by Shey Stahl
Can’t there be another way?
I’m surrounded, I’m forever stranded in May
You’re giving me words, apologies and excuses
Still nothin’s heard, it’s useless, I’m lost in blue
I don’t know what we should do
We go round and round
Why can’t you see me unbound?
Lost in you without a sound
I’m staring at the ground
Words fall from you tear-soaked lips
My heart dips
I stand there still, unbelieving, unaware, unattached
You’re giving me words, apologies and excuses
Still nothin’s heard, it’s useless, I’m lost in blue
I don’t know what we should do
We go round and round
Why can’t you see me unbound?
Can’t there be another way?
I’m surrounded, I’m forever stranded in May
I’m lost, baby, I don’t know how we got here
I just want you near
My heart thuds in my ears, so loud it nearly drowns out his words. The painful ones where he finally displays his pain is in every word he’s singing for us to hear, finally unbound.
My eyes sting, tears swallowed instead of released. I want to cry and plead, beg him for the things I don’t completely understand, like these lyrics and the way he can pour himself into this, but can’t to me personally. But I know this is him. This is why he’s the musician he is.
Rawley’s got problems deeper than anyone will ever realize, but that’s what makes him so special. He once told me he was infected, but in that imbalance comes a passion most will never begin to touch on in their lives. I think it’s what makes him an artist though.
As much as I want him to let go of Mexico, I need to let go of the man I think he is, because it’s clear, the Rawley I used to know isn’t him any longer.
I feel our heartache in my stomach, pulsing through me just like his words. I cry, because I can’t help it, brushing tears away as soon as they fall.
The music drops, everything quiet and my eyes snap to his as he sings in pin dropping silence, his voice breaking, “I stand here now, bleeding words, can you forgive me like I forgive you?”
For so long Rawley tested my vulnerabilities and weakened my ability to stand on my own two feet, but I let him. And then I stood up for myself, but I never forgot why we were on that tedious path we’d chosen together. It’s when you finally listen, when you finally hear the heartache, that’s how you forgive.
IT’S NEARING MIDNIGHT when the band finally turns on the radio, the party still in full swing. With a smile on his face, Rawley sets his guitar down and jumps down from the stage. Drawing in a deep breath, he looks over at me sitting at the table with Lyric asleep in my arms but he doesn’t come toward us yet.
Dylan and Beck are talking to him but he seems indifferent to what they’re saying. Or is he? He frowns as his hands find their place in his pockets, his eyes flashing with something I can’t quite catch in them as he waits by the stage. Is he disappointed?
Mia approaches me first, a tender smile, hand rubbing my back lightly. “Awe, he’s out, huh?”
“Yeah, he fell asleep a while ago.” I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want to miss a single moment of Rawley singing.
“I can lay him down if you want. I’m gonna head inside for a while.”
I give him over to her when she reaches for him. When Mia passes by Rawley, she says something in his ear. He leans in and kisses Lyric’s forehead, winking at his mom.
I know the moment he’s near, at least my body does. My heart beats so hard, his hands moving from my arms to my hands. I breathe in, his chest meeting my back before I release its hold.
Carefully, as though he’s not sure of what my reaction will be, his nose brushes the side of my neck. Like I’ve been shocked, my body trembles because I know words are about to follow and the possibility of what he might say. As though I’m anticipating them, I hold onto that feeling for a moment, cherish it even until he finally says, “You’re so beautiful tonight. It really wasn’t fair to Lenny.” His lips pause at my ear, waiting on my reaction. Instinctively, my fingers tightening around his wanting to make the moment last forever.
As we stand there, flashes of last night surface behind my closed lids, his heavy breathing, the way he moved… it’s enough that my breathing falters and I wonder if he too remembers.
My smile tugs at my lips, my gaze meeting the black sky, caught up in the way the twinkle lights make it look like stars. “You’re biased though.”
