by Karen Baker
Janie had Dakota’s other hand. She, too, was crying. “I believe so. Just talk to her. Let her know that everything is going to be fine.” She took a deep breath and steadied herself.
Beth continued to talk to Dakota, reassuring her that she was going to be fine, asking her to fight with all her might to come back to her. “I can’t live without you. Please, Dakota, please fight.” At that moment, Dakota started seizing. “Dakota!” Beth screamed. Several nurses converged on Dakota.
One nurse told them it was time to go. “Please let me stay, she needs me,” Beth begged.
The nurse told them again that she wasn’t stable enough, that it was going to be a long, hard night for Dakota. She directed them to the ICU waiting room. There were recliners and chairs there if they wanted to stay.
In the ICU waiting room, they sat and waited. Beth finally looked at the group. “You all go home. I’m going to stay. I need to be here in case something happens to her, and I would like to be alone.”
Rayne looked at Janie. “Is that a good idea, leaving her here alone?”
“I think it’s the only thing she wants right now. I’ll stay close to the phone. The doctors will call me if anything happens to Dakota. Beth needs time to adjust to what has happened. It’s going to be a long, hard night for them both.”
Rayne told her mom to call if she needed anything. “I can be here within minutes.”
“I’ll be okay, and so will Dakota. Now go home with that woman of yours and get some sleep.” She kissed Rayne and Amy good night.
Janie and Robert stood. “I don’t think it’s wise for you to be alone tonight, but I respect your decision. I’m just a phone call away.”
“Thanks. I know. And thank you for all of your help tonight. I don’t think we would have made it without your support. Good night.” She watched them walk out the door, hand in hand. This sight made her sad. Would she ever get that chance with Dakota again? Would she ever hear her voice again? Make love to her again? Her mind raced with thoughts of things they would never do again. “Enough of that. You’ve got to stay positive for Dakota.” She curled up in one of the recliners. She sat there, numb, staring off into space. It was going to be a long night.
* * * * *
Sometime during the night, Beth had fallen asleep. She awoke to a nurse gently shaking her hand. She sat up with a jolt. “Dakota! Is she all right?”
“She’s out of trouble for now. You can go in and see her if you want. You’ve got an hour.”
Beth jumped out of the recliner and headed into Dakota’s room. Beth thought she would be awake, but she wasn’t. Dakota still just lay there. She pulled a chair up next to the bed and stroked her lover’s face. She had never seen Dakota so still, even when she watched her sleep, there was always movement. Until now, that is. Beth talked to her quietly, whispering so only her lover could hear her. She stroked her hair, held her hand, never letting go of her hand as she talked. Beth looked up and saw Janie standing in the doorway. “How long have you been here?”
Janie choked back a sob. “Long enough to know how much you really love her. She’s very special, isn’t she?” Janie walked over to the bedside and picked up Dakota’s other hand and stroked it gently.
“It’s good to see you, Janie.”
“The doctor called me this morning, told me it was a rough night. How are you doing?”
Beth rolled her neck around, trying to loosen the knots. “Stiff, but okay. I was just telling her about the long night in the chair. They don’t sleep that bad, but I can stand not to do it again. I was talking about all the fun we had last night at the party, before all this happened. Janie, I’m really worried. My mind had been going non-stop about all the things that can go wrong. I’m so scared that I’m going to lose her.”
Janie went into therapist mode. “That’s normal, honey. That’s what minds do, they play tricks with us. But you must get past the negative thoughts. Staying in the present is crucial. Don’t try to judge the way you’re thinking right now. You’re doing great. Just keep reminding yourself of the good times to come. She’ll pull out of this.”
“You’re right, of course, but it’s hard. I want to slap her one minute, then hold her tight the next. I’m so mad at her, but I can’t stay angry. I just want her to wake up.”
“She will, when it’s time. Just keep talking to her the way you were. She’ll hear you. I’ll leave you two alone for now. Call me if you need me.”
Beth sat there and continued to talk to Dakota. Finally, the nurse came over and told her it was time for her to leave. Beth bent down and kissed Dakota. “I’ll be back shortly, sweetheart. Please, keep fighting for us. I love you.”
