by Karen Baker
Dakota took a deep breath, wiped a tear from her face, and continued, “They were lined up and slaughtered. Blood and brain matter everywhere, splattered on the walls, and stinking pools of it on the floor. I didn’t touch the bodies, fearing they were rigged to explode. The whole village, completely wiped out. The room was still. Nothing moved. Dead eyes stared back at me. I turned around and walked back to the Humvee. Immediately, I notified HQ, and we were told to wait until Captain Leif arrived with EOD before we entered again. That was an extremely long day. We stayed well into the night, carrying bodies out of the mosque for burial, and cleaning up the mess. I don’t ever think I’ve been as tired as I was that night. Physically and emotionally drained. But I put it out of my mind. I’ve tried to forget about it, but every time there is a school or mall shooting, it shakes me to the core.”
Laura sat there and listened to Dakota’s hellish story. Somehow she had learned to keep a straight face and not completely lose her lunch over these stories she heard from soldiers. “It’s the correlation between the incidences that prove to be the big issue. The public shootings trigger the brain into reliving the mosque shooting. The similarities can be profound, especially to someone that has experienced what you have.”
Dakota sank her face into her hands. “How am I supposed to sleep? I’m afraid to close my eyes.”
“It will come. Give yourself time to process and heal. It’s not going to happen overnight. The more you open up and talk about it, the easier it’ll get,” Laura said.
“Does every therapist study the same book?” Dakota chucked.
“Yep. Required Reading 101. Just remember, time. And be gentle with yourself, you deserve it. Good work, Dakota. I’m proud of you. It takes a lot for someone to talk to about what happened. You were extremely brave then, and you have been extremely brave today.”
“Thanks, Laura.”
“You’re welcome. Take care of yourself. Call any time.” As Laura walked off, she said to herself, “Although I don’t think you will need me again.” A small smile eased across her face.
* * * * *
Five days later, when Dakota was released from the hospital, Beth was waiting for her at the psych unit front doors. Tentative at first, their hug was guarded. Beth pulled away and looked into Dakota’s eyes. “Hold me like your lover, not like a stranger.”
Dakota pulled her into her arms and hugged Beth with all her might. Dakota thought about how much she loved Beth, then pulled her even closer.
“That’s what I’m talking about. I can feel your love,” Beth whispered into Dakota’s ear.
They walked hand in hand to Beth’s car. As they reached the car, Dakota enveloped Beth into another hug. She then pulled Beth into a loving kiss.
“Where did that come from?”
“I missed you and wanted to show you. I have a lot to share with you and Janie. But tonight, you’re all mine!”
In her best southern accent, “Why, Dakota! Whatever do you have in mind?” Beth giggled.
“Only what you have in mind too, my dear. I’m going to make wild, passionate love to you all night long.”
“Thank goodness! I thought you just wanted to ravage my body.”
“That too.”
* * * * *
As they walked in the front door of their home, Dakota turned around and took Beth into her arms. “I’m ready for that trip now. The new medication is working just fine. I think I’ll even enjoy myself.”
Beth placed a well-deserved kiss on Dakota’s lips. “That’s great! I’m so happy you’re giving the new medication a chance.”
But Dakota knew deep down inside that the new medications weren’t working. Instead, they were making things worse, and she had stopped taking them before she’d left the hospital. She didn’t want to admit this to anyone. She wanted to go to Wyoming with Beth terribly, and was willing to say anything to get out of the hospital in time for the trip. So she had cheeked the daily medications, spitting them out into the toilet or her hand while rubbing her nose.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Late one night, they pulled into the parking lot of the cabin where they were staying in Jackson, Wyoming. They were so tired, after a quick shower, they brushed their teeth, curled up together, and fell asleep almost immediately.
