by Karen Baker
DAKOTA
A Novel by KAREN E. BAKER
Kindle Edition
Published by:
Shadoe Publishing for
Karen E. Baker on Kindle
Copyright © Karen E. Baker May 2015
DAKOTA
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PUBLISHER’S NOTE
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.
DEDICATION
To the love of my life, Nancy, for being my rock, my biggest fan, my sounding board, and my number one reader, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Mom, thank you for always telling me to follow my dreams and believing that I could do anything I set my mind to.
Dad, thank you for the extra hand holding when called upon. You’ve gone beyond what this child expected.
To my Sister and Brothers, thank you for treating me like an adult, finally, when I returned home from war.
To my own personal ‘Janie’, Kate, thank you for seeing me through my darkest times.
To my beta readers, Marie, Shannon, and Geoff, thank you for your valuable input.
K’Anne, for taking a chance on me, thank you.
And finally, to my fellow veterans, thank you for your encouragement and support during this process. Remember, we can survive and flourish if we seek treatment when needed.
CHAPTER ONE
The voices were taunting her unmercifully tonight. She screamed as loud as she could, “Stop, dammit!”
‘Never! You’ll never be rid of us. Kill yourself now and get it over with. There is no one who will love you. Hell, you don’t even love you. Get it over with already.’
Dakota was familiar with the voices. They had been with her for six years now. She lay back in bed and remembered back to that hot July night, trying to get her mind on something more pleasant.
She reached for her chilled bottle of water. The day’s temps had reached a record high of 103 sweltering degrees and the night offered little relief. Sweat dripped from Dakota’s short, salt and pepper hair as she took a welcoming drink of the cool liquid. Droplets of water escaped from her lips and ran down the contour of her neck, to her pounding jugular vein, where a set of soft lips caught the drops and sucked them intently. Tongues melded together, becoming raw with intensity. Dakota spilled the cold water on Kelly’s throbbing mound and she screamed out in joy from the refreshing splash. Kelly was hot, the sexiest in the bar that night. Dakota had chosen her, and Kelly exceeded her expectations, with sex every way she wanted, but Dakota was completely unsatisfied. One-night stands always left a void.
Dakota stretched out on her king size bed, alone. Tonight was just another lonely night that followed many that had come before.
* * * * *
They usually met once a week. This had been going on for over five years, but the past few months, Janie Parker had become a fixture in Dakota’s life. They sometimes met twice a week when the voices were out of control. They talked by phone almost every day. Therapist and dear friend is what Janie had become to Dakota.
Their meetings took place in Janie’s office, located on the second floor at the Portland Veterans’ Affairs Medical Center. Her small, cramped office held three chairs, just enough to get comfortable without being overwhelmed with choices. Photos of Janie’s favorite places in Oregon adorned the walls, places like Silver Falls, Mt. Hood, Bend, and Baker City. A filing cabinet covered in magnets, given to her by her veterans, sat in one corner of the office. Paperwork was stacked neatly on the desk. Like her life, Janie’s office was orderly, but comfortable.
Janie worried that Dakota was sliding back into her old patterns of either hoarding her medication for an attempt at suicide, or stopping her medications altogether. Recently, Janie had increased their meetings to twice a week. Janie had warned Dakota that she might slip from time to time, ending up back in the hospital, but she worried that Dakota might not recover as quickly if she went backwards this time. “You’re withdrawing again. Are you getting out, going to the meetings like we talked about?” Janie questioned Dakota.
Dakota felt her pulse quicken. “No, the meetings make me uncomfortable. I don’t like being around all those people. I’m too nervous and too shy to meet new people. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of unknowns.”
“Tell me more about these feelings.”
Not knowing what to do with her hands, Dakota sat on them. “Really, it’s the people that make me uncomfortable. Always complaining. Nothing ever changes in their lives. Some things are better left unsaid. I don’t need to know all their shit. I have shit of my own to deal with.”
“Understandable, but voicing their pain is how some people grow. You have got to get out of that apartment and start interacting with others. It’s the only way you’re going to get better.” Janie and Dakota had been around and around on this discussion, to no avail. “You’re not attending the meetings here at the VA either. You need to go to one of them. Pick which one would be easier and try it again.” Janie was always pushing her beyond her comfort zone.
Dakota didn’t hide her mental illness from anyone, but no one wanted to stay for long once they finally figured how warped her mind really was. No one wanted to take a chance with her, thus the increase in the one-night stands on her part. But they too were becoming fewer and further between. She just didn’t have the emotional fortitude to deal with what the one-night stands had to offer. She’d decided that being alone was as good as things were ever going to be in her life.
