by Karen Baker
“Wait one minute.” Beth backed away from her. “The last time I saw you, you wanted to rip my head off. What’s changed? Why the need for physical and emotional contact all of a sudden? I can’t flip a switch as easily as you. You really hurt me by saying all those harsh and terrible things.”
Dakota studied Beth for a moment. “I know I hurt you, but that was never my intention. Beth, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t even remember you being there. It wasn’t until later, when I woke up, that the nurse told me you had stopped by, and what I’d said to you. So no, I didn’t mean anything I said. When I’m there, nothing exists, in a way, not even me. I hallucinate terribly. My thoughts and imagination turn dark and I don’t understand what I see or hear. It takes days for me to trust anyone, including the doctors and nurses. I lash out physically at everyone that tries to get close, including hurting myself. I never wanted to hurt you. Besides, I’m really vulnerable in the hospital, and I just don’t want anyone to see that. I’m truly sorry for what I said. I just don’t like anyone to visit me in the hospital. I don’t want anyone to see the monster I turn into. That’s all. Please, can you forgive me?”
“You really hurt my feelings, but I think I’m beginning to understand. Janie told me that you’re not you when you are in the hospital. But please, don’t ever shut me out again. I love you and want to be there for you.”
Dakota leaned forward and kissed Beth. “I’ll try, but I can’t promise that it won’t happen again.”
Beth had a better understanding of what Dakota experienced in the hospital. She wished that Dakota never had to go through it. “Just be honest with me, let me in, and everything will eventually work out.”
“I love you, Beth. We are lovers, partners, best friends, everything to each other.”
“Oh, Dakota! All those things and more.” Beth leaned deeper into Dakota’s kiss. She let Dakota lead her to their bedroom. Beth knew what Dakota wanted and needed. She always wanted to make love after getting out of the hospital.
Passionate kisses, gentleness, caressing, and zealous sex. Dakota wanted it all. She would fill her every fiber of being with the sounds and smell of Beth. She wanted to show Beth how much she loved her. And planned to show her, all night long.
* * * * *
Beth and Dakota were sitting on the couch watching television one night, when the regular scheduled programming was interrupted for breaking news. A local mall shooting, twelve dead, countless others injured. Almost immediately, Dakota was taken back to the mosque in Al Kheem. Her mind flashed images of bodies strewn across the floor. She pictured the men, women, and children, running, trying to escape the flying bullets. The stench of the dead bodies scattered on the floor, seared her nostrils. Jumping up off the couch, she ran for the front door trying to escape the reports on the television. She needed fresh air, now. She sat down on the front porch of their home, taking deep gulps of air, trying to slow her pulse down. The visions in the mosque continued to fill her mind. Her stomach was doing flip-flops while her hands and legs trembled. There was no escaping the flashback, followed by the anxiety attack. She rocked back and forth, trying to comfort herself. Beth joined her a short time later with a wet rag in one hand, a cool glass of water in the other hand, and soft, comforting words. Dakota’s world had been turned upside down again, triggered by a mall shooting.
Beth finally broke the silence. “Want to talk about it?”
Dakota muttered, “Al Kheem all over again.”
“Enough said.” Beth wiped the back of Dakota’s neck, trying to cool her down.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to deal with all this stuff.”
“One thing at a time. We will get through them together.” Beth never pushed Dakota to talk, yet she was always there when Dakota was ready to talk.
Dakota took a sip of water. Her heart was finally starting to return to a normal rate. Time is what she needed, but she wasn’t sure if she was willing to give herself that luxury.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Time seemed to move on without any further major complications. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months. Their lives melded around each other, and before they even realized it, one year was upon them.
“Dakota, let’s celebrate our first anniversary. Let’s throw a party, a big party, and invite everyone we know.”
“You know everyone I know, so there won’t be too many people for me to ask.”
“So you’ll do it? Have a party, I mean?”
“For you, anything, my love.”
