Lyfe Changing

by Desirae Williams

  I couldn’t help but smile at this little joker with his tool belt weighing down his pants. “When we going to eat…after all this hard work I’m hungry.” We all laughed at Lil Luther’s bluntness. I just shook my head and smiled.

  “Well so much for surprises…some of the church ladies are in the kitchen whipping you boys up something…go check it out.” “Yeah!” They cheered, and one after another they raced each other right into the dining area. “Hey leave some for me you little knuckle heads.” Pastor joked as he came outside towards me to check out our work. “Well look here…” He said grinning. “You boys are amazing…there was no way I thought you guys would be this far ahead so fast.” I swiped my hair back which was drenched with sweat and came closer to Pastor to get a better look. “Yeah we got some very skilled workers.” Pastor Wallace nodded and glanced in my direction. “Derrick I must say I’m really proud of you…you have been steering clear from any trouble for some time now and I think you’re doing pretty well.” I was a little thrown off by Pastor’s admiration, given the multiple slip ups I had been having but I just nodded and took it. “Thanks Pastor, I appreciate it.” He nodded with worried eyes. “I just wish you didn’t look so troubled now and then.” I looked at Pastor looking at me like he already knew what I was thinking and sighed. “Pastor I’m fine…I swear.”

  I said while digging in the cooler for a bottled water. “Now don’t go lying on church ground…” He swatted my back. “You might as well tell me what’s bothering you…is it about them fools that came over and tried to attack you the other day…because if it is I know some people round the way who wouldn’t mind…” I chuckled cutting him off and just shook my head. “No no…its cool.” “Then what is it?” He asked confused. Not wanting to go there I looked away from him trying to keep the remaining fragments of my sanity intact. “Derrick…” Pastor called for my attention. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.” I hung my head down feeling the overwhelming guilt and anxiety over take me. The hardest part about struggling with life was admitting to yourself that you’re struggling with life. I turned my gaze to the fading sunset coming down over our heads. “Pastor…given the situation that happened earlier with those clowns I think I might have to fall back from you guys for a while. I can’t guarantee those guys won’t come back and hurt the boys or you. I’m just going to have to handle this on my own. ”

  Pastor hung is head down feeling my defeated spirit. “Derrick…you don’t have to be who you used to be. You don’t have to be a product of what the streets have made you but if you choose to…then you’re going to get what they have to offer you. Do you want that?” He asked. I chuckled at him not understanding whether he was too naïve or had too much faith. “There are no choices in this life…dudes like me and all those boys in there we get what were dealt and make it work for us. We come out born into the jungle and somewhere along the lines our survival mode kicks in and its everyman for himself.”

  I continued to gaze out into the sky. I didn’t know why I just kept looking away…away from my life, my struggles and my difficulties into a place where they couldn’t touch me…where they didn’t exist and wondered would I ever make it to that place. “Derrick I’m sorry to tell you but you can’t fight this fight by yourself…” Pastor sighed. “Some of the trials and tribulations in life weigh heavy on our hearts but that’s when God comes in and he fights the battle for us…but you got to let come in. You have to talk to him. If you do that I promise you will see a change.”

  I chuckled at him wanting to borrow his perfect world glasses because I wasn’t seeing it. “God aint trying to hear me Pastor…hell my own grandmother is getting tired of me.” “Derrick, there was a time where I wasn’t the person you see before you, that was until I took charge of my life and decided to let God fight my battles and make away…now if he’ll do it for me, don’t tell me he can’t do it for you.” Pastor stood up and placed his hands on my shoulders. “He hears you…he hears you and he loves…all you have to do is call on him and trust that he’ll answer…” I looked into this old man’s eyes, they were weary and tired but one thing stood out from all the rest, they wear full of faith. I sighed and nodded. “I hear you...” He patted my shoulders and smiled.

  “Good…now I suggest you go get a cold spoon.” I looked at him confused. “What? I don’t understand…”

  “Well Derrick cold spoons come in handy, whenever you need to eat something… or when you need to remove hickeys that all over your neck.”

