by Karen Baker
“Oh you do? And would those plans have anything to do with being back in our own bed?”
Dakota laughed out loud, “Oh my! You read my mind! How do you do that?”
Beth couldn’t help but laugh too. “Because I was thinking the exact same thing! Let’s go!”
Holding hands, they dashed for the master bedroom. Ripping off clothes, each jockeying for the lead. Beth finally spoke, “Who is in charge here?”
Dakota grinned, “Me. Now shut up and lay down.”
“Please just don’t make me wait too terribly long. You know how I hate to wait.”
Dakota laughed as she pushed Beth onto their king sized bed. She laid her long, lanky frame upon her lover. Dakota was overcome, knowing that this was her lover, that they had shared this bed numerous times, and were about to again.
But Dakota stopped. She froze. ‘She’s only toying with your heart. She couldn’t really love you, no one does. You’re not worth anything! No one wants you! You’d be better off killing yourself. We’re taking over from here, since you can’t do anything right. Put her out of your misery. She doesn’t want you, she wants a man to give her something you never will be able to, stability.’ What if Beth was only playing with her until she found a man that could please her better than she could? The voices were playing tricks with her already and they had not even been home an hour. Dammit!
Dakota rolled off to one side of Beth. Tears streaked her face. When Beth realized that Dakota had moved, she knew what was wrong. “Are they back already?”
“Why? Why now? We…I can’t take this anymore.” Dakota struggled with thoughts and finding her own voice, “No more!” Dakota jumped out of bed and headed to the bathroom. She slammed the door behind her. Beth decided Dakota needed a moment to collect herself and her own thoughts. This just wasn’t fair. They had just returned home, and it was happening again already.
Beth knew that Dakota suffered a few mini-breaks while on their trip, but Dakota had handled them extremely well. She thought Dakota had been taking her medications as prescribed. Beth even remind her from time to time. Dakota held on to reality really well as they traveled, routines changing, people everywhere, and places new to both women.
Beth gave Dakota time to collect herself. “Dakota, honey, what can I do?”
Nothing came from the bathroom. “Dakota?”
Still nothing. Beth pounded on the door, “Dakota, answer me or I will break the fucking door down! Now what is going on?”
Dakota unlocked the door, believing that Beth really would break down the door if she didn’t answer.
“Thank you. I’m coming in.”
Dakota was kneeling in front of the toilet. Spit ran down the side of her mouth. Beth gathered a wet cloth and wiped her lover’s face. “How bad are the voices?”
“Can’t take it…I…I’m lost…I don’t know…what to do…the voices…never made me…physically sick before.” She leaned over the toilet and threw up again. There was nothing left in Dakota’s stomach. She dry heaved.
Beth wiped Dakota’s brow, trying to comfort her lover as best she could. “I think I better call Janie, let her know we are back, and tell her about the latest development. I think we should go to the hospital.”
She expected that Dakota would protest, but none came. “If you think it’s best.”
Beth made the call to Janie from the phone beside their bed. “Hi, Janie, we’re back. Yes, we had a great time, but…” What was she supposed to say? “Janie, I’m worried about Dakota. She’s very sick. She’s throwing up due to the voices. I’ve never seen her like this. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do.”
The conversation went on, but Dakota couldn’t hear the rest. Beth was whispering. Dakota knew it was bad if Beth didn’t want her to hear what she had to say. She sat there for a few more minutes before Beth returned. “Dakota, I’ve called an ambulance. Yes, you can do this. Besides, we have no choice. I can’t do this one by myself. We need the extra help.”
“No complaint from me this time. I get it. We need the extra help. You can’t handle this by yourself. Will Janie meet us at the hospital?”
Dakota looked up at Beth. Tears were streaming down her lover’s face, her eyes conveying fear and concern. Dakota had broken her rock. This realization brought more tears to Dakota’s eyes. Beth sat on the floor with Dakota.