Beth was overcome with joy that Dakota had agreed with the idea. “Then if you don’t mind, I’d like to get together with Rayne and Des and plan everything. I want this to be the best anniversary celebration ever!”
Dakota couldn’t help but laugh. She thoroughly enjoyed watching Beth’s eyes fill with excitement. The idea of all those people in their house scared her, but for Beth, she would do almost anything.
A week later, there were about fifty people at the house, celebrating their first anniversary together. “We actually know this many people?” Dakota whispered in Beth’s ear.
“Isn’t it great!” Beth said excitedly. Rayne and Amy, Desiree and Eric, Janie and Robert, Valerie and her boyfriend, and several more couples that they knew, walked up and congratulated them.
‘One year of pain for Beth. You’ve done nothing but be a burden to her. Why she has stayed with you this long, is unimaginable. She can do better than you.’
Dakota retreated to the bedroom. A few moments later she returned, under the suspicious eyes of both Beth and Janie.
Later that evening, Desiree gathered everyone around Beth and Dakota. “Mom, Dakota, Eric and I have a surprise for you for your one year anniversary. You’re going to be grandmothers!”
“What!” Beth said. “Really, Des? Oh, my God, that’s wonderful!” She jumped up and hugged her daughter and son-in-law’s necks.
“That’s terrific, guys! Congratulations!” Dakota was right behind Beth with hugs. ‘You, a grandmother? You’re not even a human being! How are you supposed to be a grandparent? You’re no good for a baby!’
Everyone was very excited! There were hugs all around for the young couple, telling baby stories, and making plans for baby showers.
People took seats around the couch as Beth and Dakota opened gifts. Desiree and Eric had purchased two nights at a B&B on the coast. Rayne and Amy also purchased two nights at the same B&B. Janie and Robert purchased spa packages for them to use while at the beach. They were all set for an extra-long weekend of pampering at the beach. Several friends had also been in on the beach idea. They gave gift certificates for meals and other attractions, so most of the extended weekend was paid for already.
When it came time for Beth and Dakota to swap gifts, Dakota pulled out a small box from her vest. “Beth, with each passing day, my heart grows more and more fond of you. I can’t imagine my life without you.” Dakota handed Beth the small box. She opened it with eager anticipation. Inside was a gold and silver ring. “It’s not an engagement or wedding ring, right now, but it is a promise that one day we will get married. For now, it is a promise that you are the love of my life, and I’ll do anything you want me to do. I am yours, today, tomorrow, and for always.”
Dakota slipped the ring on Beth’s finger. It was a perfect fit.
Beth started crying tears of joy. She was so happy that Dakota had graced her life; she couldn’t imagine being this content with anyone else. She kissed and hugged Dakota with such enthusiasm, they came close to falling off the couch. Laughing, Beth recovered her composure.
“We must have shopped at the same store. I also got you something.” Beth walked over to the desk, and pulled out a little box from the same jewelry store. “Dakota, there is no one else on earth I want to spend my life with. You fill my life with joy and laughter. I am so glad Valerie introduced us. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone but you.
” Beth opened the box, and inside was a gold and silver band, almost identical to the one she had just received from Dakota. Beth slipped it on Dakota’s finger and leaned in for a hug and a kiss. “The other gift I got you will have to wait till later tonight,” she whispered in Dakota’s ear. “Private viewing only.” Just the idea of “private viewing” made Dakota blush.
The thought of Beth doing something outside of her comfort zone made Dakota laugh with delight. Beth was constantly surprising her during their first year together. Beth looked forward to what the future would hold.
But, in the here and now, things were starting to overwhelm Dakota. The voices had been persistent all evening. Everywhere she turned, the voices were there. She couldn’t get away from them. Her heart started racing, her mind was flying in many directions at once, and her hands began shaking uncontrollably. Her breathing became shallow and rapid, and her ears started pounding. It was time. She couldn’t stand being around people any longer. She had to get away.
