by Karen Baker
Need to face Janie and the fact that the meds aren’t working. I’m so frustrated. Every time there is a change in meds, it takes some time for them to start working. The doctors are running out of meds to try, and I’m tired of trying new things. Nothing is ever going to help me be rid of these voices. I think I’m just going to have to learn to live with them. I need to figure out how to accept the fact that nothing is going to fix them. I’m tired of trying. I hate my life.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER TWENTY
“Rayne, what am I going to do? I think I’m falling for her! She’s a woman!” Beth couldn’t believe her own ears. She was falling hard for Dakota.
Eight months had passed since Beth had met Dakota. She had reached the point where she thought about her constantly, especially since the confrontation in the front yard with Allen. She had come so close to kissing her. She had wished for even more time with Dakota, wanting to be with her every waking moment.
“Mom, do you hear yourself? So what if she is a woman! If you like someone, you like them. It shouldn’t matter that she’s a woman. Do you feel stirred every time you see her?”
Beth twirled the wine around the glass. Wine, something else Dakota had introduced her to. Just thinking about Dakota brought a smile to her face. “Why am I talking to you about this? You’re my daughter. I should keep some secrets. Dammit Rayne, she’s just so…”
“Mom, are you falling in love?” Rayne already knew the answer. She just wanted to see her mother squirm in her seat. She wanted to know how honest her mother would be with herself.
Right on time, Beth squirmed in her chair. She hadn’t wanted to admit it, but she had fallen in love with Dakota the very first night they had met. “Is it too soon?”
“Not if she feels it too. Have you told her?”
“Hell no! I’m not that brave! Besides, I don’t think she sees me like that. She really is afraid of getting too close to anyone. She has a lot of issues, but that doesn’t worry me. I’m ready to have someone in my life, even if it is a woman. Boy, you know how to get me to talk don’t you?” Beth chuckled about opening up with Rayne.
“Not really, I just think you needed another lesbian to talk it over with.”
“I’m a lesbian? Wow! I guess I am. I do love her, Rayne, and I want to be with her, if she is willing to have me.”
Rayne thought about accepting her mother as a lesbian. It didn’t bother her one bit. She was proud of her mother. She couldn’t wait to meet the woman responsible for changing her mother. Rayne wondered out loud, “Have you slept with her?”
“What? God, no! We haven’t even kissed. We came close to kissing one night when she was drunk and spent the night here. I haven’t even thought about that. No, that’s a lie. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to hold and kiss her. Oh, I want this so bad, like I’ve never wanted anything else in my life!”
Beth considered what she was getting herself into, and decided that as long it concerned Dakota, she didn’t care. She wanted to be with Dakota, any way possible.
“I have to say, I never thought I would be discussing sex with another woman, with my own mother.” Rayne snapped her fingers. “Oh, I know what to do! Why don’t we have a family get-together? I know you said before that she doesn’t like people, but we are not just people, we’re your family. Do you think she would be willing?”
“There is only one way to find out. I’ll set it up. Thanks for letting me bend your ear. Not exactly what you were expecting from your old mom I bet!” She gave Rayne a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, kiddo!”
They changed the subject to Rayne and the woman she was currently seeing. Beth made sure to invite her to the family get-together. They both wondered how Desiree was going to take the news that her mother was a lesbian. They continued to talk, sharing current news items, while finishing off the bottle of wine. As Rayne readied to leave, Beth reassured her that she was fine, thanked her again for getting her to talk, and listening to her.
As Beth readied for bed, her thoughts were consumed with Dakota. She wondered what kind of toothpaste she used. Beth made a mental note to have both paste and gel stocked in her bathroom, just in case Dakota ever graced her bedroom. These thoughts were starting to get out of control. She would have to talk with Dakota soon about her feelings towards her. Beth set the alarm, fluffed her pillow, and stretched out on the king size bed. There would be plenty of room on the bed for Dakota’s long, lanky figure. She imagined kissing Dakota, touching her, and something stirred her between her legs. “Enough!” she said out loud to herself. She rolled over, thumping the spare pillow hard, releasing pent-up energy. “Sleep,” she reminded herself why she was lying there. She snuggled the pillow close to her, imagining it was Dakota.