His rough breath... his hesitation... his… “I guess maybe a little.” His face dips, his mouth parting at the curve of my neck.
“Turn around,” he says softly, my body surrendering to his even when my heart still holds on to what we’re not saying.
When I turn around, he’s a lot closer than I’m expecting, his hands now tucked in his pockets.
I want his eyes. I want to see his expression so I take a step back.
He smiles with wandering eyes, only he doesn’t move when I do. Instead, he watches me, waiting to see what my reaction might be to our closeness.
Following his lead, I pay close attention to his own appearance now that I can see him up close. The top few buttons are undone and his tie-knot loose at the collar—his suit jacket long since discarded.
Pulling in a deep inhale, his chest expands, his smile remaining as if he’s holding onto a secret.
It’s this side of him that makes me want to touch him, my palms itching to remember the feeling of his skin.
My heart beats speed when his lips part, knowing words are soon to follow. What if he says something I don’t like? What if this is when he tells me, last night was fun, but that’s where it ends?
I’m not sure what I’m thinking, maybe I’m wanting to convince myself him being near is real but I raise my palm to his face. “I remember this boy, the one on stage tonight,” I whisper. “You reminded me of that night in Portland. Do you remember that night?”
“Yeah, I do.” He darts his eyes from mine and glances at the stage. “I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that relaxed on stage before.” Swallowing hard, he takes a step forward toward me, his warm chest against mine now. “I think I did that night in Portland because you were there. Maybe that’s why tonight felt so right.”
I nod, unsure what to say because despite this not being our night, in many ways it felt like a glimpse as to what our future might hold between us.
“Will you dance with me?” he asks, tone gentle but the way the words are delivered, it’s a rough whisper I’m craving. Sadly, I know I won’t deny him. I also know him and when he wants to convince me of anything, he knows how. Cupping my cheek, he brings us together, his eyes falling shut. “I want to hold you.”
Like I’d say no to him now.
Carefully, his thumb strokes my cheek, the softest of touches meant to melt my heart. With his touch, my eyes move to his, my resolve weakening. My eyes water, lips trembling as I clutch his shirt and smile. “You’re holding me now.”
He exhales, the corners of his mouth lifting. “I know, but it’s not enough.” Pleading eyes tell a story, one I’m too weak not to hear. “I want you closer.”
He swallows, watching me with the same passion that held me to him for years.
“I don’t know why, but suddenly no amount of time with you seems like enough,” he admits, his lips brushing my temple.
Our movements aren’t rushed, they’re slow, his hand on my waist guiding me but there’s a certain amount of possessiveness in his grasp like he doesn’t want to let go of me. My palms slide higher around his shoulders, unsure of anything but his hold on me and the way warmth beneath his shirt warms my skin despite the chilly night.
He watches me, his face completely unreadable.
My body relaxes, and I can’t remember the last time it was this easy for us, or him holding me because he wante
d to, not because he was trying to force me to stay with him.
Our eyes catch beneath artificial stars, his brow furrows, a crease along the outer corners. His expression borders on painful. “I don’t know how to make any of this right,” he says, swallowing, and I know his sadness is as overwhelming as mine. “With you… with Lyric. I just….” He stops because I don’t think he even knows what he wants to say.
It’s hard when you know you’ve fucked things up beyond repair and there might not be a way to find redemption. You have to live with the consequences and sometimes it’s too much to take, a heaviness you’re not sure you can carry around.
His hand moves to my neck, goose bumps moving through my body like adrenaline at his touch.
He breathes, lowly, his lashes fluttering as if touching me ignites the same reaction from him. “You’re so beautiful tonight, you’re always beautiful and I took that for granted.”
My palms find his chest again, feeling the pounding of his accelerated beat. “So are you,” I whisper, his lips faintly gliding across my forehead.
And then he’s kissing along my jaw and there’s no one else here but us, two people who just might be as lost as the other. Wanting to hold him closer, my fingers grip his shirt, refusing to let go.
