toad witch 04 - aunt tilly were canning demons

by Christiana Miller

  “You could go to a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter, get a meal.”

  “That’s what grocery store dumpsters used to be for. Until all the millennials started dumpster diving. Now, everyone’s worried about lawsuits,” he said, shaking his head. “What’s this world coming to?”

  “Why don’t you come with me? I think McDonalds is open twenty-four hours. I’ll buy you dinner.”

  “You’d do that?” he said, his face lighting up. “I haven’t had a Big Mac in years.”

  “Absolutely.”

  He stood up, and turned to call the demon-dog.

  “But you’ll have to leave the dog here. They’re not going to let him in.”

  He stopped and looked back at me. “He’s my only friend. I can’t leave him here. Aren’t we going through the drive-thru, anyway?”

  I thought fast. “Yes, but…to be honest with you, he really scared me. I don’t want to be in a car with him, in case he gets all growly again. Gus is here. He can watch him until we get back.”

  “If you’re sure…” he walked a step closer to me, then stopped again.

  I just needed him to take a couple more steps, and Gus could complete the circle without Frank in it.

  “I don’t feel comfortable with this. Maybe you can pick me something up and bring it here,” he said.

  “Okay. But could you come over here and tell me what you want? That dumpster smell is making me nauseous. I can’t keep standing here. I’m going to get sick.”

  “Oh, my Lord. I wasn’t even thinking,” he said, ambling over.

  Gus quickly completed the circle around the demon, muttering an incantation over it, as he went back around the circle with the mixture I had made.

  As Frank walked over to me, the demon-dog got up, growling, and moved towards us. But when it got to the edge of the circle, it stopped in its tracks, as if it had hit a wall. The demon cocked his head and gave Gus an evil look, its eyes glowing red.

  “What’s going on here?” Frank asked.

  “That’s not a real dog,” I said to Frank. “It’s a demon.”

  “Get out. That’s crazy talk.”

  Gus held up his super-soaker. “I’ll prove it. This is filled with holy water. If he’s just a dog, it’s not going to hurt him.”

  “Unless you doctored it,” Frank said.

  Gus pumped the gun, turned it on me, and squirted me with holy water.

  “Hey!” I shouted. “Rude!”

  “See, just water,” Gus said.

  Then he pumped it again and pointed it at the demon-dog. When he squirted the dog, it yelped. Smoke rose from its skin, as the water left a bloody mark.

  “Well, I’ll be damned,” Frank said.

  “You were about to be. It’s been staking you out as its next meal,” I said.

  “Demoni figye apo to skeili,” Gus intoned at the dog.

  The dog, if anything, got more aggressive, snarling and getting into an attack posture.

  “I don’t think that’s working,” I told him.

  “It should be.” Gus looked at me, irritated. “I told the demon to leave the dog.”

  “Gus, the demon isn’t in the dog. The demon is the dog.”

  Gus looked at me, stumped. “I didn’t memorize the incantation for that.”

  “That’s the problem with using a foreign language.”

  “Not just a foreign language, it’s one of the original magickal languages. Let me try again. Demoni figye apo etho.”

  “What did you tell it?”

  “I told it to leave from here.”

  “And go where?!”

  The demon-dog lifted its leg and started peeing on the circle. The circle started disintegrating.

  “Fanfuckingtastic. It looks like you’re getting your wish! It’s leaving the circle.”

  “Run!” Gus hollered, as the circle broke. “Go, go, go! Get to the SUV!”

  The three of us started running, booking for the SUV and the safety of Mama Lua’s.

  CHAPTER 12

  The demon seemed to know where we were going. It banked right and tried to beat us to the SUV. We just managed to jump in ahead of it, slamming the doors in its face.

  Gus hit the gas, and spun to the left. The sudden change of direction took the demon by surprise and bought us some time as Gus raced for the exit.

  The demon doubled its speed and jumped on the hood of the SUV, its face looking down at us, snarling through the windshield. In the back, Frank made the sign of the cross and started praying.

