by Karen Baker
“I was. He died six years ago of a heart attack.”
Dakota was aware that Beth was leaning into her. “Oh, God, I’m sorry. I don’t get out that much. My manners escape me sometimes.” Dakota’s heart beat a little faster as Beth leaned into her even more. Was she coming onto her, she wondered?
Beth looked at Dakota with deep sadness in her eyes. “I thought that was a line reserved for widows. Why don’t you get out much?”
Did Dakota dare share her secrets with this woman? Why not, she didn’t have anything to lose. ‘Don’t even think about it! We’re not leaving. Run! Incoming! Take cover! Help!’ “I hate crowds, people, just interacting with others. Depression is an ugly beast to deal with alone, much less with people.”
“I know what you mean. After Will died, I went through a nasty period of depression. Glad to finally be on the other side of it. So, how are you feeling tonight? I mean you’re here and talking with a total stranger.” Beth was dealing with Dakota’s illness, not running away like most women did when the subject arose. This impressed Dakota.
“I think Valerie wanted me to meet someone to talk to. By the way, you are very easy to talk to.” Dakota slid her arm around Beth’s waist, just to make sure she was close enough to hear her over the music.
“So are you, Dakota. Where in the world did your parents come up with the name Dakota?”
She thought about her standard jovial response, then decided it was best to tell Beth the truth. “They were both from North Dakota. I guess they just wanted something to remind them of home after they moved to the northwest. But when I came out to them, they basically disowned me. They didn’t like having a lesbian for a daughter.”
Beth chuckled, “I know how it feels, Rayne is a lesbian. Doesn’t bother me a bit, but it did bother Will when she came out to us. It took a while, but she finally convinced him she was still his little girl and always would be.”
“How did we get on this subject?” Dakota sighed deeply.
“Let’s change it then. How about girlfriends of yours? Is that a better subject?”
Dakota chuckled. “Not really. Lately, there’s been no one special. No one really wants to stick around when they find out that I’m ill. Not only do I suffer from depression, I hear voices, things that aren’t really there. I don’t have visual hallucinations, just auditory. I suffer with major depression and PTSD with schizophrenic tendencies. Most women can’t deal with stuff like that. I guess I’m a handful.” Why was she standing here with her arm around a very straight woman telling her all her secrets? ‘You’re stupid! Now she is going to leave! How could you tell her about us! We’re your little secret.’ “Stop!” Dakota said, under her breath.
Beth touched her arm. “Dakota, are you okay?”
“Yeah, sorry about that, just the voices.” Her arm burned from Beth’s touch.
“No problem. Well, as I was saying, I’m not finding you hard to deal with. I actually think you are pretty easy to be with.”
“Easy? Really?” Dakota scoffed. “You are getting the best part of me right now. Actually, I thought you were going to be hard for me to handle. Yet, here I am, dealing with a straight woman with two grown children.”
They both laughed. Dakota decided right then that she was in fact infatuated with the beautiful woman with the soft, velvety laugh, and piercing gray eyes.
“Last round before closing!” rang out from behind the bar.
Beth gasped as she looked at her watch. “Oh, my God, it’s nearly two a.m.! We’ve been talking for hours. See, even if you don’t think it, you really are a great listener.” Beth couldn’t believe she was having such a great time.
Dakota studied every inch of Beth’s face as she talked. Finally, she broke her stare and looked at her own watch. Beth was right. It was time to go home. “May I walk you to your car?” Dakota offered.
Beth was touched by the gesture. “Please, I would like that.” Beth reached out and again touched Dakota’s arm as she spoke.
Dakota looked at the gentle hand that now was perched on her own arm. Her flesh was on fire. She quickly imagined where else Beth could set her on fire. “What am I thinking? She’s straight. Minor details, McKnight, minor details!” she thought to herself.
As they made their way out of the crowded bar, Beth leaned into Dakota. Dakota held onto Beth’s elbow, guiding her out. This just seemed so natural to them both.