* * * * *
The music was soulful, almost gut-wrenching, but needed. A huge chunk was missing from Dakota’s life. She couldn’t comprehend what until the music stirred her. She was longing for Beth’s touch. Just the thought of Beth’s mouth on hers, moving together as one, brought Dakota to tears.
The voices were still tormenting her. This time they were of thoughts of Beth, and the life they would never have together, because of them. They taunted her, shamelessly, about her feelings for Beth. ‘Do you really think a woman like her could ever love you? You’re not worth it! You’re a worthless piece of shit! You’re nothing without us! Leave the woman alone. You have nothing to offer her!’ Nothing would ever come of her feelings because she was a wimp. She could never talk to Beth about her true feelings without the voices interfering. They would never leave her like Beth would, once Beth figured out how truly crazy Dakota was. They laughed at her. ‘You are so pathetic! Just forget about her and stay with us. She’ll never love the likes of you! Not like we do. You should die.’
It was nearly two a.m. when Dakota reached for the phone. She knew that Janie would answer, despite the time displayed on the clock. “Janie, it’s happening again.” Dakota was barely able to get the words out.
Janie yawned, “I’m so sorry, Dakota. Do you want to talk?”
The voices taunted her. ‘You don’t need to talk to anyone!’ “No. I think I need to go to the hospital.”
This admission worried Janie, “Do I need to call an ambulance?”
“Yes!” Her mind screamed. “No.” She pictured her mangled body, laid out for everyone to see, including Beth, “No, I’ll be okay.”
“I’ll meet you there. Please, Dakota, drive safely. I need you to make it there in one piece.” This was Janie’s worst nightmare, fearing that Dakota would kill herself before she even made it to the hospital.
* * * * *
Six days later, Dakota jumped into the Jeep and headed home. Her medications had been increased to help with the voices. She was stabilized, for now. The voices were once again playing second fiddle in her head. She had survived another psychotic break.
As she drove home, her thoughts landed on Beth. How was she going to explain not being in contact for six days? What would Beth think, finding out that Dakota had been in the hospital again, and had not even bothered to call her? Her thoughts were too fast already, and she had just gotten out of the hospital.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Dakota and Beth were having lunch one leisurely afternoon. “Sure, I’d be thrilled to meet your girls. You talk about them all the time, seems like I know them already.”
“That’s a nice thing to say. They look forward to meeting you too, especially Rayne. I think you two will hit it off just fine. How about next weekend? Can you make it?”
Dakota looked deep into Beth’s eyes. Beth already knew the answer. “I would be honored.” Dakota thought to herself, “I can’t live without this woman in my life. What am I going to do? I’ll do anything just to be around her, and if that means just being friends, then so be it.”
But it was time for Dakota to address why she hadn’t called Beth for a week. “We need to talk, Beth.”
“I take it it’s something seri
ous by the tone of your voice,” Beth tried to bring some levity to the conversation, but Dakota’s mood didn’t shift.
Dakota shifted in her seat. “Haven’t you wondered why we haven’t talked in over a week?”
It was Beth’s turn to shift in her seat. “I thought you just needed a break, from us I mean. I figured you would call when you were ready, but yes, I was worried.”
“Beth, I was in the hospital. The voices…well, they were out of control again. I got out of control. I couldn’t control my feelings…toward…anything.” Dakota almost let it slip that thoughts of Beth moved her, and that she couldn’t get Beth out of her mind.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Beth was concerned.
“Do you? It’s not easy to talk about, or to listen to, but I will leave it up to you.”