  I froze in embarrassment and avoided all eye contact. “Ummm…what are you talking about?” I said nonchalantly. Pastor just shook his head. “Maybe you need to invest in turtle necks…” He said laughing and walking back into the church. I quickly ran to the nearest window pane and saw numerous hickeys around my neck and chest. Dang, I thought… I can’t hide nothing anymore.

  Destiny

  Derrick and I sat on the couch in his mother’s living room, the day for us had been going a little more difficult than normal due to Derricks distant thoughts. He continued to lean back against the couch and let his mind get lost in space while I tried to occupy my time with the television. As I flipped through the channels I continued to grow more and more annoyed by Derrick’s withdrawal from reality. I didn’t understand why he was in such a bad mood, things had been going great between us and now he was acting like this. I turned the TV off abruptly and just looked at him; he acted as if he didn’t even notice my actions. “Derrick…Derrick!” I yelled. He finally turned his attention to me looking as if I was bothering him or something. I was extremely pissed now, knowing I didn’t do anything to deserve this cold treatment. “If you were going to ignore me…I would have been better off home.” He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Well if you are ready to head out nobody’s stopping you…” I scoffed. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me like this; I fought the urge to smack him upside the head. I turned and looked at him trying to find an answer to his behavior. “Derrick what is wrong with you…why are you acting like this?”

  He tilted his head back and closed his eyes as if he were trying to tune me out from speaking any further. I just sighed not knowing what else to say to him.

  “Did those guys from the church come back…are you scared…because we can go to the police and…”

  “You must be crazy…I have never been scared of no muthafucka in my life.”

  He shot up from the couch and walked away from me. I didn’t mean to offend him, I was trying to get some answers concerning his sour mood but he was making it increasingly difficult. In attempt to still appease the situation I followed him into the kitchen. He was leaning over the counter rubbing his forehead as if he were frustrated. I stood by the doorway and watched him.

  “Derrick I’m sorry….I just want to help you.”

  “I don’t need your help…I need you to leave me alone…damn.” He roared. His voice startled me and I felt uneasy not wanting to endure this cold treatment anymore. “Derrick something is wrong with you just talk to me.” He scoffed while looking at me cruelly. “Talk to you…talk to you for what?” I chuckled in confusion. “I don’t know maybe because that’s what you do in a relationship you talk…” “Whoa…whoa …relationship?” He said in shock. “Who in the hell said we are in a relationship? Did I say that? ” Now I was the one in shock, my face grew cold and my body was shaking from the whole situation. “What are you saying?” I began to question him.

  “We’re not in a relationship? You don’t care about me? What have we been doing together all this time?”

  “Fucking!...That’s it…This is a clear cut you get what you need and I get what need situation…this aint no damn relationship. If you’re all in love or whatever that’s your probably not mine.”

  I couldn’t stop the tears from stinging my eyes as his verbal attacks wounded me. I was completely shaking and my voice was dried out causing me not to talk. I didn’t want to be here anymore…I didn’t want to be around him anymore. I quickl
y took my keys and purse and ran out the door. I could have sworn it was raining the way my tears were falling from my face drenching my shirt as I hoped into my car. I pulled off not looking back at that house at all. I was crying so hard my chest was hurting…I was hurting so bad I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, I just couldn’t…

  I sat in the parking lot of my building face completely stained with tears. I felt like the biggest weight was on my chest and it wouldn’t move. Why is he doing this to me? I thought. Why is he treating me like this? I wiped more tears away from my face. I cared about Derrick, I wanted Derrick more than anything in the world, but all this time all I was to him was just some chick he was sleeping with. I never felt so worthless in my life, I felt like trash, used goods and it made me sick. I instantly became angry that Derrick had done this to me; I swore to myself that I was not going to have anything to do with this man ever again. I put on a brave face and made my way into my building up the elevator.

