakes his head, his stare moving to mine.
“Listen, if you don’t want to be a part of his life, I get it. I just….” My words come out wrong. I shake my head, feeling so, so much in that moment, and I say what I’m fearing. That despite us being at the grocery store and side-by-side, we may never be together, parenting in the way I desperately want.
“Christ, Sophie,” he curses under his breath, his jaw tightening. “I didn’t say that.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, hating that I’m hurting him, but also know he did it to me for years.
He shakes his head and he’s back to watching me, gauging reactions and saying very little, until he turns to me. “You don’t have to be sorry. It’s just… you’re waiting for me to say I don’t want to be a part of his life and never giving me a chance to say I do.” His words are hard. Not mean, they’re honest. He cares and it’s different from the Rawley I was left with for so long that I’m not sure how to take this.
“Well, do you?” My chest hurts and strains as I try to act normal and strong in front of my son, hoping he doesn’t understand what we’re talking about. I don’t want this: reality and answers that have the potential to destroy the moment like a wildfire leaving nothing in its wake, burning everything within reach. At least I don’t think I do.
But I’m trapped here as he studies my face, lips and then my eyes. The look in his eyes and expression on his face causes my pulse to race. “I think I do,” he says lowly, gaze steady, right at me, filling me with hope and emotions that threaten to overwhelm me.
He was never good at hiding his emotions, but it didn’t mean he didn’t try.
My vision glides across his features, studying his every line in his face. I can see past the darkness, the will to forgive and forget and the temptation to let it go. He wants to. He does. But I don’t think he’s quite there yet.
I look at Lyric when I feel something wet on my hand. It’s his mouth, he’s trying to suck on the handle of the grocery cart, but thankfully he gets my hand instead. When I tickle his cheek, I’m met with the little boy who’s a spitting image of the man next to me, same eyes, same mouth… and I can’t help but smile at him.
Nervous butterflies swarm my stomach and I can’t stop fidgeting as Rawley tips his head down the aisle. “Weren’t you looking for diapers?”
I swing the cart around. “Yes.”
I want out of the store and away from Rawley. I don’t know why, but I think because I’m afraid of what he’s going to say next. My chest feels tight and my breathing speeds up, a lump rising in my throat. Fuck. I’m nearing tears in a damn grocery store.
My eyes glisten and I tell myself I’m going to be fine and I need to calm down, taking in deep breaths as I walk down the aisle until I find the brand of diapers I use.
Rawley notices. His hand finds mine on the grocery cart. His eyes roam my face, chest expanding as his lips part and lashes briefly flicker. “I wasn’t trying to upset you. I thought you wanted me to be a part of his life… don’t you?”
I have to draw in a breath to keep the sob begging to surface inside. “I want you to be. I want him to know you. The you I loved.”
His brow furrows again and he doesn’t miss the past tense in my words. I also don’t correct myself because as much as it’s present tense in my life, I don’t want to say anymore.
As we walk throughout the store, our feet squeaking against the tile floor, my anxiety grows, and when I get anxious, I ask stupid questions.
It’s in the produce section when I’m grabbing avocados and bananas, the only thing my baby ever eats when I ask, “What have you been up to the last year?”
He shakes his head, his brow furrowed in confusion but focused on avocados rather than me. “You know what I’ve been doing.”
I shrug. “I know.”
He sighs. “Then why’d you ask?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to say to you. Nervous I guess.”
“Are you asking because you want to know if I’m with someone?” The corners of his mouth twitch into a smile as he walks, his hands in his pockets. This guy, the one walking beside me, bumping into me every ten feet, I know this guy. I do because he’s the one I fell for. It’s the first glimpse I’ve gotten at him in a really long time. I have to say, it’s nice to see him.
“I guess maybe in a round-about way I am.”
He nods once and I stop breathing. I don’t even know why I care, because after the wedding, it’s not like he’s staying and none of this matters, but then again, it matters.
“No. I’m not with anyone,” he finally says, eyes drifting to mine to gauge my reaction, his honesty results in a pause in our walking.
I reach for two more avocados and then a few oranges. “Why did you come home?”
The lift of his eyebrows indicates his surprise for my question. His hands find residence in the pockets of his jeans again. “You know why I’m here. Red’s wedding.”
“Yeah, but the Rawley I knew for the last three years wouldn’t have come home for Red’s wedding. You two don’t get along. Did something happen in Seattle?”
Removing his hands from his pockets, he runs his palm along the stubble on his jaw focusing on anything but me. “We don’t have to do this right now.”
“Do what?”
An awkward and sudden silence lingers between us and it’s like we’re the only two people in the store. “Act like you want to get to know me again, or care.” He wants to be bitter, say more, but he’s stopping himself.
“I’m done. I have everything I need,” I tell him, pushing the cart forward only to have him stop me, his hand on my hand.
“C’mon. I’m really trying not to be a dick right now. I just don’t see why it matters. I’m here.”
