by Shey Stahl
After Rawley left the bar last night, Raven thought it was in my best interest to break out the tequila. It’s never a good decision to drink tequila as far as I’m concerned. But I did and honestly by the time I was in Rawley’s room, I wasn’t that drunk. But I was tipsy enough to let him know how I felt, so I did just that. And then some.
I’m not using the tequila as an excuse. I know what I was thinking. I missed the way we were, skin against skin as he moved above me, and soft curses falling from parted lips. I missed eager hips and urgent pleas, the trembling and heated expressions… I wanted that over the coldness and the blank looks I received.
Did I get that sneaking into his room?
God, that and so much more.
The Rawley I witnessed last night was so much more than I imagined. It was the old us. It was who we’ve always meant to be and it gives me the encouragement I need to continue to be patient and give Rawley the space he needs to make peace with our past and hopefully continue into our future, together.
I always knew I met Rawley for a reason that day at the bus stop. I did. I believe that. In some ways, maybe I cheated on him for a reason? I know that sounds completely crazy but the kids we were before spring break, we were naïve to the ways of the world and what it meant to truly be with the one you love. I’ve gotten glimpses of what that means in the last week. Like small glimpses of what we could be.
After letting Lyric play in puddles on the railing of the deck, Mia comes outside and motions to take him from me. “Can you please go help Raven? She’s freaking out and said she needs you upstairs.”
Laughing lightly, I shake my head. “Okay.” It’s not unlike Raven to freak out but in this scenario, it actually works in our benefit. Mia doesn’t know Lenny’s missing yet and I’m not telling her. Mostly because Raven swore me to secrecy this morning, but even if she didn’t, there’s no way I’m telling anyone the bride-to-be is MIA.
Handing over my little man, I step foot inside the kitchen.
It’s then my heart kicks up a notch and I want to reach up and touch it, remembering Rawley’s fingertips brushing over it.
Rawley’s at the table, his head in his hands, listening as Beck and Linc go over their playlist for tonight.
I freeze by the door. Taking a deep breath, I wave to the guys when they look my way. “Hey.”
Rawley’s head snaps up at the sound of my voice, and I’m weirdly happy to see him looking at me so intently, despite his friends sitting at the table.
Beck clears his throat, his chair scrapping against the tile as he stands. “Come on, Linc, let’s go um… check out this backyard and the stage.” Not the smoothest transition, but I appreciate the effort when they disappear and leave me alone with him.
Rawley doesn’t move as I step inside the kitchen.
Cautiously, he’s waiting on my reaction, eyes wandering with a dark intensity. I follow his lead and pay close attention to his appearance, looking for any indication of regret. His eyes are bloodshot, hair’s messy and clothes are wrinkled.
Twisting in the chair, his gaze travels the length of me. “How’d you sleep?” he asks casually,
I shrug, his nearness overwhelming me. “Not great.”
I only had about two hours of sleep before Raven called me, freaking out over Lenny disappearing.
“Me either.”
We both stare at one another, knowing we’re both thinking about last night. A line was crossed in his room and despite wondering if I should pretend nothing happened, it did and there’s no taking that back. Our true uncertainty lies in what comes next.
I look away first, the urge to stare at my feet suddenly taking over. A nervous laugh escapes me. “This shouldn’t be so awkward.”
“It is because it matters,” he adds quietly, his breath easy. When I do meet his eyes, his swallow is hard, his eyes unblinking. The importance of what happened reflects in his face, his posture. We both know it matters.
Standing, he’s closer now, our bodies nearly touching as we stand motionless.
God, I want to feel his lips on mine again.
Just the memories surfacing from last night tighten my stomach and warm my heart.
Rawley’s completely silent, unmoving, maybe even not breathing. And then he clears his throat, thinking about what I just said. My stomach flips when he barely raises those long lashes to mine.
What is he thinking? It’s driving me crazy not knowing.
“Do you regret it?” The words spill from my lips before I can stop myself. I guess I need to know that he doesn’t regret last night. I know he wanted it while we were doing it, but I still wonder how he’ll react now.