* * * * *
Three days later, there was no change in Dakota. Beth spent every night at the hospital and she spent every hour she could with Dakota. People came and went, hanging around, telling stories about Dakota, bringing food and other items Beth needed. Finally, Beth stood up. “Rayne, take me home.”
“Okay.”
Rayne drove in silence. She had never seen this side of her mother before. She wasn’t sure what to say, so she didn’t say anything. She pulled into the driveway and cut the engine.
“Thank you. Can you please come back in a couple of hours to get me? I don’t want to miss this afternoon with Dakota.”
“Sure, Mom.”
Beth shut the car door and walked off towards the house. She let herself in and closed the door behind her. She sank to her knees and cried. She was home, alone, without Dakota. “Is this how empty the house sounded without Dakota?” she thought to herself. Would she ever get used to the emptiness again? “Oh, dear God, I can’t stand to lose another partner. Please, Dakota, fight for me, for us.” She had been crying awhile when she got up, steadied herself, and walked into the bedroom. She noticed the house had been cleaned. Probably Rayne and Desiree. Even the bathroom was clean. “I need a long, hot shower.”
After her shower, she dressed in clean, fresh clothes. Just this simple act made her feel better. Rayne was sitting on the couch when she walked out of the bedroom. “Wow, Mom, you look better.”
“I feel better. Are you ready?”
They talked as Rayne drove them back to the hospital. Her mother really did look better, and sounded better too. “Rayne, thank you for all of your support. I couldn’t do this without you.”
“You’re welcome, Mom. We’ll get through this, you’ll see.”
“I wish I had your attitude. The longer she goes without waking up, the harder it will be for her to wake up. The nurses and doctors have prepared me for the worst. But as long as she is alive, there’s a chance, so I’m not going to give up on her now.”
“That’s the spirit.”
They reached the hospital and made their way back to the ICU waiting room. Janie was standing there waiting for them. “Beth, it’s Dakota. She moved her hand.”
“Oh, my God! Is she awake?”
“No, not yet, but the nurses told me she moved.”
“That’s great!” Beth hurried over to the nursing station. “Can I please go in and see her? I need to see her.”
“All right, but just you, and for five minutes only.”
She didn’t waste any time getting back there. She took Dakota’s hand. “Dakota, it’s me, sweetheart. Can you hear me?” She waited, but received no response. “Please, Dakota; I need to know if you’re okay. Please give me something.”
Then it came, a gentle squeeze. Dakota’s hand tightened around hers. Beth screamed. “She moved! I felt it!”
The nurse rushed over. “Dakota, can you hear me?” She raised Dakota’s eyelid and passed a light over her eye. “Her pupil is responding. Call Doctor Monroe. I think she is waking up.”
“Dakota, sweetheart, fight, with everything you have, fight. I’m right here.”
That’s when it happened. Dakota’s eyes twitched open, just for a moment. “That’s it, keep trying. You can do it, sweetheart.”
Slowly, Dakota opened
her eyes again. Beth stood there, with a grin on her face and tears in her eyes. She was coming out of it.
“Don’t try to talk or move,” the nurse said. “You’ve been out of it for a while. Just lie still.”
Dakota blinked a few times, then opened her eyes wide. Beth was standing right there. “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere,” Beth tried to reassure her. “You’re in the hospital; everything is going to be okay. Just hold on, sweetheart.”
Doctor Monroe entered the room. “Good to see you again, Beth, Dakota.” He did a quick examination of Dakota. “Give us a just a few more minutes, then I think that breathing tube can come out. Sound good to you?”
Dakota blinked her eyes and squeezed Beth’s hand.
The nurse asked Beth if she would like her to tell the rest of the family what had happened, and if there was anyone that she wanted to join her. “Please, yes. Have Janie come back. I’m sure she wants to be here for this.”
A few minutes , Janie burst through the door. “Beth, Dakota? Is it true?”
“Come see for yourself.”
Dakota looked over at Janie and blinked. “Oh, my God. It’s good to see you again. You gave us quite a scare.”