The voices were teasing her relentlessly, and always saying the same things. ‘You worthless piece of shit. You don’t deserve to live. It would be better for everyone, if you just killed yourself. A real partner would kill herself and let Beth get on with her life. Beth would be better off without you. You’re not a partner, you’re barely a person.’ Dakota disappeared into the bedroom by herself. Again, this didn’t go unnoticed by Beth or Janie.
Half an hour later, Beth walked over to Janie. “What should I do?”
“It’s the voices. I could tell by the look on her face. Go to her, be with her, let her know that you’re there and aren’t going anywhere. I think she needs to be with you right now. I’ll get the girls to help me shut the party down. It is getting rather late, so that shouldn’t be too hard.”
Beth gave Janie a quick hug. “Thanks. Tell everyone…well, tell them thank you from both of us. I think everyone will understand.”
She headed off to the bedroom to find her lover. She needed to be with Dakota right now, as much as Dakota needed her. “Sweetheart, I’m here.”
Dakota was in the bathroom again. Beth immediately knew it was bad. She leaned against the bathroom doorframe and waited for Dakota. Dakota had the dry heaves. Beth reached for a towel. They had been down this path before. She knew what to do this time, and she instantly knew that Dakota wasn’t taking her meds. She wondered how long it had been this time. Dakota was stubborn. When she didn’t feel like taking her medications, she would just stop, and not tell anyone. That was the one thing that drove Beth to her wits’ end. Dakota wouldn’t even take her meds for her.
“So loud…can’t think straight…so very cold…” She heaved again.
“Relax, Dakota, let it come.”
“When I get…where I’m going…don’t cry for me…I’m moving on…”
“Dakota…what do you mean, sweetheart?”
Dakota remained quiet. The dry heaves hit her hard, again. Minutes later, Dakota passed out on the floor. Beth ran to her side. “Oh, my God! I’m right here, sweetheart,” she whispered. She knew she wouldn’t be able to handle this alone. She hoped someone was still here. “Help! Someone, help!” she screamed. Janie and Robert came running into the bathroom. “She passed out. I don’t know what to do!”
“I’ll call an ambulance. Robert, see if you and Beth can get her on the bed.” Janie thought to herself, “God, Dakota, what did you do?” She reached for her cell phone and headed back to the living room. Even she had never seen Dakota this bad before, but this wasn’t the first time Dakota tried to kill herself.
After the phone calls, Janie headed back to the bedroom. “Beth? You need to prepare yourself for what is about to happen. It’s going to get really ugly. She’s going to resist like you’ve never seen before, if she wakes up.”
“What do you mean “if she wakes up”?”
Janie reached for the empty prescription bottle with the label pulled off. There was no way of telling what the bottle held, or when Dakota had taken them. “Beth, she overdosed.” Janie waited for Beth’s response. She wasn’t sure how Beth was going to take this news. “I’ve called the ambulance and the hospital. The doctors are waiting for her. They’ve been through this with her before. They know what to do, but you need to prepare yourself. This is only going to get worse.”
“Why would she do something like that?”
Janie walked over and took Beth in her arms. “It’s probably the voices telling her what to do.”
She was shaking so hard. “My God, what if she doesn’t make it? What am I going to do? Why would she do something like this, especially today?” Time was moving too quickly.
“We’ll go to the hospital. When she wakes up, we’ll find out more.”
Beth never left Dakota’s side. She whispered things in Dakota’s ear, encouraging her to wake up, telling her everything was going to be okay, and that she wouldn’t leave her.
The paramedics arrived and loaded Dakota onto the stretcher. The police questioned Beth, asking her if she knew what Dakota had taken. She didn’t know. The paramedics told Beth and Janie to follow them to the hospital, that it was best for Beth not to ride with them. Dakota might get violent, and they didn’t want Beth to witness it.
But Dakota didn’t wake up. She remained unconscious. When they got to the hospital, the doctors were waiting for them, just like Janie said they would be. They reassured Beth and Janie that they would do everything they could for Dakota, and left them in the waiting room.