The corners of his mouth tug into a slight smile and the memories of last night hit me, my breath catching remembering the way his body slid against mine, the kisses… the touches.
He comes closer, one hand on the counter, the other reaching for mine, fingers grazing one another. The feeling of him touching me sends a jolt straight to my heart. It’s the simplest of gestures, him holding my hand, but he gets it.
We started when we were kids holding hands on the way to the bus stop. So simple, so innocent, even when there was nothing ever innocent about Rawley. His eyes beg, plead for me to see the truth in what he’s about to say, and I hold my breath, waiting.
“No, that’s not one of my regrets.” His words come out easy, like a gentle breeze, and I’m left with nothing content.
“Sophie!” Raven yells from the top of the stairs. “Get up here now!”
Rawley laughs when I jump, startled by Raven’s demand. He puts his arm around my shoulders, his smile sincere but eyes, they’re sad. “You better go. She’s in a bad mood today.”
“I know,” I say, taking a step toward the stairs. I can’t help myself but when his arm slips off me, I look back to see if he’s watching me.
He is. Eyes glued to mine and then he winks and turns around to walk outside.
My heart pounds as I jog up the stairs.
The moment I open the door to my room, I’m met with Lenny on the bed, covered in mud and soaking wet. She looks awful, like she didn’t sleep at all last night and not to mention she has what looks to be bird shit on her shoulder.
“Oh my God, Lenny, what the fuck happened?” I ask, closing the door behind me. Raven’s pacing the room, shaking her head as if she’s just as confused.
“I went to the cemetery to talk to Nevaeh this morning. Like before the sun even came up.”
“Um, okay…. Why?” Raven asks, handing her a towel and then putting one under her muddy feet.
Lenny shrugs, her eyes lost in thought. “I just… I wanted her approval.”
Raven stands in front of Lenny, her hands on her hips. “And why do you look like you just crawled out of a grave?”
Behind Raven, Nova walks in with what I know to be her second chocolate doughnut, leaving the door open behind her. She’s still in her pajamas and her curly hair is sticking out wildly in odd directions. The ceremony isn’t scheduled until three and we have at least six hours to get everyone ready.
Nova looks to Lenny, then Raven, her brow scrunched in confusion, and then a slow smile inches over her. “Oh cool! Are we having a zombie wedding?”
“No, we’re not,” Raven tells her. “Go tell Grammy we have a code red.”
She looks up at the ceiling, then to Lenny. “What’s code red?”
Raven turns her around toward the door. “Just go get her.”
Rolling her eyes, Nova huffs out a frustrated sigh as she turns to leave. “Fine.”
Lenny throws herself backwards onto the bed so she’s lying with her face covering her hands. “This sucks.”
I try to console her, not only because she’s one of my best friends, but because every time I’ve needed another new mom to talk to in the last eight months, she’s been there for me. “So what happened? How’d you end up looking like this?”
She groans, her arms over her face like she can’t bear to look at any
one as she tells this story. “I was at the grave talking to Nevaeh about the wedding and how I feel like I’m living the life she didn’t get to live with them and how sorry I was. I mean, I’m really fuckin’ happy, you know? And she’s dead. How fair is that? She died. That’s shitty for me to be happy, right?” She turns to look at us for an answer, but both Raven and I shake our heads, unsure of what the right words are for this conversation.
“It’s okay to be happy, Lenny,” Raven is quick to tell her, sitting on the other side of her after she ties her long hair up in a knot of top of her head. “You shouldn’t feel bad about that.”
“But I do. And then as I was basically standing there crying while in front of my soon-to-be husband’s dead wife’s grave, asking for her blessing, a bird took a shit on me.” She motions to her shirt with the bird poop on the shoulder. “A big, slimy white shit!”
Raven snorts. “Wait. You mean to tell me you were standing at her grave and out of nowhere a bird shit on you?”
