A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Sexual Orientation

by Kage Alan

  "Maybe we should get up, and I'll make us some popcorn or..."

  "Why don't you shut up.” It was now or never! I lowered my head and very lightly touched my lips to his. It was his turn to have the bulging-eye look, and he didn't seem in any hurry to return the gesture. Why?

  "Please ... you don't have to do that. You don't owe me anything,” he assured me. “I don't want you doing this for the wrong reasons."

  "Jordan.” I sighed. “I've been thinking about this since I first met you. I was just too stupid to admit and act on it."

  He tried to say something else, but I put a finger on his lips.

  "It's very difficult for me to admit to someone how I feel inside, how I really feel. Remember that whole safe-bet thing? So, please, don't give me a hard time when I tell you that I'm trying to meet you halfway. You've shared so much with me, and I've shared so little. Let me do this not because I feel I have to, but because I want to."

  "Okay."

  "Do you still feel the same way about me, like you did on the night we met?” I could feel his own heart racing, and it made me feel a little better to know I wasn't in this alone. I also felt something else, so I was sure this was one of those safe-bet things I liked so much.

  "Uh...” Jordan suddenly seemed to be having a difficult time concentrating on what I was saying. “You're teasing me, aren't you? I mean, this time you're really teasing ... as a payback for what I said to you in the kitchen, right? If this is some kind of a joke..."

  "I don't really know what I'm supposed to do or what I'm supposed to be thinking about doing.” I sat up and looked down at him. “If the incident in the bathroom at the club tonight is any indication, we could be in real trouble. All I do know, all I feel, is that I want to be with you. I want this. How about you?"

  "Bathroom?"

  I gave him a look that told him it was a story for another time.

  "Well.” The sparkle slowly began to return to his eyes. “I don't think you have to worry about my intentions because, whatever happens, I'm sure you won't be needing this."

  He reached up and helped me out of my T-shirt. The little tease just couldn't resist letting his fingertips slide gently down my chest, making me tremble almost uncontrollably. Nobody had ever given me that sensation before.

  I felt very exposed and very vulnerable. It wasn't like we were at the beach and expected to walk around without a shirt. Guys took their shirts off. It was their function in life, especially when at the beach. They didn't touch each other the way he was touching me, but I'm sure they noticed each other in some way. Now...

  Now I was being noticed not as just some guy without his shirt, but as some guy who someone was physically attracted to without his shirt. It made me feel uncomfortable. It made me feel exposed. It made me feel...

  Jordan took his own shirt off.

  "Oh, my God!” I couldn't stop staring at his body. It took some of the pressure off me, and I didn't feel so exposed anymore. Actually, I was starting to like this whole naked chest thing.

  "Get down here.” He laughed lightly and pulled me down on top of him, chest to chest, and kissed me.

  I'd never really kissed anybody before. Well, at least, not like this. It was a strange sensation, but ... wow! Hot!

  We started off with just the light brushing of the lips and maybe an occasional lingering moment before separating. Then I became a little more daring, and he met my curiosity with his own kind of satisfaction. Before long, it was like taking a drink of the best elixir known to man, in long, deep gulps. Sure, it sounds corny, but I didn't know any other way to describe it. It's not like I had other experiences to compare it to, so it was perfect, even in its corniness. My only fear was that, since my heart was still beating several thousands of miles a minute and I was sweating, I would start drooling and some of it would accidentally slide down into his mouth.

  "Wow.” Jordan used his hands to guide me off him, and we stood up. He took my hand and led me down the hall. So, this is how it happened. There didn't have to be any fancy lines, no bullshit about what state or city I lived in, what school I went to, what income bracket I fell into or what my occupation was. This really could take place between two people who liked the look of each other, enjoyed some intellectual stimulation and were of the same sex. Color me happy!

  We didn't quite end up in the bedroom, though. He instead steered us into the bathroom and turned on the light.

  "Here?” What was the fascination gay men had with bathrooms anyway?