As they sat and waited, Janie never let go of Beth. Hours later, a doctor came out to talk to them. “Dakota finally woke up.” They both sighed in relief. “But…”
Janie wasn’t ready for this. “But…what?”
“She slipped into a coma. I’m sorry.”
Beth was confused. “W…what…what do you mean “a coma”? Janie, what’s going on?”
The doctor continued, “We’re not sure what she took, but we neutralized whatever it was. She was awake and started talking, then all of a sudden her vitals dropped. She fell unconscious and slipped into the coma. We got her vital signs back up, but she still hasn’t come to. I’m not sure when that will happen.”
Beth just stared at the doctor. It was like he was speaking a foreign language. All she really heard was that her lover was in a coma, and they weren’t sure when she would awaken. “Can I please see her?”
“As soon as we get her settled into the ICU. That should take about an hour. I’ll be in the back with her until then. If there is anything you need, please let us know.”
“Thank you, Doctor Monroe,” Janie said.
Beth sank into the chair. She started to hyperventilate. “What in God’s name is happening, Janie?”
“Beth, breathe. I’m not sure myself. I didn’t see this coming.” Janie couldn’t believe her ears either. She tried not to blame herself, but she knew Dakota like the back of her hand, and she should have seen this coming. Janie knew something was up, due to all of Dakota’s visits to the bedroom during the party. She took a deep breath and regained her composure. Beth and Dakota needed her right now, that’s all that mattered. “Can I call Rayne for you? Let them know what’s happening? See if she will come?”
“Please. Take my phone, the number is in there.” “This is a nightmare. This can’t be happening,” Beth thought to herself. She felt the hot tears on her face. She was crying. She couldn’t lose Dakota, not today, it was their anniversary.
“The girls will be here as soon as they can.” That’s when Janie felt tears in her own eyes. She tried to hold them back, but she couldn’t. Robert was right there. He took her hand and sat with her. The last time she had cried like this, was when they found out about Shelby. He was worried, but he just let her cry. He would be there for her, no matter what happened. She had been there for him, now it was time for him to return the gift.
Rayne and Amy busted through the doors. “God, Mom, are you okay? What’s going on? Janie said that Dakota was in the hospital, that I
needed to get here as soon as possible.”
Beth wasn’t sure her legs would hold her, but she got up and rushed into Rayne’s open arms. “Oh, Rayne, she’s in a coma. They’re not sure when she’ll wake up.”
“Shit. What happened, Mom?”
Beth eased herself back down onto the chair. “She took an overdose. Janie thinks the voices were too strong for her to handle. What if she dies, Rayne? What am I going to do? I can’t lose her; I just found her.” She started to cry uncontrollably, her body racked with sobs. Her mind was running wild with all kinds of horrible thoughts, thoughts of losing Dakota. “She just can’t die.”
Rayne thought back to when her father died. It very nearly killed her mom when he passed, how was she going to handle losing Dakota? She told herself not to go there, that Dakota was going to make it, she just had to make it. Dakota was her friend; she looked up to her, since she came into her life. “You have to think positive, Mom. Dakota is strong, she can pull out of this. Give her a chance.”
Beth, Rayne and Amy, and Janie and Robert, sat there quietly, each with their own thoughts. Time seemed to stand still. Shortly later, the doctor reappeared. “She’s settled. Her vitals keep dropping. She’s very unstable right now. You can go upstairs to see her, but only for a few minutes. It’s going to be a long night for her.”
Outside the ICU doors, Janie looked at Beth. “Brace yourself for what you about to see. It’s not going to be easy.”
As they walk through the doors, Beth noticed Dakota right away. She gasped. Dakota was intubated, IVs in both arms, EKG wires all over. This was her lover, how could this be happening? Beth ran to the bedside and grabbed Dakota’s hand. “Dakota, I’m right here, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.” The tears flowed freely now. She wasn’t concerned about what the others thought; her thoughts were only of Dakota. “Janie, can she hear me? Does she understand that I’m here?”