As they reached Beth’s car, Beth said, “I know this may seem a little forward, but I’d love to see you again, maybe swap phone numbers. I like you and don’t want to give up on the possibility of a good friendship with you.”
“Really?” Dakota stood there with a look of shock on her face.
“Really. That shocks you? I think we could become good friends. Please?”
How could Dakota deny this simple request? “It would be my pleasure.” She reached in her back pocket for a business card. “I’ll even give you my private number, reserved for few and far between.” She chuckled, “Just kidding, but only two other people have it.”
“Then I am touched. I will give you a call. Promise.” Beth leaned into Dakota, looked into her eyes, and kissed Dakota on her cheek. Beth hopped into her car so quick, Dakota wasn’t able to say or do anything.
Dakota’s cheek burned just like her arm had earlier when Beth touched her. Dakota raised her hand to wave good-bye, then she touched her cheek gently where Beth had kissed her. She walked to her Jeep in disbelief of the evening she’d just had. Janie was going to be so proud of her. She didn’t shy away from Beth like she thought she would. Instead, she was inexplicably drawn to the widowed woman with two grown daughters, one of whom just happened to be a lesbian. Maybe they could become friends. ‘Yeah, right! Once she realizes how strong we really are, she won’t want anything to do with you. No one should. You’re a piece of crap, worthless!’ “Shut up already. I just met her!” she said to herself as she eased into her Jeep.
Somewhere nearby a car backfired, sending Dakota to the floorboard, her arms protectively covering her head. This was the last thing she needed tonight.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #739
I met an interesting woman named Beth this evening. Val introduced me to her and Beth and I spent all evening talking. We closed down the bar. She’s a widow with two grown children, and currently lives alone. One of her daughters is a lesbian and Beth is very accepting of this. She teaches American History at Portland State University. She enjoys hiking, camping, and family get-togethers.
Feel like I’m writing a report for the Marines. State the facts and only the facts. I know this is not what Janie had in mind when she started these writing exercises. She wants me to write more about feelings.
Okay, well, here goes nothing. Wow! She blew my mind. Not only is she intelligent, but also kind, caring, and warm. She gives off great vibes. She didn’t let my voices scare her away. My heart skips a beat just thinking about her. Talk about making your heart stop. She can do that and more. Those eyes. Gray, dark, penetrating eyes that see right through me. It’s like looking into a mirror. She sees inside me like no one has ever done before. There is no getting away from those eyes. They were constantly staring right into my soul. I was in awe. I would have answered any question she asked. If she had been an interrogator, there would be no getting anything by her. I would have melted like butter.
The voices were loud, but manageable this evening. I’m glad I took an anti-anxiety pill before I went out. Last thing I would want to do is lose it completely in front of someone. Although, I think Beth would be able to handle it. Again, just a feeling. I think I would like to get to know her better. I’m sure we could be friends, and right now, I need people. Maybe I won’t scare her away with all my extra baggage. I didn’t run. I stayed and interacted with her.
I think I owe Val an apology for telling her she was going to pay for it, when in actuality, I enjoyed myself. Oh well, I’ll think of some way to repay her for introducing us. Who knows
, maybe I’ll invite her to the wedding. Yeah, right!
I’m tired. The voices have been haunting me, hounding me unmercifully lately. Tonight I wasn’t as hyper-vigilant as usual. Guess my amygdala wasn’t working overtime, that is, until that car backfired tonight. Don’t know if that’s because I met someone I liked, or because of the med I took. It was nice just being able to enjoy the company of someone, without looking over my shoulder every second, or jumping ten feet into the air when a noise scared me.
Well, I need to get to bed. It’s been a long day, even longer after staying out all night.
Roger, out.
* * * * *
The next morning, bright and early, Valerie called Dakota. Valerie’s excitement could be heard over the phone. “Sooooo, how did it go, girl? Dish!”
Dakota’s voice was animated, “Val, she’s terrific! She is so easy to talk to. We talked for hours. She let me walk her to her car, we exchanged numbers, and she even said she was going to call me.”
