Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  DYED IN THE WOOL

  Meaning: Dedicated, committed, uncompromising.

  Origin: From the textile trade. “It was discovered that yarn that’s dyed ‘in the wool’—before being woven—retained its color better than yarn that was dyed ‘in the piece,’ i.e. after being woven.” So if something’s dyed-in-the-wool, it’s unlikely to change. (From Getting to the Roots, by Martin Manser)

  GET YOUR DUCKS LINED UP IN A ROW

  Meaning: Get organized, ready for action.

  Origin: Refers to setting up bowling pins—which were called duckpins in early America, because people thought they looked like ducks.

  FIRST RATE

  Meaning: The very best.

  Origin: “In the 1600s a system for rating British naval ships according to their size and strength was developed. There were six different ratings, with a warship of the first rate being the largest and most heavily armed and one of the sixth rate being considerably smaller and having far fewer guns.” The general public picked up the phrase right away, using it for anything topnotch. (From Why You Say It, by Webb Garrison)

  Unemployment stat: Nevada has more out-of-work dancers than any other state.

  START YOUR OWN

  COUNTRY

  Ever wondered what it’d be like to be king—or president—of your own country? Here are some people who found out.

  ATLANTIS

  Founding Father: J. L. Mott, a Danish sea captain History: In 930 A.D., Leif Ericson, a Viking explorer, discovered some Caribbean islands he mistook for remnants of the lost continent of Atlantis. In 1934, claiming to be Ericson’s descendant, Mott declared himself the rightful heir to the islands, which he could not locate but believed “were somewhere near Panama.” He drafted a one-page constitution and began issuing passports and triangle-shaped postage stamps.

  What Happened: The International Postal Union refused to recognize Mott’s postage stamps. Then, in 1936, Mott was almost arrested for trying to enter the United States using an Atlantis passport. By 1954 the elusive country had been renamed the Empire of Atlantis and Lemuria. Despite the country’s fancy new name, however, all attempts to actually locate it have failed.

  GRANBIA

  Founding Father: Andrew Richardson, a Liverpool postal worker

  History: In the 1970s, Richardson declared his semi-detached flat to be the independent nation of Granbia (the rest of the building remained a part of the United Kingdom).

  What Happened: He lost interest, and the apartment reverted to England by default.

  NEW ATLANTIS

  Founding Father: Leicester Hemingway, little brother of author Ernest Hemingway

  History: In 1964 he built an 8-by-30-foot floating bamboo platform seven miles off the coast of Jamaica, anchoring it to the ocean floor with a Ford engine block. “I can stand on the platform, walk around on it, and salute the flag, all of which I do periodically,” Hemingway bragged to reporters. “There are no taxes here, because taxes are for people not smart enough to start their own countries.”

  1950s nostalgia: Howdy Doody’s sister’s name was Heidi Doody.

  What Happened: Part of the country was destroyed by fishermen in search of scrap wood; the rest sank in a storm.

  HUTT RIVER PROVINCE PRINCIPALITY

  Founding Father: “Prince” Leonard George Casely, an Australian wheat farmer

  History: When the Western Australia Wheat Quota Board limited the amount of wheat he could grow in 1969, Casely and his 18,500-acre farm seceded. He designed his own national flag and motto, printed his own money, and set up his own parliament.

  What Happened: Australia refused to recognize his sovereignty, so in 1977 he declared war. Nothing came of it—he backed down two days later and re-established diplomatic relations. Casely claims he pays no Australian taxes, but admits he makes payments to the Australian government as an “international courtesy.”

  ISLE OF THE ROSES

  Founding Father: Giorgio Rosa, an Italian engineering professor

  History: Rosa built a tower in the Adriatic Sea large enough to contain a bar, restaurant, and post office, and declared independence from Italy.

  What Happened: The Italian government ignored him at first—but after a while they invaded the tower and blew it up.