I keep my voice down because we’re in the checkout line and I don’t want everyone hearing me. “It matters because you’re back and I don’t know how to take all this. I don’t know where we stand, if we do, or what’s going to happen next week when the wedding’s over. All I know is I have a son and despite you treating me like shit, I still care and I hate myself for caring. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about everything.”
He doesn’t say anything to that and pulls out his wallet, like he needs something to distract himself, but there’s a certain amount of sadness present in his eyes and the way his shoulders slump forward at my words. He holds up his credit card. “I’ll take care of this.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m capable of buying my son diapers and food, Rawley.”
He pushes past me, his body brushing up against mine. “Yeah, so am I.”
We don’t talk the entire drive home and when we arrive back at the house, he helps me inside with the two bags. “Do you want me to get him out of the car?”
I shake my head. “No. I’m leaving. I’m supposed to meet Lenny and Raven at the dress shop.”
He nods, standing in the garage but he doesn’t look at me. “Do you want to talk tonight?”
“No. I don’t. Not unless you’re actually going to talk to me.”
“I did talk to you. We were talking,” he points out.
“Yeah, you were but every time I mention something you don’t want to talk about, you shut down.”
He snorts and shakes his head, turning around to give me a sight I’m used to. Him leaving.
LYRIC SLEEPS IN the car as I drive through town to the dress shop. Lenny and Raven are both there when I arrive.
Removing Lyric’
s car seat from the car, I carry him inside as he sleeps, relieved the rain’s finally let up a little. Lenny’s feeding Chevy on the couch near the dressing rooms and Raven’s sitting beside her as they wait for me.
“Sorry I’m late,” I tell them when I’m inside, sitting Lyric’s car seat on the floor. He continues to sleep, his little chubby cheeks slightly pink. Gently I cover him up with his blanket and rock the seat slightly.
“So… have you talked to him?” Raven asks when I sigh heavily.
“A little. He went to the store with us.”
“How’d that go?”
“Good until I asked why he was home. Apparently that’s not something he wants to talk about.”
Raven shakes her head. “Something happened with Beck and Lincoln. He didn’t tell me but Linc texted me and said some shit went down with them all after Friday night’s show.”
Figures he wouldn’t tell me about it. God forbid he confide in anyone.
I think Lenny can sense my frustration as she burps Chevy against her shoulder, her hands rubbing his back gently. Chevy looks a lot like Red, but I see so much of Lenny in him too and a little of Nova. He’s got Red’s eyes but Lenny’s lighter straight hair. His personality is completely different from Lyric too. While my little guy is always smiling, Chevy’s serious just like Red. He often stares at poor Lyric like he can’t figure out what he’s smiling at.
“Fuck, I’m getting married in a week,” Lenny says, shaking her head when Nikole brings out the dress for her and hangs it on the side of the dressing room.
Raven smacks her shoulder with an eye roll. “I don’t know why you’re so scared. You’re living together, you have a son… what’s the big deal?”
“Um… hello, my last marriage didn’t work out so well.”
“Yeah, but Red’s nothing like Ben. And I’d straight up murder my brother if he ever laid a hand on you.” Her eyes widen. “In anger.”
“I’m just saying, this marriage has to stick. What if he decides the night before he’s making a mistake?”
“That’s not going to happen, you weirdo. Now go try on your dress.” Raven pushes her inside the dressing room and then looks over at me. “She’s exhausting.”
“She’s nervous.” I giggle. “You have to admit after everything she’s been through, it’s normal for her to react this way.”
“So you’d be nervous if you and Rawley got married?”
I snort. “Rawley and I are barely talking, let alone anything to do with marriage.”
“True.”
“What about you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Marriage, Tyler… have you guys thought about it?”
“A little. I have one more year left of school so he said we’d talk then. Living together is great though. It’s nice not to have to leave for sex. I can just roll over and it’s there if I want it.”
I frown at her and set my coffee down. “Okay, now you’re bragging. Stop it.”
Lenny comes out of the dressing room in her dress and both Raven and I stop and stare. There’s something so beautiful about a woman in a white dress and the anticipation of her wedding days away. Her cheeks are flushed with excitement and nerves, while her eyes are uneasy, nervously fretting over everything she doesn’t need to be. I understand Lenny’s nerves. I do.
Ben, her ex-husband was about as vile as they get, and everything she’s ever known about love has been neglect and abuse. Until now. Red and his family have showed her a side she could never imagine so naturally she’s nervous. If I had to guess, she’s thinking, how can this happen to someone like me?
Lenny’s eyes remain downcast, her fingers bunching in the fabric at her hips. “What do you guys think?”
Raven lets out a shaky breath and stands at her side. “You look amazing.”
She really does. Her long white dress is fitted to her body and cut low in the front, but modestly so. I do as Raven does and stand next to her. “It’s beautiful on you.”
“Not everyone can pull off a white dress,” Raven tells her, staring at Lenny’s ass in the dress.
Lenny pushes her. “Stop it. You’ll look amazing too.”
“If I get married.”