  Gus careened back and forth, trying to throw the demon off, but it had a tight hold. As we turned out of the lot, the demon rammed its head into the windshield, over and over. Tiny cracks appeared and spidered out.

  One more hit and the demon’s head broke a hole in the windshield. It came through, still snarling, its drool dripping on the dashboard. Gus slammed on the brakes and the SUV skidded to a stop. We threw open the doors and ran.

  Frank was surprisingly fast as he turned and sprinted ahead of us. I was, unsurprisingly, the slowest, as I held my protruding belly and ran.

  Pregnant women weren’t meant to run. I desperately needed to stop. I was panting and in pain. I wondered if all the bouncing would give the baby a concussion. Although a concussion was better than being eaten.

  “Give, me the soaker,” I panted. “I’ll keep it at bay. You get to the store.”

  “No, way. I’m not leaving you behind,” Gus said, running beside me. “Come on, you can do it. We’re almost there. You can see the store from here.”

  I had a stitch in my side and my lungs were burning. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to keep running.

  Our bailing out of the SUV had surprised the demon, so we got a little bit of a lead, while the demon was trying to pull its head out of the windshield. The demon shook its entire body, shattering the windshield glass, then jumped off the SUV, turning to run after us.

  The Crooked Pantry was still about half a block away. Frank was almost there, but the way the darkness was spreading behind us, as street lights flickered and went out, it was clear the demon was gaining ground, with its longer-than-I-liked stride.

  “Gus, be real. You don’t need to outrun the demon, you just need to outrun me. A toddler could outrun me.”

  “Let it never be said that Gus was saved by the ultimate sacrifice of a pregnant chick. You keep going, I’m going to distract it.”

  “How? I don’t want you to get eaten!”

  “I won’t, I promise. Now, move it, will you? You need to unlock the door and get Frank inside, before that thing chows down on all of us. And be ready for me to come in hot.”

  I nodded and kept running.

  Gus whirled around and faced off with the creature. “Come at me, Demon. You want this? Look at how tasty and nutritious I am.”

  The demon growled and turned its focus on Gus. Gus squirted the demon in the forehead with the holy water. It screamed as a bloody welt appeared through its fur.

  “What’s the matter? You can dish it out, but you can’t take it?”

  The demon snarled and doubled down on its pursuit of Gus. Gus ran, zig-zagging back and forth, squirting the demon dog whenever it got too close.

  “Come on, girl, run faster!” Frank yelled at me from the stoop in front of the store.

  Behind me, I heard Gus taunting the demon. “Over here, Chompers.” Inside me, I could feel the baby turning to watch the demon.

  I put my head down and ran, trying not to focus on anything other than the door, my breathing, and holding my belly.

  I reached the Crooked Pantry and whipped out the keys, just as Gus nailed the demon again with a stream of holy water.

  “Take that, you beast of hell,” Gus said, laughing. “I am Gus, hear me roar! I am the King of the Universe.”

  I heard him pump the soaker again, then…

  “Oh, shit.”

  I turned and saw Gus throw the super soaker at the demon, hitting it square on, then take o
ff running, heading for us.

  I held the door open, trying to eyeball which one of them would get here first, Gus or the demon. “Hurry! It’s almost on you!”

  Gus picked up speed, but so did the demon. As Gus ran across the street, the demon jumped, its body elongating, airborne, making up the distance.

  I screamed. There was no way Gus was going to make it.

  Gus jumped for the curb. His foot slid on the red paint, and he went down, his arm blocking his face in a defensive gesture.

  Nick’s cop car careened around the corner, and plowed into the demon as it landed on the street, sending it flying. Nick got out of the car, gun drawn. He grabbed Gus and lifted him off the concrete.

  The demon got to its feet, shaking its head, disoriented. Then it fixed its gaze on Nick and Gus, and started running.

  Nick shoved Gus inside The Crooked Pantry, ready to stay outside and do battle with the demon. Gus and I yanked Nick inside, just as the demon was lunging for him. I slammed the door shut in the demon’s face, locking it.

  The demon backed up, then ran straight for the window. He was big enough to shatter it.

  “Take cover!” Nick yelled.