Beth rubbed Dakota’s back, trying to soothe her. They waited in silence for the paramedics to arrive.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Dakota had been home almost a month following her last mini psychotic break. Things had been tense between them. Beth was constantly trying to convince Dakota that she was not going to leave her, that she did love her, and that Dakota was going to be all right.
“I stopped taking the fucking medications two months ago, before we even went to Wyoming!”
“Dammit, Dakota, you can’t just stop taking your meds!” Beth had suspected that Dakota had been lying about taking her meds, and it was now confirmed.
Dakota yelled, “You have no idea how they make me feel! No one does, not even Janie!”
Beth tried to convey comfort and concern, keeping her voice in a low, quiet tone, “You’re sluggish, you’re tired all the time, sleepy, and they make you feel nothing. Don’t sit there and tell me I don’t know. I do, but I love you, and you need to take them. Please, for me?”
“I just can’t do it any longer, not even for you! I love you, but…”
“Then let me call Janie. She’s always been there for you. I’m sure she will be now.”
Dakota sighed. “She’ll want me to go to the hospital. She always does when I get this bad. The only thing different now is you. You haven’t left my side, like other women have, in the past.”
“Then just trust me to do the right thing by you. If that means going to the hospital, then we’ll do it together. Okay?”
“Fine. I guess.” Dakota’s remark was short and curt.
Beth picked up the phone in the kitchen and called Janie, while Dakota headed to the bedroom.
Noticing it was Beth’s home phone number that popped up, Janie picked up the phone on the first ring. “Hello, Beth.”
“Janie, I’m sorry to bother you again, but I’m really scared. I’ve never seen Dakota this bad before. The voices are even worse than last time. She said she had stopped taking her meds two months ago, and won’t even take them for me now. And she keeps talking about me leaving her, just like all the other women have in the past.”
“Okay, slow down. Beth, when she gets this bad after she stops taking her meds, you can talk to her until you are blue in the face, but there is no way to get her to do anything. Try to get her to the VA as soon as possible. I’ll call them and let them know that you are coming. Give me a call back once you gals are in the Jeep. Ask Dakota to call me.”
Beth was relieved to hear Janie’s voice, and touched about how much concern she had for Dakota. “I’ll try. Thanks, Janie. See you soon.”
Beth walked to the bedroom where Dakota was packing an overnight bag. “Janie wants me to get you in the Jeep and head for the VA. She thinks it’s the best option right now.”
“I know it is too. I’m scared, Beth. The voices have only been this bad once before, when I had my first breakdown. I think I’m headed for a very rough patch. I’m sorry you got caught in the middle. If you want me to leave, just say the word, and I’ll move my stuff out.”
Perturbed, Beth questioned her, “What on earth are you talking about? Do you want to leave me?”
“No, I just thought you might not want me to stick around. That you might think it’s easier on you if I just left.”
“Dakota, that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say! Your illness bothers me because I worry about you, for you, but it will never make me feel like I don’t love you. And I do love you, even if you don’t believe it right now. I’ll love enough for both of us right now if I have to, but no, I don’t want you to leave just because you’ve hit a
rough spot.”
“It’s more than a rough spot.” Dakota replied, seeking comfort in Beth’s arms, “I’m glad that you don’t want me to leave, because deep down inside, I don’t want to leave you either. I guess I was just trying to spare you the pain that is about to happen.”
“Well, don’t. We will get through this together, and come out stronger on the other side. Now, grab your bag and let’s get you to the hospital.” Beth reached for the bag, but Dakota stopped her, instead taking Beth’s hand, bringing it to her lips, and kissing it gently.
Tears welled up in Beth’s eyes. She turned so Dakota wouldn’t see, but it was too late. Dakota saw the tears. She hated what she was putting Beth through, but there was no other way around the pain. They both had to face it head on. Dakota only hoped Beth was going to be able to survive it and still come out loving her in the end. She didn’t want to hurt Beth more than she already had.