She was not satisfied with her life, but she didn’t have to explain to anyone about the voices she heard and what they were saying. To anyone, that is, but Janie. Janie had come to know the wild voices that hounded Dakota. That was Janie’s job, but there was more to their relationship than just professional ties.
Dakota had served in the Marine Corps and had completed almost three full tours in Iraq. The third tour included a vicious rocket-propelled grenade attack on her base, where she’d held a fellow Marine in her arms as his life poured out of him. In doing so, she had not even noticed the blood she was losing from her own wounds. This was just one of the many painful scenes that would haunt her about her time in Iraq. She had written Shelby’s - Shell as everyone affectionately called him - family a letter stating that she had been with him when he died. She shared that his last thoughts were of his family, especially his Mom. Dakota had wanted to express her deepest condolences to his family an
d let them know that there would always be a piece of Shell with her, driving her on to do her very best. She received a return letter from the family, grateful that she was with Shell when he passed. They let her know that she would always be welcome and they would be pleased if she would consider being a part of their family now. This kind gesture touched her heart. She wanted to meet Shell’s parents, wanted to accept their request to be part of their family since her parents had turned her away after finding out she was a lesbian. Mainly, she wanted to tell Shell’s parents the story of exactly how and when he died. That was the least she could give them, his story, for the closure. That’s what every family wanted and needed.
When the day finally came to meet Shell’s parents, Dakota was already presenting symptoms of a serious depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, better known as PTSD. Knowing his parents would probably have lots of questions, Dakota was too overwhelmed to face them right then. She never made it to the visit. She’d reached their front door, then turned and run from the house. She threw up in the flower garden. Getting to know each other would have to be put off until another day.
After that episode, Valerie Anderson, her best friend since grade school, took her to the Portland Veterans’ Affairs Hospital Emergency Department. Dakota was eventually admitted to the psychiatric ward for further observation and placed on involuntary hold for fourteen days. Two weeks later, Dakota walked out, drug-hazed, and no better. They’d given her a diagnosis, filled her with medications, and told her to go and meet with her new outpatient therapist, Janie Parker.
Dakota studied the new name. It was somehow familiar, but she just couldn’t place it. It wasn’t until she entered Janie’s office and began talking that she put two and two together. How in God’s name had this happened? Janie was Shelby’s mother. Dakota was stunned into silence. Could they continue as patient and therapist? They talked about finding Dakota a new therapist, but by then the shock was wearing off and Dakota was feeling comfortable with Janie. The real question was what Janie wanted to do. After talking further, Janie knew that Dakota really needed her help. Right then, she decided that she would not give up on Dakota. She knew Dakota needed stability in her life and Janie would be that person she could count on. Janie thought, on the plus side, that when Dakota was ready to discuss what had happened in Iraq, then she too would be getting the closure that she needed first-hand. “Dakota, I truly believe I can help your through you illness, if you’ll let me in. We can explore what’s provoking these intense emotional feelings. Give me a chance to show you just how good a therapist I am, please.”
From that moment on, Dakota knew that she liked the courage Janie shown by not backing down. “I would be honored if you would be my therapist.” That day, a bond was forged that no one would ever be able to crack. Not only were they patient/therapist, they held several different titles, mother/child and friends, just to name a few. This made Dakota’s job of telling Janie about Shell even harder, but she knew one day she would tell Janie his story, and how Dakota had held her son as he died.
Dakota explained a few of the more recent symptoms she was having with her PTSD. “I’m having trouble sleeping, tossing and turning, and then there are the nightmares. Flashbacks are happening all the time. I’m easily startled and I can’t concentrate. I’ve been drinking way too much. And the anger…it’s explosive, downright dangerous at times. The dumbest things piss me off. And don’t get me started on the road rage. People are so fucking stupid!”
It was the voices that concerned Janie the most. Dakota wasn’t handling them very well at times. Dakota shared with her one day, “The voices torment me, telling me to kill myself, to stop taking my medications. Most of my own thoughts are dark, full of anger, hate, and death. The last thing I need are voices telling me to kill others, kill myself, to hide because the police are coming for me. I can’t take it any more. I saw things no one should ever see. Even now, I’m convinced that the guys shooting at me are standing next to my bed at night. Not a day goes by that the thought of dying doesn’t cross my mind. I’m flooded with memories of all that transpired in Iraq. My greatest fear is not having the strength or the will to continue to fight any more.”
“Again, these are symptoms of your PTSD. With time and medication, they will go away. You are not crazy, and please don’t ever feel embarrassed. These are your horrors and battles, but we will win the war.” Janie wasn’t so sure the voices would ever leave Dakota though.
CHAPTER TWO
“Come on, Dakota, you might like her. Anyway, it will do you good to get out and at least meet someone new, even if you never see her again.” Valerie was trying to convince Dakota.