  "After dancing and sweating for most of the night, we could both use a shower."

  He had a point, yet I thought sweating was a part of something we were going to be doing anyway. Still, cleanliness was a good idea.

  He turned on the water and, when it was finally warm, turned the faucet to shower.

  "Ready?” When I didn't move, he reached over and started to undo the button of my shorts.

  "Uh...” I had to think of something quick. “I'm sort of ... you know ... up at the moment.” As if he couldn't tell.

  "That's okay. So am I."

  He finished undoing my button, pulled the zipper down and then the shorts altogether. I must have looked like a complete idiot standing there in my underwear with an erection the size of...

  Well, I never bothered to measure it, but it was damn noticeable even if I do say so myself. It was even more so when he gently pulled my underwear down and let them fall to the floor on top of the shorts.

  If I'd ever felt naked before, I definitely was the epitome of it now. All I could do was stand there and remember to breathe so I didn't have a heart attack. That is, until he reached up and guided my hands to the button on his shorts.

  I worked carefully and quickly on them. and they were soon down on the floor with my own. All I had to do now was remove his underwear.

  They slid to the ground.

  "Oh, my God.” Diane's suspicions about his “package” were dead on!

  "Do you smell aloe?” he asked, sniffing.

  "Yeah, I used it earlier on my...” No. I really didn't want to divulge that. It was one thing to admit one's sexuality, but quite another to mention what one did with one's privates. “Hold that thought."

  We stepped into the shower and took turns rinsing off. I knew he was watching me, but when I turned around to wipe the water from my eyes, I saw that he was kneeling down in front of me. An image came readily to mind, and I started to panic.

  "What are you doing?” I asked a little too quickly.

  "Don't get excited.” He couldn't help but chuckle at what I must be thinking was going on. “The soap slipped out of my hand, and I was picking it up."

  "Sorry.” I felt really stupid.

  "Don't be."

  He took the bar of soap and started running it along my chest and down my arms. I hadn't had someone bathe me since I was in diapers, and I hadn't expected to have someone do it again until I was in diapers once more.

  It was soon my turn to soap him up. Jordan was excited, that was quite obvious, but he gave off an air of calm that helped me get through the more interesting parts of our cleansing. There were a couple of close calls, and considering how our bodies reacted to each other, it was a good thing he had never been in one of my gym classes at school or been my roommate this past year at college. I'd have been on academic probation for two semesters because I'd never have gone to class.

  We dried off, picked our clothes up and went into the bedroom. I closed and locked the door just to be on the safe side. The last thing I wanted was to have Jenny and Kenny come home unexpectedly and decide to check up on us. Knowing them, though, they'd probably congratulate us both.

  Jordan hadn't turned on the light, and I assumed we were going to keep it off, but I was having a difficult time seeing where I was going.

  "Are you okay?” Jordan asked from across the room.

  "Yeah, just keep talking.” I laughed nervously. “I know my suitcase is somewhere around here and...” Smack! “Shit. Found it.
Are you on the top or bottom bunk?"

  "Bottom. Just be sure to watch your...” Thud! “...head."

  "Owwwww,” I moaned, “that's going to leave a mark."

  "I seem to keep asking this,” he sat up and wrapped his arms around my waist, “but are you okay?"

  "I'm fine. You'd think I was masochistic the way I beat myself up sometimes."

  I took his hands, and he guided me down onto the bed next to him.

  "I know I told you this earlier, but I feel like I should tell you again. I really don't know what I'm doing. I don't want you to think I'm not interested because I am, but...” My voice trailed off. This was one of those times when I was talking too much.

  "Would you mind if I went ahead and took the lead, then?"

  "I was kind of hoping you would.” I felt as if some of the pressure was off me now. At least he understood.

  "Anything that you don't feel comfortable with, just say something. We'll take it slow."

  "Jordan?"

  "Yeah."

  "Would you please just shut up?"