  SOLAR ATLANTIC EMPIRE

  Founding Father: David Owen, a writer for the Atlantic Monthly

  History: Owen wanted to form his own country but couldn’t find any available land. So he took possession of the sun, one of the last unclaimed territories in the solar system. He backed up his claim by writing a letter to the U.S. State Department asking for official recognition. “The sun should now be referred to as the Solar Atlantic Empire,” he wrote, “and I, henceforth, will be known as Lord High Suzerain of Outer Space.”

  What Happened: The State Department wrote back saying that it was unable to consider his application.

  The Columbia University football team’s mascot, Leo the Lion, inspired the MGM lion.

  FAMOUS

  FOR 15 MINUTES

  Here it is again—our feature based on Andy Warhol’s prophetic comment that “in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.” Here’s how a few people are using up their allotted quarter-hour.

  THE STAR: Angelyne (she won’t tell anyone her real name)

  THE HEADLINE: Blonde Bimbo’s Billboards Bring Big Bonus

  WHAT HAPPENED: In 1981 Angelyne—an out-of-work busty blonde—began posting billboards of herself all over L.A. (they simply said Angelyne, and listed a phone number) and distributing hot-pink press releases (describing her as “a living icon, Hollywood billboard queen, the new Love Goddess of the Future!”) from her pink Corvette. Later she had an 85-foot-high likeness of herself painted on the side of a building at Hollywood and Vine.

  The result: She made more than 250 media appearances, including bit parts in films like Earth Girls Are Easy and L.A. Story. Her billboard appeared in the opening montage of “Moonlighting” and in an issue of National Geographic.

  THE AFTERMATH: She never made it as a sex symbol, but has come to represent, as one writer put it, “raw fame, unsullied by any known talent, charm, or accomplishments.” She doesn’t mind. “I’m the first person in the history of Hollywood to be famous for doing nothing,” she says, and adds: “I really don’t want to be famous for being an actress. I just want to be famous for the magic I possess.”

  THE STAR: Larry Villella

  THE HEADLINE: 14-Year-Old Chips in to Cut Deficit

  WHAT HAPPENED: In February 1993, President Clinton was trying to drum up support for his “deficit-reduction plan.” So Larry Villella, a 14-year-old from Fargo, North Dakota, sent the White House $1,000 (money he earned watering trees) to help pay it off.

  Somehow, the media found out about Larry’s check before it got to Washington—and every U.S. news service reported it as a major story. Larry was an instant celebrity. He was invited to appear on network TV talk shows, where he told interviewers his story—and got a chance to plug a tree-watering gizmo he’d invented.

  General Douglas MacArthur’s mother dressed him in skirts until he was eight years old.

  THE AFTERMATH: He inspired people all over the U.S. One San Francisco man even sent the White House 375 lbs. of coins (about $500) he’d been saving. As for Larry’s check: Clinton sent it back with a note that said: “I am very impressed with your concern...but I cannot accept your money.” (Bonus: Bill Cosby sent Larry $2,000 as “a thank-you on behalf of the American people.”)

  THE STAR: Keron Thomas, a 16-year-old New York student

  THE HEADLINE: New York Youth Takes A-Train on Joyride

  WHAT HAPPENED: On May 8, 1993, a man carrying a set of motorman’s tools and a Transit Authority identification signed in at New York City’s subway trainyard. “I’m the substitute man,” he said. “Got anything for me?” They did—an A train.

  The only problem: he wasn’t the substitute man—and wasn’t even a transit employee. He was Keron Thom
as, a high school sophomore.

  Thomas drove his train the length of Manhattan and all the way to Queens, carrying an estimated 2,000 passengers and making 85 stops along the way (he was even on schedule). The trip was so uneventful that he probably would have gotten away with it...until he took a turn too fast and set off the emergency brakes. He escaped before they learned his true identity, but investigators arrested him two days later.

  THE AFTERMATH: He pled guilty to three misdemeanors and was sentenced to three years’ probation. Why such a light sentence? As The New York Times said, authorities were “wary of punishing a folk hero.” As he left the courtroom, he declared: “I’m going to be a train engineer.”

  THE STAR: Don Calhoun

  THE HEADLINE: Lucky Fan Hits $1 Million Shot in Chicago

  WHAT HAPPENED: On April 14, 1993, a 23-year-old office supply salesman named Don Calhoun got a free ticket to an NBA game between the Miami Heat and the Chicago Bulls.