The next morning, Dakota was up very early to make coffee for herself, before the sun came up in the valley. She hadn’t slept much after the initial couple of hours. She took her cup of coffee and sat down in the lounge chair on the back deck. The light slowly filtered onto the valley floor, dispersing the precious mist. Trees came alive, leaves danced, each played to a different tune. Larger animals quietly disappeared into the brush, following the moon as it unhurriedly set behind the mountain. The littlest creatures braved the day, looking for food to sate their hunger. Geese flew off in pairs. The top of the mountains turned purple to show off their morning beauty. A magpie ate his fill at the bird feeder, then dashed back to the safe haven of his tree. The sun managed to lift its head, and was now shining down upon the mountain, soon reaching the valley floor. Steam rose from the creek and floated towards heaven. The sun continued to rise, showing off its talent of bringing light and warmth. Its rays so bright, light coated every inch of the valley floor.
Snow covered peaks begged skiers to come out and play. Hot air balloons rose into the sky like Mother Earth giving birth. Like a halo on an angel, a small cloud circled the top of the mountain. This was Mother Nature at her best.
Tears streaked down her face. This was going be hard, very hard, but she had to hold it together. She knew the voices were out of control. She knew she should take her medications, but they slowed her down. She went back to bed, knowing she would lie awake next to Beth, and waited to start a busy day.
They spent the next week in the valley, exploring, hiking, and making love. Dakota spent each morning thinking and trying to sort out if it was worth taking meds since they didn’t really work. Taking them was the last thing she wanted to do.
* * * * *
The sun was setting behind the Grand Teton mountain range and it was getting colder. The low was supposed to drop to twenty degrees tonight. Dakota bundled herself up in a blanket and sank into a chair on the back porch. She could hear the creek below, flowing towards its final destination. The valley settled into darkness. Bats flew above her head, searching for bugs. Taking a few deep breaths, Dakota sought to ease her anxiety. Nightmares had been dragging her down lately, so she dreaded the night and what it brought.
Beth eased the sliding glass door open and stepped outside, joining Dakota on the porch. She didn’t speak, deciding to let the silence fill the air. Beth snuggled down into Dakota’s lap as Dakota wrapped the blanket around them both. They sat and watched the night sky fill with stars. Bugling elk finally broke the silence.
Quietly, Beth asked, “Why are you sitting out here in the cold and dark?”
“I’ve been thinking of telling you about the breakthrough I had in the hospital.”
Beth whispered, “I’m willing to listen to anything you want to share.” Learning to gently push, without pushing too hard, was a skill Beth had learned at her Family-to-Family class with NAMI.
“Thanks. I know. It’s hard to talk about, but I think I’m ready.” Dakota took a deep breath and continued. “It all really started in this little village, Al Kheem, in Iraq.” She told Beth the complete story.
Beth listened quietly, letting Dakota go at her own pace. She held Dakota and just let her cry until she was cried out. Finally, Beth spoke, “My God, that’s a lot to go through, honey.”
She wiped her eyes. “Yeah. Then to lose Shell on top of that. I think I was overwhelmed with what transpired in Al Kheem and just shut down.”
“I’ll say. Do you want to talk about the incident with Shelby?” Beth wanted to encourage her without pushing her too far, too fast.
“Not tonight. Besides, I’m getting cold. Time to go inside.”
“Okay, honey. Thank yo
u for opening up and sharing with me. It means a lot to me that you trust me enough to do that.”
“I trust you with my life. And you’re welcome, baby.”
A gentle kiss was shared, and hand in hand, they walked back into the cabin for the night.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #942
We finally made it to Wyoming. The views are breathtaking. I feel like I am home. Something calls me to this place, like no other. But my mind is scrambled. Nothing is making sense. Thoughts are all over the place, my mind is not settling on one thing. My dreams have been extremely vivid and very violent. Even my journaling is all disorganized and out of sync. Scattered brain.
Roger, out.
* * * * *
One night, again sitting on the back porch of the little cabin they had rented while in Wyoming, they watched the sun set behind the Teton Mountains. Beth and Dakota held their own glasses of wine, each lost in their own thoughts. The sky filled with shades of red and purple, with streaks of white contrails. Red in the sky morning, sailor take warning; red at sky night, sailor delight. Beth broke the silence, “Dakota, please tell me about the scars.”