“If you two would excuse us, we’re going to remove the breathing tube and run a few tests,” Doctor Monroe said.
“We’ll be right outside, okay, Dakota?” Beth squeezed her hand and Dakota blinked back.
They sat outside in the waiting room again, for what seemed like an eternity to Beth. “What’s taking them so long?”
“They’re probably testing her brain function. That would be my guess. Remember, she’s been out for three days. There might be damage like the doctor warned us about.” Janie was right. The only thing Beth could do right now was pace the floor and wait.
“You can go back in now,” the nurse said. “But prepare yourself.”
Beth rushed back; she had to see Dakota for herself. Beth stopped in her tracks. It was Dakota, sitting up in bed. Beth gasped for air. “Beth, breathe,” it was barely a whisper, but it was Dakota.
“Oh, dear God, Dakota, I thought I had lost you.” She ran to her side. She took Dakota’s face in her hands and kissed her. Dakota responded. Tears trickled down her face, this time though, they were tears of joy. Her Dakota was back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Beth brushed the strands of hair that had fallen into Dakota’s face.
“I’m fine, stop fussing,” Dakota said, swatting at Beth’s hand.
“Sweetheart, you’re just home from the hospital, I’m supposed to fuss over you. Can I get you anything?”
“Beth, I love you to death, but you’re driving me crazy!”
Beth had to laugh. It was so good to have Dakota back. She curled up next to Dakota on the couch. She had to know why. “Talk to me, please? Try to explain why? Why on our anniversary?”
Dakota shifted, knowing this was coming. There was no way around this conversation. “It wasn’t because of the date. I just couldn’t take any more. All the people, the voices, music, it was too much. I don’t know, Beth. I…well…it just seemed like the right thing to do. I was so happy, but so very sad. I couldn’t control the voices. They were so ugly, saying bad things. Nagging me, egging me on.” She took a couple of deep breaths. “Thoughts of you leaving me. I just thought all of this was over. Us.” She pulled Beth closer to her. “The voices…very convincing…so out of hand…it was the only thing I thought I could do to stop them, to stop the pain. Does this make any sense?”
“Some. I can’t say I understand the voices, but I understand that you were under their control.”
Dakota nodded in agreement. “Yeah, I was. I tried hard to keep a wise mind about what they were saying, but I guess I was too susceptible to their influence this time. I felt open and vulnerable. I was so overwhelmed, I let my defenses down.”
With nothing left to say, they sat quietly on the couch for a while, soaking up the love the other offered.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #1018
I don’t know why Beth stays with me. I mean, I know she loves me, but after what I put her through? I would never forgive her if she put me through that. I guess she is just a stronger person than me. I’m ashamed of what I did, but I would do it again if I had to. It seems like there is no end in sight to what I’m going through. If there were at least a light at the end of the tunnel, that wasn’t a freight train, I could probably make it, but since there is no end in sight, why continue to fight?
I think back to the announcement from Des and Eric at the anniversary party, about expecting a baby. Beth and I are going to be grandmothers. I don’t know anything about babies! How am I supposed to be a grandmother? I’ve never even been around a baby. They are so small, and smell so funny, and I’m so hard-core Marine Corps. I have never wanted children, much less grandchildren, and now I’m going to have both! What in the world is a marine to do? Suck it up I guess. But I’m still nervous as hell about it.
Roger, out.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Weeks later, Dakota sat quietly in Janie’s office. Her mind was speeding out of control, but today, she noticed the grief on Janie’s face. Janie started as usual, “Tell me about your week.”
Today was the day she had long dreaded. Today she would tell Janie about the incident in Iraq, and exactly what happened to Shell. She knew Janie had lots of questions. Janie truly believed that there was a greater reason for her son’s death. What were the circumstances of his death? Did she really want to know? Shelby was Janie’s only child, and she deserved to know. Dakota held the answers to those questions.
Knowing that Dakota was with her son when he’d died, had drawn Janie to her even more. But Janie knew that Dakota needed to talk about it just as much as Janie needed to listen. Dakota’s illness was what Janie was really there for. Right now, Janie was the only reality that Dakota wanted.