  The demon launched itself at the window, but never landed. Instead, he seemed to bounce off of nothing and get thrown into the street.

  Just as the demon was gathering momentum for a second run, I heard a roar and a screech of tires and it vanished, mid-leap.

  Nick and Gus and I stood there for a moment, looking out of the window, up and down the street. All we could hear was the revving of a motorcycle engine.

  The demon was nowhere to be seen.

  “It’s got to be the wards,” Gus said. “Mama Lua’s got this place really warded.”

  “Is that what that is? My head feels like it’s in a vice,” Frank complained.

  Frank was doubled over, holding his head. Gus and I looked at each other. There had to be something special about Frank. Mundane people couldn’t feel wards.

  “I’ll take care of him,” Gus said.

  I nodded and looked out of the window, in case the demon returned, but the street was empty. Gus walked over to Frank and very faintly, I could hear him humming the same tune that had loosened the wards before. I saw Frank slowly get back up on his feet.

  “Where did it go?” Frank asked.

  Nick looked grim. “Hopefully, back to Hell.”

  Inside me, the baby was still active, looking around. I really didn’t think the wards had blown the demon to another dimension. Which meant it probably was still here, somewhere. Although, this was Mama Lua we were talking about. And her wards were pretty intense.

  “Let’s get you out back,” Gus said. “The wards aren’t as bad out there, and there’s a sofa you can sleep on.”

  While Gus was getting Frank settled in on a sofa, with a spare blanket, Nick went out to double-check all the locks on the gates and the doors before he left.

  “Pip Squeak! Go visible!” I commanded.

  He appeared, holding Aunt Tillie’s skull in his hands, like he was about to throw her on the ground and smash her.

  “Do NOT hurt the skull,” I said. “Put it down, gently, on the counter. You are barred from injuring the skull.”

  Pip Squeak looked both disappointed and aggravated, but he set the skull down on the counter. “I wasn’t going to hurt it but you never said anything about scaring it.”

  “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through? This over-grown, giant-handed, green dildo with ears has been torturing me, all night,” Aunt Tillie snapped, her eyes glowing with irritation. “If it was up to him, my skull would be in shards right now.”

  “Later.” I said. “I need the two of you to focus and tell me something. You know how the wards here feel and how strong they are. There’s a demon who wants in. I know it can’t get into the store. But can it get through the wards into the back area or into the cottage?”

  “I haven’t been in the cottage, but if there’s no portal, it won’t get in the back,” Aunt Tillie said.

  “Agreed. I’ve been in the cottage, and it’s not getting in there either, unless someone opens up a portal for it,” Pip said.

  “Great. That makes me feel a lot better.” I grabbed my stash of demon books and ordered Pip to go with me. I was going to have him keep doing research, so Gus and I could sleep. Obviously, we needed more intel on the demon, and quick.

  “So that hobbit gets to leave the store, but I don’t?” Aunt Tillie snapped.

  I grimaced. The thought of Aunt Tillie hanging out in the bedroom with us was hair-raising. “Chill. We’re taking you to Hollywood Forever Saturday night.”

  “If that demon doesn’t kill you both first.”

  I sighed and got out my phone. “Fine, I’ll text Nick and tell him that if anything happens to us, he should drop you off at Hollywood Forever and…?”

  “Leave me anywhere. You know where would be good? Over by Rudolph Valentino. Or Tyrone Powers. Oooh, or Douglas Fairbanks. Where is Cary Grant buried?”

  “He was cremated.”

  “Oh, well, maybe he’ll visit.”

  I gave Aunt Tillie a thumbs up, texted Nick to make sure he got home okay (he did), and went off to the bedroom. I wasn’t thrilled about having Pip with us, but we needed a look-out in case the demon came back and I commanded him to stay at the desk and search the demonology books while we slept. Now that we had more information, and knew what we were looking for, hopefully, our demon would be easier to find.

  Just to make sure that Pip wasn’t going to be a problem, I told him that he wasn’t allowed to mess with us or wake us up, unless he found information on our demon, or the demon returned, or our mysterious wall-scribbler broke in again, and that he wasn’t allowed to leave the cottage grounds. The last thing I needed was him sneaking off to the store, to keep torturing Aunt Tillie.

