by Shey Stahl
To be honest, and I’m not going to tell Nick this, I have no idea where I want my career to go. I want to perform. I love everything that comes with it, aside from the emptiness.
I hang up with Nick and reach for my guitar at the end of my bed. I haven’t touched it in three days and that’s not like me. Usually I pick it up at least once a day. The moment my fingers touch the wood grain, I remember why I played every day. I find solace in music and now isn’t any different. It’s a way for me to forget and live inside something other than a life I’ve essentially fucked up with one bad decision after another.
“WHAT’S GOING ON with you?”
I groan and want to push my sister off the edge of my bed where I’ve been lying all day with a notebook in hand and my guitar beside me. “Get out of here.”
“No.” She lies down on my bed next to me, her hands above her head as if she’s completely comfortable in here. The problem is, she is. Raven’s never been shy about coming in my room, and never knocks. Mom would never let me put a lock on the door for obvious reason, so yeah, it resulted in some rather uncomfortable times when Raven saw me completely naked or worse, having sex with a girl.
She never seemed fazed by it though. She’d laugh it off.
“Linc said you guys got in a fight?
“How do you know that?”
Raven shrugs and picks up my notebook beside us, the one scribbled with hundreds of thoughts I barely understand, let alone want anyone to read.
I rip the notebook from her hands and toss it between my bed and the wall where she can’t reach it. “So you’re talking to them now?”
“No, not really, but Linc asked if you were okay and said you guys got into an argument after the show on Friday night.”
“Whatever.”
Raven sits up. “Dude, what’s your deal? You leave town after throwing a huge fit and no one sees you for a year and a half, and now you come back and you’re acting like a dick because no one told you about Lyric? Who cares. You acted like an asshole and you know what, yeah, no one told you because we knew how you’d react. Like this. Feel bad for me shit.”
I stare at her blankly for a moment, unsurprised my sister just put me in my place again because if there is anyone who will straight up tell me I’m an idiot, it’s her. “You’re not telling me anything I haven’t heard from everyone else. I know I’m a fuck up. I know that, you know. Red knows, Sophie knows, Mom’s oblivious, my kid will eventually know and everyone else does too, so save your fuckin’ breath.” I go to stand, wanting space, when Raven grabs me roughly by the hand and forces me to sit.
“I’m going to send Red up here next if you go down there and cause a scene tonight.”
I glare. “Don’t you fucking dare, Raven.”
“I will if you don’t knock it off. I know there’s a shred of decency left in you and if there is, show some fucking respect for everyone. Don’t be an asshole.”
I’m about to tell her off when the door flies open again and this time it’s Nova. She stops, eyes the two of us and puts her hands on her hips. “Grammy says you two better get downstairs.”
“I’m going first.” I push Raven’s shoulder and she falls back dramatically on the bed like I shoved her.
“The fuck you are.”
It’s always been a competition with Raven and me to get anywhere in the house first. Maybe it’s because we’re twins or maybe because I’m just fucking competitive and have to win.
We rush down the stairs, our thudded steps echoing throughout the house with Nova’s laughter behind us as she tries to beat us down. She’s smaller and jumps through my legs on the third step and basically barrel rolls down the last four steps.
Both Raven and I stop immediately thinking she’s hurt, but Nova jumps up off the floor with her arms raised above her head. “I win!”
Shaking my head, I fall onto the floor at her feet when Raven trips me on the steps.
“You jerk.” I kick my foot out and tangle it with hers so she falls too.
“You two are being childish,” Nova notes as she’s walking by us, gloating in her victory.
Raven looks to me and then the kitchen where Nova disappears to.
“Knock it off you two,” Mom yells, and Raven senses her opening.
“Mom, Rawley pushed me!”
I reach out and pull her thick brown hair, hard. “Stop lying.”
And then she turns and goes to slap me upside the head. I catch her hand. “Don’t you fuckin’ dare.”
Her glare hardens, the lines in her face hardening. “You’re such a dick.”
“You’re a dick. You tried to get me in trouble with Ma.”
We both look up when we see boots standing in front of us and judgment on his face. “Get off the floor,” Red grumbles, rolling his eyes at us. He has Chevy in his hands.
Raven jumps up, kneeing me in the balls when she does it and takes Chevy from him.
“Careful, he just ate.” Red no sooner gets the words out and his kid pukes.
Guess who’s still sitting on the floor and catches the puke?
Yep. Me. Some goes in my mouth.
Red laughs, taking Chevy from her. “Told you.”
I gag and get to my feet. Mostly because I think I might puke. “Raven… you did that on purpose!” My stomach rolls and my throat tightens.
“Oh, let’s face it.” Raven kicks me in the stomach. “That’s not the first time someone’s puked on you.”
She’s right. It’s not but still. Most of the puke went on my T-shirt, so I grab a hold of Raven before she can get away, I wrap my arms around her and rub her face in it.
That gets Red and Chevy both laughing as Mom and Sophie walk into the room, Sophie holding Lyric.
The minute he hears my laughter, Lyric looks for me and smiles. He wiggles until Sophie sets him on the floor. He takes off immediately and right over to my feet. I don’t hesitate and lean down to pick him up.