“Janie, we need to talk.”
Janie noticed the way Dakota was sitting still, and the seriousness in her voice. There was something on her mind. “What’s going on in that mind of yours?” Janie wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk about.
She took a deep breath. “I can see the pain on your face. You’re not the only one who watches. We need to talk about Shell. It’s time, I’m ready.”
“Are you sure? I mean…are you really sure, Dakota?”
“I have my reasons, but yes, I’m sure.”
“Okay then. Just a few reminders though. This is probably going to be very painful for you. I know you shared the story with Laura upstairs, but this is me. It’s going to be different, so…just remember to breathe, stay focused on the here and now, and take your time.” Janie was really worried about how Dakota was going to handle talking about what happened. Dakota had been through a lot recently, with the overdose and hospitalizations, but Janie’s curiosity got the best of her. She hoped she was ready to hear what Dakota had to say, but she wasn’t sure. She trembled.
“It started out like any other day. We had worked out at the weight room then, headed off to breakfast. Shell was telling some silly jokes like he always did, to lighten the moods of everyone around. After morning debriefing, we got our assignments for the day. It was a quiet day, nothing spectacular happened, just the normal run-ins with the locals. After ten hours on patrol, we eventually headed back to camp. When we got back, we started a soccer game. It was eerie quiet, just the sound of us on the dirt, playing. There were no sirens; the RPGs came out of nowhere. They landed right in the middle of the playing field. I was thrown back about fifteen feet. We were all stunned. When I finally came to, I was bleeding, I had been hit.” Dakota paused, trying to relax her clenched fists.
Janie gently reminded her, “Breathe. Slow down. Just breathe.”
“Right. Again, when I came to, I noticed I was hit, everything slowed down. Everyone was running, but they were in slow motion. I looked around and saw total chaos. My ears were ringing, there was the smell of smoke, b
lood invaded my mouth and nostrils. Then I noticed Shell on my left. I crawled over to him.” Dakota looked at Janie. There were tears in her eyes. “Janie, do you want me to continue?”
She nodded. She had to hear what Dakota had to say.
Dakota continued, “It was bad. He was bleeding from his head, his chest. They later determined that we were five feet from where a few of the RPGs landed. Anyway, I crawled over to him, cradled him in my arms, and told him I was right there. He said he was cold. Said he couldn’t feel anything else, there was no pain. I told him that he was going to be fine, just to hang in there while the medics got to him. “Can’t,” he said, it was his time and he was ready. He started shaking; his body was closing down on him. He was whispering, “Tell Mom and Dad I’m sorry. I love them.” I pulled him closer. I just wanted him to feel like he wasn’t alone.” Dakota wiped the tears from her face. “Both of us were covered in blood. I didn’t know where I ended or where he started. I just cradled him. “Tell Mom…I love her.” He closed his eyes, took one final breath, and he was gone. Just like that. Just…gone. When the medics finally got to us, I wouldn’t let go. I couldn’t…let go. He was my best friend.” Dakota lowered her head to her knees. The tears were flowing, she couldn’t breathe. Her body shook with tears, guilt, and fear. Though her physical wounds had long since healed, the mental ones were being ripped wide open again. She felt Janie take her in her arms, and together they cried the tears of grief, that for so long, had been put aside.
As Janie regained her composure, the words of a counselor came back to her. “You did a great thing, Dakota. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am. I’m sorry you are hurting from all this, but with pain and life experience comes introspection, wisdom, and growth. Look at it from a different angle; it is part of what makes us better than we were. You can choose to beat yourself up for what you think you should have done, or what you wish you could have done differently. Or you can take those experiences and outcomes, learn from them, and apply them to better or different decision making in the future, hopefully ones with better outcomes. It is part of being human. As humans, we are not infallible, and we work with a limited set of tools. We do the best we can with what we have at that particular point in time. You are not going crazy. And while I know you miss Shelby, the very best way to honor his life, is to take all that you have learned and apply it to your decision making, now and in the future. Be kind to yourself; do not allow that past to prevent you from being your best in the future. Forgiveness is a powerful thing.” Janie rocked with her and they both cried some more.