Lenny sits up. “Yes… but that’s not even the worst part. Right before the bird shit on me, I asked her to send me a sign that marrying Red and raising Nova was the right thing to do.” A sob leaves her lips the moment the words are out, her face following into her hands. “I asked for a sign of approval, and she shit on me. I was so stunned by what happened, I started to walk away and I wasn’t even halfway to my car and the motherfucking sky opened up and started pouring.” She points outside, still crying. “And now my wedding is ruined because his wife doesn’t like me.”
Both Raven and I stare at one another and she mouths, “Do something!” like I’m gonna have the answer to fix the emotional mess of a bride.
“You’re the maid of honor!” I whisper-shout back.
We debate with one another when Nova walks back in the room. “Grammy said she’s putting the babies down for a nap. She’s coming.”
With a few calming breaths, Raven shakes her head. “I’ll be right back.” And then she disappears into the adjoining bathroom that separates my room from Rawley’s.
I look to Nova and then Lenny, who’s still crying. “Rawley changed my oil last night.”
Please for the love of God know what I’m referring to.
I’m also hoping my confession breaks the tension in the room.
Lenny giggles, her tears slowing as her hand covers her mouth for a moment, and then she stops and stares at me. “Did he use an oil filter this time?”
“Yes.” I’m just glad she’s not crying anymore.
Mia walks in right then, smiling. “What’s going on in here?” And then she glances at me, then Lenny.
Nova stands up on the bed and jumps on Mia’s back. “We’re having a zombie wedding and Uncle changed Sophie’s oil last night. He used an oil filter this time.”
Mia’s eyes snap to mine.
Kill me. Just fucking kill me already.
Mia’s face doesn’t give away what she’s thinking. She doesn’t look like she disapproves. At least I don’t think she does because she calmly asks, “In the driveway or did you guys go to the shop?”
Nova shrugs when Mia sets her down on the floor where she finds a bag of makeup to entertain her. “Probably at the shop, right, Sophie?”
My face is beet red. “Um, I uh….” I don’t even know how to answer that but thankfully, Lenny’s appearance catches Mia’s attention.
“Oh my, Lenny. What happened to you?”
She groans and flops back on the bed but doesn’t answer.
“It’s a code red, Grammy.”
Drawing in a calming breath, much like Raven did, Mia comes forward. “Is it because Red’s so nervous?”
That’s clearly the wrong thing to say. Even Raven comes out of the bathroom and smacks her mom’s shoulder. “Mom, you weren’t supposed to tell her that!”
“I knew it! It’s because he doesn’t want to marry me!” Lenny sobs, makeup running down her cheeks. “He knows Nevaeh doesn’t want him to!”
Raven groans, makes Lenny sit up and hugs her to her boobs. “Goddamn it.” Flashing her mother a look of annoyance, she pats Lenny’s wet hair, smoothing it out. “Shh, calm down.”
Mia moves to sit next to Lenny, her hand on her leg. “L, of course he wants to marry you. He does.”
“Oh yeah? Then why has he been acting so weird? And why did you say he was nervous?”
Raven pulls Lenny’s hair so she can see her face. “Why have you been acting weird?”
Fat tears that remind me of the rain rolling down the window I was staring at this morning break free from Lenny’s lashes as she blinks up at Raven. “Because I know he doesn’t want to marry me and he misses Nevaeh.”
“Did he say that?”
Lenny considers it and then shrugs one shoulder. “Well, no. Not exactly.”
“Well, then why do you believe it?”
“Because I’m an emotional basket case who spent the morning at the grave of her soon-to-be husband’s wife, asking for her blessing. And a bird shit on me. And it’s fucking raining.”
“In some countries raining on your wedding day symbolizes cleansing,” Mia notes, rubbing Lenny’s back. “Fresh starts. She’s telling you it’s okay to marry him. It’s your fresh start with the right man.”
“Okay but even if that’s true and the rain represents some sort of cleanse, it still doesn’t explain why the bird shit on me.”
Raven pulls out her cell phone from her pocket, types something, and then shoves the phone in her face. “It’s just another sign. It means good luck.”
Squinting her eyes, Lenny reads the article and then looks to Mia. “Okay, but you said he’s nervous. If he wants this, then why is he so nervous?”