Val had never heard her friend so excited over a woman before. “Isn’t she great? I thought you two might hit it off.”
Dakota fiddled with the telephone cord. “Val, she’s straight. The only thing we’ll be ‘hitting off’ is the beginning of a new friendship. Still, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her.”
“How are the voices dealing with it?”
“They don’t like it, but I’m dealing with them. Thanks again for getting me out and introducing me to Beth.”
“Told ya’ that you’d be thanking me for introducing you two.” Valerie looked at the time. “Gotta go, my friend. Off to work. Love ya! Bye.”
“Bye, Val. Thanks again for last night.” Dakota hung up the phone and sat there and laughed. Her friend was something special. As completely different as they were, their love for each other was strong. She wasn’t sure if she would even be alive today if it weren’t for her friendship with Valerie. Dakota owed her life to her.
* * * * *
“She had the most intriguing gray eyes, Wilder. They held my attention the whole night.” Knowing he wasn’t going to respond, she continued on about meeting Beth the night before. “We talked like we were old friends. She was easy-going in many different ways. She seemed interested in what I had to say and did not even bat an eye when we talked about my Marine Corps days. That drives most women crazy, but she seemed to enjoy herself.”
That did it. Wilder reached up to Dakota with his paw and barked.
She gave his head a loving squeeze, “I know, boy. I’m infatuated and you are hungry, but you sure are a great listener.” Wilder had been at the Oregon Humane Society for three weeks, but Dakota knew today was going to be his lucky day. He was a German Shepherd mix that was going to the Paws and Stripes Organization in New Mexico to become a service dog for a veteran with PTSD. Wilder was going to make a fine service dog. At three years old, he was the perfect candidate.
During the past three weeks, she had volunteered a few extra shifts just to see him. She knew she was going to miss him when he was shipped out. This would happen from time to time over the years, she would fall in love with one of the animals she was fostering or caring for at the shelter, especially if they were puppies or kitties she had to take home to feed and take care of for a while. They were the hardest to let go of, but more so for Wilder because she knew what he was destined for.
CHAPTER THREE
A couple of days later, Dakota’s cell phone rang. She looked at the number and grinned. It was Beth. “Hi there!” Dakota was excited.
“Sounds like you were expecting me to call.”
Dakota smiled. “I was. Well, I hoped you would call. How have you been?”
“Great! I know this is short notice, but how about dinner tonight? I have a rack of ribs on the grill and I need someone to share them with. Naturally, I thought of you. Why, I don’t know. I just know that I really enjoyed our conversation the other night. I’ve been thinking about you and thought we could do it again.” She finally took a breath. “So how about it?” She was nervous, yet anxious to see Dakota again.
“Sounds like you have it all worked out. Can I bring anything, maybe a bottle of wine?” Dakota had a great collection of wine to choose from, which was funny because she rarely drank wine, but her tendency to overindulge was soaring.
“Please, if you don’t mind, I would love for you to bring the wine. But nothing else, just an appetite.” Beth gave directions to her place and Dakota hit the road.
Beth greeted Dakota at the door with a hug and a light kiss on the cheek. Dakota’s face turned red. “Guess I should get used to that,” she thought to herself.
Sitting at the table on the back deck, they hardly spoke as they consumed the delectable ribs. Each laughing at the other while wiping sauce off their faces. When the ribs were gone, Beth wanted to know more about Dakota, so she redirected the conversation to questions about Dakota’s illness. “May I ask, when did you first become ill?”
‘Don’t answer that! She won’t like us. She’ll run, just like all the others. You don’t deserve a friend, only us! We’re all that you need. Just kill yourself before you embarrass us!’ Dakota thought hard about not telling Beth, but if they were becoming friends, she deserved to know. “Shortly after returning from Iraq. Remind me to tell you stories about Iraq one day. I would like to share them, but not so soon with someone I’ve just met.” She just sat there and waited for the uncomfortable pause that always followed.