  As Calhoun headed for his seat at the game, someone told him he’d been picked to take the “Million Dollar Shot” (a promotion sponsored by Coca-Cola and a local restaurant chain). He’d get to shoot a basket. The prize: $1 million. Eighteen people had already tried and failed. (Why was he picked? His shoes: the Bulls marketing representative loved his yellow suede hiking boots.)

  A married man is four times more likely to die during sex if his partner isn’t his wife.

  At first he didn’t want to do it—he even suggested that his friend make the shot instead. But the Bulls representative insisted. “I thought she was crazy,” Calhoun told reporters. “But she ran after me, so I shrugged and said ‘Okay.’” During a time-out early in the third period, he was brought to the floor. He took one dribble, launched the ball, and...basket!

  THE AFTERMATH: Just about every sportscaster in the country carried Calhoun’s Cinderella story on the news that night. He also did radio interviews, TV shows, even NBC’s “Today” show. But a few days later, the bubble burst: It turned out Calhoun had played 11 games of college basketball, and the rules stipulated that no one who’d played in college could participate. But the ensuing publicity was so bad that Coke, the owner of the Bulls, and the restaurant all assured him he’d get his money anyway.

  THE STAR: Holden Hollom

  THE HEADLINE: Frisco Cabbie Nabs Runaway Crook

  WHAT HAPPENED: On a June night in 1989, Hollom, a 51-year-old San Francisco cabbie (and former stunt driver) was driving a fare up Market Street, when he saw someone knock down a woman and steal her purse. He gave chase, yelling to his surprised passenger, “You’re riding for free!”

  He cornered the purse snatcher (a 212-lb. ex-convict) in an alley. To keep him from running away, he pinned him to the wall with his cab bumper. Newspapers all over the country reported the citizen’s arrest as an example of what’s right about America, and lauded Hollom for getting involved. He appeared on every major talk show, including “Larry King” and “Donahue.”

  AFTERMATH: The crook had to undergo three operations on his legs, and in 1992 sued Hollom for using excessive force. When he won, and was awarded $24,500 by a jury, the verdict got as much attention as the original incident. It generated more than $100,000 from outraged sympathizers who felt the cabbie had been shafted. (The verdict was later overturned.) Fleeting fame: Hollom later ran for the S.F. Board of Supervisors, but came in 19th in a field of 26 candidates.

  New Hampshire allows boys to be married at 14 and girls at 13—with parental permission.

  WHAT DOES IT SAY?

  Here’s a game where the position of words and letters is part of the sentence. See if you can figure out what these say. If you need a sample answer, check out the Hints at the end of the last column. Answers on page 661.

  1. A letter was addressed to:

  WOOD

  JOHN

  MASS

  Who got it; where did they live?

  2. I thought I heard a noise outside, but it was

  ALL 0

  3. Let’s have STANDING

  AN

  4. LOOK

  LOOK U LOOK

  LOOK

  5. “Remember,” she said to the group,

  WE WESTAND FALL

  6. “Why’d he do that?” Jesse asked. “Well, son,” I said, he’s a DKI

  7. Texas? I love

  S P A C E S

  8. “Drat! My watch broke.” Time to get it RE-RE

  9. “I remember the 1960s,” she said, GNIKOOL

  10. No, we’re not living together anymore. It’s a

  L E G A L

  11. Haven’t seen him in a while. He’s

  FAR HOME

  12. Careful, I warned my sister. He’s a WOWOLFOL

  13. “How do I get out of here?” he asked. I said, “Just calm down and put the

  R A C

  14. I tried to teach her, but no luck. I guess she’s a

  DLIHC

  15. When it’s raining...

  AN UMBRELLA

  SHEME

  HINTS (if you need them):

  • The answer to #1 is John Underwood, Andover Mass (JOHN under WOOD and over MASS)

  • Answer to #14: I guess she’s a backward child. (DLIHC is child spelled backward.)

  The Great Salt Lake is only 13 feet deep.