They made it safely to the hospital. Janie was standing at the entryway to the ED. They had been down this road together before, but with Beth in the picture, things were different for all of them.
Janie took Dakota in her arms, hugging her with great warmth. “It’s good to see you, Dakota. What’s going on?”
Dakota didn’t know where to start. “I haven’t been taking my medications since before we left for Wyoming, over two months ago.”
“Okay, let’s start with that and go from there. Let’s get you checked in.” Dakota and Beth followed Janie to the nursing station. They were ready for Dakota.
Dakota turned to Beth. “Well, I guess this is where we part company for now. Try not to worry too much, please? Talk to Janie more, she will help you through this. I love you, Beth.” Dakota kissed Beth, then turned away, and headed off to the back with one of the nurses.
Beth turned to Janie. “Why does Dakota think I should talk with you more?”
“You and I have a lot more in common than you think. For one, we both care for Dakota, and we want what’s best for her. I also believe Dakota wants us to support each other. You see, my husband suffers from major depression. I think she wants you to learn some of my coping skills. Robert and I have been married since forever. When Shelby was killed, well, a little part of Robert died too. He fell into a deep depression. Maybe Dakota thinks I can help you through the tough times, that is, if you are willing to listen to an old blowhard like me.”
“Wow, Janie, I had no idea. You’re not old, and you’re definitely not a blowhard. Thanks for the offer. I might just take you up on it, because I have no idea how to handle this side of Dakota. Up until now, it’s been manageable. Just a few things happening around the house, problems with places and people when we go out. Handling small issues hasn’t been too hard, but I have to say, this one is throwing me for a loop. Why on God’s green earth would she stop taking her meds for so long? I know they slow her down, drug her out, but that’s what gets her through the rough times. I even think she has gone as far as stopping her other meds from her primary care physician. I can’t comprehend what is going through her mind right now. Should I even try? Where do I start?”
Janie knew exactly how Beth was feeling. She had been there once herself, and had survived with the help and guidance of a well-trained therapist. She was happy to pay it forward.
“What will they do to her?”
“I think that all depends on how much Dakota resists and struggles with the staff. She can be rather obstinate and hard-headed when she can’t think rationally.”
“Tell me about it! She can be very headstrong when she gets into one of her moods. She sulks around, wanting to talk, but just won’t. It drives us both crazy. And what about the crying outbursts? She wants to be consoled, yet shies away from my attempts. I walk on eggshells around her when she isn’t feeling well. I love her to death, but boy, she drives me crazy with all the moodiness.”
Janie nodded and patted Beth’s hand. “I think that’s the hardest part for us, deciphering the mood swings and how to react to them. It takes time, but you will learn to recognize each feeling, and what to do to help her through them. It really is like walking on eggshells. In fact, there is a book called ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells Around PTSD’. I have an extra copy at my office if you want it. It explains a lot. It helped me through most of Robert’s issues. I think it will be a great resource for you. I’ll drop it by your house, if that’s okay with you?”
Beth chuckled, “Walking on eggshells, that’s an understatement! Sometimes I feel like I’m totally in the dark. When she is feeling good, things couldn’t be better, but I sit and wait for the bomb that could drop at any moment. That’s what worries me the most, the waiting. Janie, I wouldn’t change my relationship with Dakota at all, it’s just, well, she can be a handful to deal with at times.”
“And if she stays on her meds, like she should, then she feels too drugged to do anything, right?”
“It’s a no win situation.”
“It does get easier, Beth. It takes time, but it does. Finding the right medications, finding the right therapist, which I think she has in me, and finding that right person to trust and love, which I definitely think is you, these things take time. If you love her like you say you do, then you two will find a way through all this, and come out better on the other side. Robert still sees his therapist about twice a month. Our relationship has gotten stronger, but it has taken time.”
Beth thought for a moment. “Oh, Janie, I can’t give up on Dakota, not now, I love her so very much. I can’t imagine my life without her in it anymore. She touches my heartstrings. I know we will make it through this and come out better on the other side, but it doesn’t make going through it easier right now.”