“Of course, Dakota. I’m your friend. I’m willing to listen to you, any time, you know that.” Did Dakota really know? Had she ever told her that she would listen to her stories about her illness? If not, that had to change, and change right now. “You can tell me anything you want. I am your friend, and I’m not going to run just because you think I can’t handle it. Try me.”
“Okay. It was horrible. How do I explain? The voices took over. They were out of control. I guess the only good that came out of it was that I did go to the hospital without hurting myself. I called Janie and she met me there. She had called ahead and the doctors were waiting for me. They increased my medications right away and put me in the hospital. The first couple of days, it was touch and go whether the meds were going to work. They had to increase the meds a second time.”
“Was it hard on you?”
Dakota thought back to the hospitalization. “It was brutal there for a while. No sleep, restrained, forced medications, punching walls, and endless staring at old geezers.”
Beth reached out and placed her hand on Dakota’s arm. “That’s terrible, Dakota.”
Dakota’s arm was on fire. How much longer was she going to be able to deny her feelings toward Beth? “I slipped into a bad depression. My mood sank and the crying over nothing started. I was playing sad music, something I shouldn’t do when my mood drops. Basically, I put myself in a worse situation than I should have. I listened to the voices and was about ready to do something stupid.”
“You know you can call me to help, anytime. I care about you and our friendship; I don’t want to see you hurt yourself.”
Dakota looked into Beth’s eyes. They held each other that way for minutes. Beth’s hand was still on Dakota’s arm. Yes, Dakota was in love. “Okay. Next time I’ll give you a call. I’m sure Janie would appreciate a break.”
“Janie sounds like she is great for you.”
How could she explain their relationship to Beth? “Janie and I have a deep connection. Remember I told you that I was in Iraq? Well Shell, her son, died in my arms over there.”
“Oh, God, Dakota.”
“Yeah, well, we really haven’t talked about it yet. I have a huge problem talking about it. It triggers my PTSD. I’m just not strong enough yet, but I know that I will have to, eventually, to be able to recover. Janie waits. She wants to know what happened to Shell, but I’m really scared.” Dakota couldn’t look at her; she was scared of what Beth’s face revealed.
Yet Beth held steady and firm. There was concern in Beth’s eyes, but no repulsion. She spoke softly, “I’m not running away, Dakota. You can’t scare me away.” Beth bit her tongue, she wanted to tell Dakota she loved her, that nothing was going to make her turn away. She almost spilled her feelings out to Dakota, right then and there. Beth wanted to take Dakota in her arms and protect her from all things, but this was all new to Beth. She had never wanted to protect someone like she wanted to protect Dakota from herself.
“Thanks, that means a lot.” Dakota fidgeted, tapping her foot nervously while debating whether or not to tell Beth she loved her. The words were right on the tip of her tongue. If she could just say them and get them out, then things might calm down inside her. She wanted Beth to hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay.
Beth decided it was best to change the subject. “Again, we are still having the family get-together and Rayne wanted to make sure that I invited you. You are part of my family now. Are you still willing to come? For me?” Beth batted her gray eyes at Dakota.
“How could I say no to that?” Dakota laughed. “Part of your family, am I? Just tell me again when, and I’ll make sure that I’m there. Especially for you.”
“Next weekend, my house. And bring a couple of bottles of your famous wine.” Beth stroked Dakota’s arm. “I can’t wait.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The day of the family get-together had finally arrived. Dakota sat outside of Beth’s house in her Jeep. What if Beth’s girls didn’t like her? How would that affect Beth’s feelings towards Dakota? Would Beth still want to be friends? She was still willing to take whatever Beth was willing to offer. What worried Dakota the most, were the voices. They had never left her, even though the doctors had increased her medication. And they were getting louder.
‘You worthless piece of shit! Do really think Beth is going to stick around once she really meets us? Just kill yourself, already. Give everyone a break from you. Run, hide, but you can’t escape from us. We’ll always be here for you. I can hear the sirens. They’re coming for you! You don’t deserve to live! Shell did! Incoming! Run, cover! Which direction!’ “Enough!” Dakota screamed out loud. She hoped no one else could hear her. “Get it together, Dakota.”