  A FOOD IS BORN

  These foods are fairly common, but you’ve probably never wondered where they come from, have you? Doesn’t matter. We’ll tell you anyway.

  CAMPBELL SOUP. Arthur Dorrance and his nephew, Dr. John Thompson Dorrance, took over the Campbell canning company when its founder, Joseph Campbell, retired in 1894. A few years later they perfected a method of condensing tomato soup—which made it cheaper to package and ship—but they couldn’t decide on a design for the label. That Thanksgiving, company employee Herberton L. Williams went to a football game between Cornell and the University of Pennsylvania. He was impressed with Cornell’s new red and white uniforms—and suggested to his bosses that they use those colors on the label. They did.

  WHEATIES. Invented in 1921 by a Minneapolis health spa owner who fed his patients homemade bran gruel to keep them regular and help them lose weight. One day he spilled some on the stove, and it hardened into a crust. He was going to throw it out, but decided to eat it instead. To his surprise, the flakes he scraped off the stove tasted better than the stuff in the pot...so he made more and showed them to a friend at the Washburn Crosby Company (predecessor to General Mills). People at the company liked the flakes too, but didn’t like the way they crumbled. So they came up with a better one using wheat. Once they had a flake they were satisfied with, they held a company-wide contest to name the product. Jane Bausman, the wife of a company executive, suggested Wheaties.

  PEPPERIDGE FARM. One of Margaret Rudkin’s sons suffered from severe asthma, a condition that became worse when he ate processed food. She couldn’t find any bread that didn’t make him ill, so in 1935 she started baking him stone-ground whole wheat bread. One day she brought a loaf to the boy’s doctor; he liked it so much he began recommending it to other patients. After building up a small mail-order business to local asthmatics and allergy-sufferers, she expanded her customer base to include people who weren’t sick—and named her company after the family’s 125-acre farm in Connecticut, Pepperidge Farm.

  That’s progress: Jimmy Carter was the first president born in a hospital.

  LOG CABIN SYRUP. Invented in 1887 by P. J. Towle, a St. Paul, Minnesota, grocer who wanted to combine the flavor of maple syrup with the affordability of sugar syrup. He planned to name his creation after his boyhood hero, Abraham Lincoln, but there were already so many Lincoln products that he named it after the president’s birthplace instead. It sold in tin containers shaped like log cabins until World War II, when metal shortages forced the company to switch to glass bottles.

  BROWN ’N SERVE ROLLS. Invented accidentally by Joe Gregor, a Florida baker and volunteer firefighter. One morning the fire alarm sounded while Gregor was baking some rolls,
and he had to pull them out of the oven half-baked to go fight the fire. He was about to throw them out when he got back, but he decided to finish baking them, to see if they were still good. They were.

  SANKA. Dr. Ludwig Roselius was a turn-of-the-century European coffee merchant looking for a way to decaffeinate coffee beans without harming the aroma and flavor. He wasn’t having much luck—until someone gave him a “ruined” consignment of coffee beans that had been swamped with seawater while in transit. The damaged beans behaved differently than regular beans, and inspired Roselius to begin a new round of experiments with them. He eventually succeeded in removing 97% of the caffeine while keeping the natural coffee flavor. He named his new product Sanka, a contraction of the French “sans caffeine.”

  FOLGER’S COFFEE. James Folger and his older brothers, Edward and Harry, planned on joining the California Gold Rush in 1849—but when they got to San Francisco, they only had enough money for two of them to continue on to the Gold Country. James had to stay behind; he eventually decided to go into the coffee business. Today people take roasted coffee for granted—but in the 1840s most people roasted coffee themselves in their own homes. When Folger thought of his brothers in the Gold Country and how difficult it was for them to roast their own beans, he decided to roast his beans before selling them.

  Random thought: “History is a set of lies agreed upon.”

  —Napoleon Bonaparte

  Feeling hungry? The average supermarket stocks 12,341 different items.

  ACCORDING TO SHAW...

  A few thoughts from George Bernard Shaw, the curmudgeon who was considered the greatest English playwright since Shakespeare.