When I bring him to my chest and hold him close, he touches my cheek and smiles, then my nose and lips as I say, “Hey there, buddy.”
Someone clears their throat and I notice Red, Sophie, and Raven staring at me along with Tyler, who just walked in. “What?” I ask, wondering why they’re all looking at me.
“I need a beer,” Red says, turning around.
Tyler smiles and grabs a hold of Raven’s hand, yanking her to his side. “And I need water.” As they’re walking out of the room, Tyler scrunches his nose. “Why do you smell like baby puke?”
She shoves him into the wall. “Because I do.”
Sophie laughs, watching them walk away and then turns back to me. “I can take him if you want to change your shirt.”
I look down at the puke on my right shoulder. “Oh, yeah.” I don’t want to put him down though, and I also want to talk to Sophie, alone. There’s a moment where I struggle with what to say, and when. The house is full of people and now isn’t the time, but she’s looking at me like she’s desperately waiting for me to say something.
Squeezing my eyes shut for a moment, I push out a needed breath and remember her look in the driveway this morning and the tone of her voice.
Water pools in her eyes when she looks at Lyric in my arms and then me. He wiggles in my arms when he notices Chevy on the ground and Nova crawling after him laughing. Knowing he probably wants down, I set him on the floor.
He takes off immediately, crawling as fast as his little arms and legs will take him into the kitchen after them.
Sophie turns and follows them. Maybe she doesn’t want me talking to her right now.
I run upstairs and change my shirt before making my way into the kitchen. Almost everyone is gathered in the family room off the kitchen. Mom’s near the stove with my Aunt Gale, both with glasses of wine in their hands, laughing.
Aunt Gale spots me immediately and smiles. She is probably my favorite aunt. Not because when I was little I was clearly her favorite and she used to bring me Laffy Taffy whenever she’d come
over, but because she always believed I’d be a rock star someday. She’d tell me constantly, “You’re going to be a star someday, boy.”
I don’t think I’m star level yet, but I am doing pretty well for myself and have a good following in Seattle. It doesn’t matter to me if I’m a star. I want to perform and if I can do that and make a living to pay bills, it doesn’t matter how famous I am or become. In my mind I’ve made it already.
Wrapping my arms around Aunt Gale, I hug her. She smells like red wine and bread sticks. Looking around at the display of food on the counter, I realize Tony must have brought over food.
There’s containers of spaghetti, lasagna, and what looks to be salads on the table.
“Smells good,” I note, kissing the side of Mom’s temple as I pass by to the fridge for what I hope will have beer in it. My heart pounds in my chest when I hear Sophie in the family room, her laughter ringing through the air as she plays with Lyric on the floor with Chevy.
I turn slightly to watch after retrieving a beer when Aunt Gale sighs beside me, giving me a one-armed hug “He looks just like you, Rawley.”
I nod, knowing she’s right, but I wonder if she knows I just met him the other day. She probably does. It’s not like Mom keeps any secrets from her sisters.
Mom picks up her glass of red wine, giving me a smile and a wink.
I take a deep breath. And another. I want out of the house but I know if I leave, I’m hurting more than myself.
Red, Tyler, Raven, and Lenny are all in the family room with Sophie, and part of me wants to go in there. I can see myself sitting down on the couch and joining their conversations, but it goes back to the hole I dug myself by leaving. I’m not a part of any of this anymore and it hurts. I’m not sure I was ever part of it if you want to know the truth. I’m invisible to almost everyone in this room after the shit I’ve pulled over the years. The memories of the party I destroyed flood my mind and they seem cruel now, like a punishment.
Red laughs at something, drawing my attention to him, drink in hand. I swallow against the lump in my throat as my eyes dart to his face. Red and I have never got along. I was that annoying little brother who wanted to be just like him, yet he never wanted anything to do with me. Raven gets along with him because he’s the big brother. Why wouldn’t the only girl in the family look up to him?
Raven’s never looked up to me. She’s always bossed me around and told me to stop fucking up. It doesn’t change the fact that at any time I could have called Raven in the last year and a half and she would have dropped everything to be there for me.
But I didn’t.
And that’s why I’m standing in the kitchen drinking alone, and they’re laughing together.
It’s sometime after dinner when I’m outside smoking and Sophie walks out, a hoodie on and hood pulled up over her head. The rain’s let up and we’re under cover, but the cool fall air has a bite to it.
Fog lingers in the backyard like the smoke filtering through my lungs. I shouldn’t be smoking, but dinner was about as awkward as it could get with them talking about the wedding and plans I know nothing about. At some point I wondered why I was even here.
“Hey,” Sophie says, leaning into the rail I’m standing against, her shoulder bumping mine. “Are you okay?” Her gaze follows the fog with her lingering question, her hair falling into her lashes.
“Why are you asking?” I ask while clearing of my throat. I know it’s not the nicest thing to say but I’m curious why she is. She shouldn’t care how I am after the way I’ve been treating her. When I was in Seattle, I missed this, even when we weren’t talking. It’s why I always went to her in the mornings after shows. I craved familiarity, and the kind I only had with her. I remember shaking fingers in the moonlight and the tremble to her voice when she finally said yes as she laid bare to the night on the seat of my truck.