  I don’t need him, I thought. He was lucky to have me. He didn’t even deserve all the things I had done for him. My mind flashed back to the nights I made love to Derrick. I never held back with him, I did any and everything he asked with no hesitation. Although making love to him had been incredible I now regretted giving myself to him so freely. I could still feel his arms wrapped around me tightly as we laid together…that’s when I felt it. I felt another tear fall down my cheek as I walked out of the elevator. I came into my condo which was left cold and drafty no longer having the same sparkle it once had.

  There were so many memories that Derrick and I shared in this place, the thought of him was bringing back the ache in my chest. This pain was hurting me something bad and I didn’t know how to make it subside. So I did the typical girl thing to do when a man has broken your heart. I ran a hot bath, played some Mary J. Blige, and set Waiting to Exhale to play in my dvd player. I figured if I couldn’t torch all of Derrick’s shit in flames I could at least watch another woman do it to her trifling man. I settled in the bath while watching the film in my soak tub. The steamy water soothed the aches of my body but not my soul. Damn bastard, I sighed in the tub.

  I should have known better huh. I just shook my head as Mary J began to go there with me. I grew heavenly annoyed as a knock on the door interrupted my sulking. I continued to ignore it hoping my pestering guest would go away but to no avail. I reluctantly drew myself from my bath, grabbed my robe and answered the door. If that wasn’t a big mistake I didn’t know what was. Derrick stood there in my doorway arms barely able to fit through the frames with a sad puppy dog look on his face. After my shock wore off all I could do was chuckle. “I’m sorry but I didn’t order any bullshit today but try next door.” I attempted to slam the door in Derrick’s face but his foot blocked me. “Destiny I’m sorry…” “Sorry…” I scoffed. “Derrick you are always sorry but unfortunately I don’t have the energy to deal with your sorry ass so if you please…”

  I attempted to shut the door on him again but he easily pushed me aside and made his way in. I stood there and scowled at him having the audacity to be in my condo without my permission. Derrick looked me in my eyes and continued to plead with me. “Baby I don’t know why I snapped at you like that…I didn’t know what that was about.” “You got a lot of damn nerve you know that?” I stared at him coldly. “How dare you talk to me like that after everything…” I had to stop myself before I really lost control. Derrick had no idea how furious he had made me; I wanted to seriously hurt him. “You know what…this is my fault. Oh yeah, this is my fault.” I nodded. “I never should have trusted a deadbeat ass hoodlum...” Derrick’s eyes grew from pleading to nearly sinister. “So where back at that shit again?”

  I chuckled sarcastically. “We never left…” I saw the hurt look in his eyes for a moment then it quickly faded away, but I didn’t care. That little bit of pain was nothing in comparison to what he had done to me. “Derrick I can’t do this anymore. I’m serious this time, I’m done. I can’t deal with this anymore, so I suggest you go find another punching bag.” Derrick reached up to me and grabbed my arms causing me to face him. “Destiny I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

  “But you did…you just did. I don’t deserve this shit, I really don’t. You are a psychotic roller coaster ride and sorry but I’m getting off.” Derrick quickly silenced me as his lips pressed against mine bringing back the much desired and overwhelming sensation that always happened when are lips came together. I couldn’t fight the feeling of enjoying his mouth on top of mine, it had only been a few hours since but I missed it so much. I finally regained my senses and pulled away from him. “Derrick no…” I said backing away from him. I put my finger to my lips and held it there; they were still throbbing from the intense kiss I had just felt. Why does he do this to me? I thought. How can this man make me want to put him in a wood chipper one minute and throw him on the floor and make love to him the next? I stared at his dark eyes that matched so well with his handsome face. Derrick took a seat on the nearby couch and just watched me, anticipating my next move. I turned to face him trying to find some answers in his eyes. “Derrick…what do you want from me?”