  He laughed a bit as he leaned over and kissed my neck, producing an entirely new sensation. He stopped a moment later, and I heard him opening one of the drawers on the dresser next to the bed. It sounded like he brought something out, but I couldn't see what it was.

  "What's that?"

  "A few things...” He closed the drawer. “...we'll need a little later. How do you feel?"

  "Like a flag at full mast."

  "That's about right.” He made good on his word and took the initiative. Tenderly, he wrapped me in his arms and pulled me over on top of him. “And now?"

  "If you keep up generating all these sensations I'm feeling, you're going to find out a whole lot sooner than I think we'd both like."

  "In that case...” I heard him reach over to where he'd placed whatever he'd taken out of the dresser. “...we'd better use some of this and one of these.” A few moments passed. “There. How does that feel?"

  "Oh, my God!"

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  9

  I couldn't remember dreaming anything much that night. What could I possibly dream about when everything my dreams had been pointing to had come true? We held each other the entire night, even rolling over at the same time when one of us needed to change position. Sometimes Jordan was wrapped up in my arms and sometimes I was in his.

  When I finally opened my eyes the next morning, I found myself in his arms. It was the best way I think I've ever woken up in my life. His chin rested on my shoulder, and I could feel his breath on my bare skin. I, on the other hand, was resting my face on his chest and feeling the gentle rise and fall. Despite the raging it created in my hormones, I couldn't remember a more peaceful and contented moment.

  "Are you awake?” he whispered.

  "Me and my anatomy.” Just the sound of his voice was enough to do that now. “I have to ask you something."

  "Yes, it was as good for me. Also, yes, I did peek at your ass in the shower and it exceeds its reputation."

  "That wasn't what I was going to ask, but thanks for sharing.” I didn't want this to be a typical “morning after” like was so often seen in the movies or read in cheap novels. “I used to try and tell myself that sex was supposed to be free, given out on a plate and gorged, only I never could find out for myself no matter how hard I tried. A deeper part of me wanted to hold on to tradition, though, and save that experience for someone I fell in love with and who was in love with me."

  "Andy,” Jordan soothed.

  "I know we're not in love with each other. I haven't been here very long and I'm leaving tomorrow.” I fought back a lump in my throat. “But I want you to know, if I was going to be here, going to school or spending the entire summer...” My voice started to waver. “I think I would fall in love with you."

  He pulled me closer to him.

  "I knew last night that I was going to have to leave, but I didn't care,” I went on. “Does that make what we did wrong? Does it make me a bad person for wanting you anyway?"

  "No, it doesn't.” Jordan turned me over to face him. “It takes two willing people to do what we did last night. If there's any guilt to be handed out, it would have to be to me for starting this at the anniversary party. I may have made you face something you weren't ready to yet, and I don't know what the consequences will be for you.” He put his hand on my chest. “And if you were going to be here for a while, I think I'd fall in love with you, too."

  "Really?"

  "Really.” He leaned down to kiss me, but I stopped him. “What? You don't believe me?"

  "No.” I turned away. “You just have really bad morning breath.” I couldn't keep a straight face.

  "Oh, really?” Jordan attempted to look indignant. “Well, yours isn't exactly roses, either.” He tried to push me off the bed, but I held on.

  "They made you leave, didn't they?"

  He stopped his playful assault, and I think I saw tears start to form in his eyes.

  "For whatever reason, your parents wouldn't kick you out, so they made things bad enough to make you want to leave on your own, right?"

  Based on what little he'd told me, it was the only thing that made sense.

  "Is it really that important for you to know?"

  It was. I'm nosy. It runs in the family.

  "No son of my parents was born a ‘cocksucking faggot.’ In their eyes, it's a choice, and since I made the choice to be that way, I could just as easily make the choice not to be.” Jordan was fighting his emotions, but tears started to stream down his face. “I became a thing to them, an example of how not to let your children grow up, and finally, an endless source of shame. There was no way I could give them what they wanted in a son, so I left and stopped them from having to worry about me at all.