  WHEN MORNING DAWNED, Pip Squeak was looking bleary-eyed. “There are dog demons, human demons, demons with dog faces and human bodies, demons with human faces and dog bodies, shapeshifting demons, but so far, nothing that changes shape according to its diet. This is stupid.”

  I yawned and stood up. “I’m going to take a shower. You keep reading.”

  “Do you really enjoy torturing me this much?” he asked, tossing a book on the floor.

  “It has its moments.”

  “I’m tired of reading,” Pip said, rubbing his eyes. “I flunked out of elven school for a reason.”

  “Good thing the books are written in English then.” I nudged Gus and he sat up with a start. “Wake up, sleepyhead. We have a demon to find.”

  Pip slammed his book shut. “This would be a lot easier if I could just go back through the portal to my side. I have a friend who worked for a decade, feeding the demons in Tartarus.”

  “That’s a job?” Gus asked.

  “A punishment,” Pip corrected.

  “What did he do?” I asked.

  Pip shrugged. “He tried to show Hekate a good time while she slumbered.”

  Gus choked on a laugh. “And she only sentenced him to a decade?”

  “To be fair, he didn’t realize it was the Goddess. He just saw a slumbering maiden.”

  “That doesn’t make it right,” I said. “There’s this thing called consent. I’m sure it can’t just be a human invention.”

  Pip sighed. “Yes, ’tis the bane of our kind. But still. She sicced one of her serpents on him during the trial. He was devoured and regurgitated every day for a week. And then she took his joystick away and locked it up until his sentence was served.”

  “At least he was able to get it back, eventually,” Gus said.

  “It still wasn’t right,” Pip sulked.

  “Can you still go back to your world?” I asked.

  Pip nodded. “As long as the portal remains. And so far, it’s still there. I checked on it last night.”

  I was about to go into the bathroom, when I was struck by a thought. I turned back to Pip. “Did our intruder
come back last night?”

  “Come back?…Yes.” Pip said.

  “What?!” Gus yelled. “You didn’t wake us.”

  Pip shrugged. “She said “Pip only wake us if our mysterious wall-scribbler breaks in again.” Didn’t break in. Unlocked the door, looked at the wall, left. Nothing to wake you up for.”

  I did a mental head slap. I knew Pip hated being bound, so I should have realized he was going to be as literal as possible.

  “What did he look like?” I asked. “Was it a he? Or a she?”

  Pip shrugged. “This is why everyone should be naked, all the time. It would be easier to tell. All I saw was tall and skinny. Wore a cloak and mask. Could be a he. I didn’t smell the essence of a she.”

  “I wonder why he just looked in and left?” Gus asked.

  I shrugged. “We didn’t clean the sigils off the wall. So, he probably thinks his portal is still open, and he doesn’t realize he messed it up.”

  “Hmmm. So, if we want him to come back, and stay long enough for us to trap him, we need to clean the wall.” Gus said.

  “But that would get rid of Pip’s portal. He would be trapped here.”

  Gus shrugged. “We could send him back and get rid of the portal while he’s gone.”

  “What?! No!” screeched Pip. “Pip is enjoying himself. This is Pip’s first vacation in eighty years. And you need Pip’s help with your demon.”

  I looked at Gus. “We could take pictures of the wall first, so we can recreate Pip’s portal later if we need to.”

  “Your call,” Gus said. “You’re the one in charge of Small Dong Silver.”

  I gave Gus a look.

  “What? Do you like Jolly Green Midget better?”

  “What about just calling him Pip?” I asked.

  “That would be Mr. Squeak, to you,” Pip told Gus.

  I looked at Pip. “If you go through the portal, how fast can you be? If we send you through, we would need you back here asap.”

  “Pip can be super-fast. Like a superhero. It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Pip! The Super-Squeak! Just take this torc off me and watch me fly. The metal slows me down too much.”

  I looked at Gus, torn. “I like the idea, but…let’s get Aunt Tillie’s feedback first.”