by Shey Stahl
“But…” Lenny sighs, her voice wavering. “If she was still here… you wouldn’t be with me. You’d still be driving the Chevy, which technically you are, dummy.”
“Well…” Red lets out an emotional laugh. “Lenny, I don’t know what to tell you on that because you’re right, she and I would still be together. But it didn’t happen that way for us. She’s gone and you came into my life for a reason. I want to marry you.” He twists, pressing his forehead to the door. “I want to fucking marry you so please, when I go back downstairs, I hope that in two hours from now, you’ll come find me standing in the mud.”
She’s quiet for what seems like eternity and then she slips a note under the door. He reads it and then sticks it in the pocket of his jeans. “You better not leave me standing in the rain.”
“I won’t.”
As those words leave Red’s lips, I catch myself looking at Rawley, or maybe it’s that I feel his stare on mine. Oh God, my heart’s going to pound its way out of my chest.
I want to say something to him, but I’m not sure what to say, and Raven’s standing there.
Red peeks his head in, looking at Rawley. “Hey, man, I need your help downstairs.”
He nods but doesn’t make eye contact with him; it’s like he can’t.
Clearing my throat when Raven bumps me, making her way into the bathroom to get Lenny ready, Rawley and I are suddenly alone, for the moment anyway.
“I guess I’ll see you in a couple hours?”
I smile tenderly and nod. “I guess you will.”
His brow pulls together and he takes a step toward me, his body heat damn near overwhelming. My heart races, wondering what he’s going to do next when he leans in and presses his lips to my temple as he brushes past me.
It was the simplest of touches, the purest of moments, and I realize just how much he’s changed.
“So… are you gonna tell me what that was all about?” I can’t see his face but I can certainly hear the smile.
“I could ask you the same thing?”
Red stops at the bottom of the stairs. I’m one step up from him. “I mean with Sophie.”
“Oh, I know what you mean.” I step down, shouldering past him to head outside where the delivery truck just showed up with the tents. “And no, I’m not gonna tell you what it was about because I have no idea what it means.”
His lips pull up into a smile. “You little shit, you slept with her, didn’t you?”
I can’t hide my smile. Funny thing about it, I don’t want to anymore. It’s like I’ve been hiding for years. I shove him toward the back door. “Don’t you have a wedding to get ready for?”
He shrugs and we walk outside, the rain’s still coming down, the backyard beginning to flood as the guy’s scramble around.
“Jesus, what a mess,” Red mumbles, and I’m not sure he’s talking about the rain or the wedding itself. I can see in his eyes he’s worried about Lenny.
“What you said to Lenny….” My voice trails off, my hands finding residence in the pockets of my jeans. We wade through the mud to the stage. Luckily we’re about to get a tent big enough to cover the whole thing.
Beck and Lincoln are setting up the equipment so we can rehearse, but I’m more focused on my brother and what he was saying to Lenny moments ago. Music comes easily to me, this, being Red’s brother and then everything going on with Sophie, that’s where my mind is essentially lost. “Is it true?”
“What?” He eyes me curiously, as if my words are foreign to him.
“What you said to her about loving her differently.” I’m afraid to look up at him for a split second and then I realize, I don’t need to be. “Is that true?”
He thinks about it, his own stare on me and I can see him remembering what he said to his soon-to-be wife. “It has to be. I can’t love anyone like I love Nevaeh.” I don’t miss the tense he uses. Present tense. His love for the mother of his daughter will never change and it shouldn’t for her sake. She deserves to have him love her still, always. “I thought I did in the beginning but I knew it was different. Like I told Lenny, some things are still the same, the attraction, the want, you know, the physical sides of being in love with someone, but the love, you can love more than one person and in completely different ways. I love Nevaeh for what she gave me, our daughter, and what she showed me, how to love innocently and purely. With Lenny—” Red stops, his eyes closing. His chest expands in a deep breath and he shakes his head, his voice softening. “She’s like a gift, one you didn’t know you needed, but appreciate for what it is. It’s like taking the bus every day to work and then someone giving you a car for free without you even asking.”
I don’t say anything to him, his words rattling around in my head as I attempt to make sense of them.
He notices and dips his head to catch my eyesight. “Just because the two of you didn’t work out before, doesn’t mean you can’t now. You both lost something, just like I did.”
How can he even compare the two?
“No, you lost your wife, that’s completely different.”
“No, not really. You had pure love, the innocent kind I had with Nevaeh, and then it was taken from you. Maybe you didn’t mourn the loss in the same ways, but in order to love her now, in the ways you need to, you have to love what you have now. It won’t ever be the same. Neither one of you are those people you were before Mexico, and you shouldn’t be. You have to learn to love her for what she is now, the mother of your son.”
I think about his words until Nova comes up to us, still in her pajamas and what looks to be chocolate on her face.
She tugs on the sleeve of Red’s sweatshirt. “Daddy?”
He kneels down to her level, attempting to tame her curls by tucking them behind her ears. “Yes, darlin’?”
She shakes off his hands. “I thought we were having a zombie wedding?”
“Who said that?”
“Auntie?”