They sat in silence for a while, enjoying their new-found camaraderie.
* * * * *
Dakota scowled at Beth as she signed the visitor logbook. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I came to see you, silly. Remember, we talked about it on the phone last night. I told you I was coming to see you.” Beth took her lover’s hand, but Dakota jerked away.
“That’s not what I remember. I recall telling you never to visit me.”
Beth looked unsure of what to think. “I remember you telling me earlier on in our friendship, but, honey, we talked last night, and you agreed it was okay for me to visit.”
“I never said that! I don’t want you here! I’m not myself when I’m in this place, and I don’t want you to see me this way.” Dakota stormed off. Beth was right on her heels. “Just leave me alone, dammit!” Dakota yelled, spinning on her heels. “Fucking leave already! Why are you still here?”
Beth couldn’t believe her ears. Janie had warned her that Dakota might say some hurtful things, but she wasn’t prepared for this. “Dakota, it’s Beth...”
Dakota was still shouting, “I fucking know who you are! Just leave already. Bitch! I don’t need you in my life! I don’t want you in my life! I don’t love you! Never have!”
Tears welled up in Beth’s eyes.
“Why are you always fucking crying? Just leave!” Two nurses had approached and pulled Dakota back. One nurse had a syringe. Dakota knew what was coming, but she couldn’t stop yelling, “Leave me alone! All of you! Just leave me the fuck alone!” She tried to break away from the nurses, but couldn’t. The needle plunged into her arm. “See what you made them do to me? Get the fuck out!” Within seconds, the medication started to take effect. “Just leave…me…alone…” She slumped to her knees. The nurses caught her, placed her in a wheelchair, and took her back to her room.
One nurse came back out to check on Beth, who was still standing where they’d left her, stunned. “She can get nasty sometimes, especially when she doesn’t want anyone to see her. We will do our best to keep her safe, but she gets violent when she’s hallucinating, and can’t think rationally. The best thing you can do is give Dakota another day or two for the medications to work.”
“Please try and take care of her,” Beth said. She turn
ed and walked to the double security doors and waited to be let out of the locked down unit. “Remember not to take it personally,” she told herself, “It’s the illness you saw today, not Dakota.” The words still stung, but they had to be put in their place.
Later that night Beth called Janie and told her what had happened. “It was like she was a different person. Is she always that…rude? And angry? She was absolutely furious with me.”
“She can be. I tried to warn you that she can be rather spiteful and cruel when she’s in a psychotic break. But it’s not the real Dakota, it’s the illness. It’s important for you to keep the illness separate from the Dakota that you love.”
“I know, I keep telling myself that. But she said she didn’t love me, that she never has.” Beth wiped the tears from her eyes. “Why would she say that?”
“The Dakota we know and love, loves you very much. You know that, don’t you?” Janie was trying to convince Beth.
Beth sighed. “I guess, but it still hurts. I really don’t know what to believe.”
“Try not to hold it against her. Sometimes, well, even she doesn’t know what’s going to come out of her mouth, when she’s not thinking clearly.”
“I miss her. And I hope there is no truth to what she said. Thanks for letting me talk. I feel a little better.”
“Glad to be of help, Beth. Good night.”
“Good night, Janie.”
Beth hung up the phone, wandered into their bedroom, and collapsed on the bed. Great sobs of despair welled up as Beth wondered, “What have I gotten myself into? Can I stand all this turmoil that she brings into my life? I do love her with all my heart, but she drives me crazy sometimes. What am I going to do with her? Just love her, I guess.” She curled up with Dakota’s pillow and fell fast asleep, spent from the day’s upheaval.
* * * * *
A week and a half later, Dakota was released from the hospital. As they walked into the house, Dakota turned to Beth, gathered her in her arms, kissed her with everything she had, and pushed Beth towards the bedroom. “Beth, kiss me like we are lovers, like nothing has changed in our relationship. I need this from you.”