  "Aunt Jenny let them know when I moved here, but they've never called or asked about me and I've never called them, either. The only one I've had any contact with is my sister, and she told me they don't even acknowledge anymore that they've got a son. They took down all my pictures, threw out all of my belongings and won't discuss me under any circumstance. I've never gone back, and I never will."

  The tears flowed freely now, and he collapsed in my arms.

  "It's all right.” I soothed him and ran my hands through his hair. “It sounds like we're both going to be in therapy for a long time."

  Jordan managed a weak laugh. If he only knew what I was scheming. The conversation had grown too serious, and it was now my turn to build a false sense of security then drop some smartass com-ment when he was least expecting it. After his “you want me, don't you” comment last night, it was the least I could do.

  "It's a shame your parents will never know how much they're missing out on. Hell, my life was perfectly fine until you practically stuck your tongue down my throat several nights ago."

  He froze.

  "I mean, you're a real bundle of fucking joy to be around."

  He looked at me, eyes narrowing and aware of exactly what I was doing.

  "Sexual innuendoes, public embarrassment, sand up the crack of my ass, watching you hump somebody's leg as you danced at a gay club, nearly getting me accosted by an old boyfriend and then, last night, putting my..."

  "You're going down!” Jordan wrapped his arms around my body and pulled me over the side of the bed with him. I was laughing too hard to put up much of a fight.

  "I didn't get to finish telling you about last night.” I mimicked pouting.

  "Maybe I don't want to be reminded.” He rolled over on top of me.

  "Maybe I already forgot because it wasn't that memorable.” I tried to keep a straight face, but ended up laughing at my own joke. “Okay, so I'm lying. It was very memorable. And ... hey!” My comments were stirring more than his memory. “When did that wake up?” I teased.

  "I think about the same time you mentioned humping somebody's leg."

  "Will you bark like a dog for me?” I teased. “God knows you
salivate like one."

  "Really?” Jordan feigned being hurt. “You're so cruel. In fact, you're so cruel I think it's time I gave you some obedience training!"

  I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. If last night was any indication of what I was in for this morning, then I doubted he could call it obedience training, not when the pupil was this willing to please.

  * * * *

  The rest of the day flew by. Jenny and Kenny came home before long—or what seemed to me before long—and started talking about where to go out for dinner. Diane dropped the kids off shortly after that, and it was decided we would all go out somewhere special to celebrate my last night.

  I think they suspected something had happened because there were several remarks made about how I must have gotten some sun at the beach to be glowing like I was. Even Diane made mention of how I was smiling a whole lot more than she remembered me doing before.

  She also mentioned I was walking funny, like I'd been out riding a horse. If she only knew. Oh, hell! They probably all knew damn well what had happened, only they were just being nice about it.

  Jenny even gave me a compliment on how well I'd made my bed when she went to change the sheets. Of course, she knew the damn thing hadn't been slept in, but it was all their way of telling us it was fine by them and our business.

  Grandma called later that afternoon to make arrangements for her and Aunt Virginia to pick me up in the morning on the way to the airport. Uncle Chester wouldn't be joining us, though. He'd apparently always had a severe case of arachnophobia and had reached under his pillow two nights ago to discover he had squashed one of the largest spiders he'd ever laid eyes on. His doctors said the tranquilizers they had him on were doing their job and that he could come home in another day.

  I wasn't particularly thrilled about leaving, but I knew I couldn't stay. There was a life waiting for me back in Michigan, a life I would have to work on gradually to change into the person I now knew myself to be. I had my work cut out for me.

  Jordan wasn't happy about me leaving so soon, either, but he put on a damn good show of strength. It was such an unusual occurrence to see someone go through so much effort for me. He even managed to arrange one final walk at the beach to see the stars that night, and just when I thought the last of the surprises had come to an end, he produced two tiny bottles of champagne and we toasted our final evening together. I didn't know where this fondness and affection for me came from, or if I even deserved it, but I was bound and determined to live in the moment and enjoy it.