“Well, Auntie’s crazy so ignore her,” I tell Nova, smiling.
Raven choses then to come outside, holding Lyric in her arms. When he sees me, he practically lunges into my arms with a wide grin. I take him in my arms, holding him close. I don’t know how he did it, but in just a week’s time, this little boy has completely wrapped himself around my heart and life to the point where the next three weeks are going to be tough leaving him.
“I’m not crazy!” Raven glares at me.
“Twenty-three years of experiences with you says otherwise.”
Raven’s eyes narrow in on me. “If you weren’t holding my nephew in your arms, I’d lay your ass out.”
I don’t look at her; instead, I smile at Lyric as he touches my face. “I’d like to see you try.”
She flicks my ear and walks inside the house. “F-off. Come on Nova.” She takes her by the hand. “It’s time to get ready.”
“You’re so childish,” I yell after her, my shoulders shaking with laughter.
Beck and Linc approach me, both seeming relaxed. I glance at the both of them. “What’s up?”
Linc twirls a drum stick in his hand. “We talked to Dylan about the last few shows, and Sam. Looks like if we honor the last ones and leave in the morning, we’re good.”
Leaving in the morning. I let those words soak in because though I knew I was leaving in the morning, it still hasn’t completely sunk in.
Clearing my throat, I nod. “And you guys want to honor them, right?” I think they know my question spans a lot further than its intention here.
Beck’s shrugs. “We talked a lot on the way here and we know we were a bit hard on you but we had to be for you to see what you see now.”
As much as it hurt to have them turn their back on me, it was definitely needed.
TWO HOURS LATER, I’m standing next to Sophie, my palms needy when I reach for her hand and then tuck her arm in mine.
We don’t say anything, mostly because now’s not the time and we’re surrounded by people.
As we w
alk down the makeshift aisle lined with hay, her eyes leave mine, her expression still sincere as we move to our respective places under the arbor, waiting for Lenny.
The wedding march begins and Tyler walks Lenny down the aisle, both of them in rubber boots and umbrellas as the rain refuses to give up. Around fifty people fill the backyard in a private ceremony, one that’s determined to see this through, despite the weather.
There’s a wedding happening around me, vows and promises for eternity, but I can’t take my eyes off the breathtaking girl to the left. Her dress isn’t white, and she’s not the bride, but I don’t think my heart knows the difference.
I could close my eyes and pretend she is.
I could take a deep breath and tell myself not to think about anything else, but it’s impossible.
I can’t help but wonder if this girl, whose stare hasn’t left mine, is experiencing any of these same feelings. Is her throat tight with all the emotions racing through her mind?
“Beautiful,” I mouth in silence to Sophie, who’s holding her flowers close. I wink and notice her cheeks turning pink as she gives me a shy smile. Right now, in this second, she looks as consumed as I am.
“Sexy,” she mouths back, and I have to force myself to look away to keep from laughing at her boldness.
Shifting my gaze back to hers, I have to blink back the emotions racing through me. I struggle to refrain from the urge to fall to my knees and beg her for forgiveness.
For her, for now, I will wear a smile and suppress the guilt. But inside, watching her now, I won’t accept that we’re over. I won’t. We’re not. I want this warmth swirling within my chest to stay there forever. The feeling never truly went away. It only grew deeper.
Suddenly I feel as though everything I’m experiencing is on display for all to see. Taking a deep breath, I quickly scan the guests and realize everyone around is focusing on the nervous bride and groom, as it should be. Lenny’s smile’s soft as she watches my brother. His slow exhale and choked out, “I do,” surprise me, but then again, it doesn’t. The strength of love he has for her is something he thought was lost forever. The respect radiating through me for him and his decisions he’s made over the years is damn near overwhelming.
Against all odds, he found love again after it was ripped from his life. Red had a life, a wife, a family and it was taken brutally from him. He had a right to say, fuck it all. But he didn’t. That wasn’t Reddington Walker. Much like the weather today, he’d never give up.
Me? My girl cheated on me, but it wasn’t anything like what he went through. Yeah, it hurt and the resentment I carried around swallowed me whole, but did I have a right to behave the way I did?
No. I didn’t.
There’s been a lot of instances in my life when I wished I would have handled things more like my brother, but if I really think about it, I wish I could go back and tell my eighteen-year-old self to slow down and ask myself, would Red act this way? Because maybe if I had done that, if I had followed his example, pushed through my grief and resentment, Sophie and I would be the ones exchanging vows right now.
I take a deep breath, a pushing weight against my ribs. My eyes drift to Sophie, and then Lyric. They deserve better. Red was right. I have to learn to love the woman she is now, the mother of my son, and in many ways, I already do.
For her, for my son, I wouldn’t be the lost soul I once was.
I can’t be.
Rawley is a rock star in many ways. It doesn’t matter where he’s playing, he gives himself in his performance, whether it was the days when he started out playing in Lincoln’s basement or on stage at a bar.
Singing and performing is effortless and authentic for him. He’s complex enough to pull off the brooding musician and make it look natural in his misconstrued and rebellious ways.