  I asked him really wanting to know why he had such a strong hold on me. Derrick’s eyes grew softer his gaze fell to my uncovered skin. “Come here...” Reluctantly I slowly did as I was told and stood right in front of him as he asked. Derrick put his large hands around my waist and rested his head on my stomach. “Destiny I’m sorry…I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I love you.” I pulled away from him in anger. “Now don’t go saying some bullshit like that just to butter me up.” “I’m not…” He spoke sincerely. “I mean it. I love you.” I placed my hands on my hips and eyed him suspiciously. “Oh yeah…and when did you come to that conclusion.” “I have been realized this…” Derrick pulled me closer to him. “I’m just now man enough to say it to you…Destiny I love you.” I placed my hands on his head and stroked his long dark hair. Call me a fool but I couldn’t tear myself away from him…I didn’t want to.

  “You love me?” I asked.

  “I do.” He smiled.

  We stayed together in each other’s embrace for a while until Derrick perked his head up. I funny smile came across his face. “What is that?” He asked. I looked at him puzzled. “What’s what?” His eyes came to mine and his smile grew wider. “Is that Mary J bilge I hear coming from you room?” An embarrassing look spread across my face. Everybody knows that when a woman’s playing Mary J, she crying over a man. “No...” I tried to lie. Derrick burst into laughter. Crouching over the couch holding is stomach. “Damn…really?” He barely managed to get out. I scowled at him again not pleased with his humor. “So what if it is?” Derrick managed to sit back up still smiling. “I didn’t think I hurt you that bad.” I rolled my eyes and got nervous when I saw Derricks ears perk up again.

  “Wait…are you playing Waiting to exhale too…damn.” He slithered back on the couch rolling in laughter again. Tired of this mockery I walked away from him. “Oh get out…” I yelled. “I’m sorry…ok baby I’m sorry…” he said getting up from the couch and walking over to me. “It’s alright babe…hey…how about we watch it together.”

  I looked at him in disbelief. “No…really?” He nodded, “I want to share this man hatting moment with you.” I couldn’t stop the chuckle that escaped my lips. I looked back at him and smiled. “Ok…but if we are going to do this we are going to do this right…were watching What’s love got to do with it? too…get the ice cream out the fridge.” Derrick laughed making his way the refrigerator. “Alright…game is face on… let’s do this.”

  19

  Going to War

  Julio

  I couldn’t deny I enjoyed watching her as she undressed in front of me from a distance. She moved slowly, taking her time removing each item of clothing, revealing her beautiful naked body. Her long dark hair fell past her shoulders covering the middle of her back. She was a beauty beyond comparison; I had never seen a woman so el
egantly fit while still retaining her sexy feminine curves.

  I puffed on a cigar while I continued to watch her unknowing performance from her bathroom window. I had a team watching Destiny Witt for the past few weeks now, ever since they found out where that rat bastard Derrick had been spending is time when he wasn’t at that church. Stupid muthafucka…did he really think I was going to let him get away with robbing me. I had just been bidding my time while planning his execution just right. A lot of suffering and pain was going to be taking place in Derrick’s life soon and unfortunately for Ms. Witt’s sake she had to be a part of it. I didn’t know what was stimulating me more getting ready to end Derrick’s life or watching his woman put on a strip show in front of me.

  I figured he had been getting it in with some bitch but I would have never had guessed it would have been with a woman like her. Ms. Witt was a very respectable woman who owned an art gallery downtown and only dealt with upscale clientele. Why the hell she was rolling around in the sack with a hoodlum like Derrick I couldn’t even imagine. I felt my pants stiffen as I watched Destiny remove her bra and panties exposing her most intimate parts and they were worth the wait. She stepped into her tub filled with bubbles and leaned back and relaxed as a very satisfying look spread across her lovely face.

  My eyes focused in on her at that moment, I imagined placing my hand in the water between her legs and continuing to keep that satisfying look on her face. I quickly calmed myself down not wanting to get too worked up. I looked down at the bulge in my pants and smiled. All in due time my friend…all in due time. I turned around and leaned over my white Rolls Royce attempting to catch a calming breath. “Ready when you are Julio…” I heard one of my workers speak up. I nodded and turned to look at them. “Don’t make a mess…” They all smiled as they made their way up to Destiny’s condo. I continue to watch her soak in the bath tub not even knowing what was about to happen to her…that was even more exciting than anything.