I’m confused as to what to say. My teeth find the inside of my cheek, determined not to say more.
“Because despite what you think, I still care about you.”
I nod, suddenly feeling sick. It’s all I can do when the swell of emotion surfaces in my chest. No matter what I do to this girl, she still fucking cares, and she shouldn’t. She should walk away from me now and tell me to fuck off. She should take our son away and never let him get to know a man like me.
She reminds me of my mother, always giving me the one more chance I don’t need.
I look her straight in the eye. “I’m fine,” I finally tell her, putting out the cigarette and reaching for my beer on the rail. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
“I know you are, I just… I know this is all new to you, but I need to know for him. What’s going to happen after the wedding and you go back to wherever it is you have a life now?”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I tell her, my words softer than I imagine they would have been. “I can barely process any of this let alone what happens. I know I don’t want to leave and not know him. I want to be a part of his life.”
Hopeful eyes find mine in the night. “You do?”
I’ve been here just a few days and already I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. Of course I want to be a part of his life. I couldn’t imagine not.
“Yes, I do.” I turn to her and set my beer down. “Do you want to go to dinner with me sometime?”
The look that crosses her face is one of complete confusion. We haven’t been on a date in three years. The last time I took her out was the night before she left for Mexico.
I think she’s going to say no. Her face is telling me no but she surprises me when she whispers, “Would Tuesday work?”
The early morning sun hits my back as I sit on my bike next to the cemetery Sunday morning. I cut the engine off, but I make no move to get off the bike, my attention drifting to the headstones. I don’t even know how I got here only that I couldn’t sleep and decided to go for a ride through the city.
I haven’t been to my dad’s grave. Ever. Not even the day he died. I mean, I was at his funeral, but I never went toward the grave. Couldn’t make myself because I felt responsible in many ways.
After the fight we had, I couldn’t do it. I thought for sure if I went to his grave, the memories of the argument would return and I’d feel worse. I didn’t want to feel anything, let alone worse.
In a lot of ways, it was the guilt that kept me from coming. I said some horrible things to him the day he died, words I can never take back.
I take a deep breath and push the feelings down, wishing I could wrap my mind around everything that’s happened in the last few days, or what I’m doing here. Why now? Why, after being dead two and-a-half-years, did I decide to come here now?
Swinging my leg over the bike, I grab my helmet in my hand and make my way over to his grave site.
Setting my helmet on the ground at my feet, I stare at his headstone and the words written over the smooth surface.
Lyric Allen Walker
My heart tugs thinking of my son having the same name as my father. I may not have gotten along with him, but my dad was an amazing man. Red reminds me of him in so many ways. Noble, always ready and willing to defend what he thought was right. Smiling to myself, I’ve always thought we were so different, but for someone who’s been holding onto resentment for so long, I suppose I’m not that different, am I?
I sit down in front of the grave and stare at it. Grief squeezes my lungs and stiffens my throat. “I’m sorry for what I said to you that night, Dad.”
Drawing in a deep breath, I look up at the blue sky. It’s so I bright I have to squint. The ground’s cold and hard, the dirt beneath my feet sliding as I raise my knees to my chest. “But what I’m mostly sorry about is not being here yet. I guess maybe I didn’t know what to say so I stayed away.” Resting my chin on my knees, I shake my head. “I guess I was afraid you’d still be mad at me, like I’m mad at myself for the way I acted and the things I said.”
I sit there for another moment wishing t
o never forget even the smallest details about my father, like the sound of his voice. It’s sad that time steals those memories away from you. Even when I see pictures of him now, it’s like the memories are beginning to fade, and I hate it.
Lying back against the ground, I stare up at the sky and the streaks of clouds. “You probably already know this because you seem to know what the hell was going on in my life before I ever told you, but I’m a dad now, believe it or not.” I laugh, shaking my head. “I hate the night he was conceived. I fucking hate it so much that something so beautiful came from me at my worst,” I say slowly, letting my words come out as they need and not rushing to tell him anything. I feel something crawling on my hand and when I glance down, there’s a ladybug on the back of my hand. I raise my hand and hold it above my head staring at the bug. “His name is Lyric and if I had any choice in his name, I would have chosen that too. Sophie and I actually talked about it when we were younger that our firstborn son would have your name.”
The ladybug on my hand flies away with the subtle wind. I drop my palm onto my stomach and continue to look up at the sky, my breathing light and easy. I never would have thought it would be like this, being here.
“Sophie’s a great mom to him and I want to… I love her, still, always, but it’s hard to think of having a relationship with her. Every time I think of forever, I wonder about when she’s going to decide she wants something else. I mean, she did it once, you know? And it’s a shitty way to look at things considering how many times I’ve pushed her away.”
I don’t know why but I turn my head to the left. Right then I hear a noise and notice Red’s over by Nevaeh’s grave, talking to her. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but it seems heartfelt by the look on this face, one of sadness.
I think about losing Sophie, in the way Red lost his wife, and how sorry I’d be for everything I’d ever put her through. What if I never had the chance to make things right like I didn’t with dad?