As if he knows I’m melting into him, his hands slide to my hips, his lips moving to my ear. “I didn’t sleep well because you were all I thought about after you left.” He pulls me in closer, and I’m willing.
It’s as if I’ve suddenly forgotten how to breathe as my heart flutters beneath my ribs. He still knows how to get a reaction out of me, and this time, it’s one where I want to wrap my legs around his waist like a damn spider monkey and cling to him.
“All day I couldn’t stop thinking about the feel of your body beneath mine,” he shares and then chuckles softly. “It was kind of distracting to say the least.”
I can’t meet his eyes when he admits that. It’s something I’ve also thought about all day long.
“Look at me,” he says, bringing his palm back to my cheek.
My lips part wishing he’d to tell me everything he thought about today. I certainly didn’t expect him to talk this much when I agreed to dance with him.
Drawing back, his eyes hold mine looking at me in a way I remember. As if I’m all he wants. As if I’m the answer.
Silence settles between us and then suddenly his expression is a powerful combination of trouble and relief. I want to look away because for some reason I feel like he’s showing me a side he’s never showed before and it’s almost too much.
The twinkling lights above show me a different side I didn’t see in the distance of the stage earlier.
His eyes, they’re red and wavering, but he’s not crying. He’s remembering as he draws me close to his chest. I couldn’t even tell you the song playing because it doesn’t matter.
“That song….” I look up at his stubble chin and inviting lips. “Was it about me?”
He nods and then sighs, knowing exactly what song I’m referring to. His head remains tucked down, his chin nearly touching his chest. A heartfelt smile tugs at my lips as I watch his lashes dance shadows across his cheeks.
“What does this mean?” My question runs deep and he knows it. All of this, him being here, Lyric, the song, him leaving in the morning… I desperately want to know what all of it means.
“I just…” and then nothing.
Nothing!
“Just what?” I’m nervous, but we’re being honest and it feels so good for once.
“Even when I was in Seattle, I couldn’t forget you. I tried. God, did I fucking try but something wouldn’t let me.” We stop swaying to the music and he holds me still. “Sophie, I live and breathe and think about you all the fucking time. I wish I didn’t. I really do. You said it was my smile that drew you in, but until last night, I hadn’t seen yours in years. The worst part about it is I’m the reason for that.”
My throat constricts. I know exactly what he’s referring to. For the longest time, I don’t think I knew how to smile anymore.
“I still love you.” My breath leaves my lips with a whoosh. I had to say it. He needs to know where I stand in all this. “I never stopped.”
“Sophie….” He sighs, both his hands raising to frame my face. As soon as he touches me, I’m done. My body trembles at the thought of being with him again. It’s the kind of electricity and needles I experienced in the beginning. The kind that attacks your bones knowing this is the touch I’ve been waiting for my entire life. For so long his touch was harsh, regret filled, and it would fall away just as easily as it came. Now it’s different. We’re different. “I don’t want to leave here tomorrow without knowing I have you to come back to when I’m done with my last five shows.”
His gaze is sincere and intense as he frames my face with his palms, his eager lips finding mine. They’re the same lips I’ve felt for years, but the kiss is different. It’s the beginning of others, a new chapter in our life.
“Can I see you when I get back? Like a date?”
“I’d like that. Maybe one where you don’t flip a table over?”
He sighs dramatically and rolls his eyes as we begin to sway to the music again. “I’ll try really hard. Maybe we should try McDonalds? Their tables are bolted down.”
I grin and stare up at him. “Good point.”
What does it mean to truly forgive someone?
Holding a grudge against someone makes you weak. So weak to the point where you start making excuses for your behavior, and their’s. It makes you bitter to everything around you, including them.
When you truly forgive them, it sets you free.
Free to remember all the good things they did too, not just the one thing they did wrong that you’re holding onto.
That’s how I feel when I decide to forgive Rawley and move on with my life.