The simple request made Dakota’s stomach turn. “What would you like to know?”
Taking Dakota’s hand, Beth said, “Did it hurt? Do they all still hurt? What made you stop? Anything you’re willing to share.”
Dakota gathered her strength before beginning. “Well, as you noticed, there are several big scars on my stomach and chest. Those are from Iraq, from the RPG hits we took the day Shell was killed. Initially, I didn’t feel those, I was in shock. But after the shock wore off, yeah, they hurt like hell. I had several surgeries to remove fragments. My arms and legs had several fragment wounds that just needed simple extractions.” She took a sip of wine, and a big gulp of air, before continuing. “As far as the rest of the scars go, well, let’s see. Most of the ones that are really straight are from surgery or a box cutter. A few of them required stitches. The more jagged ones are from anything from broken plastic spoon handles, to pen caps, to paper clips. I don’t remember doing most of them. The voices would take over, or I would just black out. So no, they didn’t really hurt until after the fact. As far as why I used to cut, well, the main reasons are because of the voices, anger, and it was just a way to release overwhelming feelings that I couldn’t comprehend.”
‘Why are you talking about us? Leave us alone! Why didn’t you just kill yourself before now? When you cut, things were easier. Now things are all wrong. Run!’
Dakota shook her head. “Sorry, I spaced out, the voices. Anyway, some of the shell fragment scars are still tender. I think they always will be. But the others don’t hurt at all. As far as why I stopped cutting, I outgrew the need to cut. There’s no telling exactly why, but I’m glad I did. Cutting would be hard to do with you in my life.”
Dakota took a deep breath. She studied Beth for a moment, looking for any sign of regret or disgust. She found neither. What she did find, was a comforting hand, still in her hand.
“I love you, Dakota Ansleigh McKnight.”
“Thanks, Beth. It helps to be reminded of that from time to time. Just when I thought I couldn’t go on, you came into my life.”
“Oh, what a wonderful thing to say. That just makes me love you even more.”
The sun dipped behind the mountains, along with Dakota’s fears. “Beth, why are you crying?”
Beth swiped away a tear. “I’ve never been loved, or in love, as much as I am right now.”
Dakota wiped away a few of Beth’s tears. “Couldn’t have said it better myself.”
* * * * *
It was their last night in Wyoming. “Do you know how many sleepless nights I have spent worrying about you?” Beth didn’t want Dakota to worry, but she had to tell her what she was thinking.
Dakota rolled over to face Beth. “Actually, I do, yes. Because I’m right beside you while you toss and turn. I’m sleepless too, but for other reasons. I’m sorry I make you worry so. Please, Beth, what are we going to do? We need our sleep. I can’t keep this up. I lay here not sleeping, knowing you’re not sleeping, and that keeps me from sleeping even more. How do we make it stop?”
“I don’t know, but right now, since we are not sleeping, I have something else on my mind.”
Dakota reached out and stroked Beth’s breast. “Oh, yeah? And I wonder what that could possibly be?”
Dakota knew Beth needed to be held and shown how much she was loved. Beth groaned with approval. Dakota always knew how to drive her crazy. Beth was easily aroused by her touch. “Please, love me. Touch me like a woman touches her lover.”
Dakota rolled over on top of Beth. Their lips gently touched, driving another moan from Beth. Dakota moved her hands up and down her lover’s body. “Oh, God, yes. I will. I’ll touch you like you’ve never been touched before. I’ll love you like you’ve never been loved before. And when I’m through, I’ll do it all over again.”
“Dakota, please hurry, I need you to be inside of me, right now.”
Dakota slid her fingers into Beth. She let out a moan meant only for Dakota. “Oh, God, yes, you know what I want!”
And she did. Faster and faster, deeper and deeper, Dakota drove into Beth. They rocked together in perfect harmony, each pressing the other further into love and passion. Words spoken softly, encouraging each other, only existing for each other.