Everyone was going to be there, the girls and their partners, and, of course, Beth. She needed to relax. Dakota had brought the wine, as requested. She rang the doorbell this time; usually she just walked in and announced her presence. Today there were other people and their feelings to be concerned with.
Beth opened the door with a beautiful smile that almost brought Dakota to tears. “I am so very happy to see you!” Beth took Dakota by the arm and pulled her into a hug that lasted longer than normal.
“Glad to see you too! I’ve missed you.” But Dakota wasn’t about to tell Beth exactly how much she’d missed her, at least not right then.
“Come on in. We’re sitting out on the back deck. I can’t wait for you to meet my girls.” Beth led Dakota to the deck, her arm around Dakota’s waist. “Rayne, Desiree, I would like you to meet someone who is very special in my life. This is Dakota, my very best friend in the world.”
The words made Dakota’s heart skip a beat. Best friend in the world. She hadn’t expected any more than just friend.
Dakota’s first instinct proved true about the girls. They were wonderful, caring women, like their mother. They took her by the hands and welcomed her with open arms, eccentricities and all. Dakota was well aware that Beth had told them in advance about her mental illness. They didn’t seem to care about it in the least.
Conversation was light, but festive. Rayne and her current girlfriend, Amy, connected immediately with Dakota. Desiree took her time, but before long she was right in the middle of the conversation. They made Dakota feel welcomed, even loved. Beth made sure that she gave all of them time to connect. It was extremely important that her girls liked and respected Dakota, because soon, Beth was going to tell Dakota her true feelings. Beth wanted to tell her tonight, but she didn’t want to overwhelm Dakota on their first visit in over a week.
‘Just leave them be. This is a family get-together. You shouldn’t even be here! You shouldn’t be alive. Kill yourself; use the extra medication you’ve been hoarding. There’s plenty of it now.’ She shook her head trying to shake the voices out.
Beth pulled Dakota aside for a moment, “They’re back, aren’t they? And don’t try to deny it; I can see it in your eyes and in your body language.”
Dakota stared at the deck. She couldn’t look Beth in the eyes, those gray, piercing eyes. “Y…Yes. I’m sorry. I’ve tried everything I can think of. I don’t want to ruin the fun. I’ll take my l
eave now.”
Beth grabbed her arm and said firmly, “Stand down, marine. Don’t even think about going anywhere. You’re staying here with me and we’ll fight the voices, together.” Then more softly, “Please?”
How could Dakota walk away from this beautiful woman? “If…if you stay close beside me, I won’t leave.”
“I won’t leave your side. Now, let’s get back before they start to wonder what we’re doing over here.” She kissed Dakota on the cheek, took her by the hand, and never left her side.
Beth had tried to keep things routine for Dakota, knowing this eased her anxiety. As the familiar aroma of grilled burgers and dogs wafted over the party, Dakota smiled to herself and relaxed half a notch. She gave Beth a look of deep appreciation for keeping things normal.
Love? Yes, Dakota couldn’t deny it any more. She loved Beth. She agonized telling Beth, but she couldn’t wait any longer. The longer she put it off, the more anxious she got. Dakota decided she would tell her tonight after the girls were gone and they were alone.
Eyes found Dakota, burning her skin. It was Beth watching her, she didn’t even need to look. When she did finally look at Beth, their eyes met, one holding the other. They had shared this intimate look more and more recently. She had memorized every inch of Beth’s face, every little laugh line. Dakota wanted to reach out right then to tell her what she was feeling, but waited, letting her mind wonder what Beth felt like. “Oh, God, I’m not going to survive this night,” Dakota muttered to herself. ‘Not with us around you won’t. We’re not going anywhere. We’re staying right inside this little brain of yours.’