It’s been three weeks since Rawley had to leave town. He left the day after Red and Lenny’s wedding to head back to Seattle to finish out the last five gigs in his contract with that piece-of-shit manager Sam.
And though Rawley leaving hurts this time, I can’t help but think it’s funny how things changed so drastically.
The last time Rawley left town I found myself relieved and determined to forget about him. Of course, it was a waste of time considering I found out I was pregnant four weeks after he left. This time though I’m doing everything in my power to feel him even though he’s not here. I started sleeping in his room the night he left. It makes me feel closer to him. So now I lay awake every morning staring at the ceiling thinking of him as I hug his pillow. I miss him and while the daily calls fill some of the void, I can’t wait to see him again. To hold him. To have him hold me again.
As I’m getting Lyric ready that morning and keeping an eye on the weather reports, I get a text from Raven letting me know they got to the restaurant sooner than they expected and were seated at a table.
I look to Lyric who’s taking his shoes off again. Given, they’re hardly shoes, more like slippers but I can’t keep anything on his feet. He’s a barefoot kid all the way.
Glancing out the window to see if the snow’s started yet, I tickle Lyric’s belly lightly. “We need to get going, little man.”
He smiles at me, like “yeah right, Mom.”
Blowing in my hands to gain some warmth in them, I send Raven a quick text once I’m in the car letting her know I’m on my way to the pizza place for lunch. Red and Lenny finally left for their honeymoon two days ago so Tyler and Raven have been watching Chevy and Nova. They waited until Raven was on Thanksgiving break from school because she was adamant she and Tyler watch the kids for them. I think she has a personal agenda she’s not sharing with anyone, but looking at Tyler, I think he’s feeling a bit overwhelmed while Raven is hardly rattled.
Raven is going to make a great mom someday.
Once I’m inside the restaurant, I sit back and watch them for a moment, fascinated by how good of parents
they will be. Chevy is all over the place since he started walking and Nova purposely leads him where she shouldn’t in hopes he’ll get lost and never come back. It’s funny, she never leads him to actual danger, but she has been known to lead him to other families in hopes they will just take him home with them. Tyler spends a lot of time racing after them and grabbing Chevy back from wherever Nova has left him.
“Stop checking your phone,” Raven tells Tyler when I’m seated at the table. She’s got Chevy on her lap, and I think the only reason she doesn’t have her phone in her hand is because Chevy’s using it as a chew toy.
Tyler gives her a blank stare. “You should be concerned with this, Raven. We’re supposed to get like three feet of snow.”
It’s rare we get that much snow in a year, let alone in one night.
“We probably won’t get any,” she says, prying her phone from Chevy and then wiping the drool off.
Nova can barely keep herself contained as she’s barely seen snow before other than the time we took her to the mountains last year. “I hope we get snowed in!”
“Are you going to his last show tonight in Seattle?” Raven asks me out of the blue. It takes me a minute to catch up to what she’s referring to. “We can watch Lyric for you if you want to go.”
Honestly, all I’ve thought about today is Rawley playing his last show in Seattle and the temptation to drive up there. Every time I’ve seen Rawley perform, I’ve seen the harsh bitter man he’d become after our breakup. I’ve watched two of his shows on YouTube since he’s left and this guy, the energetic front man of Torque everyone is talking about, I want to see that performance.
Tyler whips his head around with wide eyes gaping at Raven. “Raven! Why would you offer that up right now?” He then gestures to Nova and Chevy with a flick of his wrist. “We’re in over our heads as it is.”
“What? What’s one more kid? You know if we try that egg thingy I might get pregnant with triplets.”
My heart leaps a little at the mention of Raven getting pregnant. Tyler’s seizure medication had inadvertently made him sterile as a teenager. Recently they went to see a doctor who said it might be possible to harvest sperm from Tyler even though he’d been told there was no chance. It was a long shot but the fact that there’s a chance is hopeful for them. It’s a lot better than hearing you’ll never have one of your own.