Watching him on stage, he looks so much like the Rawley I fell in love with, scared of what the world would think and so passionate about his music. My heart weakens against the surge of adoration I have for him.
We can have forever, can’t we?
He plays dozens of songs, most we all know because they’re popular ones and he pulls off quite possibly the best acoustic version of “Are We in Trouble Now” by Randy Travis.
I’m utterly shocked when I hear that song for Lenny and Red’s first dance. And thankfully, the bride has relaxed and she’s crying for a different reason now.
When he’s singing “Stacy’s Mom” to Lenny, with Nova beside him pretending to play the guitar, he has everyone laughing. He’s on his knees in front of Lenny on the stage so he’s at Nova’s height, smiling and laughing around the words, changing lyrics to fit the moment.
Raven laughs beside me, drawing my attention to her. “What?”
“What a fool. Next thing we know his shirt will be gone.”
It’s pouring down with rain and though we have a tent over the stage, Rawley’s still slightly wet from probably sweat. He keeps sweeping his hair out of his face and I can see his white dress shirt clinging to the muscles in his chest and stomach.
Personally I’d love it if he took his shirt off, but he probably won’t. At least I wouldn’t think he would at a wedding but this is Rawley we’re talking about so you never know. “Oh, leave him alone.” I sway to the beat, enjoying the moment with everyone else.
With a grin of mischief on his beautiful face, he moves easily from alternative back to country and plays an acoustic version of Thomas Rhett’s “Die a Happy Man” for Red and Lenny, again, changing the lyrics to fit them by singing, “but that white dress, mmm, makes me forget how to breathe.”
Lenny shakes with tears, holding onto Red as they slow dance together in the middle of the yard, rubber boots and her dress nearly black at the bottom. I don’t think she cares at this point. I know I wouldn’t.
Raven sits beside me, her arm around my shoulder. “I’m so fucking glad the wedding part is over but damn, they’re adorable like this.” She motions to Red and Lenny.
She’s right, they are, though my eyes move to Rawley.
Raven notices, squeezing my shoulder. “Just wait.”
My eyes snap to hers. “For what?”
“This will be you some day.”
“What? Getting married?”
She nods, her grin much like her twin brother’s. That goofy innocence they seem to know exactly how to pull off. “I think you’re ahead of me on that one.”
And then she kisses my cheek as Tyler approaches her, his water cup in hand. “Maybe so, but… my brother loves you and he seems pretty determined lately to make you see he’s a different person than he was before.”
As she steps away with Tyler to the dance floor, my eyes drift to Rawley as he sings. My gaze then focuses on the way our son, who’s in Mia’s arms, is captivated by him.
Standing from my place at the table, I take one last drink of my wine and approach Mia. Lyric immediately holds his hands out to me, smiling.
Taking him in my arms, I sway with him, holding him close. The rain hasn’t quit but we’re covered under the tents and it makes for the coolest fog near the stage where Rawley’s standing before us. His eyes lock with mine, smiling down at us like we’re the only ones in this backyard. But we’re not. We’re surrounded by family and friends and I hope Rawley sees just how different this is from the last time he was in this backyard, with his family.
Lyric looks up at him as he belts out words at the top of his lungs, the tendons and muscles in his neck moving as he does so. “Your daddy is an amazing man, buddy.”
I want so badly for Lyric to know him and not the guy I had been given after Mexico. The Rawley I fell in love with at ten years old and you know, in some strange twist of fate, I found him in a week.
IT’S LATER IN the evening when Rawley appears almost nervous on stage, fidgeting with the mic and scratching the back of his head like he’s not sure what he’s doing up there.
I’m not exactly sure what to make of this considering he seemed fine all nigh
t until now.
“Do it!” Beck yells in the microphone, his voice a low growl that makes us laugh. It’s like they’re provoking him to play something he wouldn’t ordinarily play.
Restlessness takes the light from his eyes when he stares down at me. As quickly as my heart skips a beat, he looks away and leaves me with it.
“I’ve never actually played this song before,” he whispers into the mic, his voice thick with emotion. “This is actually the first song I ever wrote and until now, I’ve never played it.”
Rawley’s eyes find mine once again and they tell a different story from anything I’ve heard him say. His words, the look on his face, it’s enough that my heart cracks and gives him a piece of me he never had before. There’s been times with Rawley where I felt like we were both pulling on a rope, only neither of us were pulling at the same time. Now, in this moment, I think we’re finally fighting for the same thing.
Forgiveness.
He stands in the center of the stage, an acoustic guitar hanging from his shoulders but his eyes remain downcast on his hands. The opening notes of the song start out with a unique rhythm you want to slow dance to. And many do, but I can’t move. I’m rooted in place at what’s to come.
His lips part at the microphone and I anticipate what he’s going to sing, lyrics of bitterness, pain, or the indifference he practiced for so long. I’m met with none of that.
What he gives are honest lyrics falling from his lips that evoke a sadness from deep within. I bow my head.
I caused this pain.
We caused this pain.
My heart’s bare to the world,
You’re lookin’ the other way
Why can’t you see I loved you enough but you let it go?
Did our love mean anything to you?
I’m lost, baby, I don’t know how we got here
I just want you near