Timing was everything. Dakota took Beth higher and higher, until she could climb no more. “Right there, please, oh dear God, Dakota!” Beth exploded on Dakota’s hand, giving Dakota what she wanted, herself. Beth fell back on her back, wondering how Dakota knew how to drive her insane with love and lovemaking. After a moment, Beth caught her breath, “Once more, this time take me like you’ve never taken me before. Love me, Dakota, like I know only you can.”
“Like only I know how. Yes, my love.” Dakota thrust her fingers into her again, bringing Beth to an almost instant climax. But Beth held on, going deeper into a magical place that only Dakota took her. Her breathing became ragged and her body greedily took Dakota in. When she didn’t think she could go any higher, Dakota took a breast into her mouth, driving Beth even crazier.
“Almost, my love.”
“Consume you with everything I am my love.” Beth loved when Dakota talked to her when she was inside her. It drove her mad knowing that Dakota had this kind of power over her. But that’s what she loved about their lovemaking. Nothing made sense, but everything was like it should be.
Dakota knew what Beth wanted right then. She inserted another finger, bringing her closer to the edge. Then another finger. Beth could hardly breathe. Her body began to spasm; she hovered between love and reality, wishing Dakota even deeper. Dakota understood the wordless request. Dakota straddled Beth’s body, using her own body to push deeper and deeper into Beth. They breathed in unison, becoming one; one body, one soul. They loved like they had never loved before. With one final sharp intake of breath, climax was upon them both. They fell back onto the bed, gasping for air.
No words were spoken as they lay there. No words were needed. Mouths sought each other out. Lingering on the verge of utter exhaustion, their lovemaking began again.
This time was just the opposite. Fast and furious. Slamming body parts together, reaching for one another, not being able to get enough of each other. Like teenage kids, exploring the other’s body. Touching, caressing, mingling with desire as though nothing else existed. Fingers entering each other. Pressing quickly, with swift movements, they climaxed again.
How could one know exactly what the other wanted at the right time? They moved as one, one unit, one being. Beth couldn’t tell where she stopped and Dakota began. It was primal. It was love. “This is what love is supposed to feel like,” Beth thought to herself. She’d wasted all those years. Well, not wasted, she did have her girls to show for her life before Dakota. But Dakota was all she wanted, all she needed.
“That was beyond amazing, Beth.
I’ve never felt that close to anyone in my entire life.” Dakota rolled off Beth, onto her side. She continued to stroke Beth’s body as she talked. She knew this was one way to get Beth to rise again.
“Dakota, you bring me joy like I’ve never experienced before.”
“The feeling is mutual. I’ve never been this way with anyone before. You drive me to be a better lover. You drive me to do things I’ve never done before. Loving you is, well, better than life itself.”
“Hold me please, Dakota.”
“Always, my love, always. You know, you own my heart and soul. I’m just renting the body.” Beth couldn’t help but chuckle at Dakota’s comment.
They drifted off to sleep for a much needed rest, holding each other like the world had disappeared. Neither wanting more than what they had right then.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
As they pulled into their driveway, Beth sighed deeply, “It feels great to be home, our home.”
“Yeah.”
“What’s on your mind, Dakota? You’ve been very quiet for the last few hours.”
“I found a place for me, to be me, out there. It was amazing. I could see us there in our old age, playing with the animals, making a home for the kids, and loving you till the end.”
This revelation shocked Beth. “You see us growing old together?”
“Of course, don’t you?”
Beth thought intensely before she responded, “Yeah. I can see us as two little old lesbians, retiring to the great outdoors.”
“Maybe we should do it before we become little old lesbians.”
They laughed with ease, both thinking about becoming ‘little old lesbians’. They took their time emptying the Jeep, each making numerous trips in and out of the house. As they dumped the last load, Dakota reached for Beth. “Let’s leave the unpacking until tomorrow. I have other plans for you tonight.”