“Sweetie, he’s only nervous because he loves you so much and wants to make you happy.”
I’m not even sure why, but it does nothing to help Lenny and she bursts into tears, again.
Mia looks at me, and then Raven when the bathroom door slams shut, Lenny on the other side of it. “Did I say something wrong?”
Raven growls. Actually growls. “What do you think, Mom? Sophie, go get Red.”
“What? Why me?” I point to myself in shock. I saw him downstairs earlier. He’s stressed enough.
“Because I don’t want to and you’re just standing there being absolutely no damn help so please go get Red.” Raven flops herself back on the bed, much like Lenny had done. “I’m freaking tired.”
DRAWING IN A heavy breath, I make my way downstairs to find Red. He’s not hard to find. All the guys are outside, trying to get the hay spread to soak up some of the mud and water in the backyard.
He’s over by the stage with Rawley. Pulling on my rubber boots by the door, I make my way outside to where they’re standing.
As I make my way to them, Rawley turns and smiles at me. Warmth finds my cheeks when he brushes away a drop of water on my face.
Red laughs at our interaction, but I think he can tell I’m out here for a purpose when I level him with a serious look. “We need you upstairs. Now.”
His eyes widen “Why?”
I hold up my thumb and forefinger pinching them together. “Well, we seem to have a tiny problem.”
He turns and immediately starts walking toward the house and I hurry to follow. Glancing over my shoulder, I watch Rawley, who then follows us.
Red tosses me a concerned glance over his shoulder. “What do you mean there’s a tiny problem? Is Lenny okay?”
“That’s the tiny problem. She’s locked herself in the bathroom and is convinced you don’t want to marry her because your mom may have let it slip you’re nervous.”
“What?” Red stops walking once we reach the deck, one foot on the step, his hand on the rail. “Seriously? She thinks I don’t want to marry her?”
I nod hesitantly, because I can tell there’s hurt flashing in his eyes.
The three of us make it upstairs and into the hallway where Red knocks on the bathroom door. “Lenny, open the door. Let me in so I can
talk to you.”
“No!” she cries. “I can’t. It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding and we don’t need any more bad luck. I was already shit on and it’s raining!”
“Shit on?” Red mouths to Raven when she comes out of the bedroom and leans into the wall, her arms crossed over her chest.
“Ignore that,” Raven whispers.
“Just admit it, Red. You miss her and you don’t want to marry me,” Lenny states, drawing Red’s attention to the door.
I don’t know if Red could sense this breakdown was coming, or not, but he slides down the wall and sits on the floor next to the bathroom door.
Rawley nods to the bedroom and the three of us follow him inside there, trying to give them space. We stand near the door though so we can still see and hear what they’re saying.
Once inside the room, Rawley stares at Raven and then steps away from her when she smacks the back of his head.
He rubs the spot, eyeing her with resentment. “What the fuck was that for?”
“This is your fault.”
Rawley shoves her onto the bed for hitting him. “How in the world is this my fault?”
I’m kind of dumbfounded on that one too and smile at Rawley. “Yeah, how is it his fault?”
“It just is.”
He’s about to say something to her when we hear Red talking to Lenny.
“Lenny, it’s not like that.” Red’s hands frame his head, a man desperate to have her believe him. “Our love isn’t the same, baby. Sure, emotions like devotion, trust, attraction, it’s there, but it’s like having a Chevy and then driving a Ford. They’re both cars, or trucks, but they’re still similar, if that makes sense. They both have engines, but there’s always going to be a uniqueness that separates the two from one another. Just because she’s gone didn’t mean I couldn’t fall in love with a Ford. I’m not trying to replace one with the other. After Nevaeh died, I didn’t think I’d ever love someone again. At first I compared everyone to her. Somewhere in my mind I’d idealized her and forgot all the bad stuff, just wanted to remember the good. For a while, no one could or would measure up to her in my mind. And then I met a girl wearing a “Get off my dick” T-shirt. And she was completely opposite from Nevaeh. She was a Ford. And now I wouldn’t go back to driving a Chevy. I want the Ford now.”