This time, the response was different. “I would be honored to listen.” Beth reached out and stroked Dakota’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
The response shocked Dakota. Beth didn’t shy away. She stood firm. Beth continued to ask her questions. She wasn’t afraid of the answers Dakota shared. It felt good to talk to someone other than Janie. Beth sat there taking it all in. “Don’t think you are going to scare me away. I like you too much to be scared of you or your voices.”
“Thanks, Beth. That means a lot to me.”
“Tell me about your rank in the Marine Corps. I’ve heard you mention it, but not to any extent.”
“Not much to tell, really. I reached E-7, Gunny Sergeant.”
Beth continued to question her. “But isn’t making Gunny Sergeant in nine years quite an accomplishment?”
“Sure, making Gunny at all is an accomplishment. I entered the Corps as an E-3, Lance Corporal. Before I finished technical school, I made Corporal. From there, I was on a fast track to make Gunny. Being one of the few women to be fluent in both Arabic and Kurdish languages, I was easily promoted, and was deployed, early on, to Iraq. When I got back from my first tour, I volunteered again. Then again. If I hadn’t been injured during a rocket-propelled grenade, or RPG, attack, I would still be in the Marines. Who knows if we would have ever met if I had stayed in the Corps?”
Beth shuddered at the thought. She could only imagine what Dakota had looked like in her dress blue uniform or her camouflage. She would ask to see pictures of Dakota in uniform one day.
Dakota continued, “I made Gunny Sergeant two months before the attack. Shell kept picking on me, jokingly calling me Mac Gunny instead of Gunny Mac. He was funny that way. I was just getting used to the guys calling me Gunny. Kind of bitter sweet now.”
They sat and talked for hours. Beth would reach out every so often to touch Dakota’s arm or hand, in reassurance that things were fine. Dakota was beginning to like the soft touch and the calming effect it had on her. She even managed to have a good time in spite of the voices.
“It’s late. I think it might be time me for take my leave. Can I help with the dishes before I go?” Dakota said, realizing that another late night was definitely upon them.
Dakota helped Beth take the dishes into the kitchen. “No thanks, just foil and a couple of plates. Nothing to worry about. Dakota, I’ve enjoyed the evening.” Beth walked over and a placed a kiss on Dakota’s cheek.
Dakota blushed, took Beth’s hand, an
d returned the gesture. “My pleasure, entirely.”
They held hands as they sauntered to the front door. A quick good night and Dakota left Beth standing on the front porch.
“A straight woman, Dakota. Really?” She questioned herself, and what she was feeling, as she walked to her Jeep. Two meetings and she was already totally enamored with Beth. “Must have been the wine. Right, keep telling yourself that!”
* * * * *
“She’s terrific, Val. Everything you said, and more!” Beth couldn’t believe she had finally met Dakota. She felt like she already knew Dakota before she met her. Val had told her a lot about Dakota, and a little about her struggle with mental illness, but not the whole story. As Dakota opened up to her, Beth decided that she liked her too much to be afraid or be pushed away. This woman, who struggled with the demons of war, seemed honest and loyal, and Beth liked that.
“Isn’t she? She was really worried about meeting you, but now she sings nothing but high praises about you. How late did you guys stay out that night?”
Beth told her. She even told her that she had invited Dakota over to her house last night, and she’d accepted, and that they’d talked for hours. They found that they both loved reading, the great Pacific Northwest outdoors, hiking, and many other things. The only thing Beth didn’t share with Val was the feelings she was struggling with. Beth was attracted to Dakota. She had never had these feelings before about another woman. She’d known Dakota was gay and that didn’t bother her, but her feelings for Dakota were something new. Beth was definitely feeling something for the six foot tall, salt and pepper-haired woman. She would have to examine her feelings and decide what to do about them. Right now though, she didn’t want to think about it. She wanted Dakota’s friendship. “Well, I’m off to class. Can we get together later and talk more?”