Dakota knew that Valerie’s intentions were nothing if not sweet. “But she is so very straight. What in the world are we going to talk about?”
Talking as they entered the noisy little bar, Valerie pointed Beth out in the crowd. Just one look at Beth and Dakota wanted to run, but instead she simply stared at Beth. “My God, she’s beautiful!” Standing about five foot seven or so, her blond hair, cropped at the shoulders, shined brightly in the light from the bar. But it was Beth’s eyes that pulled her in. As their eyes met, Beth stared at her with intensity, the gray eyes holding her own hazel ones. They were the most gorgeous eyes Dakota had seen in her life.
Valerie grinned, “What?”
“You didn’t tell me how beautiful she was.”
Valerie chuckled at her friend. “I didn’t want you to run. I know how shy you can be when it comes to meeting new people.”
There was no place to run in the crowded bar. Smoke lingered high in the room, the noise was just below concert level. Chairs were close, bodies were crammed even closer. There was no getting out of meeting Beth now. Why had she agreed to go out, much less meet a straight stranger in a crowded bar? Yet, she was intrigued by the blond haired, gray-eyed woman. Something stirred in her, deep down.
“Just get her talking about her children.”
“Oh, God, Val, children! Of course! And you think I’m out of my mind? Why did I agree to this? Must just be some deep-seated S&M coming out or something. Oh, my friend, you will pay for this big time. I will get you back.” Dakota decided she would stay for half an hour, then make some excuse to escape Beth, those intense eyes, and the crowded bar.
“One day you’ll thank me for this meeting.” Valerie was heading straight towards Beth, hands clasping as they proceeded to hug. Dakota thought to herself, “She even hugs like a straight woman, barely any body contact at all.”
Valerie introduced them, “Beth, meet Dakota. Dakota, this is Beth.”
Beth stuck her hand out. “Very nice to meet you finally. Valerie has told me a little about you.”
Dakota shot Valerie a look that would have killed. She took Beth’s hand. “So very soft,” she thought. “Very nice to meet you too, though I can’t say the same about you.” Valerie chuckled and led them to a newly vacated table where they sat and ordered drinks.
Their conversation was light at first, discussing the weather and recent movies. Valerie left shortly thereafter saying she was meeting someone else at a different bar, giving her friends time alone to get to know one another. So Dakota was left to her own devices to entertain Beth. Dakota was okay with Valerie leaving since she was enthralled with Beth. They ordered more drinks and began talking one on one.
“Val tells me you were in the military?” Beth thought this would be a nice place to start.
Dakota took a large pull from her beer. “Marine Corps, Geographic Intelligence Specialist. I served almost three full tours in Iraq. Nine years of service, then they medically retired me. Serving in the Corps is all I ever wanted; it was to be my career. So when the Corps retired me, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I finished my degree in Political Science and started to work for the city in the Mayor’s office, but it didn’t work out. I’m not an office-type person. These days, I do a lot of reading, stuff like that, but other than that, I don’t do much.” ‘You don
’t do anything because of us! Don’t tell her about us, she won’t like us. No one does but you. You love us. We drive you. You need us.’ Dakota shook her head. She had to focus on Beth.
“Sounds like you had your life planned at a young age.”
“I did, but…well, shit happens.” Dakota desperately wanted to change the subject, to steer the conversation onto this beautiful woman. “Val tells me you’re a history teacher? You two work together?”
“In the same department. I teach American History, she teaches World History. Teaching college students has its challenges. I wouldn’t change it though. I enjoy what I do immensely.”
After talking for a while, Dakota relaxed and started to enjoy herself. Beth was caring. She asked a lot of questions about Dakota. Intelligent questions, on current issues. Beth was enlightened in her views, talkative, but not all about herself, but still straight. Dakota did get Beth to talk about her two children, girls. They were her world. Beth became animated when Dakota asked their names, “Rayne is twenty-three, and Desiree is twenty-five.” Dakota was extremely surprised by their names and it showed on her face.
Beth questioned her, “What, didn’t think those were names a straight woman would give her daughters?”
Dakota had to laugh. Beth saw right through her. “Sorry, I guess I just assumed that you were going to be an uptight straight woman, but I guess you’re not.” The thirty minutes had come and gone. Dakota decided she was enjoying herself too much to break away, but the voices started to act up again. ‘Leave! She could care less about you. She’s only pretending to like you.’ She did her best to tune them out. She concentrated on Beth instead.
Beth leaned into Dakota. “Thanks for the vote of confidence. The names were my idea. My husband hated them.”
Dakota almost choked on her beer. “You’re married?” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How could Val do this to her?