“You will,” we both tell her at the same time. Tyler takes his time on everything and marriage is one of them. It took him a year to ask her to move in so she teases it will take him two to ask her to marry him.
Lenny turns around to look at herself in the full-length mirror behind her, and then at her ring on her finger. She seems lost in her thoughts when Raven hugs her to her side with one arm. “He loves you, L. He does and there’s nothing that’s going to change his mind.”
There won’t be. Without a doubt, Red loves her, and once a Walker man has made up his mind, it’s impossible to get him to change it.
Hell, look at Rawley. He made up his mind long ago he’d never forgive me and he’s still yet to change it.
Lenny’s phone beeps on the couch. She picks it up and smiles. “Mia wants us all to come over for dinner tonight since Aunt Gale and Aunt Rachel are in town.”
Raven grumbles to herself.
Lenny laughs and sets her phone down. “What’s the matter, Raven, is all this wedding stuff putting a damper on your sex life?”
“Yes,” she admits. “Between school and your wedding, we don’t have a lot of time.”
We both laugh because I find it funny how open Raven is about sex with Tyler. Believe me, she tells us everything, and there’re some days I can’t even look at Tyler without my cheeks turning red. I’m really glad Lenny’s not that open because I see Red a lot more, plus he’s my boss. I don’t want to know certain things about him.
“What time?” Raven picks her purse up off the couch and then kisses the sleeping babies at our feet, careful not to wake them.
“She said to come over around six.”
Raven peeks at her phone. “Perfect. That gives me four hours. That’s enough time.”
Lenny stares at me. “Four hours?” Then she looks at Raven. “You need four hours to have sex?”
“No, I need like an hour, maybe, but four’s perfect because we can make up for lost time we won’t have this week.”
Lenny shakes her head. “Sometimes I don’t know why I ask.”
“Hey,” I say as soon as he answers the phone.
“Hey, bud, how’s it going?” Nick answers, seeming happy to hear from me. I wasn’t sure how it’d go when I texted him and asked what the rest of our schedule looked like. He said he’d call and we could talk about it.
After everything that went down with the boys, I wondered what Sam and Nick’s thoughts would be on it.
“It’s going,” I mumble, picking at the edges of my notebook. “Have you heard from the boys lately?”
He’s silent for a moment and I wonder if he’s going to tell me the truth or feed me a line of bullshit. “Well, I haven’t heard from Beck since Saturday morning.”
“Okay.”
“You’re home for your brother’s wedding, right?”
“Yeah, I’ll be back next week, I think.”
“You sound off, Rawley… what’s going on?”
Okay, maybe he doesn’t know everything. Maybe Sam didn’t tell him.
I snort, shaking my head. Is he just playing dumb with me or did the boys lie about what they said to me the other morning? “I don’t know. I thought the guys would have talked to you about everything. Apparently they’re tired of my shit.”
There’s a rustling sound in the background like maybe he’s sorting through papers. “Beck mentioned you were having some problems and said you needed a couple weeks off.”
“That’s what he told you?”
“Something like that. Hey, listen, I wanted to talk to you about five more shows after our original contract ends in November.”
I doubt, judging by Beck’s reaction to me, he’s gonna want to do anymore shows. “Have you talked to the boys about it?”
He’s qui
et for a minute and then clears his throat. “No, I mean just you.”
“Just me?” I’m taken back by his statement. Why in the world would he just want me? Beck, Lincoln, me… that’s Torque. That’s the band he wants. Without them, there’s no Torque. I don’t care what they say, replacing one of us ends the band in my mind, and honestly, I’ve never once considered a solo career. It’s not something I want.
“You’re who the crowd wants, Rawley. They don’t come to see Torque. They come to see you.”
I sigh into the phone, my eyes on the notebook, and then I think of Sophie and Lyric and leaving town again. Something stirs inside my chest remembering the look on her face when she asked if I wanted to be a part of his life. “I have a son I didn’t know about.”
Nick draws in a breath and then chuckles. “I’m not surprised. You’re not the first artist who’s had that come up.”
I don’t say anything to that because as far as I’m concerned, I’m nothing like any other artist out there.
“With who?”
“Who do I have a kid with?”
“Yeah.”
“My high school girlfriend, Sophie.”
“I can take care of that for you. Are you going to make the show in Portland at the end of the month?”
I nod. “As far as I know but I haven’t talked to Beck or Linc yet… not sure how they feel about it.”
“You guys are under contract,” he points out, as if I didn’t realize it. “I can’t just cancel the shows.”
And here it is. Reality.
I regretted signing with Nick and Sam the moment we did. Dylan warned me and I didn’t listen. I thought it was the only way to get my music out there so I did it.
“I know that, Nick,” I snap back, my temper rising. Blowing out a breath, I hunch forward, resting my elbows on my thighs and run my right hand down my face. “I’ll talk to them this week. We’ll be there for that show though.”
“Okay, well, take care and think about what I said about the contract. You never know, maybe the boys are burnt out from the last year and they’ll want a break. It’ll give you some time to think about where you want to go with your career.”
